Assertiveness practice

[THH]

Mike,
I liked the way you did your responses. It gives me a feel for what you are doing. I think I could use a few more examples.
I agree your last one was more compassionate and not feeling like a win or loose battle.

Yes on making many different variations to a negative remark. I need to get a better feel for how to approach things. I do best by following along.
again thanks!

[cream cheese]

In Nursing I remember having an instructor give us a lecture on assertiveness. She had had the problem herself. She made us stare directly at the people who were attacking us verbally or making our lives a living hell (we were acting out in class) and she taught us one sentence.....
I see you are angry. (some people really fly off the handle with this) but you keep your safe distance and respond calmly, you must understand that its THEY who are upset NOT YOU.
She taught us to defuse the situation first and find a comfort zone that the person reacts positively too or something they can relate to. Most times people will back up but many wont. You can let them just fizzle out and then walk away from you to cool off. As Nurses dealing with irate, hurting, and people that are dealing with intense stress in their lives we must keep empathic to others situations and not get sucked into the void of being emotionally involved in peoples lives. Its very difficult at times to NOT get emotional. Just a little helpful hint.

[Paisleegreen]

That's good, Cream Cheese. That is how I've been relating to my older sister who has many problems. She over reacts to many things and people and adds drama to it. But she has suffered some as well dues to her own choices and some not of her choosing. So just try to listen and not take what she says personally, because she really can't hurt me and she is the one in pain.

You know, it was my husband who first started to teach me to look someone in the eye. I would avoid his when we first started dating. I think I learned that from my parents or at least my Dad and now I notice my younger sister has that difficulty which I have talked to her about. Letting her know she has no reason to have to look away. It is learned from watching my Dad.

It was my work at a Psych Hospital that helped me to listen and look into people's eyes more.
And to not take what they are saying as offensive. It is difficult to not get emotional if certain people have been digging at you constantly at unfounded causes.

[THH]

Cream cheese,
WOW! Such a simple sentence, but so very powerful!
Boy I bet you sure seen your share of anxiety being a nurse! Dealing with everything, you have to be a strong women.

You said that very well in your post, thank you it is a very helpful hint. Actually more.

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

I'm sorry your husband's difficulty has lead you to be depressed.

In one of David D Burns's books he actually said that there are many psychologists/psychiatrists that don't know how to communicate properly, suprisingly. Not really empathizing but more of trying to "fix" just like how you mentioned in your situation. He also mentions how annoying it is for an angry client. The nit picky thing is very annoying and frustrating!

That Dr may have had a point about your father or at least a grain of truth there not to say he didn't feel anything. I know for myself if I thought someone owed me something for a long time and didn't pay up (and yes i do remember you saying you had already paid him) then that resentment would be really big and well for me it wouldn't be about the money but more that I'd feel I was taken advantage of and disrespected. Do you think this is what the dr might have been suggesting?

Holy crap 10,000?!? Thats nuts! I wonder what he was thinking when he did that. Maybe he was trying to run away from some problems.

Its really hard to say about the lymphoma and behavior. All I can really say is unresolved problems get bigger and so do the emotions associated with them. I don't know if that is the case but it is the only thing that comes to mind.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

They were pretty good responses eh? I was pretty proud of them!

I need some more examples of irrational and mean/negative comments and then I can give you more responses.

Thats great because I do best by doing.

Your welcome.


cream cheese;

As a nurse you must see anger alot more frequently than most people. That must get overwhelming at times no?

She taught you just to say I see you are angry and then keep a safe distance and respond calmly and keep in mind that its them being upset and not you?

What do you mean by comfort zone? Like building rapport?

By fizzling out do you mean let them vent and the anger run its course?

I can't even imagine what it would be like to keep yourself from getting sucked in. I don't think I could ever do that myself.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok so I need some more examples of negative situations or just negative comments. We can do single comment responses or we can do another script it is up to you guys!

I need to make an update on the communication model. The older one was from the feeling good book (the yellow one) and this one is from the feeling good handbook. Its slightly diffrent but has more information to it.

