major anxiety with being assertive with certain people

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
feelingbetteryay
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:11 pm

Post by feelingbetteryay » Sat Nov 13, 2010 7:26 am

I have realized that one of my biggest problems is with being assertive. And when I first started all of this I didn't even see how being assertive or not had anything to do with anxiety. But WOW has that changed. I realized so much how much I lack assertiveness. More so with certain people.

I've learned that I have a really hard time being assertive with my best friend. Any time any sort of conflict arises, I feel extreme anxiety, catastrophizing everything on the inside, and totally freaking out.

I have always been very passive, especially with her and I think...no now I know a lot of it is because 1. I'm a passive person-I hate conflict and will avoid it at all costs, and 2. she can be aggressive when she is upset about something. So those two = a deadly combination for me lol.

I've been trying to be more assertive with everything, and lately I have been feeling some situations where I could be more assertive with her, but am finding that I have a really hard time with it.

I've also noticed a lot of resentful feelings I have toward her that stem from her upsetting me about things in the past, and never saying anything about it because I just wanted to 'keep the peace' or what I felt was wrong in some sense, etc. etc. etc.

I just don't know how to get past it all.

I know that the more I practice being assertive with her, the more comfortable I will become with it, but AAAHHHHHH it's really hard.

Does anybody else feel like this with certain people who are very important to them?

I mean she's my best friend and I love her to death and don't know what I would do if we ever weren't friends.

I'm just having a hard time getting through this assertive stuff especially with her.

And WOW I've had this program for a while and always listened to it without really practicing or applying what everyone was saying, but once I finally did I can't believe how much it really works.

I have been experiencing peace of mind, calmness, depression lifting, and oh my does it feel good. :)

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Sat Nov 13, 2010 7:34 am

Welcome, feelingbetter! I'm glad you are starting to work the program. I know how this can help us to feel better, I'm been feeling better ever since I've come here and also when I practiced CBT training.

I'm a more outgoing person, but my spouse is quiet, but is passive aggressive and I have a hard time having a discussion w/ him w/o him getting offended. So it is hard sometimes, but then I have adult children that have no problem being aggressive and rude. So I'm here to work on those issues myself.

I want to show I care about my adult children, but that they can show respect for my feelings just as much as they want me to show respect for them.

So you keep coming here and posting and together we can get things worked out, I hope. ;) :) Paislee

Nugget28
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:31 pm

Post by Nugget28 » Sat Nov 20, 2010 7:13 am

I totaly know what you mean feelingbetteryay.

I have to admit I am having a difficult time with this lesson to.
It is so challanging.
I am a person that doesn't like change and this program has made me change
for the better. It is hard to change after being a certain way for so long.
I was not assertive at all and i was very passive.

It is a long process but I am noticing that I am changing. It is kinda scarry.
I am sticking up for myself more. If I don't agree with someone I will
tell them my opinion instead of agreeing with everything they say.
But I still find it difficult to stand up fo myself to people with authority.
I am making choices that are good for me instead of worrying
what someone might think of me when I say no.

I have noticed that my mom is a very negative person. She says a lot of negative things
to me which I used to take so personal.When I was growing up she always used to bully me
about being overweight and I think that is the reason why my self esteem was so low.

Everytime I complement her she says something negative in return. When I wanna help her with
something she always makes a negative comment.
I have also noticed that my younger sister is very negative with herself. I find myself
giving her positive talks because I don't want her to go
through anxiety. This programm has helped me so much.


I know what you mean with being assertive with people that are important to you. I am being
more asertive with my family. But I keep reminding myself that I have to change myself because
it is good for ME. Being assertive will help us tremendously. It may make us feel kinda
selfish at first but like Lucinda says thats normal.
Keep being more assertive! Your friend will probably notice it and maybe she won't like it at first.
But if she notice how you are changing for the better she will be very proud.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:46 pm

I just wanted to add to this thread something I learned a while back. Some personality types are called "Mismatchers". No matter what you say to them, they will mismatch it! They will say the opposite. They are inclined to see the difference and challenge what you say.

I have to be careful that I don't do that myself. Also what is hard for me is to stay silent. ;)
I really have to work hard to just listen, while other people have a hard time making small talk or talking at all, I'm the other way around. Like the show "MONK" it is a "gift" and a "curse". Due to my friendly skills I can help people to feel comfortable. But I also have to be careful to not dominate a conversation or learn to stay more quiet. Because a more quiet person will have a hard time speaking up.

