Stress Center Peer Support

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I hope here was a good place. I know the program teaches us not to victim think, be assertive, and not feel guilty so...I hope someone can help with my problem. My maternal grandmother and I have had a very stormy relationship for all of my teen and adult life. When my mom was sick with cancer it got even worse. Then when my mom died and my baby was born (a month apart)
I felt like I had to let her help me because it would be what my mom would want. The truth is she had treated my dad and me horrible while my mom was sick, so what I really wanted was to cut ties. To make a long story short...my gran has spent most of my life trying to control me in all aspects, the way I keep house, raising my child, spending money etc...and I have spent it heatedly resisting her, to holding in my anger and resenting her. I have tried to just talk to her but she gets angry and she sees it as my fault. The more I have learned about anxiety, The more I see we are probaly cut from the same cloth. haha We differ because I want to move on be better and not wallow in the past. I tried to explain my panic and agoraphobia (I couldn't leave the house) to her, and all I got was negativity from her. To her a pill would cure it all. She needed me to pull myself together so I could do things for her she said. I tried to tell myself she is who she is I can't change her, but I also feel at this time in my life I cannot accept her either. After our last argument I quit seeing and talking to her. Sounds cold I know, but amazingly my anxiety took a turn for the better. Within months I could do some stuff I hadn't felt able to do for years. It was as if a weight had been lifted. Now my problem is my gran has had a bit of bad news from the dr. she is also 93. I had a letter from her saying she didn't know what she had done to make me not want to see her etc...I want and need to answer her, but I'm torn about how. I still don't want her back in my life, but I also want her to understand why. I don't want to finger point, there is no use in it and will only drag up things from the past and upset me. I also don't think that she will understand the things I have learned from the program. I just want to move on and leave negative people and things behind. Someone please give me some advice on what to say or how to explain it. Thanks!

Hi Deener:
In all probability your grandmother will not understand any "whys' that you might give her.
And likely in trying to give reasons for past differences you will upset yourself again.
I have never been able to 'explain' things to family members who really have had little understanding of any emotional trauma that I experienced in my own long life.

Probably her time left is short. So at this point I would give up trying to give reasons or explainations.
It seems that perhaps little should be said about the past. But perhaps a bright card, a cheerful word, a comforting "I love you" expression will suffice.
A little gift here and there, a smoothed pillow,
a freshly prepared dish of her favorite food,
a little bouquet, that might be enough.
And you won't be putting yourself in harms way.

No discussions of 'whys'. No blaming. Just letting by-gones be by-gones.
Try to forgive in your heart. So your health will remain good down the line.

One thought that I like is this: People generally do as well as they know how at the time.
That 'at the time' phrase is meaningful.
We all learn some things as we go along.

Maybe your grandmother did as well as she knew how at the time.

Just let it go for the most part except for the forgiving - for your sake.

May the Lord bless you. These things are not easy.
MJ

Cornflower, thank you for the advice. I know the things you say are true, but at the same time I am so scared of being sucked back into the same ol' song and dance with her. In the past when I have tried to have a relationship with her, for the most part I felt like I was swimming and she was pulling me under. I know that is dramatic and I may be just making excuses. If I was sure she would be satisfied with a card of a bouquet from time to time it would be so much easier because in the past it has always been all or none with her. I think one thing that bothers me is I am learning to live my life again or even for the first time maybe, and I may be putting all that on hold to go back to where I started. I know I probably sound selfish, but it is the way I feel. Maybe I'm just not confident enough yet to say this is all I am willing to give take it or leave it. When something has made me very anxious in the past I have always avoided it, I guess I'm doing that with my gran also. I let her push every button I have, and I just don't feel learned enough to control it yet. Thank you again. I also appreciate that you replied so quickly.

Hello Deener. Maybe it would help to set boundaries/limits with her. Do things within your timeschedule. If you chose to visit, stay for a short time. Refuse to get pulled into a disagreement or negativity.

Maybe she realizes how much she is missing out on with you and then again maybe she doesn't.

All you can do is try to underreact to her. If you would like to have a relationship again with her, then you can. You just need to set limits.

Take care and God Bless.

Thank you for the great advice bna. Maybe I could just see this as a challenge, like driving or shopping alone, instead of something that is more emotional. That way underreacting might be a little easier for me. Thanks again!