The Challenge...Lesson 7

[NinjaFrodo]

1)Empathy 2)Disarm the critic 3)Feedback-Negotiation

Feedback-Negotiation

After listneing to critic (empathy method), and finding a way to agree with him/her (disarming method), you can then be in a position to explain your position and emotions tactfully and assertively, and to negotiate any real diffrences.

Lets assume the critic is just plain wrong. How do you express this in a non-destructive manner? Simple, express your point of view objectively with an acknowledgement that you might be wrong. Mak the conflict one based on facts rather than personality or pride.

Avoid destructive labels. His/her error doesn't make him/her stupid, worthless or inferior.

Ie;A patient claimed that I sent her a bill for a session for which she had already paid. She assulted me with, "Why don't you get your book keeping straight!" Knowing she was in error, I responded, "my records may indeed be wrong. I seem to recall that you fort your checkbook that day, but I might be confused on this point. I hope you'll allow for the possibility that you or I will make errors at times. Then we can be more relaxed with each other. Why not see if you have a cancelled check? That way we can find out the truth and make appropriate adjustments."

In this case my non-polarizing response allowed her to save face and avoided a confrontation in which her self-respect was at risk. Althought it turned out she was wrong, she later expressed relief that I acknowledged I do make mistakes. As a result she flet better about me as she was afraid I would be as perfectionsistic and demanding with her as she was with herself.

Sometimes you and the critic may differ not on a matter of fact but of taste. Once again, you will be a winner if you present your point of view with diplomacy.

Ie; I feel most comfortable in a suit and tie, or in a sports coat and tie. Suppose a patient criticizes me because my clothes are too formal and this is irritating cuz it makes me appaear to be part of the "establishment"

->After eliciting further specific information about other things this person might dislike about, I could then respond, "I can certainly agree with you that suits are a bit formal. You would be more comfortable with me if I dressed more casually. I'm sure you'll understand that after dressing in a variety of ways, I have found that a nice suit or sports coat is most acceptable to the majority of the people I work with, and that's why I've decided to stikc with this style of dressing. I'm hopeful you won't let this interfere with our continued work together."

If they continue, making the same point again and again, you can simply repeat your assertive response politely but firmly over and over until the person tires out.

ie. If the person continued to insist I stop wearing suits, I might continue to say each time, "I understand your point entirely, and there is some truth to it. Nevertheless, I've decided to stick with more formal attire at this time."

In this case negotiating and compromise are indicated. You may have to settle for part of what you want. But if you consciously applied the empathy and disarming techniques first, you will probabbly get more of what you want.

In many cases you will just be plain wrong, and the critic will be right. The person's respect will increase if you assertively agree with the criticism, that the perosn for providing you with the information, and appologize for any hurt you might have caused.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L and mcshope I am getting my book back that I lent out tonight and going to go through the part about strengthening relationships with good communication. Karen I know you have had problems with your X and are now seeing a new guy and so I know it will be very helpful in preventing that anger that you experienced in the past and Mcshope I do remember you are having problems with communication with your husband so I know it'll come in handy for you as well. I'm hoping to get it up there within the next couple of days!


Mike

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with as they arise. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me.


Mike

it's funny because I get upset with myself because I still have limitations and get anxious....it seems like that has always been the only way I measured my progress....but now looking at how I view things, or how I now can see things as irrational thoughts that is real progress....that is the progress that will help me in the long run....so I do need to be proud of myself and see that I am moving forward...for the first time I am actually realizing what anxiety/ depression really mean and how to deal with them yes, it would be great to just conquer my limitations, but without understanding how I got there I might slip back int omy old habits as soon as life throws me a curve ball.......and I definitely do not want to do that....so I need to remind myself daily that I am making progress

it is funny how we come here for support but then we actually get to practice the program here with each other

I read through everything you posted....and the first thing I thought was "wow, I wish I could be like that"....and then I thought, "well, why cant I???" I need to go back and re-read everything a few times, and even take some notes...then start adding it to my everyday life.....these are excellent!! so rational, easy to do, and without any anger.....and then the respect and achievement it brings!! thanks so much for sharing!!!

[THH]

Okay, I got my calls today! All blood is fine, all in the normal range. Drinking high levels of potassium chloride didn't effect us nor the donkey! LOL... It went down the john! Our organs are working normally!
The donkey does not have a selenium deficiency. This is something he has been passed through genes, or he will out grow it. Doc say give him 24-48 months to see.
whew!
We still have to think about another water test or a filter or??? But not major important or health issue.

