Hi,
I have always been an anxious person, never learned to be assertive or that my opinion counts, or how to stand for myself. It was always easy for people to make me feel like crap and convince me I´m a "bad girl" if I don´t do what they want. Being rejected or attacked verbally was hell for me and I was suffering, unable to defend myself.
However, I have to work together with a woman of my age, who is not my boss but some kind of super visor. She has done my job before she got promoted and introduced me inot the work I´m doing now.
She doesn´t like me and ignores me totally, hardly speaks to me, only if it´s about the job. Then she treats me like a doormat, has no respect. Never says "please" or "thank you". Mostly she tells me things I have done wrong, in a way like I was a stupid child, but very often I find out later that I didn´t even make a mistake! or it wasn´t worth to mention or someone elses mistake.
I have always been nice, friendly and helfpul. When she´s offending me, I get half a panic attack and can hardly react, let alone be ASSERTIVE!
I tried to tell her several times that her way of treating me depresses me, we even had a talk with a lady from the personnel staff; but she just shrugs her shoulders, thinking she is nice to me because she doesn´t YELL at me, I think.
She´s gotten used to me being defensive, and when she´s under stress, she treats me poorly and transfers her tension on me, puts me under pressure.
Obviously it´s her satisfaction to treat me like that. (When everything is going well, it´s understood, of course)
Meanwhile I have developed some kind of burn-out because I am going to be divorced and the situation at my job makes me sick. I can´t stay calm, even if there are days when NOTHING happens, I´m under such a tension, I get panic and disgust when she enters my office room, and when I return home I have to fight the symptoms of too much stress hormones for the rest of the day. Anxites, depression, depersonalization, fear of losing control...
What a life is this?
What can I do to get normal, healthy attitude? How can I learn to be assertive to her? I feel so sick and tired of it all, my nerves are oversentizised, anyway. (I can´t change the job, and I don´t have Lucindas program because I live in Germany and can´t afford it, anyway)
Thanks for some replies!!!
Susanne
My coworker makes me sick!
GardenFairy,
I am reminded of the phrase kill people with kindness but in this case I do not think it will work. This lady knows you are not assertive and is taking pleasure on being mean and using you as a doormat. She has an ego problem too because of her promotion. You have a lot of work to do on gaining your self esteem and finding your inner voice. I used to have low self esteem but am much better and can tell a person off even though I may have anxiety doing it sometimes. I would feel worse if I sit and do nothing. In this case you may have to give her a taste of her own medicine. If she does not say Thank you for something you've done say your welcome sarcastically and if she says something tell her you could have said thank you. Question her judgement. When she tells you you have done something wrong tell her to explain it to you or show you in a manual where it is documented that you have done wrong. If it was not your fault put the document on her desk and tell her to take another look or you can document everything and go back to personnel and be ready to face the HR director and tell her how you are feeling at work and to either transfer you to another dept. or whatever you would like done.Talking to your supervisor is a waste of time, it just adds fuel to the fire especially when you tell her how she treats you is depressing you, it is all a joke to her. I know this may seem harsh but it is the workplace and how some people are. You are worth fighting for so start sticking up for yourself! You may be scared and/or anxious as you do it but when the lady realizes you are serious and she may make comments about you sticking up for yourself too so look out for that but tell her that she can make the work place less stressful for all or she can make it a living hell, it is her choice because you are not going to take her disrespect any longer! You have other things to worry about in your personal life than walking on eggshells to salve someone's ego.
Good luck. You ARE worth fighting for, you ARE a good person and you CAN do this!!
