Stress Center Peer Support

Anyone else on Session 7?

I think this is a very important session. I believe that learning to stand up for myself will, in the long run, help me to circumvent many anxiety producing situations.

My dilemma is that I'm not finding a lot of opportunities to practice the skills I'm learning. I don't live near family so there aren't any demands being put on me. I don't have any problem being assertive with my fiance, so no dice practicing with him. Really, the only situation I can think of is with a co-worker. Here in lies the dilemma...

Even though I've been working at this office since June, I'm really only supposed to be a temporary fill-in until they find someone who is fully licensed and can commit to the job requirements (I may be moving within the next 6-12 months so I'm not a legitimate options).

One co-worker, T, is great. She is helpful and considerate. She is always making sure I'm not overwhelmed and telling me to remember I can always ask her for help if I don't understand.

My other co-worker, S, is a great person too, but a bit frustrating to work with. She frequently leaves 1/2 to 1 hour early for doctor's appointments but she never notifies me...just tells T, who also fails to tell me. Now, it's not that big of a deal, but I do feel a little slighted that S doesn't ever think it is important to tell ME that we will be short staffed for part of the day.

Also, S and I have overlapping lunch hours. During the first half hour, we often share recipes, talk politics, or share stores from our pasts. I typically enjoy these conversations. The problem is that during my last 1/2 hour while I'm trying to relax and maybe read the paper or flip through a magazine, S's desk is near the break room and she will continue to talk to me. I've tried all the passive stuff, like positioning myself so that my back is to her workspace or putting the newspaper obviously up to my face to indicate I am reading...but this rarely works (duh, I'm trying to talk with body language instead of words).

But since I only have 2 co-workers and I'm technically the 'temp' I am really struggling with this. How do I get S to take me seriously enough to inform me of when she'll be out of the office? Plus, how to I explain that sometimes I don't feel like talking during the last part of my lunch hour. I really like S on a personal level and do NOT want to alienate her or hurt her feelings. But sometimes, on stressful days, these little things aggravate the heck out of me.

Suggestions? Lucinda seems to think that this fear of hurting people by being assertive is just in our heads, but I think S is as sensitive as any of us and I would really hate for her to get the wrong impression. I don't want her to stop talking to me completely as it would make work really awkward.

Thanks in advance for any helpful words.

I struggle with this too. I'm not to this lesson yet, but I'm curious to see what others feel.

One small thought that does occur to me is just being straight with her rather than passive aggresive and saying "would you be so kind as to let me know when you'll be away from the office since it affects me when we're short staffed?"

Aura,
Yea, the passive aggressive thing is lame, I know I like the wording you used though, I think I will try that out. Thanks!

I did have a little triumph today though. It's my birthday and earlier this week I told my fiance (who is in a band) if they had to have practice today that would be ok since I am taking Friday off. Plus we didn't have plans for today so it didn't seem like a big deal. But later that night, after I thought about it, I told him I changed my mind. Thinking back on it though, I was not assertive when telling him I had changed my mind. I told him in a very quiet, apologetic voice while he was on the computer (distracted) and never confirmed he heard what I had said.

So today when some fun birthday plans came up I called him to tell him that I'd be picking him up after work. He was confused and told me that he had band practice, reminding me I'd said it was okay. I tried to remind him that I had changed my mind, but he had not heard me at all. I was hurt but thought it was my fault since I wasn't clear, so it was only fair that I spend my birthday without him so he could have practice like we had originally agreed. So I said, "Okay, I thought you heard me, but okay...I guess I'll see you later." This was said in a sad, pouty voice.

Well, after I got off the phone I thought, "Hey, while I should have been more assertive when I changed my mind, that doesn't mean I should be upset on my birthday. There's no good reason he can't practice tomorrow." So I took a few deep breaths and called him back. I told him I was sorry I didn't make myself clear earlier this week and it wasn't his fault, but I would really appreciate it if he would reschedule practice so we could do this fun thing for my birthday. What he said surprised me, he told me that's all I had to say in the first place. In fact, my first response (that we would just have to do something tomorrow) had actually made him feel guilty.

In my first post I said I don't have a problem being assertive with him...today showed me I obviously do! Thinking on it, I often give up on my ideas for plans or where to eat at the first sign that he doesn't like the idea. I had no idea this was making him feel guilty, but I totally see it now. I would feel bad too if every time I even slightly disagreed with something my partner said, they folded like a house of cards. His reaction today has really encouraged me to stick to my guns more when there's something I really want to do. I don't always have to be the one who compromises. I'll tell ya...this whole thing is bringing a lot of clarity and understanding to his frustrations during some arguements we have when I complain that we always do what HE wants...no kidding - I LET it happen that way...if anything I've got out of my way to make sure it happens that way. Talk about playing the victim and playing it well...I didn't even know I was doing it!

Just when I'm about to give up on the lesson in Session 7, this happens. I love this program!

Happy Birthday goodwillchic

A belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
As for your questions here, good communication is always the best way to solve problems such as these. If a person does not communicate something to you, something which actually affects your work schedule, it's perfectly okay to say: Next time you are heading out, could you let me know? Thanks.
Hope this works.

Thanks for the advice and birthday wishes. It was a great day