I could use some advice on assertive behaviour

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
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MirandaLey
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:51 pm
Location: Manitoba, Canada

I could use some advice on assertive behaviour

Post by MirandaLey » Sun Dec 09, 2012 9:37 am

Good morning everyone!

I see no one has posted in here since June... I hope that people will respond to this post as well as view it, lol! I hope you are all doing well on your path to recovery.

I am on Session 7, learning to be more assertive, and it is absolutely true that it's hardest to be assertive to family or those we love -- especially, in my case, in-laws!!

I need some advice about a certain situation -- to make a long story short, here goes: this Christmas my husband and I and our 16 month old daughter will be staying with his mom and step-dad. There are a lot of unhealthy elements in the home we will be staying in -- the step-dad is a major alcoholic -- but the thing that bothers me most is that in my husband's family, smoking marijuana is very common. Last year at Christmas, his uncle, a grown man in his forties, was passing out nuggets of marijuana in little Christmas bags to my husband's step-brothers who smoke weed, right in front of the children. They don't smoke weed in the house but they'll go out to the garage, get high, and then come back in and interact with everyone while the children are still up and about.

My husband smokes weed occasionally, and I don't mind, since he doesn't drink and it's not a problem for him -- if he does do it, it'll be when he's over at a friend's house playing video games -- he never does it around the baby or I, and he's never brought it in the house. He's cut back a lot from what he used to do when we were first dating and has made it clear that he has no problem cutting back even more as our daughter grows up. I have no fears that she will ever see her dad high or anything like that.

I wrote an e-mail and sent it to my husband's mom (and sent it to him too and explained to her that it was from both of us and that we are on the same page), who I usually have a pretty good relationship with, stating that while we are really looking forward to coming for Christmas (we live an 8 hour drive away), there are some things we don't feel comfortable with. I reminded her of the time her uncle gave the weed as gifts in front of the kids and told her that we are definitely not comfortable with that, or with people getting high (even if it is in the garage, not the house) when the children are around. I said that if this happens we will have to find somewhere else to stay in the city (we can't really afford a hotel but we can stay at another relative's I'm sure). She e-mailed me back saying that she doesn't condone drugs and that drugs will not enter her house, but that she can't control what adults do. She kind of guilt tripped me, saying, "This is the first time I've had all my kids and their families under one roof for Christmas in ten years..." I responded by by thanking her, first of all, for understanding and taking the time to reply, and for thanking her too that she won't allow weed to enter her house. But I reiterated that if people will be smoking up and then coming in when the kids are up, that we'll be leaving. I haven't heard from her since.

My question is -- what happens if we get down there, and sure enough my hsuband's step-brothers sneak out the garage and come back ten minutes later high as a kite. Sure they may not act high and yes the kids are too young to notice -- 16 months, 2 years old, 4 years old and 4 months old is the age of all our repective children -- but it's the principle of it. My husband grew up in a household where drugs and excessive drinking were okay, and although he doesn't drink, I know that's why he did drugs in the past a lot and still smokes weed from time to time now. And this is not what I want for my daughter, nor is it what my husband wants for her. So what do we do? I guess if it happens the day we are having our dinner we will go through with the dinner but shortly afterwards I can have my husband pull his mother aside and tell her that we aren't comfortable staying and go stay somewhere else for the night, and come back the next day for a visit.

Any other advice? I really need advice with this, thanks!

jodiek
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:31 pm

Re: I could use some advice on assertive behaviour

Post by jodiek » Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:11 am

Hi Miranda,

It does seem like it's pretty hard to get a response around here, doesn't it? lol

To me, it sounds like you are handling the situation very reasonably. It even sounds a little like your mother-in-law is on your side, she just really can't control her adult children outside of her house. Will you have your own room there? A space that you could retreat to? If staying with another family member is an option, I guess I would look into that.

If you're close with your mother-in-law I might reach out to her again (over the phone or when you get there) and just put it out there that you guys are on the same side, you don't want drugs in the house or around the kids. If you make yourself an ally, I think she'll be more willing to stand up to them or stand up for you. Does that make sense? What a tricky situation, although, again, I really think you're handling it very well. :)

MirandaLey
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:51 pm
Location: Manitoba, Canada

Re: I could use some advice on assertive behaviour

Post by MirandaLey » Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:11 pm

Thank you, I really appreciate the response.

What a new way of thinking of it -- I kind of always felt like it was me against others... but using her as an ally, that's an awesome idea and I think the energy will be totally different and she will be a lot more likely to agree!

Thanks so much for your insight!!!

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