Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
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NinjaFrodo
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Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by NinjaFrodo » Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:10 am

Alright so back to the program. I'm on lesson 7 now and I'm really starting to move past the anger stuff. I've actually been using the book "When anger hurts" and it has really explained alot of things when it comes to expectations and responsibility as well as how to deal with issues that come up.

Expectations is like placing a rule stating you can or cannot do this (depending on what it is) and if they violate that then you either become angry, hurt, violated, sad, hopeless, resentful...etc. Its placing a rule on everybody and when that rule isn't followed guess who gets hurt? You for one because it causes you to get upset and maybe them if you project that anger onto them and yell at them or whatever and then they distance themselves from you, become passive-agressive, stop giving you compliments or attention..etc so you may end up losing that way as well.

Goals however is saying I want it so that I am respected or treating well or whatever. You work on it and you show other people that same respect and treat them well and hope it comes back and when it doesn't that is alright and you can deal with it, without the intense emotions. You can either choose to ignore it if the person means nothing to you and the thing they did really didn't matter or you can be assertive if this person means something (friend, boss, co-worker, lover). So you don't expect it but you use your assertiveness to get it. So in reality the expectation causes the intense emotions where its difficult to deal with the situation, the goal reduces that intense emotion from being triggered and you are more likely to be able to deal with it and you can use the assertiveness in order to get what it is you want.

Another thing to keep in mind is that we our responsible for our own emotions and emotional reactions. This goes also with our own happiness, the level of joy in our lives, if they are feeling pain or not, if we're satisfied in work, if we are satisfied in our relationships and so on. Mainly because;

#1 People cannot read our minds and don't automatically know what is pleasurable for us or painful, our likes or dislikes, dreams, goals, what our struggles and weaknesses are or strengths, our desires...ect. They also don't know at what intensity these things cause us. They'll only know if we actually communicate this.

#2 Its appropriate for others to focus on meeting their own needs. They need to focus primarily on taking care of themselves, dealing with their problems, doing things that satisfy them and fulfill their own desires, if they put our needs above others then they would have to neglect their own first responsibility of perserving their own lives and well-being.

#3 Peoples needs inevitably conflict
The pursuit of one person's needs will frequently mean discomfort and frustration for the other. You may be tempted to ignore this reality by redefining your needs as "doing what's right", while dismissing the needs of others as a self indulgence. Our needs to feel good and avoid pain isn't more important than anybody else's.

#4 Your overall life satisfactino depends on the effectivenss of your strategies for meeting needs and avoiding pain
By making others responsible for your needs, you are obscuring the basic law of human interaction. If you're unhappy, it means that the strategies that you typically use to get emotional nourishment aren't working.


So this week is about assertiveness and i have a few people i need to be assertive with. This information i just posted will help me when it comes to taking responsibility. If I take responsbility and i'm in power of my emotions then I can actually do something and am not at the mercy of other people and their responses to me. This week I am planning to put closure on a few situations and forgive those people, appologize to some other people, say no to a request that I don't want to do and also confront someone that upset me. It'll be an interesting week.

I actually already had to say no to someone because of my financial situation, I was not able to go to a fitness class. I said too much about the money and stuff and I think he tried a bit to get me to go and I do respect and like this person, he has helped me out alot but I turned it down. I felt really guilty but I had to do what I had to do and I felt good for taking care of myself. We'll see how everything else turns out.

I'm getting things done and am learning to praise myself for the accomplishments and it feels good.


Mike

NinjaFrodo
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by NinjaFrodo » Fri Aug 26, 2011 12:29 am

Praising myself is working pretty good especially when it comes to using the tredmill and working out. When using it I aim for 30seconds and when i reach that goal I tell myself "Yes you did it! Great job" (and I mean it too) and then I aim for 1 minute, then a minute and a half, then 2 minutes and each time i reach those mini-goals I put more intensity into my praise and well before I could only run for about 5 minutes before having to stop because of cramping up but in one session i ended up running for 15 minutes and man did i ever feel good! I am starting to apply this to weight lifting, i'm also focusing on what i'm greatful for and my goals while doing it to gain more motivational energy along side the praise and it is making the process much more enjoyable. This praising, greatfulness and focusing on goals I find is training me to give myself my own approval and acceptance so I don't need to get it from outside myself.

