Assertiveness practice

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
NinjaFrodo
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Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Sun Nov 14, 2010 2:49 pm

Hate is the star...From Xena

This is a very great song. Very informative about hatred! This comes from my favorate show in the world, Xena warrior princess. It was because of this show that I am still alive now.

Hearts are hurting...Also from Xena
Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

cream cheese
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Post by cream cheese » Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:44 pm

THH and MIke, I think listening in todays world is a lost art. Some people are so self absorbed its sot tough for them to break out of that tough exterior they built for themselves.
I always try to disarm people if I hear something that may appear to me as an "ATTACK"
its difficult sometimes because they may not be meaning to attack you, its from another incident that triggered off them putting you in the bulls eye zone so to speak. I usually recieved a good response in Nursing if I was presently being attacked to say to that person" Is everything ok, you seem like something is on your mind" Using words like" annoyed, agitated, mad, off the wall, doesnt help that person who is dealing with a situation that is disrupting their life at present then they turn on you. I love Albert Einstein....."everything is relative" and if you think of the whole world on that perspective....I mean REALLY THINK about how we all work together and affect each other every day, it really IS ALL RELATIVE. You have a bad day.....you come home, you are still angry at a co worker, you verbalize to your significant others because you say to yourself, I have to talk about this, I need this resolved, I cannot take this anymore and WHAM..you unload it on another.....in turn that may make that person upset....he or she in turn goes to work the next day with your problem on their mind and then begins to vent to others....after that that event in your life has turned peoples lives into either chaos or may result into a helpful hint that may come back to help you out through your significant other. It happens every day. We just dont understand how as a world of people affect each other with our feelings, thoughts, words and actions. Truley a world event in my eyes takes place daily between us all.

cream cheese
Posts: 104
Joined: Tue May 22, 2007 6:33 pm

Post by cream cheese » Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:51 pm

All in a nutshell after my long post....We all need to be listened to....and the moral of the story is.....Its a lost art, people dont WANT to listen anymore. TRUE listening to people and having them come back to you asking how you are doing with that problem or situation is a GOOD compassionate person in my eyes. The world is FULL of TALKERS and not LISTENERS right now.

Paisleegreen
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Post by Paisleegreen » Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:18 am

Mike, thanks for posting David Burns list of bad ways of communication. It was good to reread them after not having done so for at least a year as far as I can remember. Even then I don't think I was focusing on that as much as CBT techniques in David Burns 10 Steps to Self-Esteem workbook.

Your list is very helpful.

NinjaFrodo
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Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:52 am

Creamcheese;

Alot of people don't know any better. Many people are also sufferers like us and well pain makes us more inwardly focused and the lack of being listened to ourselves makes us not listen to others. We are so consumed with our own lives and emotions that we aren't as considerate to others. If we had a little more of the Japanese culture where you do whats best for the community (however there are limits with this as well) then I think it would be better. The media and even things like the Secret give the idea that success and joy comes out of materialistic things and out of being the best and thinking only about yourself and it really doesn't help. Its got to change and if we want this change we have to be it!

That sounds like a good response. I guess those words annoyed agitated and made and stuff might be the same as when I was working at a coffee shop and this one guy was furious and yelling at the front staff because of an issue he had through drive threw and I told him he needed to calm down. It didn't work! He got more angry.

Your right we do affect each others lives. I'm starting to actually accept this in myself and with my growing up. Serious family problems made my life hell directly and indirectly. Its sad because our pain can cause pain to other people if it is not dealt with. The other person who's pain causes more pain might not even realize this and things like unloading like you said definately happen and could easily be avoided.

So lets change the world! Lets teach people how we want them to treat us, lets teach them how to communicate more effectively! I'd actually like to start videoblogging sometime soon to do this myself. Also I'm already starting to write a book that I will get published one day about my sexual abuse as a child and the depression that came with that and what I've been doing to overcome this.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:54 am

Paisleegreen;

Your welcome, I haven't really paid much attention to this part either when i first got this book a year ago. I was more focused on the vertical arrow technique and the other thought replacement techniques. I have barely even touched the Self-esteem workbook!