I am reminded of the phrase kill people with kindness but in this case I do not think it will work. This lady knows you are not assertive and is taking pleasure on being mean and using you as a doormat. She has an ego problem too because of her promotion. You have a lot of work to do on gaining your self esteem and finding your inner voice. I used to have low self esteem but am much better and can tell a person off even though I may have anxiety doing it sometimes. I would feel worse if I sit and do nothing. In this case you may have to give her a taste of her own medicine. If she does not say Thank you for something you've done say your welcome sarcastically and if she says something tell her you could have said thank you. Question her judgement. When she tells you you have done something wrong tell her to explain it to you or show you in a manual where it is documented that you have done wrong. If it was not your fault put the document on her desk and tell her to take another look or you can document everything and go back to personnel and be ready to face the HR director and tell her how you are feeling at work and to either transfer you to another dept. or whatever you would like done.Talking to your supervisor is a waste of time, it just adds fuel to the fire especially when you tell her how she treats you is depressing you, it is all a joke to her. I know this may seem harsh but it is the workplace and how some people are. You are worth fighting for so start sticking up for yourself! You may be scared and/or anxious as you do it but when the lady realizes you are serious and she may make comments about you sticking up for yourself too so look out for that but tell her that she can make the work place less stressful for all or she can make it a living hell, it is her choice because you are not going to take her disrespect any longer! You have other things to worry about in your personal life than walking on eggshells to salve someone's ego.
Good luck. You ARE worth fighting for, you ARE a good person and you CAN do this!!
-
GardenFairy
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2007 5:04 am
Hi Kumiko,
thank you very much for your comment!
I have been working with her for two years now, and I have always been suffering, but my personal situation was more stable. Meanwhile I am so exhausted and my nerves are so oversensitized that I think I can´t stay there for another day.
Today when I left the office, I had an appointment with my therapist (but I don´t see her often as my health insurance just pays for a few sittings)
I told her about my situation and I was crying all of the time!! She asked me why I don´t stay at home for a certain time and get a sickness cetificate from my doctor, but I have never done that before without being physically ill!otr
I can´t fight with my collegue, and I don´t want to. I should have started earlier to "show my teeth", as we say here, now I´m on the edge of a breakdown. It started when I had to do her work for 3 weeks while she was on vacation. As I´m only working part-time, I could hardly accomplish the job, and I was driven by panic of making mistakes ect. Since then, I´m a nervous wreck. My collegue doesn´t know that, and it was understood that I did a good job during the 3 weeks.
Tomorrow I´ll go to the lady from the personnel staff and tell her to put me somewhere else, if possible.
I´m working in an government authority, so I won´t lose my job, but there are only little chances to find something else for me. The reason why I havent´t tried earlier to get another working place is that I LIKE my job, and after 2 years I´m finally know my stuff...! I dont think I have the power to learn a new job, again... it´s only about this person, and she will stay there.
Okay, I´ll tell how it all turned out.
Thank you!
(isn´t Kumiko Japanese?)
thank you very much for your comment!
I have been working with her for two years now, and I have always been suffering, but my personal situation was more stable. Meanwhile I am so exhausted and my nerves are so oversensitized that I think I can´t stay there for another day.
Today when I left the office, I had an appointment with my therapist (but I don´t see her often as my health insurance just pays for a few sittings)
I told her about my situation and I was crying all of the time!! She asked me why I don´t stay at home for a certain time and get a sickness cetificate from my doctor, but I have never done that before without being physically ill!otr
I can´t fight with my collegue, and I don´t want to. I should have started earlier to "show my teeth", as we say here, now I´m on the edge of a breakdown. It started when I had to do her work for 3 weeks while she was on vacation. As I´m only working part-time, I could hardly accomplish the job, and I was driven by panic of making mistakes ect. Since then, I´m a nervous wreck. My collegue doesn´t know that, and it was understood that I did a good job during the 3 weeks.
Tomorrow I´ll go to the lady from the personnel staff and tell her to put me somewhere else, if possible.
I´m working in an government authority, so I won´t lose my job, but there are only little chances to find something else for me. The reason why I havent´t tried earlier to get another working place is that I LIKE my job, and after 2 years I´m finally know my stuff...! I dont think I have the power to learn a new job, again... it´s only about this person, and she will stay there.
Okay, I´ll tell how it all turned out.
Thank you!
