assertiveness in a relationship

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
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radicaledward84
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:43 pm

assertiveness in a relationship

Post by radicaledward84 » Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:14 pm

I'm having alot of trouble in my current relationship with assertiveness. I was home-schooled, raised Pentecostal, taught to be "seen and not heard", and was recently in a relationship where I was being abused and told I didn't have a valid opinion. All of these things have added up to my being *extremely* timid, and terrified of upsetting my partner. He has expressed his desire for us to be equals, and finds my meekness very hard to live with. We've almost broken up over it a few times. I want to be less timid, I know I deserve to be equal, but I can't get it to really sink in. I'm still afraid deep down of past abuse. How do I get past this and not self-destruct my relationships?

jkulag
Posts: 25
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 2:46 pm

Re: assertiveness in a relationship

Post by jkulag » Wed Jul 27, 2011 9:57 pm

I can relate to you fairly well. I grew up in a home where my father was domineering and verbally abusive on occasion. He also drank alot. I am now 57 years old and as I look back over the years I can see that I was attracted for many years toward people who were also domineering and verbally abusive. Eventually I started going to Al-anon, a group for people who have been affected by someone who abuses alcohol. I was about 30 years old when I started going to Al-anon meetings. I bought and read many books on the subject. I also felt timid. But, the time came very soon after I began my recovery that I wasn't willing to be a "door-mat" any more. Slowly but surely I became more assertive, especially when I realized how much I had been controlled and taken advantage of by other people. I suggest you try to find a support group in your town. A support group is extremely helpful and you will be amazed to discover how many people share your experience. Also, get some books on the subject and keep doing this program. As far as your relationship goes, you deserve someone who can be loving and patient with you. It takes time to change. Be kind and patient with yourself. I have also found it very helpful to read a Daily Affirmations book every morning that is geared toward people who have been raised in a rigid, controlling home. Best wishes to you. You will get better because you have realized what you need to do, and that is really half the battle. joanie

bunny rabbit
Posts: 66
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:41 pm

Re: assertiveness in a relationship

Post by bunny rabbit » Sun Jul 31, 2011 6:33 pm

Wow! I can relate. I went to Al-Anon for 15 years. My sponsor is dying at 87 in a nursing home at the present time. She was such an amazing woman. I have also been involved in Pentecostal churches for the last 40 years. I took 3 assertive training courses at night school 30 years ago. I was an stuffer for sure and never was allowed to express anger as a child and grew up with the perpetual smile on my face. When I started being assertive with my husband he responded with "You've got too much time on your hands, that's why you're angry". He didn't care how I felt so I felt assertiveness was pointless. Now I realize assertiveness is a way to get my anger outside myself in a healthy way. It isn't about getting the response I want from others. As far as support from others, that's why I'm writing on this board. It's great to connect with people who are working the program and are on the same page. I also have an accountability partner who I talk to once a week that is also working on making positive changes in her life. I have worked on boundary issues in therapy and done the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud which is fabulous with the study guide. I said no to my mother today but gave her a lengthy explanation for my reason which I would like to eliminate in future. I'd like to say no to her and leave it at that. That's my goal right now. Blessings to all from bunny

jkulag
Posts: 25
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 2:46 pm

Re: assertiveness in a relationship

Post by jkulag » Sun Jul 31, 2011 6:59 pm

It's so interesting to read your post, Bunny, because I relate to alot of it. I also read the BOUNDARIES book by Townsend many years ago. It's a great book. I guess it goes without saying that if our parents don't allow us or don't encourage us to speak up when we are children (which many parents don't), it's really hard to feel comfortable doing that when we become adults. And I was a big people pleaser, too. That's what I learned to do to get praised. It is hard to just say No" and leave it at that because I always want the other person's approval ! But I'm learning. I have to let go of needing that approval or it can be used against me to manipulate me. At least you realize you're not obligated to give your mom an explanation. That's progress, for sure. Some people never realize that, especially when it comes to a parent. I've also found alot of Christian woman ( I'm also a Christian) have trouble speaking up for themselves because some churches discourage that, too. I think that women in particular are discouraged from being assertive. Anyway, I've enjoyed your posts. It is amazing how "right on" are Lucinda'a observations on anxiety and it's characteristics. Everyone of these C.D.'s seems to have been recorded just for me. LOL Hope they are helping you , too. joanie

bunny rabbit
Posts: 66
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:41 pm

Re: assertiveness in a relationship

Post by bunny rabbit » Mon Aug 01, 2011 11:25 am

Hi Joanie: I agree with you. Assertiveness is far more a woman's issue than a man's. However my mother was certainly the dominant one in the relationship with my father. I remember her telling me as a kid, "I always get what I want, it may take me a while, but I always get what I want." But at what cost. My mother violated boundaries constantly and my father allowed it. I learned to take abuse from him and be a doormat. His words were always, "give your mother some allowances" and "I just do what the boss says".
To Everyone:
Regarding the questions in the workbook, I need to be assertive with my husband's head of his family clan. I believe they are completely enmeshed with each other with few boundaries. I am the black sheep of the family who has been shunned for years for not cooperating and now due to age, the matriarch wants me back in the fold. She made it clear years ago she didn't like me. She said it was my personality. So, what am I supposed to do, change who I am to please her?

Long story short, I have stayed away for many years and then a few days ago went to a family function because it was my son and his family that were all invited to a restaurant, so I felt I needed to go and she really wanted me there. The next thing I knew she was putting on the pressure for me to come to her home with all the women to do various crafts. They are all so wrapped up in each other, I haven't heard from any of them for years and now I'm supposed to don the smile and pretend I am part of this family.

I just want to say no and leave it at that. The worst thing that could happen is she ups the pressure to do what she wants, tries to get my husband on her side, gossips about me to the whole family etc. etc. I wish this situation would disappear. How's that for magical thinking? Blessings from bunny

NeverQuit
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:22 pm

Re: assertiveness in a relationship

Post by NeverQuit » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:40 pm

I too struggle with assertiveness, and was recently in a relationship where I found it very difficult to say no and to voice how I was feeling, for fear of disappointing. I just want to encourage you to let the fear of disappointing him go, I think that only adds more anxiety to what we are already feeling. I know that sounds difficult to do, especially when you want to keep someone, but you need to love yourself and give yourself permission to be this way right now, or else you are inhibiting your progress. I know I am talking to myself right now too, which is probably why I feel like it's important to share this with you. :)
Sometimes the only way to have the confidence to stand up and speak how you're feeling is to pray and hand the fears over to God, and step forward in faith! I think that's where a lot of this fear of being assertive comes from....needing to trust God to take care of things, and taking that step of faith. That's what it comes down to for me.

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