The Challenge...Lesson 7

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Daily Assertiveness Practice

Ok situation is that you have entered a contest of something you are very passionate about (ie singing). You have gave a performance that you felt confident about and the judge responded negatively.

Judge; That was terrible


How do you respond?

1)disarm; find something in there to agree with (either in principal with the criticism, some grain of truth in the statement or acknowledge the upset of the person is understandable based on how he/she views the situation)

2)empathy; questioning it

*Defensiveness arms people and they may respond with examples as to why what they are saying is true.

I think you guys have gotten the concept of how to approach these statements so I think I will respond after you guys do just so I don't influence your answers.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:55 pm

Hope,
I use aroma therapy all the time. There is a lady who has a degree in it, who is one of our customers. She mixes up all kinds of things and calls the like "stess buster" "feel good" ect... She is a massage gal, and some of her patients are elderly. She has them put a drop in thier pillow, or on a cottom ball and stick it in their bras. Ect....
I have on in a little bottle with a cork lid. The oil is absorbed in the cork and you can breathe it. I wear mine as a necklace under my shirt or over don't matter. I have a leather tie to put it on over my head. I really think it works. I would use real oil extract though, not like Mike was describing as dollar store strengh. I really like it. ;)

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:05 pm

Mike,
2.) I would question it. I would want to know if it was the song they didn't like or the way I sang it.

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:13 pm

THH;

Wow that is just crappy. 3 links and still you can't watch it, I don't understand well thats unfortunate. Maybe try checking it out on youtube for yourself you might find a link.

By the way you are describing it I would have to agree that it sounds like she hasn't got over her hurt. I could only suggest that maybe she doesn't feel listened to. Its kind of like a little kid they just keep repeating the same thing over and over and over and over until the parent listens to them. I think as we get older we get a little more clever with how we go about doing that. The message I get from your explaination is she is saying listen to my pain and my suffering!

Thank you for the compliment on the input and I hope those questions help. I think its easier for me to find questions for other's situations but not so my own. Perhaps I put too much importance on my responses having to be good enough or adequate enough that it causes too much pressure but its alot less when suggesting to others because their situations aren't as intense to me as mine are to myself because there isn't all that emotional memory involved in other's situations. Its more of a puzzle with others.

Honestly I have that same problem when it comes to real time and thats ok. We don't have to go fast and that is the idea of practicing. You start off slow and then the more you do it the quicker you can do it.

Thats fine if your computer skills are still low. The only way to get better is to keep trying. You have gotten better since you first started so there is hope you can get better as you go along.

I'm doing ok, the sleep has become a big issue yet again. Digestion is a problem still too but I'm finding the bran helps so thats cool.

Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:14 pm

THH;

Alright so what is your question to the judge?


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

mcshope
Posts: 259
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:02 am

Post by mcshope » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:22 pm

THH

The idea of aromatherapy has always made me curious. As I am learning on different natural remedies, I have discovered a whole new world.

By the way, great job on changing your attitude last weekend, that is not an easy thing to do.

I have a few close friends, but the only person I can be completely open with is my husband. I am so used to be the strong one, that is not easy to change that role. I am working on it.

It is great that everything is ok with the lab tests. I asked my husband and he said that e-bay is maybe the best place to get the reverse osmosis filter. My husband is a great handyman, he fixes almost everything around the house and he was who installed ours.

Your example of the kitchen cabinets is great. It helped me put things into perspective.

Hope
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown

mcshope
Posts: 259
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:02 am

Post by mcshope » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:38 pm

Lindalee,

Congratulations... you did great driving on the highway. You are doing great.

Yes, sometimes the relaxation cd seems like not important, however by repeating it you are reprograming your brain. I guess that is why we also could benefit from positive movies and TV programs.

I understand how frustrating it can be to not be able to have a serious conversation with your husband without the fear that he will get upset. Calling you stupid is not right.

How was his job interview?...

I keep always an open chanel with God. I can't say that I pray, but during my day I talk to him. I hope your relationship with God doesn't get affected because of your husband's reaction.

Hope
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown

mcshope
Posts: 259
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:02 am

Post by mcshope » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:41 pm

Mike,

My question would be.... could you please explain what was terrible?... I would like to improve my performance and your input would be helpful.

