Assertiveness practice

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Wed Nov 17, 2010 7:54 am

I did a few other techniques and i'm ok with posting them. I also wrote out another script but I feel it is too detailed to put in a regular forum. If you want I can PM it to anybody who might be intrested, just ask.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:26 am

Mike,
The angry critic, is the negative. Me: You are the positive.
What do you get when you listen to the angry critic? How dos that make you feel?
When you / Me: does the assertive practice how do you feel?

I would try not to let this angry critic influence you to believe him. Focus on your thoughts, the Me in your practice. Try not to feed the monster! What is in the past is in the past. You are a different person now, and don't allow the past to get tangled up with confusion for your present. Try to keep it separate. If you need to forgive your self for what you did not know or understand, give yourself that permission. Take a time out, what you went through as a young boy is not the life you have now. You are old enough now to understand and make your own decisions. If you need to pm someone I can listen. I'm sorry I can't give better advise on this, I wish there were something to say to really help you. If I could take it all away from you I would. I think you have the power to do this, if not now, in your future you will. ;)

creamcheese
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:54 am

Post by creamcheese » Wed Nov 17, 2010 4:22 pm

Mike.....Sounds like Angry critic is confused about what is right and wrong...in fact...the subject of Being abused in any way in general is self taught through social avenues such as tradition, family issue impacts in childhood, having a significant other make you feel guilty even though you are not. In other words where does the right and wrong in any action in our lives demand that it is right or wrong. Are we taught this behavior, of course we are.
In my eyes the fault is in the adult Because he is supposed to be much wiser, and project moral values....Humans are imperfect in every way...we shouldnt blame ourselves for an action of intimidation from an older adult but the damage is done and how do you the offended work it out for the rest of your life. Some must have other people no matter who they are PAY for what they went through in the life as a child, they want to actually PUNISH the person for instilling it on them but have no outlet, therefore they take on other forms of behavior whether it be productive or anti-societal.
Abuse as a child in any form will have a negative impact in adulthood because we stigmatize it, we put it on a pedestal, we inflame it, we make matters worse by reliving that moment in our minds like a broken record. Its self punishment for an act that was provoked by a person who was thought as a respectable adult which crashed and burned.
Finding new ways to release the intense emotional upheaval of it all is difficult, because all you need is a trigger and it all comes back in full color. Redirection of blame in your case is imperative. This was not your fault, it was provoked, and the feeling you got was natural for pleasure, We are all human, It was the male relative who was selfish, unfeeling for your feelings, Like the devil tempting Eve with an apple,,,,he made it sound so delicious and the reward was to be like God.....thus...we are human with human weaknesses....dont take your humaness for liking the stimulation as bad. You were a child, children are easily led. And if parental guidance was highly limited, you would have been alot stronger at that time to turn away. We need support and backup from the people we love in stressful times. This is so critical.

creamcheese
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:54 am

Post by creamcheese » Wed Nov 17, 2010 4:26 pm

ps guys. will be off the old computer for a few days....I hope I can catch up....Moving day on the 19th..this Friday....wish me luck I am falling apart with this. I wasnt too assertive with my movers today....because I was wiped out and I didnt care anymore....mentally and physically.

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Wed Nov 17, 2010 5:11 pm

THH and Creamcheese I think you missing the point of this exercise. It is the feared fantasy method which i described in lesson 9. The angry critic is an imaginary person who talks far worse than any other person would talk. The point of the exercise is to face one's worst fears in order to overcome them. Its actually not so much assertive practice as this imaginary critic isn't responding the way the average person would.

THH I know you are trying to be helpful and I appreciate that but all you are doing right now is contradicting me. Telling me not to let the past get tangled up with confusion for my present is kind of like telling a worrier not to worry. I don't need advice with this one.

Creamcheese Yes you're right, That angry critic is my negative side and I have been confused about what is wrong and what is right and the situation itself has impacted every area of my life.

My friend had also said it is the fault of the adult because the person should have known better. I was really confused at which part of the abuse was wrong. I was confused because the body sensations felt good and I thought they weren't suppose to feel good because it was abuse. However the abuse of power and the broken trust was the bad part of it! Also I have been the one reliving it over and over again, the other person didn't do that to me however they are the cause of the original situation and completely disregarded how it could have screwed me up and did it anyways for their own pleasure.

Thank you. I do appreciate you validating that it is natural to feel pleasure in that situation. This is what I really need the most because that was the root of my shame.

good luck with moving.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Thu Nov 18, 2010 4:13 am

Cream Cheese,
GOOD LUCK! Its a bran new beginning! Relax and flow with the move. Is you cat moving with you? Let us know how you like your new place.
It will be hard, but I bet you will feel so much better once its done. You won't have "the move" to look forward to.
Lots of luck! :)
It will be good.



Mike,
Sorry if I took your practice differently then it was intended. I guess I heard something different in the words. I didn't feel it was imaginary? I think Cream cheese said it very well what I too was thinking.

I do not want to be contradictory to you when you feel you have something under control. Thank you for pointing it out, and I'm glad you realize that I can not offer much help in this area.

Either way I'm happy that you now feel validated that it is a natural body response to feel pleasure and free you from feeling shame. ;)

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:17 am

I would also Like to add, that after I read creamcheeses reply, I can say I understand everything much better.
She did a very nice job in explaining abuse. Thank you for posting. ;)

Paisleegreen
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Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Thu Nov 18, 2010 8:37 am

Good Luck, Cream Cheese! :) Paislee

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Thu Nov 18, 2010 3:41 pm

THH;

I felt bad about how I responded to you. I did shut you down and I feel bad about that, i'm sorry.

You still have some things to offer in this, we always do. Listening is one of the best things we can do for each other and if you do feel bad about what I'm saying you are allowed to state that (like with the I feel statements). If you have no life experience with it directly you are definately welcome to ask in order to see more of how I view it (like with the inquiry technique) and well we can all relate to pain and certain emotions which by the way you are very good at (empathy). Yes I used this opportunity to show you how to use the communication techniques as you did say you liked those responses in one of the earlier threads. By the way I thought about it and it really did seem funny I was doing the feared fantasy technique which is not a technique to practice assertiveness, in the assertivness practice thread. I guess there are still some things that could be considered practice as I am using several diffrent techniques.

The more I hear that it is a natural body response the more it becomes ingrained so thank you!


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Thu Nov 18, 2010 3:53 pm

Alright so did anybody find it helpful when I took a negative statement and then came up with several diffrent responses for it? Should I continue with this?


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

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