So I've had a couple assertiveness situations come up already.
#1 One of my hip-hop instructors usually sees me in his 2nd class just because its in the same location I go to with my workout buddy. The class is quite small and he could really use the numbers for his class because low numbers could lead to a cancelation for that class. Well my workout buddy canceled and so I just went to his 1st class at another location and he was trying to get me to go to the 2nd class. I think I told too much because he mentioned about how I said the day before I'd see him at the 2nd location but I was at the first class this time and that my workout buddy had to cancel. He told me I could go to both and I said I couldn't afford to do that and he tried one more time and I said again "I'm sorry I can afford to" and he left. I felt really guilty and stupid but I replaced thoughts and felt somewhat better and we'll see what happens the next time I see him (monday)

#2 My other hip-hop instructor her neck was really tight and she asked me if I could do a bit of a treatment on her but I had already been too exhausted from alot of anxiety, running on the tredmill and also working out with weights, I didn't have it in me to do any kind of shiatsu on her neck and so I told her that I was too tired and mentioned earlier about her setting a treatment up with me over the phone. So she told me she'll give me a call tomorrow to set something up. I felt a little guilty because she kept trying to treat it herself and so it was really bothering her but I just didn't have the energy and needed to take care of myself.

#3 Went to the doctors to ask for a referal to see someone who does talk therapy. I asked for what i wanted and the doctor asked about the medication that I was on and I told him I'm not on it, I do not want more medication, medication just numbs the feelings and I want to work through them. He respected my decision and was actually agreeing with me and saying thats what he tells his patients, that is better to work through stuff instead of use medication. I then told him that I respect him for saying that.

I have a few other situations coming up. There is a former friend of mine that ended the friendship because I purposely tried to hurt him out of my own anger and I placed many expectations on him and I am planning on going back and appologizing for what I had done. I'm not sure I want to go back to having a friendship with him yet though, i'm still debating that but if we do, it'd have to be alot diffrent and I would definately put my needs before his and I would take myself out of situations if they were really upsetting or bothering me, instead of just expect him to know that i'm upset and do the "right" thing.

Another situation is with a guy who I met online and talked to everyday for at least 4 months, who came to visit me and well he ended up with a friend of mine instead and basically walked all over me and is now with that guy. It made me full of rage, the guy appologized but I just kept trying to make him feel bad, trying to get him to break up with the guy but it didn't work and I felt guilty for saying all those things. They were both in the wrong but so was I and I want to go and appologize for my behavior, forgive myself and them for what they did and end it. I don't want to carry around that anger, I don't want to spend my time thinking of how to get revenge back for it but at the same time, I don't want anything to do with them anymore. They have to live with their behavior and the consequences of it and that is punishment enough and so is not having me around anymore. I can't control their behavior so I'm not letting them do anything to me, i'm letting myself off the hook.

I also want to confront someone else about a situation that happened in a therapeutic setting, something that bothered me.

A few things I'm realizing is that before I would overwhelm people when I was frantic and tried to talk to them, when I was panicky and I think I pushed many people away but now I can simply say, "I'm feeling ______________________, I need ____________" Ie I'm feeling really discouraged right now what I need from you right now is a little encouragement or I'm feeling really lonely right now, what I need is just to hear a friendly voice or a nice visit. I'm alot more likely to get what I want and need from that approach. I'm not going to leave it up to them to assume what it is that I need because they are not in my head, they cannot read my mind and they don't know how badly I need these things either, so I will tell them and i'm sure it'll cut down tremendously on the frustration and maybe I can teach these people to do the same with me too!


Mike

Paisleegreen
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by Paisleegreen » Fri Aug 26, 2011 2:33 pm

MIke, I like all the assertive positions that you took and also understanding when you allowed others to take advantage of your kindness. That was great how you knew you were exhausted and couldn't help that one woman out with her neck. You took care of yourself.

I was able to have a chat with my husband about things and b/c of that I was able to express my feelings and he felt better and is more encouraging. I don't feel so anxious around him, worrying about what he is thinking which is probably nothing, just my own anxiety.

I also have gone boating with my family twice where I actually got back up on water skiies after not being on them for ages. I was sore from both times, but it felt good to know that I can still do it. I also wrestled with my thoughts of if my Father hadn't been so stingy or controlling my children and I could have been enjoying boating all while they were growing up as well as myself in my adult age as their Mother. I've had issues with these feelings of anger and hurt that we stored his boat on our property but he wouldn't let us fix it or use until it rotted away.

So I've enjoyed the accomplishment of getting back on skiis and the surprise my adult children have from actually seeing their mother over 55 waterskiing, they have never seen me. :D So now I wrestle with taking care of myself as we have another boating trip, that I can be a part of or not. But it involves taking me out of my comfort zone, emotionally and physically.

It will be in a camping situation and at least an hour and half drive along a winding road which is scenic, but one needs to pay attention to the driving or it could prove fatal. Also, I would have to sleep in either a tent or pick up truck and not have my own bed or motel bed and comforts available. And the other is that I'm very sore right now from our last boating excursion a few days ago, used muscles I have not used and I am so sore. :|

So these are my options: Do not go tonight where I have to spend the night in the truck. I can stay home and rest and maybe DH will drive up tomorrow with me. So this gives me a long day trip, as we would travel back home on the same day.

