Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 12:17 pm

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Session 7- Assertiveness

This lesson I'd like to start off with a song which I find really inspirational. I find when I finally face my anxiety and I do already in a positive state of mind that is both motivated and courageous, I tend to feel this really wonderful feeling inside especially when I've stood up for myself and said yes to my needs, when I've said yes to respect for myself and saying yes to expressing myself. I feel kind of like what its like in this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw (Katy Perry's Firework)


When you do approach a situation where you do talk assertively make sure Your expectations are realistic.You cannot control how other people respond, you cannot control the situation. YOu can only really control yourself and how you respond.

Also, keep in mind that your expectations on your assertiveness needs to be realistic as well. Any seemingly small accomplishment is still an accomplishment. If you think about doing it, if you simply say no and nothing else, if you say some of what you wanted to say but not all of it, that is still worth celebrating because you made a change in your approach and with some things you really need to make baby steps in order to get to the overall change.

Also focus on the outcome you're trying for. Do you want respect? Do you want understanding? Focusing on the positive things and where you want to go and what you want to get from the situation actually helps you to go into the situation with a more positive energy and that in itself is more likely to lead to a positive outcome and also give you the energy and motivation to get through the situation and can ultimately change your belief about confrontation or assertiveness into a more positive belief. ie. Assertiveness is a great way for me to express myself and to get what I need. Assertiveness is a great way for me to let people know how I want to be treated and how to respect me, Assertiveness is a way for me to connect with other people and a vehical for transformation in my relationships....hmm I think this has just inspired me to make another project :P

So lesson 7, let us begin you!


I'm greatful for all the positive and inspiring pictures that I've found for all my projects
I'm proud of myself for creating my projects and in turn making even more resources to help myself out.


Mike

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 3:10 pm

I already had some practice with this one. My landlord was trying to bother me about my room. He could see from outside that something was leaning against the blinds of one of the windows. I didn't use any I messages or talk about my feelings but I did express exactly what was on my mind and I felt really really good about that. I told him that it was really creepy for him to look into my room. He then said something stupid in response. I didn't get a positive response from him but that didn't matter because I didn't hold myself back this time and just keep it inside, I stated exactly how I felt and what was on my mind and I felt great simply for that...Yay! :D

Image I think this picture adds to the idea of being assertive. Its through persistance rather than through power...I think the same can be said with changing beliefs and anxiety as well.

By the way I was looking for a picture in google when I ended up stumbling upon this video. It is about how to make things fun, I think this would actually go great with facing limitations. How can I make this experience a fun one? How can I make facing this challenge enjoyable?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krcZ8tKD3zw

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Wed Dec 18, 2013 2:59 am

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So I listened to lesson 7 cd and a few things popped out and there were several things I never really noticed or thought of before.

Ken was talking about how he does things the way he wants to and how is mom isn't completely accepting of that and also when Lucinda mentions how she was assertive with her sister and how her sister got angry at her for it and she ended up losing her sister for awhile but then eventually she had to change to maintain the relationship. For me up until this point I kept thinking that if I do this assertiveness thing right then the person won't get mad at me and they'll be happy and things will go smoothly but if they do get mad then obviously I did something wrong....I think this comes from a deeply held belief that how people treat me is an indication as to whether I did right or wrong. It seems rather silly but I didn't really know better...kind of funny actually.

Another thing, the "I" messages I always thought were "I feel" messages...but sometimes people don't care how you feel and sometimes certain people don't deserve to see that vulnerable side of you if they haven't proved themselves trustworthy...so I got confused with that one.

There is also the part about you don't have to listen to people that are being really negative and not doing anything about it...this one really confused me, I thought I had to in order to be nice but it seems with almost everybody I've done this with, it had been draining and thats all our friendship was about, me listening to their problems and them not willing to make any changes or take any steps to fix it....although being assertive with these people is likely going to be the hardest for me.


There has been soooo many times that I have spent time with people and done things for people that I didn't really want to do and I didn't want to spend time with these people but I thought I had to in order to be "nice". Being nice is really drainning. I want to be more genuine, I want to express how I truely feel without having to fully explain myself. If I don't want to hangout with someone I want to be able to say, no thank you or I just don't want to hangout with you right now or something like that. I don't want to keep second guessing myself and holding myself back from doing the things I want to do either, thats always bothered me.