Mike,
You put up a bunch of good stuff! I need to re read it. I've been overloaded!
So glad you went to the dentist. Keep up on it. I have lost 3 teeth, and wish that never happened. But I was poor and could not afford it. SO I get it. I now have 3 fake teeth and $$$$ it would have been cheaper years ago to keep them! Again passing on sage advise!
Boy let me know if you grow a tooth back! Dang...it would be great! I think we should keep our baby teeth till we are 50, then get our permanent teeth!!! LOL...

Karen,
I think that is why they take their time with me when I go in! His nurse always tells me I will call you when I get everything back, regardless. AND SHE DOES.
I have had some really crazy things from different Drs. and had some bad news delivered, left on answering machines at 6:00PM Friday nights. So I quit those practices. I can't take that kind of stuff.
I am relieved. I felt good about things, but you never let go till you hear it personally.
We had rain and wind today. The news was really scaring the gajeebers out of everyone. It was not that bad here.
Everyone have a good peaceful night, I'll reply tomorrow.

[Lindalee]

Hello everyone,
I don't have time right now to read eveyone' s posts, I'm so glad you are keeping this recovery session active.

My husband had a job interview in Penn., I pick him up at the airport in a little while. We haven't talked again about that sensitive subject I mentioned before, we both have let it drop. I've thought a bit about it and decided its not important enough to bring up again right now. I may have been worried too much about it, but it still wasn't right for him to call me stupid and get so angry even if I was overreacting with worry. I know my becoming more assertive will cause a change in our relationship, and I will have more opportunities to work this out with him.

I drove on the highway today. I called and arranged to have a riding lesson on one of my horses with a trainer who lives about 45 min away. 10 Min is on a 2 lane divided highwy. I drove my truck and horse trailer in the light rain there and then back after the lesson. On the way there I had several times when the anxiety went to a level 8 for awhile, one time was when I had a semi in front of me and 2 more passing me. I watched and was able to keep my speed steady at 60 mph. I did the deep breathing, positive talk, some practice on my multiplication skills ( doing math calms me) and ate nuts and fruits chewing like a cow.

I almost chickened out and looked for a way home without the highway, but the thought of getting lost with a horse trailer and getting stuck somewhere unable to turn around was also frightening, so I drove home the same way I came. My anxiety fluctuated from 2 to 5 only. No semi's, Yea! I had a great time and learned things to work on at home with my horse, I'm so glad and proud of myself for going.

I've lapsed on exercising, so I recommit myself to it. I've done fairly well avoiding sugar and caffiene, except today when I was afraid to get back on the highway to get back home, I didn't have the reward of a riding lesson to concentrate on so I told myself if I drove on the highway home I could have a REAL cup of tea. So I did, and I enjoyed it tremendously.

I had stopped using the relaxation tape, it seemed a waste of time since I can only use it where I'm not anxious, sitting in a chair or lying down. But now I understand we are reprogramming the neurons in our brains and developing a conditioned relaxation response, so practicing it is important. I've started doing it again.

I need to leave for the airport, I will catch up with reading posts soon, Keep working our program, we only fail if we quit trying.

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L;

Yes I don't know if I can accurately say this for everybody but I know for myself I have felt upset like you because of my limitations and the anxiety. One of the thoughts that goes through my head is that most people can do these things easily and I should be able to do them too, is this a thought that comes up with you too?

You are very right if you don't understand why then you could fall back. I think anxiety and depression is a learning experience, once we understand the anatomy of it and the process of getting better then we are alot less likely to fall into that trap later on in life. Its actually better we have it now then when we are less capable to take care of ourselves when we get really really old. (What i mean about this is when we can't even tie our own shoes or make meals for ourselves).

Yes It is pretty funny how that works. Its not the intended goal but it is a nice suprise lesson. Kinda like a pop quiz!

I'm suprised you read through all of that in one day! Its alot of information and yes I wish to be like this myself. You are a nurse and so I think I can share this with you. I don't know If I mentioned this before but I did happen to be in a hospital for a little while for a couple diffrent reasons. There is a long story behind how I ended up hospitalized but the short version is I moved into my friend's place, the boyfriend got jealous and one day I talked about my obsessive thinking knowledge, he twisted it and told my friend that I have thoughts of stabbing people and cannot control them. That friend got scared and talked to people at the hospital and told me he doesn't feel comfortable having stay there anymore and so I could go to the hospital or a shelter. I've had suicidal thoughts for over a decade but downplayed them and so I told them and they had me stay there. Anyways I used one of the techniques which is finding a grain of truth in what someone says and agreeing with that and it did have such an amazing result. People respected me alot and complimented me and looked up to me and listened to my knowledge of self-help it was great! It was mostly complaining I used the technique on...some of the things were the hospital food, some psychiatrists, the groups, the hospital program and such. I would say things like well the food does taste bland, or there are definately some bad people in any profession, or the groups could be done alot better and the program could definately use alot of improvement. I didn't try to change their minds at all it was stressless and the most effective!