Now I have to decide do I or will I be ready to physically take the punishment of waterskiing again when muscles might now be healed enough? But the family togetherness will be worth it as it will be on a lake I haven't been on and it is a warmer lake. I've been proud of myself for getting into cooler lake to waterski, not freezing, but not the warmest water either. So that has boost my self esteem for not being a pansy.

So the other scenario is that if I don't attempt to waterski again and just go tubing, I could have some fun with my family , but I might be better off to stay home and get the rest I need. But miss out on an opportunity to be with family taking on a new experience.

I still can have this experience in the future, but I don't know when in the future. And due to my anxiety last year I missed out on this even just a few weeks ago I missed out on going to this mountain lake to go boating and see my son's mountain property.

Anyway, when I am with family members, I do have to practice speaking confidently and also be sure I don't speak too much! LOL! paislee

finallyhere
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by finallyhere » Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:15 am

nononononononononno


This lesson is the story of my life

I am still in the game

NinjaFrodo
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Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by NinjaFrodo » Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:21 pm

Paisleegreen;
Wow you were assertive with your husband with how you felt? That is really amazing from where you were before-hand. You were keeping alot of that stuff in and it really seemed that you were just settling and even trying to ignore your feelings, do you realize how big that is for you to do that? I'm proud of you, you should be very proud of yourself for that as well! Sounds like you are getting to where you truely want to go.

Finallyhere;

nonononononono to what?

This lesson is pretty huge for all of us really!


Mike

NinjaFrodo
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by NinjaFrodo » Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:55 pm

So I had a few other situations where I got to practice being assertive. We had an online chat and I was feeling uncomfortable and I specifically stated that I was feeling uncomfortable and why I was feeling that way. Because of confidentiality reasons I can't go too much into detail but it felt really good to get that out and be heard. Also during online group therapy it felt so much better to not just talk about the facts of what happened but to also talk about how it made me feel. It was like giving emotion and color to the previous black and white picture. It felt alot more satisfying and I felt alot more heard and relieved to do it that way.

I decided to be assertive with another situation, actually the one with the other 2 people I had mentioned earlier in this thread. The situation where I got close with one guy while talking to him online on a daily basis for 4 months and then him basically throwing me aside for my friend. I appologized for the personal attacks and said I was feeling hurt and when the situation happened, I felt ignored, unwanted and as if my feelings didn't matter. It seemed like I was being discarded for a better model and that made me feeling inferior and worthless. I also responded to the other guy and I felt good temporarily but I had done this in a text message and so I have no idea if they even read my message and so It really didn't help long term and I kept having the anger come back up until I really took a deep look at my responsibilities of the situation. I did that through the use of the anger management book.

The idea was that I looked at all the stresses I was faced with before the situation actually took place (My depression, lack of self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, fear of abandonment...ect), then the stresses I got immediately after, my trigger thoughts, how i could have handled it better, how I could get what i needed from some other source and things like that and that really helped.

I was also talking to a friend through text messaging and I was really struggling with my anger and I called it "residual anger" and he was driving somewhere and said he couldn't talk right now and I said it was ok its not an emergency and to get back to me when he could. Well he didn't get back to me that day or the day after and I was feeling ignored and as if my feelings didn't matter. I used this as a practice opportunity and he already speaks assertively too so it was the best practice. I told him i was going to use this as practice and I gave 2 approaches. First approach asking what happened because I ask for his help and said to get back to me as soon as he could. He said he would remind me again that he said that day he was emotionally unavailable but that he still listened to me with my struggles and it sounded more defensive and I actually felt more stress. The 2nd approach I would say that I am feeling bad and then say about how I was struggling with the anger and ask for his help and said to get back to me and 2 days went by and I hadn't heard from him and I felt ignored and unimportant when he didn't get back to me. He said that way was much more genuine and he said he would appologize and that is not what he ment to do and then explain the situation and it felt much more open, not defensive and I felt heard. It made me feel alot more confident in being assertive.

Another thing I realized while listening to the lesson cds is that even though Lucinda has been recovered for many many years she still talks about situations that she has struggled with since being recovered and that just shows that there isn't a perfect spot where you have no more anxiety anymore and that you don't need to completely conquer it by the end of the 15 weeks. Even after starting the company she has made several mistakes in the cds, several things she said wrong, she has struggled with expectations over an article that someone did about her that was really off, she still had many negative thoughts about a vacation and about a couple parties and she is still recovered and still running the company and helping others and she is still good, so why would we have to be perfect and she not be perfect and still feel good about herself and still be recovered? If she can give herself permission to not be perfect, make mistakes, say funny things and act all goofy then why can't we do that too?


Mike

NinjaFrodo
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by NinjaFrodo » Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:17 am

I am feeling overwhelmed and maybe a little sick with a cold so am taking a short break


Mike

NinjaFrodo
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by NinjaFrodo » Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:54 pm

Alright so that was a longer break then I expected. I'm still around and well i'm back on track.