By the way I've been working on creating an assertiveness project now again with my pictures and I'm going to post these pictures for others to use as well :).

Yesterday I put in the picture about a river cutting through rock...I used that in my project and here is another one that I also used in my project which you guys can download if you'd like.
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I'm greatful for all the wonderful creative ideas that I get in order to help me with my personal growth.
I'm proud of myself for facing a trigger today and getting through it even quicker than before


Mike

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by THH » Wed Dec 18, 2013 11:29 am

I'm running behind on this lesson. I wanted to see what you posted and wow! Great stuff Mike!
Great photos!!!
Great insight too [quote....I think this comes from a deeply held belief that how people treat me is an indication as to whether I did right or wrong][/quote]
I can see how you came up with that one, I have had those kinds of beliefs too. They are funny! So not true but until you realize what your belief is you can't catch it. Good Job!!!

Yes I messages are good. Maybe you don't need to say them out loud to the person your talking to just yet, but when a situation comes up it is good to get in touch how "I" really feel. If it is important think about it, if its really important you need to say it.
I'm with you here too, on exposing that vulnerable side. I prefer to be more general rather than personalize unless I feel there is a bond or trust established. There are certain people I would never let know me. We have that right and are under no obligation to not guard it, our inner man knows best. And is correct 100% of the time.

I too have struggled with the negative people in my life. There are times I have had to purposely keep them at a arms distance. I have had a very close girl friend that I had to loosen up with as her problems were the glue of our relationship. I need friends who share the good as well as the harder times. Many people are complainers and it is draining. It is like this program magnified on them, and they don't even see it that way. It is hard, because you have certain things you like about them, and really don't want to end a friendship. You want it to grow, and continue. It again becomes a expectation really quick.
Remember Mike, that it takes time to really get to know yourself. We really are growing and learning about ourselves. I know from this program that sometimes it is easy to just do as you always do. But learning about ourselves there are things we assume rather than really believe. When we catch this belief and question it we learn a new way, and are giving ourselves a new opportunity to get a new habit that actually may work better for us.

I will listen to my tape today.

Good job Mike!!!

forever young 06
Posts: 284
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:19 pm

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by forever young 06 » Thu Dec 19, 2013 1:40 pm

hi all I have not been able to get into the forums. I would get a blank page with a message saying the forums were down due to maientance. I was beginning to think something was wrong with my computer or I had been hacked. I think I have been aggressive a lot. I am still having trouble with the new insurance forums I can't get my application fixed. I have lost my cool with the people at times. then I try to hold my self back. I need to learn how to be assertive for sure. I have read most of my lesson I listened to the tape today. I love listening to the others talk about there experiences. I am about to feel over whelmed. I think how can I get all this. I feel like I need to keep reviewing everyone of these lessons. I know I have an issue with anger. these too go hand in hand. I am trying to be kind when I do call the web site and speak my case. I need to do that as soon as I get thru with this post.

THH are you feeling better? my son in law has the strep throat. I think we also have the flu going around. I hope I don't get any of this. are you ready for Christmas? I think I am I have made my grocery list. I want to just enjoy the day and not feel stressed. Christmas is met to enjoy. where are you going for the day? my dog had a spell last night and it scared me I thought he was dying. He kept falling down and when I picked him up he was jerking. I got some karo syrup and put on his gums that is what the vet said to do if I thought his sugar was low. he got to feeling better real quick must have been that.
mike the picture are nice. you are working hard on this. good job. we are all learning so much about ourselves. wow when I think the courage it took for Jackie to leave her husband. I hope I can learn to stand on my own two feet. we have a lot to learn.

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by THH » Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:27 pm

Forever young,
So glad your here. I too logged in one day and the site was down.
I am feeling better, finally. Still get tired quick so I have been going to bed early. But I am getting more energy every day. :)
I really don't like getting sick, as I'm sure most people don't either. I hope you don't get the flu or any thing else.
I need to get my grocery's as I am hosting the Christmas Eve party. On the day it will just be me and my husband, so I'm looking forward to a day with him & the dogs. I hope it snows too!
Oh I'm glad you caught your dogs problem so quick. I'm glad he is doing better. I have 3 Labs, and one has some health issues. Having a dog with diabetes must be hard. I have many in my family with it and I do keep stuff on hand just in case. I had a Lab that used to have seizures. It was freighting. Sometimes they were small and others they were grand mall. Yes animals get many of the same things people do.
Are you having Christmas or are you going to be a guest?