Hope
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown

Karen L
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Sep 14, 2010 11:09 pm

Post by Karen L » Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:56 pm

I am on the road to recovery. there will be obstacles but I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and know that it will not hurt me.

wow, a busy day here in the forum since this morning lol..

was a good evening for me....went out driving and slowly increasing my boundaries.....decided to watch my tension and relax, especially my grip on the wheel and my shoulders...also decided to try to just float with the anxious feelings, which has also been a bit difficult for me...the relaxation and the floating helped :) I drove around for about an hour, increased my boundaries, used positive talk, listened to my driving cd, and tried to lower my expectations :) proud of myself :)


Mike

the what-ifs are probably my biggest problem...anticipatory anxiety really plays a major part in my anxiety....

yes, I do believe meeting the new guy has increased my anxiety....what-if he doesnt like me, what-if he lies to me or hurts me, what will happen if he wants us to go out, etc...but I am trying to think positive and figure I'll deal with stuff as it happens.....but yes, this stuff is in the back of my head which as increased my anxiety....but I also believe with the major holidays coming up I am already worrying about if I will attend them or not...

you are definitely right, Simon is not the assertive I want becasue I want to learn to be considerate, not rude or mean...

and you are very right, I was really trying to defend myself with my answer to the first self-evaluation question....I need to respond quick and assertive....I do not owe anyone an explanation and do not need to defend myself......very good input there :)

Mike, if you and THH want to do your practice right here, it does not bother me, I would actually love to just read what you guys play out as you never know if it might just help me :)

ok....my response to the next question
"that was terrible"
my response:
empathy, "could you please give me some constructive criticism, specific as to what you actually did not like?"

that link has something to do with copywrites in the US


THH

I really have been learning alot over the last 2 months, between this forum, the sessions, and my counselor.....it has really forced me to take a good long look at who I am, why I am, what I want, and how I can get there....I believe this is also a big part of my increased anxiety as Im no longer just accepting the anxiety....even more so that I am the one that actually causes my anxiety...and that it is only me that can recover from this, I cant rely on anyone else but me....also, having the house be my safe place was always comforting....now realizing that their is no safe place, and that I have to be safe with myself is a huge mental process for me....so I really think its just alot of the learning that is causing my anxiety....and Im just coming to this realization....it is becoming more and more real daily.....but I am ok :)

Ive never really gotten into aroma therapy, but I have heard lavendar is very peaceful and relaxing....maybe I should look into this :)


Hope

I didnt know what kind of surgery you had until now.....ovaraies do produce many hormones and Im sure that is definitely what is going on with your sleep...Im 42 and starting to get the night sweats lol....does it ever stop with us women?? lol

wow, psychology.....funny how so many in the medical field suffer with anxiety and depression, just so ironic....
did you enjoy practicing?? would you like to go back?? I know being a nurse you do have to be state tested for every state that you practice in..kinda ridiculous...now you are origially from Mexico right?? did you have anxiety when you moved to the US??

you are so right about the "normal"....does anyone truely know what normal even is??

I would love to have someone treat me like a queen....I would have to get used to that though lol :)

Im trying to practice patience, especially at red lights and in line at stores...Ive actually let people go before me in the check-out just to make myself practice lol :)

Jamie....hope all is good :)

have a great week-end everyone!!!

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:04 am

mcshope;

Well if it was a singing competition then your response would be...You were way off key, the song also was just a bad choice.

Karen L;

Sounds like a great evening, keep at the skills :) Floating is very difficult for myself as well so I know how you are feeling.

Likewise my what-ifs are pretty big with my anxiety too. Its my expectations, assertiveness, what-ifs and obsessiveness that are the main core pieces.

That sounds like alot of worries and I'm guessing you are similar to me in that you have all these what-ifs because you still don't have trust in your own abilities to handle them. At least this is the case with myself.

It was a good response that you put to the first assertiveness practice. Its so easy to just keep trying to defend oneself. It is so ingrained in our heads to go ahead and do it that we don't even have to think so much about it, its automatic. Its just a button we have to turn off or hide behind many layers of assertiveness.

I guess we could do the practice on the forums it would take lots of time but that'd be ok. I think I may create another thread and just link it to our current lesson. It might just make things alot easier. That would probabbly be the most helpful to everyone to do it on here so thank you.

Same response that I gave mcshope;
Well if it was a singing competition then your response would be...You were way off key, the song also was just a bad choice.




Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

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