Parent's expectations

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
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P&P
Posts: 71
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2006 4:17 pm

Post by P&P » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:08 pm

Let me try this again, I posted this in the January group session but it seems the last post answered was in July :/

Hello :)

I feel like my parents and family have very high expectations of me. When they "ask" for a favor, they're really telling me. So I've been working on being more assertive. I finally told my sister I couldn't take care of her pets while she was on holidays because it did not work with my schedule. She took a big fit and was very pissed off and angry with me. She said that family should always help out when asked because they're family and that's what family does for each other. While I do agree that it's good to help family out, I say YES every single time anything is asked of me. I told her I was just trying to find balance in my life and stand up for myself which she didn't like. She said that she's now scared to ask me for anything. Even though I clearly told her, I still want to help her out in the future. Anyways, HUGE guilt trip and it has left me feeling super guilty like it's almost easier to be super passive and do everything for people because I wouldn't have to go through this. To top it all off, i'm dating someone who is very assertive and doesn't agree with my family always expecting me to house sit or take care of pets. So now I feel like it's two against the rest of the family.

Guest

Post by Guest » Sat Jan 09, 2010 3:19 am

P&P, Good for you! Even though we love our families, they can sometimes push things. I've had to do the same thing with a family member as she got upset when I wasn't able to do things for her when SHE wanted. I have two kids and a husband to take care of and can't always jump when she says so.

It will be an adjustment for them but after awhile things should smooth over. It doesn't mean you love them any less so don't let the guilt trip get to you. I know I use to get angry and guilty! But not anymore as I know that I am not doing anything wrong. Hope it helps to know you aren't alone in dealing with this.

Guest

Post by Guest » Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:18 pm

Thanks so much Ms. Hopeful! I feel much better. I think I finally understand what's reasonable when it comes to helping people and when they haven't quite been organized enough themselves to take care of business. I've done other things to show that I'm caring and there for them and that I know. I know they'll learn eventually, it's just the transitional part that I find super tricky and difficult. Oh they are SO good at the guilt. But I'm standing my ground because deep down, I know I'm still a good person and will still be there but will have more of a say as to when I can help out.

Guest

Post by Guest » Sun Jan 17, 2010 4:17 am

Family expectations and the habits of a lifetime are hard to change but you have taken a big step toward the balance you spoke of. Saying no to a request feels bad but that doesn't it was the wrong thing to do. It was the right thing to do.
You sound like a kind and compassionate person, that does not change because you choose to put your own needs first sometimes. And starting a new pattern of decision making will get easier with practice. Pat yourself on the back and let your sister be upset she will be OK and obviously needs to learn to think about someone other than herself.

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