I listened to the tape and read my book. I feel like I don't have a good understanding of the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Of coarse my evaluation is Passive. I feel like you Forever young, at times this gets overwhelming.
I don't always know how to handle things and the attempts I make are too weenie, or I just get so frustrated I give up. It does make me angry at times because I don't know how to track down a person that cares enough to look into some of these things.
This is a good lesson as well and maybe we should drag our feet here. With this holiday coming fast I don't think I will have time to really work on it like I should. It looks like I am one of those depressed self abusers. I do exaggerate problems, everything happens to me kind of people. I often feel things are out of my control.
I love the quote " stop the parade" & I do feel all those thoughts! I think I do this to myself more than others. I do start at the cemetery and work backwards! I feel like Charlie Brown! LOL...
Tomorrow will be a better day :)

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Thu Dec 19, 2013 11:06 pm

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A couple new insights to share today;
- I think one of the reasons why we want or even seem to need everybody to like us is because if they like us then they'd be kind to us and there would be less likely that we'd get into a conflict with them and less likely would our anxieties be triggered. Since we didn't know how to control these negative feelings we tried instead to control how the world works in order to protect ourselves from these feelings. I believe that since this is the case that if we learn the assertiveness skills then we won't naturally try to control the world around us because we'd have a means to deal with the actual root which is the anxiety as well as the potential for conflict.

Another thing, I'm really starting to not just get the intellectual concept that happiness is an inside job but to actually get it on an emotional or gut level, I can feel that it is right, at least at the moment since this journey seems to be up and down. Yesterday there was a last minute invite to a party which I decided to attend and it was ok but it was really uncomfortable at the same time. I was around a bunch of people and it seemed really boring for a bit of it but then I realized that I was expecting other people to be exciting and entertain me, there was also a guy who I was attracted who I expected him to make me feel happy and when I first saw him, I guess I started to come up with a story of who he really is without really knowing. I was also at a bar and they had tv screens that were showing party scenes and I felt uncomfortable because I was imagining myself being in there and not having fun because the exciting and fun people likely wouldn't want to be around me.....what do you guys see here? Expectation, Expectation, Expectation....and can they really give any of those things to me? Nope!

In the videos those people were being exciting and having fun but did I feel it? No!

The people I was around some of them were talking and being themselves but for a good amount of time I wasn't enjoying it...

The guy I found attractive well he was being friendly and he thinks i'm attractive too but did I feel fulfilled by that? Nope

Why didn't I feel these things even when people were giving me what I thought I wanted? Because I was thinking in a way that closed me off from even feeling them. How many times have I done this to myself? How many times have people given me what I wanted and expressed positivity towards me and even love and it feel empty or even sometimes worse, not real or negative? These people aren't to blame, its just I was not open to it and nobody else can open me up to this, I have to do it myself. I even notice in situations when its just myself...I might be playing a videogame or watching a movie and not feel happy or good but why not? Well when i'm yelling at my videogame or my computer because its not working the way I want it to, how can I really feel happy and enjoy myself? Even if i'm expecting whatever situation in the present moment to be different then it actually is, that in itself closes me off from feeling good or even being present and it does cause me anxiety...i'm totally doing it to myself.

This kind of ties into the last thing but I'm noticing I'm telling myself I need this thing in order to make me happy or I need this person in order to feel good...I need, I need, I need. Well I'm not sure it works that way.Image..sometimes even getting what I think I need, it still isn't satisfying again because i'm not open to it. These things that I tell myself I need (which are not basic things like security or oxygen...etc), don't open me up to the emotions but they may help me to expand on what is already there. Also with these shoulds, if I don't get what I "need" then I tend to become anxious and even obsessive in order to try to get that need met sometimes...Imagine if you were to find food, alot of your thinking would go to that in order for you to fulfill the need and it is a very valid need and that way of thinking definately works for motivation but the same is true even if the need is not a realistic one...ie, I need a hot fudge sunday in order to feel good, I need alcohol in order to feel good, I need...add whatever...I think that type of thinking is actually behind alot of addictions.