The last communication technique model is very useful and that on its own is good. I believe that model is more geared towards general communication issues. This model I'm about to show is from a later book and is an extension of the older model. This new model deals with communication issues and I think its more useful for personal relationship but can be very effective in all communications.

This model is divided into listening skills and self-expression skills

Listening skills
1)Disarming (still the same as the last one)- You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you feel convinced that what they're saying is totally wrong, unreasonable, irrational, or unfair

2)Empathy (this is diffrent and is divided into 2 subcategories)- You put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes.
Thought empathy- You paraphrase the other person's words
Feeling empathy- You acknowledge how they're probably feeling, given what they are saying to you.

3)Inquiry (this is what they called empathy in the older model)- You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.


Self-expression skills
1)"I feel" statements;
You express your feelings with "I feel" statements (such as "I feel upset") rather than with "you" statements (such as "You're wrong!" or "You're making me furious!")

2)Stroking;
You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. This indicates that you respect the other person, even through you may be angry with each other.



I know it looks like alot and may seem very overwhelming and you might be thinking that I can't do it. Like any skill it is not going to come overnight, it takes practice and patience and you can simply work on one of them at a time. Break it down into smaller pieces and work on those. The best one to start off with is disarming. Find something to agree with and do it and see how you feel and let us know.

Ok this was a response someone from my other thread where I was asking for insults had posted.

I don't take you to functions because I am embarrassed to be seen with you

Responses;
1)Disarming: There definately are things I do that are embarassing

2)Inquiry: What about me makes you embarassed to be seen with me?

3)Thought empathy & feeling empathy: It sounds like I do many things that upset you. Perhaps you find some of my behavior embarassing. I know there are many things about me that I feel embarassed with too.

4)I feel: I feel really offended right now. You say you are embarassed to take me to functions and it really hurts me to hear that.

5)Stroking: I do many embarassing things and you don't deserve to have to deal with that.

6)Disarming + Inquiry: There are things I do that are embarassing. What is it about me that makes you embarassed to be seen with me?

7)Thought empathy + feeling empathy + Inquiry: It sounds like I do many things to upset you. Perhaps you find some of my behavior embarassing. What about me do you find embarassing?

8)I feel + Thought empathy + feeling empathy + Inquiry: I feel really offended right now. You say you are embarassed to take me to functions and it really hurts me to hear that. It sounds like I do many things that upset you and perhaps you find some of my behaviors embarassing. What about me embarasses you?

9)I feel + thought empathy + feeling empathy + stroking + Inquiry: I feel really offended right now. You say you are embarassed to take me to functions and it really hurts me to hear that. It sounds like I do many things that upset you and perhaps you find some of my behaviors embarassing. You deserve to be heard out and I want to understand you more. What about me embarasses you?

Thats all I can think of at this moment. Please feel free to post any that you might think of.

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok I'm going to talk more about Communication more in this post. What constitutes as good communication and bad communication. (This is all refrenced from Dr.David D Burns's book "feeling good handbook"

In simplistic terms, good communication means you express your feelings and encourage the other person to do so too and bad communication is not admitting or sharing your feelings and not allowing the other person to share their feelings or not listening to what they have to say. Becoming argumentative and defensive is one sign of bad communication!

Contradicting the other person without understanding his/her feelings projects a subtle message saying "i'm not really interested in what you have to say. I'm only interested in broadcasting my own feelings and insisting that you agree with me."

There are several diffrent categories of bad communication and these are;
1)Truth
-You insist that you are "right" and the other person is "wrong"

2)Blame
-You say that the problem is the other person's fault

3)Martyrdom
-You claim you are an innocent victim

4)Put-down
-You imply that the other person is a loser because he/she "always" or "never" does certain things

5)Hopelessness
-You give up and insist there's no point in trying

6)Demandedness
-You say you're entitled to better treatment but you refuse to ask for what you want in a direct straight-forward way.

7)Denial
-You insist you don't feel angry, sad or hurt when you really do.

8)Passive agression
-You pout or withdraw or say nothing. You may strom out of the room or slam doors

9)Self-blame
-Instead of dealing with the problem, you act as if you're an aweful, terrible person.

10)Helping
-Instead of hearing how depressed, hurt, or angry the other person feels, you try to "solve the problem" or "help" him or her.