(isn´t Kumiko Japanese?)
I hope things go well at personnel tomorrow and she can find you a job similar to what you are doing. Just weigh your options because it would be too bad to leave a job that you know and like because of 1 evil hearted person. I'll say a prayer for you and hope things go positive for you.
Your personal life could be a major factor that is affecting your job and everything else. It is tough to go through a divorce and it is normal for it to affect you in every way. Take care of yourself and take time out for you whether it is a massage, pedicure or eyebrow waxing.....whatever but don't lose yourself. Take a walk but do something to release the tension and pamper yourself along the way.
Kumiko is Japanese and I was trying to come up with a special name for my niece that she and I could share. Why I chose a Japanese name I don't know but I liked it.
Let me know how things turn out. Be strong
and see....It turned out you did fine while you were doing her job when she was on vacation. Dont let her hear about that she mey try to be nice. LOL!
~Lisa
Your personal life could be a major factor that is affecting your job and everything else. It is tough to go through a divorce and it is normal for it to affect you in every way. Take care of yourself and take time out for you whether it is a massage, pedicure or eyebrow waxing.....whatever but don't lose yourself. Take a walk but do something to release the tension and pamper yourself along the way.
Kumiko is Japanese and I was trying to come up with a special name for my niece that she and I could share. Why I chose a Japanese name I don't know but I liked it.
Let me know how things turn out. Be strong
and see....It turned out you did fine while you were doing her job when she was on vacation. Dont let her hear about that she mey try to be nice. LOL! ~Lisa
-
GardenFairy
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2007 5:04 am
Hi Lisa,
I´m in the office now (9 hours time difference to USA, I think), and learned this morning that the personnel lady only works from Wednesday to Friday, so I will have to wait.
By the way, I didn´t involve our boss yet because he gets along very well with my collegue (of course she only treats ME poorly! She can be nice, but she is NEVER EVER nice to me...)
However, I hope I will hang in here until I can speak to the personnel lady.
I still have this option of staying at home, if neccessary,and as I have hardly been ill during the last years, I don´t need to have a bad conscience.
Yes, I like my job, but I have to work with this person, and she will not leave. I know that because our boss will change the job and wanted to take her with him, but she refused. Deep inside she´s very insecure and frightens a change that would put her into the postion of "being new" at another place, you know. I can see her through, but she´s in the better postion, however,and because of her insecurity, she needs to put me down regularly.
Yesterday I talked to my daughter about the whole thing, she´s almost 13. I could no longer hide my condition from her, and I think it´s better to explain than to put myself togehter 24/7 and THEN yell at her because I´m on the end of my rope. She´s worth of all my attention and love, and she´s suffering enough because she misses her dad (which isn´t my fault).
I told her I don´t want to appear weak to her because she deserves a strong woman as role model. I hated the thought of m little girl watching me turn into a nervous wreck because I´m unable to stand up to my collegue, you know.
I have never learned to be assertive, and I want her to learn that as early as possible. But I have to watch my limitations, and I could explain that to her.
When I was her age, my Mum also had a panic disorder. She worked as a secretary and stayed at home because of the pressure at work. And I didn´t understand because nobody explained anything to me, I just saw my Mum as a victim, it scared me and I started to feel responsible for her. All of my life. One of the roots of my own anxiety disorder, feeling responsible and being unable to change the situation. Haha.
So, although I´m not superwoman, I want my daughter to UNDERSTAND that at least I try to change the situation and I try to get help, and that´s what I ´m going to do.
I´ll tell how things turned out. Thank you for your support!
Thank God it´s Friday!
God bless you, Susanne
I´m in the office now (9 hours time difference to USA, I think), and learned this morning that the personnel lady only works from Wednesday to Friday, so I will have to wait.
By the way, I didn´t involve our boss yet because he gets along very well with my collegue (of course she only treats ME poorly! She can be nice, but she is NEVER EVER nice to me...)
However, I hope I will hang in here until I can speak to the personnel lady.