I'm also seeing how i'm not as afraid of telling people I don't want to do something or that I didn't want to do something in the past and also allowing myself not to like everybody at a party and not to want to spend time with them without feeling guilty about it. I'm not completely switched over, its going to take time but I definately feel more confident with it.

And i'm seeing that I'm more angry since we did the anger session...or maybe i'm just more aware of it.
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Another image I used in my assertiveness picture project. Again feel free to print and use.


Mike

Ninjafrodo2
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:07 am

Thank you kindly THH, And it really is true if you can't realize what your belief is, you can't catch it. Its like a fish always swimming in water but never realizing that it is water or that there is a place outside of water.

Thats a really good point you brought up about the assertiveness...to acknowledge your own feelings even if you don't express them. I think it can be relieving and cathartic to do that but to express yourself in necessary situations just adds even more to that. Great insight. By the way I thought it was cute how you said about our inner man :P I thought of like one of those black baby candies and also gumby.
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I agree with what you said about questioning the beliefs and starting a new habit, I've seen it many times actually and it is such an exciting change when that happens, it just takes patience.
I have had a very close girl friend that I had to loosen up with as her problems were the glue of our relationship
Its funny how that happens when we're in a negative mindstate, we tend to connect with people via problems...I've done that so many times and it tends to not be very healthy in the long run. All you really can do is distance yourself at least until you learn the assertiveness skills. You may through assertiveness actually give the person the chance to see their own negative behavior and do something about it. It can create an opportunity to do that by letting the person know that you're not going to fulfill their secondary gain (attention for instance) which would be the positive they get out of staying stuck (although if they don't know the stuff that is in the program then its probabbly best not to tell them that).

I had a question...you said
Many people are complainers and it is draining. It is like this program magnified on them, and they don't even see it that way
I don't really understand the part about this program magnified on them...are you talking about people who have the program and the knowledge but still choose to complain instead of doing things about it?

I think i'm getting a bit of a better grasp between assertive and aggressive...also keep in mind, being assertive may not have a positive response from the other person and in some cases, you really can't wait 24 hours to respond. Do you have an example of a situation? Maybe it'd be helpful if we looked at one of yours and how you might respond assertively to it.

I was thinking of making next week a week off but we can definately make this session a 2 week thing...I've been falling behind myself since i've been working on all these picture projects!

ForeverYoung;
Sounds like you are also going through lessons on anger just naturally in life as well. I've noticed the past 2 weeks that there have been situations to come up that have provoked my anger...its just interesting how life does that. And really you are definately not the only one...this last week I've sworn at my computer a couple times :P By the way i'm glad that you found a way to get your lesson tape working.


Mike

Ninjafrodo2
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Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by Ninjafrodo2 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:10 am

by the way here is another great image that I used in my assertiveness project...it definately helps, it gives a positive perspective on being assertive which helps to be more assertive instead of agressive when you are faced with an issue that comes up with another person.
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Mike

forever young 06
Posts: 284
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:19 pm

Re: Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

Post by forever young 06 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 9:36 am

THH you sound so much like me. I don't understand the difference between being assertive or aggressive. I also have trouble being assertive I want everyone to like me and I don't like to make the other person feel bad. I have the worst trouble with my family. both my sisters are really complainers and very negative. I feel the need to talk to them a lot. I feel like I need to talk to them on a daily basis. I also feel I need to tell them when I am having my spells. I think I want them to tell me I am okay and don't need to go to the dr. I also want tell my daughter how I am feeling or I won't turn her down when she needs me to keep the kids. I will be spending Christmas eve with just my husband and dog. I will be having either dinner or supper for my daughter and her family. she doesn't know when she can get here. my sisters and my brother and I don't get together. I don't know why they have never suggested it. I don't think any of them would host it. my husbands family don't get together either since his parents have died. I at times feel alone. I dread my the dog passing away he has had two spells where I think his sugar has dropped. didn't you lose a dog some time past? I lost a dog some time ago and it is very sad. Does your dogs stay in the house? I love labs they are such loving animals.

mike you are doing a good job with the pictures. I feel like you are learning a lot about yourself. we need to watch our expectations they can be way too high you know it recommends we go back and review lesson 4 if we could get these it would help a lot. keep up the good work. and I feel like we need to stay on this lesson another week as I took need to listen to tape 6. I will be busy next week as I have to keep the kids Christmas eve and the day after Christmas.

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