Stress Center Peer Support

I just complete the program this weekend - yea for me!

As some of you my recall I live with my fiance. He is a musician and we moved to Las Vegas so he could pursue a career in music. While he is making progress, he's not making money yet. He has also not yet found alternative employement so I'm the 'provider'.

I have very recently decided to start gaining back some self-respect by no longer allow the money I earn to be spent by my fiance on frivolous things (he's a sucker for the 'small' convenience store purchases...but they add up fast) and by no longer allowing him to drive my car since he is not covered by my insurance and we can't afford to add him.

I was letting these things happen because I really don't like it when he is upset with me..even for a little bit. Last night as I lay awake at 3 AM I realized a couple things. By allowing these bad habits to continue I am encouraging a bad co-dependency (his dependence on me for money and my dependence on him for approval). I am also slowing losing respect for myself.

So, before I left for work this morning I wrote him a note (I was afraid if I waiting until this evening I would chicken out). I explained that in order for me to start rebuilding my sense of self worth some things needed to change. I explained that it is very important to me to repay my savings account, pay down my debt, and start investing in my IRA again. I explained that in order to do this, it would mean no more unneccessary purchases for things like soda and beer at the gas station. I also said that until he can afford to buy insurance, he can no longer drive my car. I explained these changes aren't because of him or for him, but for me. I'm confident that he will be supportive.

However, I know that bad habits die hard. I want to prepare for those times when he will want something and I will have to say "no" ... how do I prepare myself for this? How will I handle it if he pouts (as unsavory as it is, we all know how to push the buttoms of the ones we love to get what we want)? I want to know how to stay strong and hold to my convictions. I just need some advice for the situations I know will arise in which it will seem easier to make an exception (like when he has a late meeting and I have to wake up early for work). Has anyone else to deal with anything like this? Saying no to a spouse? How do I do this without coming across as a parent? How do you do this and remain equals??

Any suggestions are appreciated.

You may not like my opinion.
I say let this poacher go.
You shouldn't have had to write such a note to him.
You are better off by yourself for a time.
A 'man' that would pout to get his way for free handouts, ...... Hey, who needs that????

Sorry I can't be supportive of this character.
Wishing the best for you.
MJ

Can you have a therapist support you, or hold you accountable? What you did was very brave, and hopefully he respects your boundaries. I'm not sure what else to say - only that you seem to have strong head on your shoulders and use your intuition.

My first reaction was to shake my head and think about how you are being taken for a ride.
Of course, that is what it looks like from a distance.

Sometimes we have to ask ourselves some tough questions and do a reality check. Questions might include;
Where are we going with our relationship?
When will he start making efforts to help financially? (Efforts should include NOT buying convenience store items or getting a part time job...something that helps pay the bills!)
Is there a time period in which he might realize that his career might have to change and is he prepare to do something else?


These are tough questions. I think you are moving in the right direction but having a face to face is the only way.

There are many different ways to say "No". You could set a budget, or simply "Approve" any and all expenditures; but this, in my opinion, puts all the stress on you.

I think the key to this situation is getting your fiance to take responsibility and be mindful of the situation.

Good luck

Thanks everyone for your input.

I had a chance during my lunch break to talk to my fiance and he's on board which my decisions. He's been COMPLETELY supportive of me doing this program and understands where this is coming from.

I hate that he sounds like such a schmuck to some of you. I mean, he may not be price charming but he's no eddie haskle either. He's not looking for employement with as much gusto as I hope he would, but he's not exactly sitting at home eating bon bons. He takes care of all the cleaning, laundry and cooking.

And please don't pretend that he is the only person who gets upset when the status quo changes, even if it is for the better. We ALL do it, whether we intend to or not. He is no vilan, we are BOTH stuck in some bad habits. Now I have decided to make some changes to my bad habits. And like Lucinda points out, when we start to change, even for the better, our loved ones can be resistant. They will learn that the same old 'tricks' no longer work on us the same way, so they either have to adapt to keep the relationship going, or the relationship must end.

I am CERTAIN that my fiance will adapt, but I know this will take time and it will take me sticking to my guns. My question is how to get through the growth spurt with as much grace and resolve as possible. Does anyone have any tricks or tips on how to resist falling back into unhealthy habits when there is a relationship involved?

Fiona, I think it's a good idea to have someone to keep me accountable. In fact, I have already told a good friend about the situation and I know she will remind me to stay true to myself.

Rob, my fiance used to be a welder for a company that did government contracts. While I know he doesn't WANT to go back to that line of work, he will and has applied to the few ads out there looking for employees. He isn't certified or part of a union though, which is a problem out here. He occasionally has one day jobs in which he will help someone move, put up dry wall, paint or whatever. It has just been hard finding something consistent. Oh, and I really appreciate that you were able to look past your first reaction and to give me some questions to think about and advice to consider.

Thank you.