Although some of the quiet ones, will speak up if they feel "stepped on" a lot sooner than I would. And maybe that's because I probably don't feel stepped on as strongly as someone else. Just something to think about. :) Not saying there is a right or wrong method of communication.

nerveball
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:20 am

Post by nerveball » Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:48 am

Hi everybody. I am working on trying to be more assertive. I don't even think I've gotten to that session yet but my lack of assertiveness gets in my way all of the time. Sometimes now since I've started the program I can speak up or whatever but then the person will strike back like I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm stupid or something. That's when I normally would back down and think maybe I am stupid. The positive self talk tape has helped with that but sometimes I am caught off gaurd because I'm not expecting people to react that way. I guess that's where the expectations session comes in because then I have to consider that I can't control what other people think or feel and just because they feel it doesn't make it right. I need to be more sure of myself and back myself up at all times. If I find out that I am wrong later than I can apologise if I need to and then go on the new information and back myself up on that. I have a hard time considering that things don't have to be a certain way all of the time. Things can change. My mind can change. And I am still intelligent. Imagine that. My shoulds eat me alive. I can see that now. I still have a lot of them though, but I'm working on them. I get so mad at myself sometimes because after listening to the tapes I'm not automatically cured just like that. I can do something right according to the tape the first time and then the next time rolls around and I mess up and I'm thinking I was only fooling myself, I'm the same stupid person I always was. I guess that's negative self talk huh. I'm working on it. At least I can bounce back a lot quicker than before. And considering that before that my answer to every problem was that I'm just stupid and no good and I might as well do the world a favor and die, I guess I'm doing better. Is that an accomplishment? Anyway I hope this helps somebody else cause it helps me to get it out.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Mon Dec 13, 2010 9:33 am

Hi Nerveball--I get what you are saying. I have been experiencing the same thing. I'm speaking up more and getting resistance. My husband thinks I'm mean...that's because I use to put up w/ what everyone else says to keep the "peace", and I'm not doing that anymore. It is causing me anxiety to not have my feelings heard.

It is a lonely road right now for many of us, while we muddle forward in our desire to be healthy and listened to. Eventually, we are going to make it and feel stronger and more at peace w/ ourselves.

It is going to be awkward at first, but as we practice, we'll get better at it. We'll become better listeners as well. :) Paislee

nerveball
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:20 am

Post by nerveball » Mon Dec 13, 2010 1:20 pm

Hi Paiseleegreen, I guess I'm not a good listener because I figured you as completely cured. Or maybe that's what I wanted to think so I could compare myself to you and say see she got better, I'm just the only one who can't. I've got some twisted thinking going on sometimes.:? Anyway I appreciate your comments and I will try to be a better listener too. At one point I was a real good listener but then I got in the way and was so busy worrying about what people think of me that I could not hear them cause I was putting in my own thoughts and words in their mouths. I do care a lot about others though.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:24 am

Hi Nerveball--:) That's nice of you to think I'm cured. But Lucinda says on her CDs that we will never be cured completely because life happens. There will always be something that will come into our lives to test us. We will all experience financial difficulties, depressing events, and mean people.

But by working on how we think about these things or go about our day, our depression and anxiety can be lessened. I have overcome many obstacles in life. One of the worst was losing a son at age 15 to suicide.

I was a changed woman...life has never been the same since then. They weren't totally "rosey" before his death, so this stretched every fiber in my being. My friendships, my activities, my relationships w/ my remaining children and husband. Relationships with my parents and siblings and other acquaintances.

The thing to remember is that life doesn't stand still for one to catch up. I had to find that out the hard way. My children kept growing up and they are in their own pain.

We've had business acquaintances that we've helped out take great advantage of my husband's kindness and his lack of assertiveness.

So I can say that I've been "cured" because Lucinda's Program isn't the first one I've gone through. I'm doing her program because I've been on anti-depressants for a long time and I weaned myself off of them.

I'm not back on the anti-depressants that I use to be on, and I'm taking the bare minimum of what I take now. And I'm being more assertive w/ my husband and others.

Now I need to work on "staying calm" think positive thoughts and work on changing my own environment, bit by bit. As I work on eating good foods and getting some exercise to keep me "feeling good" emotionally.

I have to really work on my value system is not going to be other people's values. So I have to work with that and our differences. So I'm a work in progress...and will always be as long as I'm a human being. I would be pleased as punch if I wasn't bothered by what other family members think or just their body language.

I read too much into it. But I had to growing up, because I had such a nervous mother, and she was very critical and didn't balance that out much with loving gestures. She was a "good" mother, just not the kind that said "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" very much at all.

Although in letters there were a few times.
Anyway, she had her own difficulties to work with.

Okay, I could go on, and get off topic.
:) Paislee

nerveball
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:20 am

Post by nerveball » Thu Dec 16, 2010 3:03 pm

Hi Paislee, I just found this response. I have not gotten the knack of this thing yet. Anyway I feel for you. You sound like a strong person, yet a work in progress. You've overcome a lot and still can be strong for someone else in their pain. Hang in there and keep taking care of you. I miss a lot by not knowing how to work this but I just found out that I can pull up someones name to see what's recently posted by them. Hopefully I can figure the rest out soon so that I can share appropriately with you all and actually know what's going on. And don't try to read people so much cause I found out that when we do that sometimes we project some of our negative feelings onto someone else when they aren't really there.

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Thu Dec 16, 2010 3:31 pm

Hi Nerveball-- I like what you said about not reading people too much because we can project some of our negative feelings onto someone else when they aren't really there. You are so right! :D

I'm going to make that my Mantra, LOL! I've got to remember that as I listen to my adult children. They have their own troubles, I'm just the Mother, so they are going to be emptying their full buckets into mine.

I can't really expect them to boost me up, when they are still trying to figure out what is dragging them down. I just have to work on myself. Take Babysteps...one step at a time! :D
Thanks, Nerveball! :) Paislee

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