Stress Center Peer Support

I was told by a very special man in my life, several years ago, that I was high-maintenance. My understanding, at the time, was that a high-maintenance gal was one who wanted to spend money on a lot of expensive clothes, dinners out, niceties for herself and the like. Today, I was told, once again, by another male friend, that I am being high-maintenance. So, since I am not one to want expensive things or demand niceties for myself, I looked up the definition of high-maintenance on the internet. Askmen.com states that it is a gal who wants a lot of affection, nice things for herself and others that are with her, compliments, control and are demanding of others. Now I don't consider myself a demanding person. I have had "control issues" in the past, but thought I had improved away from that. I'm a little mixed up. I thought it was okay to say what I wanted or expected in a relationship as long as the other person had their say as well. I don't want to control anybody or a relationship with another person. Right now I'm ready to crawl in a hole and not talk to anybody about anything. I know that this is wrong and won't help the situation. Does anybody have any thoughts or suggestions? Has anyone else been through something like this? Help, please?

The only problem you have is giving these comments too much importance! There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and being able/confident enough to express it!! You will have the things you want for your life because you are not afraid to be clear about it. Anyone who is threatened or too insecure to handle you acting like an adult, is not man enough for you. Be proud of who you are...

Being confident, having a backbone, and clear about what you want in life is AWESOME and a positive character trait, not a negative one!

drg, maybe "high maintenance" has a different defination to these two men? Do you know everything about their past (experience with women, or upbringing, or hanging out with other guy's feeding them with miss information)? Maybe if you're anxious it feels like "high maintenance" to these two men? So what. Be yourself cuz most men want a woman who doesn't play the game, one who is vocal and states what she wants/needs. Out of 1-2 million men, wouldn't you get hundreds of thousands of men who think just the opposite of these two? tc

Thank you, both, for your responses. I want to be assertive, not aggressive. I was in an abusive relationship for 18 years, so I have had to learn how to stand up for myself. I just don't want to overdo it and scare people away. It's a weird situation. My Psychologist said that I have a problem with understanding men, so that's something we're working on. Take care everybody.

David...that's a good point to consider!

Drg, you think you will actually be able to understand men? Just kidding. I know they sometimes feel/think the same way about us. I am glad to hear you got out of an abusive relationship and are a much stronger person for it! You should have much respect for yourself, it is obvious you are making tons of progress. Hang in there...with each day you have more and more strength and wisdom. Have fun on the journey.

One other point...you are right about being assertive and not aggressive. Sometimes it is a fine line. I know it is even more difficult when you are very passive and let people walk all over you, and then make that transition. It tends to make you go the extreme in the opposite direction.

The key point is that you CARE to do things right and be a loving, balanced person. With that being case, the more you walk through and learn, the more clarity you will get and you will settle somewhere between both extremes...which is a pretty healthy place to be!

FrancesL. Thank you for the smile (about understanding men). Nice start to the day. I appreciate your words. That is my goal--to be not passive and not aggressive. I would like to have friends and be a friend back. It is not my goal in life to be a burden to anyone or cause trouble. A lot of times that's what I get from my best friend is that I cause him trouble. By the way, I forgot to mention this in my earlier post: You're right about putting too much importance on the statement of being high-maintenance. There's a lot going on in my life right now (see my post "empty nest and more" under the Growth Spurt section) and I'm trying to pick up on things that need to be changed or corrected about myself.
Thanks for the positive point of view.

David. Now that I'm a little more awake, I wanted to respond a second time to your post. As for the two friends' backgrounds: age about the same, both Catholic, otherwise not much in common. As for my anxiety being the cause of being considered high-maintenance: great thought! Hadn't even thought about it that way. You named off several good things to think about. Things for me to think about (in a positive way) and work on. Thanks!