What do you do if you hear people saying negative things about you when they think you're out of earshot? Should you confront them?
This situation has happened to me a couple times and I've never known how to deal with it. It happened at school and at one of my work places. If I'd been eaves dropping, then it would obviously be my fault. But when the person is at the other end of the room and you can't help over hearing them, how should you deal with it?
I know people talk about each other about co workers/family/friends/peers etc, doing it in private is one thing, but I think doing it in front of someone is rude. Any advice?
People talking behind your back
-
Christian73
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 2:41 pm
It's funny that you bring this up. I work in an office that is all cubicles. This has been a big change for me, because for the previous seven years I had my own office, as did most of my colleagues. So, in my new office, I frequently hear people "talking about me" on the phone with board members or discussing something we're working on together. At first, this made me really paranoid, but I've gotten to the point where I trust my colleagues not to bad mouth me.
My point is that if people are talking about you in a public place, it's unlikely that they're saying negative things about you. And, even if they are, it's just their opinion and has no bearing on your worth as a person.
Feel better.
My point is that if people are talking about you in a public place, it's unlikely that they're saying negative things about you. And, even if they are, it's just their opinion and has no bearing on your worth as a person.
Feel better.
"You don't have to believe everything you think."
Bumper sticker in my therapist's office
Bumper sticker in my therapist's office
-
Louise2008
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:22 am
Hi Louise--Originally posted by Louise2008:
What do you do if you hear people saying negative things about you when they think you're out of earshot? Should you confront them?
This situation has happened to me a couple times and I've never known how to deal with it. It happened at school and at one of my work places. If I'd been eaves dropping, then it would obviously be my fault. But when the person is at the other end of the room and you can't help over hearing them, how should you deal with it?
I know people talk about each other about co workers/family/friends/peers etc, doing it in private is one thing, but I think doing it in front of someone is rude. Any advice?
I know how you feel, people can be very nasty!! I hear three women talk about me almost every day-- & it can really break down your self-esteem and self confidence.. But, DON'T LET THEM!! Try to think> The reason they are talking about you, is because they are insecure with themselves & have nothing better to do...
Keep your head high, you are anxious so you are sensitive-- you are better than them.. Very important, keep eye-contact with them even if you are at your most vulnerable.. Good Luck LouiseI think it depends on the situation, but in all situations you should place little to no importance on the negative words of others.
I am a manager in an office of cubicles, (ever seen the movie "Office Space"?;)) And have had situations where my employees are badmouthing each other out in the open for everyone to hear. My approach is that if you make the comments out loud in public, you have made them public knowledge and they are fair game. I usually take the person who was talking to a private room and approach it with something like "Is there something about XXX that is bothering you that you'd llike to discuss? I could not help but overhear your comment and would like to help resolve any issue that may be coming up here". If they then tell me there is no issue, I remind them that we are in the workplace and if there is not an issue that warrants airing out for the good of the office, it should not be discussed openly anyway.
Just a suggestion, but especially in the workplace either you have a problem that we can work together on, or it does not belong in the workplace as a topic of discussion!
Tara
I am a manager in an office of cubicles, (ever seen the movie "Office Space"?;)) And have had situations where my employees are badmouthing each other out in the open for everyone to hear. My approach is that if you make the comments out loud in public, you have made them public knowledge and they are fair game. I usually take the person who was talking to a private room and approach it with something like "Is there something about XXX that is bothering you that you'd llike to discuss? I could not help but overhear your comment and would like to help resolve any issue that may be coming up here". If they then tell me there is no issue, I remind them that we are in the workplace and if there is not an issue that warrants airing out for the good of the office, it should not be discussed openly anyway.
Just a suggestion, but especially in the workplace either you have a problem that we can work together on, or it does not belong in the workplace as a topic of discussion!
Tara
"If nothing ever changed...there would be no Butterflies." Author unknown
-
Louise2008
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:22 am
Vickixox:
Thanks for your kind words and support. It's good to get a perspective from someone else who has experienced this (maybe everyone has- but sometimes when you're going through stuff you feel like you're the only one).
This statement has helped soothe me/wind me down a bit. Thanks for for sharing it. Another thing I realized today was, 'just because two people said negative things about me, doesn't mean the whole office/school thinks/thought the same way'. Which is a belief that I've held ever since I can remember. My logic was: "well if they're saying it, then everyone else must be thinking it". Then my thoughts would spiral into thinking 30 odd people hated me....
BTTRFLY:
Thank you for your advice:
This has been very very useful to me . Alot of the time I have problem figuring out when I'm "entitled" to be assertive. I avoid confrontation like the plague, but I know that if I want to get healthy, I have learn to stop avoiding things and start dealing with them. I guess it stems from years of being told "if someone calls you a name just walk away and ignore them". I guess this was ok advice for a five year old in the playground, but now I'm 25 and need a new system! (because I can't get up and walk away from my desk if I'm in the middle of work!) Plus I never really did master the ignoring - just swapped it to internalizing.
Thanks for taking the time to type out what you do in detail too. Knowing just HOW to go about assertively talking to one of these people was something that I had a really hard time figuring out.
Thanks for your kind words and support. It's good to get a perspective from someone else who has experienced this (maybe everyone has- but sometimes when you're going through stuff you feel like you're the only one).
The reason they are talking about you, is because they are insecure with themselves & have nothing better to do
This statement has helped soothe me/wind me down a bit. Thanks for for sharing it. Another thing I realized today was, 'just because two people said negative things about me, doesn't mean the whole office/school thinks/thought the same way'. Which is a belief that I've held ever since I can remember. My logic was: "well if they're saying it, then everyone else must be thinking it". Then my thoughts would spiral into thinking 30 odd people hated me....
