Assertiveness practice

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok so this thread is to practice roleplaying when it comes to certain people we're having problems being assertive with. It is also great practice when we are worried about being criticized for doing certain things we don't feel confident about.Ie. Singing, joking, risk taking...

there are 3 key things involved in being assertive here.
Disarming-Which means to find a way to agree. You can agree on;
1)The principal of the criticism,
2)Find a grain of truth in the statement and agree with that
3)Acknowledge that the person's upset is understandable because it is based on how he/she views the situation

Inquiry
Asking questions to figure out more about what the person means and to see the situation through that person's eyes

Feedback/Negotiation
This is where you would use the I feel statements and you would say your side of the story in an objective way basing things on fact instead of opinion.


So What I would need is a situation someone is dealing with or a particular person. I will play you and you would play the person who is insulting you or being mean to you. My goal would be to take the wind out of your sail and defuse the situation. Your goal is to try to upset me. We can then switch roles and you could also write out what we have said and keep that as a script you can practice with one of your friends at home.



Mike

[THH]

Mike,
Okay, I'm going to be a person who I know, a male family member who is not my father. He is one of 5 of my uncles. I love him and on many occasions have had terrible anxiety over things he says. So I will use him. I think I'm doing better but I'm not so sure if I'm handleing things the best I can.

So I'll toss this out here, let me know if this is what you want?


x-What are you doing on the 5th of January? I'm going to have a dinner. I want all your family to come. You know how they are?
ME- Well X its really too far off for me to know so get back to me when the time comes closer.


X- See how you are?
Me- No, how am I?
X - You don't ever come down here. I envite you all the time.
Me - Thats not true, I was there last dinner you had with so in so.
X- Well you didn't come for blah blah....

Now comes the battle...and the anxiety.

[NinjaFrodo]

wow thats alot of uncles. Alright we can work with this.

ok so lets start off with how X says, See how you are?

X-See how you are?
Me-No, How am I?
X-You don't ever come down here. I invite you all the time.
Me-There definately are many occasions you invite us to that we'd like to come but we just don't make it.

[This kind of response disarms him and he isn't as likely to bring up past situations you didn't come to in order to prove his point but still he might do that]

So how would this uncle respond to this in your opinion?


Mike

[THH]

x- I tryed to call your mother, she never calls me back. Your sister always says she will call me back and never does. Thats Ok I'll remember this, their time is coming.

Me - I know everyone is busy and has busy life.

x- Thats no excuse.

Me - I don't know what to tell you, just have your dinner and who ever comes... comes.

x- Nobody ever cares about me. I offer to cook and no one wants to come. I told your mother I had pumpkins all she has to do is stop and get one for free. She don't come.

Me - x thats not true people do care about you, it may not be in the way you want them too.

x- It is and you know it.

Me - Why everytime I talk to you does it turn into a fight?

x - Just forget about it. Go about your day, and just do what you must. I have their numbers.

[THH]

Mike,
I like the dissarms thought. Your right, because its sorta agreeing with him by responding in a way that he is being heard.

[NinjaFrodo]

Thats good he probabbly would change the subject very subtly like that.

x- I tryed to call your mother, she never calls me back. Your sister always says she will call me back and never does. Thats Ok I'll remember this, their time is coming.

me-They definately do forget to return many phone calls

(assuming that the Nobody ever cares about me is the next response I will respond to that one too)

x- Nobody ever cares about me. I offer to cook and no one wants to come. I told your mother I had pumpkins all she has to do is stop and get one for free. She don't come.

me-I agree that it might seem like nobody cares when people don't come when you invite them and that must make you feel really lonely. That was very consider of you to offer that to her.


[I'm glad you liked the response and you got the message that I'm trying to send out. How helpful are you finding it so far?]


Mike

[THH]

Mike,
Those are very good responses. I hope I can remember them, as this happens quite often. He does like to tell me how everyone deals with him, and I have trouble ( take it personally ) with either trying to explain or make excuses for them. I guess I get mad because I wish he would say those things to them personally, rather then share it with me.
Thanks for the help. You have a very good way with words!
Do you want to keep going? Do you want me to try helping you with something?

I think it is very helpful. Does anyone else want to try it?

When I get caught, maybe in a hurry and someone calls me and I quickly answer thinking it may be a short call, and it turns into one of these, it make me anxious. I want to go, and yet I want to make time for them.
I get short with answers then too.
I have learned to not answer the phone when my time is short. I can call them back. I do not have to obey the phone! LOL....

[NinjaFrodo]

Just keep practicing and you won't have to worry about remembering them, it'll come automatically.

It can be hard to deal with that stuff, I've been that person that people like to complain about myself because I was the one who listens and had a hard time saying no to someone...its the people pleasing. I know for me it feels very frustrating and draining and makes me not want to talk to people and avoid them so I don't have to deal with the situation again.

Your welcome and each time we do it, I ingrain it more in my head. I think definately keep going and when you feel confident we can switch roles or we can do that now, your choice.

I've done that too and it feels really frustrating and I feel like yelling at the person but don't. Yes the phone doesn't have to control you.

Mike

[THH]

Mike,
Your right when you say to keep practicing. That helps me most.

I too am a people pleaser. I listen too and I get held hostage at times, sometimes I don't mind, but others I need to work on a polite exit stratagy.
Let me think and see what happens this weekend maybe I will have a new thing to talk about. Seams like when I have someone to talk to I can't think of something(is a good thing) but I do get stuck and I am thankful for your help. As I have said you do really well with words.

I had a good week. hope you did as well. I'll check Saturday as I have nothing really planned for the weekend! Have a good one!

[NinjaFrodo]

I'm trying to apply these techniques more and more...even when just responding to normal messages that aren't hostile. I'm realizing you don't have to have angry and negative comments to use them.

I still have a problem with being held hostage and it really does feel frustrating at times. Especially if you are rushing to do things, already stressed or really tired and exhausted. Don't you find that too?

I think that situation with your sister-in-law would be a great one to work with. The last one you had to deal with. Or maybe we can play with variations of responses with the script we just made.

Mike