This is a very useful list and sometimes I have to go back to it when i'm figuring out responses to negative comments online.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Tue Nov 16, 2010 5:59 am

This next example is actually one of my negative thoughts. I'm going to utilize the communication techniques to handle this one as if it came from another person. This is actually a method called the feared fantasy method which I have talked about in detail in my lesson 9 of the challenge;

The Feared Fantasy Method

What happens is you do some roleplaying. One person is the "angry critic" which is an imaginary person who says the meanest things (which are actually your own negative thoughts. its a projection really) and you. The person says something really mean and you disarm them or inquire more information and you basically learn how to handle this situation at the same time as putting the lie to your negative thoughts on a gut level. This has the potential to change alot of irrational beliefs and our viewpoints on a permenant level. This is my first attempt though so I don't have much experience with it...only with reading it and the communication techniques.


Ok so my situation is that emotions from me being molested are starting to come up. I am dealing with alot of shame right now. Shame about how my body reacted during the actual act.


Angry Critic: You are a Discusting piece of s***!
Me: Sounds like you are upset with me. Just what about me makes me discusting?
Angry Critic: You felt pleasure when some old man took advantage of you as a kid.
Me: Yes my body did respond to the stimulation with pleasure at that time. Do you feel that wasn't suppose to happen?
Angry Critic: No it shouldn't have happened! It's sick! You are sick!
Me: Ok so you think I should have responded diffrently then. How would you expect me to respond? And what is it about me that makes me sick?
Angry Critic: I don't know, you just shouldn't have liked it! That makes you sick!
Me: So you say I'm sick because my body reacted to the sexual stimulation with pleasure? Or what?
Angry Critic: Yes you should have been repulsed by it.
Me: Well I definately am repulsed by the idea now but how was I suppose to know any better back then?
Angry Critic: It was an older male who you were related to.
Me: Yes it was an older male and he is related to me and it sounds to me like you're saying I should have known better. Is this right?
Angry Critic: Yes you should have! You shouldn't have let it happen!
Me: Your right if I knew now what I did back then, then I wouldn't have let it happen and I would have told another adult and I wish I did know what was going on.
Angry Critic: But he did stuff with your private parts. That was wrong!
Me: Yeah it was wrong, he took advantage of me and of his power as an adult.
Angry Critic: But if you enjoyed it, this must mean you condoned it and that you will do that to children yourself.
Me: I definately enjoyed it when I thought it was right. Do you think I will become an abuser because I enjoyed it?
Angry Critic: Yes
Me: I have definately worried about this happening myself many times and some people who were sexually abused do become offenders. Do you think think they all turn into abusers?
Angry Critic: Well no I guess not but some still do.
Me: Yes a small fraction of them do. Do you think I am one of those small fraction of people?
Angry Critic: Yes because you don't sound ashamed of it.
Me: So do you think that being ashamed is the only thing stopping me from turning into one of those people?
Angry Critic: I do because if you enjoyed it then you must think it is right.
Me: Do you think that because I enjoyed it back then that I enjoy it right now?
Angry Critic: Yes I do with the way you are talking about it.
Me: I enjoy sexual stimulation in general for sure now and I enjoyed it back then as well. I'm really sorry if you are having a problem accepting this but the body is ment to respond to sexual stimulation with pleasure and if I can't accept that then I can't allow myself to enjoy it now. In all reality this was an adult figure who I should have been able to trust that broke this trust and took advantage of my innocense and lack of power. He should have known better then that! The pain only started after I realized years later what he had done, I became depressed and even contemplated suicide, it kept me from enjoying pleasure sexually and interfered with relationships and I wouldn't wish this upon anybody!



Ok well I do feel alot better but I think I'm going to work on this script a little more and refrence back on the feeling good handbook when I get home because this sounds kind of robotic and I think that If I can make it more human like, it will have an even bigger impact on me!


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

Paisleegreen
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Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:21 pm

Mike, I thought you did that conversation/thought process well! :) Good Job!

On a side note, have you ever read the books by Dave Peltzer(I think that's the last name.) One title is "A Boy Called "It", something like that. I have all his books, but haven't read them lately because the abuse he suffered was horrible. I think I first saw him on Oprah or Phil Donahue. I think it was Oprah. It has been awhile.

THH
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Post by THH » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:57 pm

Mike,
Your practice went well! I see your conflict. I can't tell you what to do either as I have not been in your shoes. It seams to me your on the right track.
Self forgiveness comes to mind.
I will have to think about this to give a good example.
I'll post then. :)

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:24 pm

thank you Paisleegreen and THH however this script is not good enough to make a permenant change in my perception. There seems to be some residual crap and I'm using some other techniques to deal with this and then will redo the script.

I have no idea who Dave Peltzer is, i've never heard of him.

Self-forgiveness is a great idea. I just need to figure out what part of this is acceptable and what part isn't.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

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