A couple new insights to share today;
- I think one of the reasons why we want or even seem to need everybody to like us is because if they like us then they'd be kind to us and there would be less likely that we'd get into a conflict with them and less likely would our anxieties be triggered. Since we didn't know how to control these negative feelings we tried instead to control how the world works in order to protect ourselves from these feelings. I believe that since this is the case that if we learn the assertiveness skills then we won't naturally try to control the world around us because we'd have a means to deal with the actual root which is the anxiety as well as the potential for conflict.
Another thing, I'm really starting to not just get the intellectual concept that happiness is an inside job but to actually get it on an emotional or gut level, I can feel that it is right, at least at the moment since this journey seems to be up and down. Yesterday there was a last minute invite to a party which I decided to attend and it was ok but it was really uncomfortable at the same time. I was around a bunch of people and it seemed really boring for a bit of it but then I realized that I was expecting other people to be exciting and entertain me, there was also a guy who I was attracted who I expected him to make me feel happy and when I first saw him, I guess I started to come up with a story of who he really is without really knowing. I was also at a bar and they had tv screens that were showing party scenes and I felt uncomfortable because I was imagining myself being in there and not having fun because the exciting and fun people likely wouldn't want to be around me.....what do you guys see here? Expectation, Expectation, Expectation....and can they really give any of those things to me? Nope!
In the videos those people were being exciting and having fun but did I feel it? No!
The people I was around some of them were talking and being themselves but for a good amount of time I wasn't enjoying it...
The guy I found attractive well he was being friendly and he thinks i'm attractive too but did I feel fulfilled by that? Nope
Why didn't I feel these things even when people were giving me what I thought I wanted? Because I was thinking in a way that closed me off from even feeling them. How many times have I done this to myself? How many times have people given me what I wanted and expressed positivity towards me and even love and it feel empty or even sometimes worse, not real or negative? These people aren't to blame, its just I was not open to it and nobody else can open me up to this, I have to do it myself. I even notice in situations when its just myself...I might be playing a videogame or watching a movie and not feel happy or good but why not? Well when i'm yelling at my videogame or my computer because its not working the way I want it to, how can I really feel happy and enjoy myself? Even if i'm expecting whatever situation in the present moment to be different then it actually is, that in itself closes me off from feeling good or even being present and it does cause me anxiety...i'm totally doing it to myself.
This kind of ties into the last thing but I'm noticing I'm telling myself I need this thing in order to make me happy or I need this person in order to feel good...I need, I need, I need. Well I'm not sure it works that way.
..sometimes even getting what I think I need, it still isn't satisfying again because i'm not open to it. These things that I tell myself I need (which are not basic things like security or oxygen...etc), don't open me up to the emotions but they may help me to expand on what is already there. Also with these shoulds, if I don't get what I "need" then I tend to become anxious and even obsessive in order to try to get that need met sometimes...Imagine if you were to find food, alot of your thinking would go to that in order for you to fulfill the need and it is a very valid need and that way of thinking definately works for motivation but the same is true even if the need is not a realistic one...ie, I need a hot fudge sunday in order to feel good, I need alcohol in order to feel good, I need...add whatever...I think that type of thinking is actually behind alot of addictions.
I'm also seeing how i'm not as afraid of telling people I don't want to do something or that I didn't want to do something in the past and also allowing myself not to like everybody at a party and not to want to spend time with them without feeling guilty about it. I'm not completely switched over, its going to take time but I definately feel more confident with it.
And i'm seeing that I'm more angry since we did the anger session...or maybe i'm just more aware of it.
Another image I used in my assertiveness picture project. Again feel free to print and use.
Mike