I've been working with an anger management book and have been learning how to deal with my anger before I did anything else especially assertiveness. One of my biggest fears is that i'll get into a situation that provokes anger and then not know what to do and then become obsessed with that anger and dwell on it, because that tends to happen if I get really angry. I think about it most of the day and then I talk about it to others and it can get overwhelming for them and they start to distance themselves and so I have tried to avoid getting angry at all costs.

So I've learned some assertiveness skills in there that I found more detailed then what is taught in the program. It deals with "I think", "I feel", "I want" statements.

Ie. Max is in dance class and is going along with the choreography, feeling pretty good about his efforts. After one of his friends in class comments on the mistakes he makes "Well you didn't get that turn down, and you were really sloppy with the footwork", Max has taken that personally and now feels worthless

Max could respond by saying "When you told me I didn't get the turn down and my footwork was really sloppy, I felt worthless. I thought to myself, you aren't good enough"

The other person in this case may not have intended to hurt the other person and thus has a chance to explain his motives and what he ment by that.


Another example;
Jill's brother borrows her car for the day and leaves it with no gas in the tank. Jill finds out the next day and when she finds out she feels angry, her belief is that if someone is going to borrow my car they should refill the gas tank.

*By the way yes I purposely put in the should there. This is a rule she has and it is a valid rule but not everybody is going to follow our rules everytime and when that happens we need to be assertive instead of just expect they will always follow our rules.

Jill could respond saying "When you borrowed the car it had a full tank of gas and when I go to use it and find no gas in there after you have borrowed it, I feel angry. If you are going to borrow the car I need you to refill the gas tank"


Avoid saying "you made me feel _______" or "what you did made me feel ________" or "I feel this way because of what you did"

State the facts, don't exaggerate. The facts speak about the situation...I thought or I feel talk about how you perceived it and reacted to what happened, not what the other person did to you, blame won't get you what you need or want.


Anyways so I was upset with a couple people and was assertive with them. I was terrified with being assertive with the first one because he was an authority figure. I had rehearsed it so many times in my head but was so nervous that it didn't come out the way I had hoped but it still came out and I said how I felt and what I needed and thats all that matters. I felt amazing afterwards.

The 2nd time I was assertive it was alot easier and I wasn't nearly as nervous as I was with the first one because I got the confidence that the techniques would work because they did the first time. This time however I had to appologize for my behavior and it was difficult to appologize and then ask the person to hear me out but I did it, we discussed things and it turned out well and I was able to stick with what I rehearsed in my head but had a few "uh" moments and had to stop for a few seconds to collect my thoughts but that was ok. I felt good.

I'm expressing how I am feeling more and more, even in situations that aren't conflicts and its great actually. Instead of just stating the situation and facts I can say how the situations made me feel like in hip hop class when we did a routine and I was really getting into it, I felt really amazing to be there and really great about how well I was doing. It adds so much more to conversations and people know exactly how you are feeling instead of having to guess. Its often guessing that can make people think they aren't being listened to.


Anways so i'm starting lesson 8 tomorrow...see you all then. I'm also planning to post in lesson 3 to give advice on how to replace thoughts. I've been working on a way to simplify it for myself and others that might have been really struggling with it.


Mike

Paisleegreen
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Re: Ninjafrodo's program runthrough lesson 7

Post by Paisleegreen » Sat Sep 24, 2011 9:55 am

Hi Mike--I like you examples of the girl and her vehicle coming back without fuel. I know how frustrating that can be. Very interesting that we are not suppose to use the I Feel statements as that has been the common way of communicating.

This is where I get so confused over telling my feelings to DS or just stay matter of fact when he does things that makes me feel put upon or not cared about. For instance, today he was trimming trees. I don't get consulted about how high up of branches that he cuts. It all has to do with the pick up truck he drives with lights on it and our work vans. I like the branches a bit lower due to privacy and shade.

I'm telling my husband this and he would like to remove the tree. Anyway, I just reread what you posted and you are suppose to use the "I Feel" statements.

He interrupted my posting to have me look at a video of my Grandson riding on a little four wheeler. This kid is 4 1/2 years old, doesn't always obey, has ADHD and can barely keep control of his bicycle. Plus while ride this 4 wheeler, he didn't have shoes on! What are they thinking? He was wearing a helmet. I was not happy to see this video and DH thinks I'm a Debbie Downer and he wouldn't have shown me the video. I'm pretty much down anyway...and to see this just Bothers me! I have a right to my opinion. This family doesn't have health insurance or accident insurance and this boy leaves home without permission and visits me when his Mother doesn't know. They leave down the street.

Okay, I just had to vent...I know some parents have their kid racing on dirt bikes at a very young age. I just don't see that this little boy has the judgment for such activities.

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