I still have this option of staying at home, if neccessary,and as I have hardly been ill during the last years, I don´t need to have a bad conscience.
Yes, I like my job, but I have to work with this person, and she will not leave. I know that because our boss will change the job and wanted to take her with him, but she refused. Deep inside she´s very insecure and frightens a change that would put her into the postion of "being new" at another place, you know. I can see her through, but she´s in the better postion, however,and because of her insecurity, she needs to put me down regularly.
Yesterday I talked to my daughter about the whole thing, she´s almost 13. I could no longer hide my condition from her, and I think it´s better to explain than to put myself togehter 24/7 and THEN yell at her because I´m on the end of my rope. She´s worth of all my attention and love, and she´s suffering enough because she misses her dad (which isn´t my fault).
I told her I don´t want to appear weak to her because she deserves a strong woman as role model. I hated the thought of m little girl watching me turn into a nervous wreck because I´m unable to stand up to my collegue, you know.
I have never learned to be assertive, and I want her to learn that as early as possible. But I have to watch my limitations, and I could explain that to her.
When I was her age, my Mum also had a panic disorder. She worked as a secretary and stayed at home because of the pressure at work. And I didn´t understand because nobody explained anything to me, I just saw my Mum as a victim, it scared me and I started to feel responsible for her. All of my life. One of the roots of my own anxiety disorder, feeling responsible and being unable to change the situation. Haha.
So, although I´m not superwoman, I want my daughter to UNDERSTAND that at least I try to change the situation and I try to get help, and that´s what I ´m going to do.
I´ll tell how things turned out. Thank you for your support!
Thank God it´s Friday!
God bless you, Susanne
-
GardenFairy
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2007 5:04 am
Hi,
to complete the story: I had my appointment with the personnell lady yesterday, and although she understood and really wanted to help me, she didn´t have an quick solution. I wasn´t surprised to hear that.
There were only two options, but they wouldn´t work. One is changing jobs with another collegue, but "unfortunaltely" she´s my friend and knows the whole story about my problems! she is also a sensitive personn and wouldn´t want to take my job...
The other option is a job that´s extremely stressful, would be in the same department (so I would still see my "enemy" ever day) and I know the boss is terrible person. Several other collegues have treid and quit there, already, too.
I hope that God will help me and make the impossible possible.... thanks for listening!
Susanne
to complete the story: I had my appointment with the personnell lady yesterday, and although she understood and really wanted to help me, she didn´t have an quick solution. I wasn´t surprised to hear that.
There were only two options, but they wouldn´t work. One is changing jobs with another collegue, but "unfortunaltely" she´s my friend and knows the whole story about my problems! she is also a sensitive personn and wouldn´t want to take my job...
The other option is a job that´s extremely stressful, would be in the same department (so I would still see my "enemy" ever day) and I know the boss is terrible person. Several other collegues have treid and quit there, already, too.
I hope that God will help me and make the impossible possible.... thanks for listening!
Susanne
-
Guest
Dear Susanne:
Several years ago, in late 70's, I went to AA
(alcoholics anonymous) meetings. I still have the BIG BOOK of AA.
What I heard (and learned ) in those meetings and read about in that Big Book of AA was a remedy for dealing with people we resent or who resent us.
For instance, take that co-worker of yours, they would say for you to pray for her steadily for 21 days. And your situation will improve.
Do not just pray that God bless your co-worker.
But pray that God would grant her all the things that you would like for yourself. At first you won't mean it. But keep praying for good things for her. Every day. At first you
will not like praying so sincerely for her. But before the 21 days over, you will mean it.
You will find that your fear and resentment of this situation have diminished greatly.
Since you have no workable solution, you have nothing to lose in trying this experiement.
I have heard hundreds of old timers in AA say that this truly works.
God bless you.
Have a better day!!
MaryJane
Several years ago, in late 70's, I went to AA
(alcoholics anonymous) meetings. I still have the BIG BOOK of AA.