11)Sarcasm
-Your words or tone of voice convey tension or hospitality which you aren't openly acknowledging.

12)Scapegoating
-You suggest that the other person has "a problem" and that you're sane, happy and uninvolved in the conflict.

13)Defensiveness
-You refuse to admit any wrong-doing or imperfection

14)Counterattack
-Instead of acknowledging how the other person feels, you respond to their criticism by criticizing them.

15)Diversion
-Instead of dealing with how you both feel in the here-and-now, you list grievances about past injustices.


People are afraid something bad will happen if they state how they feel

If someone really important and that you care for contradicts you and it is really upsetting you can state how you feel and ask for clarification. If its something unimportant and not so bothersome you can disarm or ask for more details if this is something that really upsets them. If it is someone who isn't apart of your life and is just attacking for the sake of it and that you'll never see again then disarming is fine (my comment)

You can give notice to the tone of voice (ie. sharp, cold) if that is upsetting too.

Fear of not saying or doing something because it might hurt another person can lead to built up resentment in yourself and create a situation which is going to cause a tremendous ammount of hurt to the other person later on. (my comment again)

Trying to cheer someone up just by contradicting them may seem helpful but leads to frustration. The other person won't feel listened to or understood and will likely keep complaining. It always creates distance and prevents intimacy.

Most people want to be understood and accepted more than anything else in the world. If she tries to understand and gives up "helping" she'll help him. (the context was a son was really depressed and was talking to her son who said if it wasn't for her he wouldn't want to be alive and she just contradicted him saying he has lots to live for and compliments and stuff).



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

You need to go and have someone teach you how to be a better wife

Responses

1)Disarm: Well i'm certainly not the best wife in the world

2)Inquire: What about me do you feel doesn't make me a good wife?

3)Thought empathy & feeling empathy: It sounds like you aren't satisfied with the relationship. Perhaps I haven't been a good wife to you. You must feel very frustrated and angry with me.

4)I feel: What you are saying upsets me. I feel attacked and misunderstood.

5)Disarming and Inquiry: I'm certainly not the best wife in the world. What about me do you feel makes you feel that i'm not a good wife?

6)Thought empathy + feeling empathy + inquiry: It sounds like you aren't satisfied with the relationship. Perhaps I have done many things to upset you. You must feel very frustrated and dissapointed with me. What about is it about me that upsets you?

7)I feel + Thought empathy + Feeling empathy + Inquiry: What you are saying upsets me. It sounds like you are frustrated with me and that I'm not a good wife to you. Perhaps I've given the impression that I don't listen to or care about you. I know thats how I feel right now. Do you?

8)I feel + Thought empathy + Disarm + Feeling empathy + Inquiry :What you say upsets me. It sounds like you are frustrated with me and that I'm not a good wife to you. Perhaps I've given the impression that i don't listen to or care about you. You certainly don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't like being ignored either and I can understand that you might feel pretty irritated with me. Do you?

9) I feel + Thought empathy + Feeling empathy + I feel + Inquiry: I feel really angry right now. It sounds like you are really frustrated with me and I'm not being a good wife to you. Perhaps I've given the impression that I don't listen to or care about you and you must feel really irratated, I know I feel this way. Do you?



Mike

[creamcheesepuff]

Excellent post Mike.....when events are occurring in our lives it takes a strong person to step back, view the situation as a whole, evaluate yourself and your reaction to it all and try to be an outsider looking in. If the view can be taken by one person that way, I think we would be able to FIX whatever errors, mistakes and misunderstandings we have been making throughout our lives. Unfortunately we must all work at this. Some people may be blessed with ignoring stress, dealing with it effectively and not letting it affect their emotional and physical status. Some are less fortunate. We also must focus on dealing with those that are accelerating/fueling the situation with coming to an compatible and peaceful solution. This is also a major task.
If the person is NOT accepting to change a difficult situation, it is therefore futile. This is the unfortunate side of it all. We just just focus on keeping ourselves sane, strong and separate from those who are non willing to change any bad situation for the better. If we are strong, their weaknesses/shortcomings will not affect us anymore.