it's a constant struggle for me to be assertive

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
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mmwillie928
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 12:55 pm

it's a constant struggle for me to be assertive

Post by mmwillie928 » Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:23 pm

i have been through the program once already. i am going through it a second time.
one thing that seems to be one of the hardest things for me to do is to just say what is on my mind, or confront people, or ask for help, or to say no.
i work at a hotel, and i wanted to work in the restaurant area for a change, so they gave me bussing shifts on Sunday mornings and after that i work on restocking the mini bars in the hotel rooms with a couple of other guys.
the guys don't do everything the way it is suppose to be done, but i want to do it right. i also don't want to be the only one who is doing it right cause then i am doing more of the work than they are. for example, they don't always take the time to restock the closet where we keep back stock, and i don't think fully stock the cart with supplies before going around to rooms. so if they are out of things, they put a different item in it's place, which can cause confusion so that either a hotel guest over pays for an item or under pays. either way someone loses money and i don't want that. also, if they aren't restocking with the right items and i come to a room, i see it and have to take the time to put the right item in there. so this is frustrating for me, and i want to say something but have been dealing with my fear of what their reactions to me will be and what other people will think of me if they talk about me.
a couple times this past week i wanted to say something to one of them, but every time he was near by, i felt the intense feelings of "aaaaah!" and didn't say anything. i ended up feeling exhausted from wanting to say something but not and dealing with the intense anxiety. i also felt depressed and down on myself for not doing it.
this has been on my mind a lot the past few days.
I know a good part of the issue with speaking up is cause of the negative messages that so easily pop into my head.
I have also told myself positive things in the morning before work. Like i realized one morning that although i was anxious about this, that the anxiety is a normal feeling and it was ok to feel anxious. i honestly felt calmed down by this. But then when i saw the guy and wanted to say something, i freaked!
i would really appreciate it if someone had words to help me out. Some encouragement, and maybe some words of advice. i know others out there experience the same thing. how did you handle these feelings and situations. any special "tricks" you found along the way? anything helpful would be appreciated =) Personal stories may even help, may be insightful.
Thank you

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: it's a constant struggle for me to be assertive

Post by Iwillbebetter » Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:32 am

Mmwillie, I don'tknow that I really have any advise, but wanted to say I totally understand where you are coming from!! I also struggle with this. There are a few people I seem to be okay with, but many I am not. I also find many times I know I should say something but don't. Then I feel bad also, because I know I should have said something but didn't. It's a hard cycle to break.
mmwillie928 wrote:my fear of what their reactions to me will be and what other people will think of me if they talk about me.
I think this is exactly what holds us back. This is what we need to work at, the fear of what others will think and say. So often do we let people "walk on us" because we are worried of what they will think if we don't. But what we forget is what they think of us when we do!!
Maybe in the morning when you are reminding yourself the anxious feelings are normal remind yourself it's ok for you to stand up for youself. If they don't like you for it or think differently of you because of it that's their problem. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for thiers?? Would they be concerned for your happiness??
Good luck, keep us posted!! :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

mmwillie928
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 12:55 pm

Re: it's a constant struggle for me to be assertive

Post by mmwillie928 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 8:57 pm

thank Iwillbebetter!
your words were encouraging. it is like listening to the CD's...i find encouragement and relaxation and strength in listening to them.
i haven't seen the guys from work or talked to them again. i have had this on my mind this week. i have kept myself from making myself sick about it by talking positive to myself and also distracting myself with things in the present moment. those two things have been a solid source of strength for me.
tonight i had to address my sister about something. it has become easier for me to be assertive with my family, i think partly cause they are the ones i do it with the most. i was thinking about what she would think of me and if she would react nicely and would she respect what i had to say. i knew, of course, that speaking to her no matter what the outcome would make me feel better than not saying anything cause i worried about what she would think. so i genuinely thanked her for something. she seemed very receptive. i then told her how i felt about something and that i would appreciate a certain course of action down the road. she was defending herself. i wasn't sure whether to believe what she was saying and just say ok. i decided that whatever she said, i wouldn't argue it, i would just ask again that she help by doing something in the future, to which she started becoming defensive, and i said, "yes, i really do appreciate that". i wasn't being sarcastic either and it really seemed to just end the conversation right then and there, where it needed to be. i felt at first like i was weak and not assertive enough. when i wrote in my notepad, i realized how well i actually did. even though i was a lil shaky, i stood by what i had to say, and i even kept from arguing to do it. i am really pleased with the outcome.
tomorrow i work with the guys on the mini bar. i think i will feel things out and see what i should say.
thank you for writing and i hope we can keep in contact.
i like all the thoughts you wrote in the last paragraph of your response. they are all so true and things that come to my mind now and then.
cheers to the both of us! =)

LyndaLu
Posts: 794
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:43 pm

Re: it's a constant struggle for me to be assertive

Post by LyndaLu » Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:24 pm

dear mmwillie928:
Yes, aren't family members the toughest ones to confront. . . because they know us so well !
I find that being assertive with family members to be a challenge.
I have a small family and I don't want to alienate anyone with any assertive behavior.
I am glad that you had the guts to speak up to your sister, good job !
Tell me how it turned out with the guys at your job and the mini-bar.
Keep up the great work, you are doing a great job on the program !
Lynda :)

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