BTTRFLY:
Thank you for your advice:
My approach is that if you make the comments out loud in public, you have made them public knowledge and they are fair game.
This has been very very useful to me
. Alot of the time I have problem figuring out when I'm "entitled" to be assertive. I avoid confrontation like the plague, but I know that if I want to get healthy, I have learn to stop avoiding things and start dealing with them. I guess it stems from years of being told "if someone calls you a name just walk away and ignore them". I guess this was ok advice for a five year old in the playground, but now I'm 25 and need a new system! (because I can't get up and walk away from my desk if I'm in the middle of work!) Plus I never really did master the ignoring - just swapped it to internalizing. Thanks for taking the time to type out what you do in detail too. Knowing just HOW to go about assertively talking to one of these people was something that I had a really hard time figuring out.
You're right when you say that "just because one person makes a negative statement about me, doesn't mean everybody in the office agrees with it." I take people's comments too personally, like you. But I've also found that even if no one else agrees with the attack on me, they will not disagree with the speaker for fear of being their next "target". I am surrounded at work by what I call "low integrity" people. I can always count on them to do the easy thing rather than the right thing.
I have practiced being assertive - it was scary, but I did it. I kept my voice low and even, managed to keep from getting defensive, made a brief statement, and then moved on. Once I did it, I didn't even CARE what the others were thinking!! I was so elated that I did it! It's your opinion about yourself that matters most. Don't base your opinion on the thoughts of low integrity people. You are working on improving yourself. That takes work, courage, diligence and humility. Your co-workers don't have these qualities. If they did, they would be working on themselves instead of putting down others. Chin up. Press on.
I have practiced being assertive - it was scary, but I did it. I kept my voice low and even, managed to keep from getting defensive, made a brief statement, and then moved on. Once I did it, I didn't even CARE what the others were thinking!! I was so elated that I did it! It's your opinion about yourself that matters most. Don't base your opinion on the thoughts of low integrity people. You are working on improving yourself. That takes work, courage, diligence and humility. Your co-workers don't have these qualities. If they did, they would be working on themselves instead of putting down others. Chin up. Press on.
Great post A/P PRO.
By the way, I'm going through something where I know someone who I kissed out of work and pretty much spilled my guts to is talking behind my back. The next day, people were all looking at me differently and smirking and, well, you know the drill.
Anyway, it's been extremely difficult on me and has crushed my self esteem into this little flat spot on the dirty floor. Things have seemed to get very cruel for me around here, but I'm still here.
When trying to talk to the girl who I kissed to practice being assertive, she won't even talk to me, and she'd probably take whatever I said and blab it around the office anyway. It's very discouraging.
AP PRO's post is awesome though.
Anyway, you're not alone. People are sometimes peices of dirt. It's just how it is at times.
By the way, I'm going through something where I know someone who I kissed out of work and pretty much spilled my guts to is talking behind my back. The next day, people were all looking at me differently and smirking and, well, you know the drill.
Anyway, it's been extremely difficult on me and has crushed my self esteem into this little flat spot on the dirty floor. Things have seemed to get very cruel for me around here, but I'm still here.
When trying to talk to the girl who I kissed to practice being assertive, she won't even talk to me, and she'd probably take whatever I said and blab it around the office anyway. It's very discouraging.
AP PRO's post is awesome though.
Anyway, you're not alone. People are sometimes peices of dirt. It's just how it is at times.
-
Louise2008
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:22 am
Thanks for your responses A/P PRO & Southbend. Sorry you're going through all that crap at work Southbend *virtual hugs*. The girl sounds fairly immature/insecure.
You make really good points A/P
As I continue along the program I'm understanding more and more that it's what I think of myself that should carry the most psychological weight. The theory I get perfectly, putting it to practice a lil harder for me. But I am certainly getting better at it.
I'm officially on week 6 of the program, but I skipped around a little on tapes *smacks hand* because the whole gossiping issue has crushed myself esteem before. And I thought there might be some magical trick to dealing with it. But what I'm slowly getting is this: 'when I'm emotionally healthy I just won't care what other people think'. I mean I KNOW people like this- they're really nice people too-that honestly don't care. There was this eccentric guy that sat across from me at work and used tell everyone the most cringeworthy things about himself and was completely comfortable doing so. I REALLY want to be that comfortable in my own skin....hoping one day I will be. I guess the people who's opinion is worth caring about won't give negative gossip much weight anyway.
You make really good points A/P
As I continue along the program I'm understanding more and more that it's what I think of myself that should carry the most psychological weight. The theory I get perfectly, putting it to practice a lil harder for me. But I am certainly getting better at it.
I'm officially on week 6 of the program, but I skipped around a little on tapes *smacks hand* because the whole gossiping issue has crushed myself esteem before. And I thought there might be some magical trick to dealing with it. But what I'm slowly getting is this: 'when I'm emotionally healthy I just won't care what other people think'. I mean I KNOW people like this- they're really nice people too-that honestly don't care. There was this eccentric guy that sat across from me at work and used tell everyone the most cringeworthy things about himself and was completely comfortable doing so. I REALLY want to be that comfortable in my own skin....hoping one day I will be. I guess the people who's opinion is worth caring about won't give negative gossip much weight anyway.
Yeah, I sure sounded like I had it all together, didn't I. Problem is, I still have the fear and discouragement and will have to work on this a LONG time. It's a deep seated problem for me. What I appreciate about this forum is that I can see it's not an isolated situation. I sometimes feel like such a victim, but obviously a lot of you folks are going through the same or worse. I will continue to practice, because it does feel good to stand up for myself, even if I don't change anybody's mind about me or the gossip. Thank you all for posting.