What I heard (and learned ) in those meetings and read about in that Big Book of AA was a remedy for dealing with people we resent or who resent us.
For instance, take that co-worker of yours, they would say for you to pray for her steadily for 21 days. And your situation will improve.
Do not just pray that God bless your co-worker.
But pray that God would grant her all the things that you would like for yourself. At first you won't mean it. But keep praying for good things for her. Every day. At first you
will not like praying so sincerely for her. But before the 21 days over, you will mean it.
You will find that your fear and resentment of this situation have diminished greatly.
Since you have no workable solution, you have nothing to lose in trying this experiement.
I have heard hundreds of old timers in AA say that this truly works.
God bless you.
Have a better day!!
MaryJane
Hey Susanne,
I am sorry things did not work out for you. I can imagine how frustrating this can be for you and you are strong for staying!! I agree with Cornflower in that you should try the prayer for 21 days. God gave you this job and is giving you the endurance to withstand that person and he does things for a reason although unbeknownst to us. Prayer works and we may not get what we want immediatly but he will answer your prayers when it is right! You gotta have faith and let us know how it goes in 21 days.
I am sorry things did not work out for you. I can imagine how frustrating this can be for you and you are strong for staying!! I agree with Cornflower in that you should try the prayer for 21 days. God gave you this job and is giving you the endurance to withstand that person and he does things for a reason although unbeknownst to us. Prayer works and we may not get what we want immediatly but he will answer your prayers when it is right! You gotta have faith and let us know how it goes in 21 days.
-
GardenFairy
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2007 5:04 am
Hi!
Thank you so much for your encouraging postings!
Want to tell you that a miracle has happened:
The lady from the personnel office has talked to my friend in the office and aksed her if she would like to change jobs with me. To our surprise she said - yes! Although she knows how difficult it was for me to get along with my co-worker, that doesn´t scare her. She has done her job for 5 years now and longs for a change. My current job is quite interesting, and I´m sure she will like it. I really hope she will get along better with the "dragon" than I did! However, I can pray for her. She is 15 years younger than me, so she has better nerves than me, but she also is a sensitive person...
My new job is much more simple, but I´ll get the same payment. It´s some kind of file management, documents grouped in folders and keeping computer lists that have to be updated. No real intellectual challenge, but I had enough challenges for my nervous system during the last months. All I want is to have my peace of mind back...
Eventually I really hated to go to work, always afraid of making mistakes, always afraid of sarcastic comments, never any kind of acknowledgement...it started to make me sick, and I thank God that he heard my prayers and helped me.
Another thing I´m thankful for: the personnel boss has talked to my boss already, so I didn´t have to discuss that with him, didn´t have to defend myself for my decision. It´s okay with him, as long as the work gets done....
God bless you all!
Susanne
Thank you so much for your encouraging postings!
Want to tell you that a miracle has happened:
The lady from the personnel office has talked to my friend in the office and aksed her if she would like to change jobs with me. To our surprise she said - yes! Although she knows how difficult it was for me to get along with my co-worker, that doesn´t scare her. She has done her job for 5 years now and longs for a change. My current job is quite interesting, and I´m sure she will like it. I really hope she will get along better with the "dragon" than I did! However, I can pray for her. She is 15 years younger than me, so she has better nerves than me, but she also is a sensitive person...
My new job is much more simple, but I´ll get the same payment. It´s some kind of file management, documents grouped in folders and keeping computer lists that have to be updated. No real intellectual challenge, but I had enough challenges for my nervous system during the last months. All I want is to have my peace of mind back...
Eventually I really hated to go to work, always afraid of making mistakes, always afraid of sarcastic comments, never any kind of acknowledgement...it started to make me sick, and I thank God that he heard my prayers and helped me.
Another thing I´m thankful for: the personnel boss has talked to my boss already, so I didn´t have to discuss that with him, didn´t have to defend myself for my decision. It´s okay with him, as long as the work gets done....
God bless you all!
Susanne
-
Guest