Stress Center Peer Support

Lately as I've been trying to "think less and do more," I've realized that there is one particular person that causes me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure how to tackle the issue.

Not only do I live with this person in a house of 5, but she is also one of my best friends, if not my best. But I'm confused and think that maybe it's not such a good relationship after all. I find myself constantly looking for approval, looking to see if she is angry/sad/whatever. She is always putting me down. For instance, I started a blog last spring to write about various thoughts I was having and she said, "Why do you you need a blog?," like I wasn't worthy to write my feelings. Another simple example is one time when I wore my hair differently she said "Were you dusting with that hair?" I told her no, I was just doing something new...trying to stand up for myself as I am getting sick of her always putting me down. Also, she's always the comedian and often she will say things to put me down in front of a group to get a laugh. She doesn't know how to start a conversation with me so she will come home and either poke me in the head, punch me or do something obnoxious thinking it's funny. No matter how many different ways/times I say that I don't want her to do that, she never takes me seriously. Lastly, she will randomly be mean to me when she is having a bad day and for days she will be mean to me, but not to anyone else. I have talked to her about this before and always forgive her, but it seems like it never really goes away. If she acts the same way towards my other roommates, they just ignore her and it dissolves, but I worry and feed her attention. Ultimately I feel worse and she knows that so she takes advantage of that.

I know that I am not perfect, but I feel like when she needs someone, I am always here to give her advise...and I like helping people, but sincere feelings can't be turned on and off as she does towards me.

She is not the only one to take advantage of me because I am always trying to please people. In the end I only end up being stressed out and consumed with what other people think of me and not what I think of me. I want to focus more on what I want without feeling guilty. I don't know what to say or how to say things assertively especially to her because I always think that she is going to get mad because she has anger issues.

This is such a big issue for me and I don't know where to begin. I'm sick of always questioning if she's mad at me and avoiding her. I don't know if I have the courage to face her.

Sounds like you answered your own question. I think you can do much better as a friend. I highly recommend the book "Approval Addiction" by Joyce Meyer. So often because we are people pleasers, we end up with the wrong kind of relationships. God bless you in seeking new and better ones. YOU CAN DO BETTER!!

Trust me this will change as you get older! I've had to re-evaluate my friendships more and more and the older I get the less "accommodating" I am with so called friends.

This is not your best friend.

As you stated, friends are there for each other. So you DO know what a friend is, and she doesn't sound like one.

You can stop telling her to "stop" - just ignore her and go about your business, there is no need to have heart-to-hearts or conversations about the way you feel, simply don't engage with her, better yet, find some REAL friends who treat you with respect.

You may have issues with taking her crap, but it sounds like she's the real one with issues here.

Find some new friends, you are young now and have so much ahead of you, you don't realize. You'll be making so many new friends with each change in your life.

Don't feel guilty about it in the least, she's not your best friend, she's a pain and taking advantage of you.

Don't share your personal life with her, such as you having a blog or anything so personal that she can judge or make fun of you. Just don't engage with her. It's not necessary.

I was once told that people in the USA are so much more open than in other countries, they are very forward and like an open book. In other countries, they are slower to make friends, they don't "tell all" right away. I think that may have a lot to do with why it is so easy to make and break friendships. Too much information!

So keep your head high, and don't feel guilty about anything. You owe her nothing. Go about your day and way with your head held high!

Thank you for your responses. I guess you both have confirmed my beliefs. I have not been paying nearly as much attention to her and am making the initiative to tell her if something she does is irritating me. I am trying to focus on things I want to do. It's still hard, but I feel like with this knowledge, I have some new found freedom/peace within. Thanks again.

If you have the means, might it be time to move?

You don't have to say why, just that you found another situation that suits you better.