Your very welcome and I have some more stuff to come along but its alot and i'm not sure how to word it and what to put in because I cannot simply put like 50 pages of information into a couple posts. I'll hafta figure that one out but that stuff is about dealing with people who don't want to talk, are passive aggressive, don't listen to what you have to say, and any kinda relationship issue really. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Good job on telling yourself "why, can't I" You really are changing and its great!


THH;

Yay so you aren't going to turn into a zombie and come eat my brains! I need those if i'm going to overcome the anxiety and depression

You've felt overloaded eh? Those posts were really overloaded too no?

Yeah I went and I don't need to have my teeth ripped out of my face isn't that great! I was poor and couldn't go to the dentist either and we don't have coverage for dentist within our OHIP. I honestly haven't had a checkup for at least a decade! Well with the depression my appearance wasn't as high a priority because well I was struggling to just get through the day and my focus was mainly on my obsessive thoughts. I also couldn't afford it either. Last night I went onto youtube too look at what my teeth issue could have been and I saw some really scary pictures that made me wanna cry and so that pain is enough to put alot more attention onto dental hygiene.

Ha wouldn't that be great...We should just have baby teeth, adult teeth and then senior teeth or baby teeth, adolescent teeth and adult teeth that would be prefered.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Lindalee;

No worries take your time. If you only read a couple of my posts I would suggest the ones with the techniques, they could really help you out if you have problems handling social anxiety or relationship communication problems.

Well we just can't give up! It is in our blood to continue and keep going at it no matter what happens! We all deserve to become the great people we want to be (even though we are already pretty great already) so I think thats why we keep it going. I'm glad you are still posting even though I know it has been hard for you because like you said you sometimes feel that when your with a group you don't feel like your doing everything but thats ok, you are still trying!

Are you talking about the situation with how he left you in charge of the hay moving while he was gone? Definately true you will have more opportunities to work it out but you are feeling bad about the situation and it may be more beneficial to deal with it after some practice because undealt with situation that are that hurtful can create resentment on both sides. Your feelings and needs are important!

Ah so you were having alot of anxiety while driving on the way to a riding lesson after you had a semi in front of you and 2 more passing you. Sounds like you dealt with it really well and that is really intresting that math calms you down, I can't say I've ever heard of that as a calming method but we are all unique eh. I also had to laugh when you said you were eatting the nuts and fruits chewing like a cow...I can just see your jaw moving like that of a cow but I cannot get the image of grass out of my mind. By the way what is a semi?

Thats good if you are going to have some caffine or sugar its best to enjoy it instead of beat yourself up for it. Your allowed to have that.

What part are you having a hard time with when it comes to exercising? Are you having a hard time with the expectations or which?

You got it with the relaxation cd! Did you watch that clip I put up from what the bleep? That is the same concept you were talking about just now.

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I'm doing it for myself and not for them. No matter what response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.

I have decided to extend this week's lesson until the following monday as it is a big one and I still got a few things to post on the topic and some practice situations.

Tuesday;

I had another dream where I was practicing my assertiveness skills actually the ones that I just posted today it was odd. There was this lady who was treating her mother like garbadge and I spoke up and well I used the skills and it was difficult to do in the dream but it felt alot better.

I didn't have a very good sleep last night I mean I woke up feeling really exhausted and I wasn't sure why this time around, it was really annoying and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep but I didn't do that, I got up and ate some food and then went to the dentist. Turns out all I need is a few cavities filled and a cleaning and it'll be all better. That was good because I scared myself looking at youtube vids yestaurday thinking I'd have teeth like the ones in the pictures. I setup an appointment for tuesday of next week.

Thought replacement
1)I shouldn't have said what I did to my friend. Even though I was joking it upset him and I should've known better.
[should]
(examine the evidence)
->I didn't hurt him on purpose, I didn't know he would have taken offense to it, I cannot read people's minds, I can't control the outcome of everything and I'm capable of making mistakes. I appologized and let him know it wasn't my intention to hurt him.

2)My friends are all getting into relationships and I'm not. I should be in a relationship or I'll feel lonely and miserable.
[should]
(examine the evidence)
->Some friends are in relationships, some are interested in other people, some are looking and many are single. There are many things I do alone that are enjoybale that keep me from feeling misterable, I feel connected by hanging out with friends and doing activities with people.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Alright so I have a request from everybody! I'd like you to collect insults, rude comments and just plain mean words. My idea is to use these as practice opportunities for us when it comes to assertiveness. With a skill like this it is first good to do it in a comfortable setting and what is more comfortable then the group that we have been in for the last 9 or 10 weeks? So my idea is that I will put up a negative thought once a day and we can all come up with a response to that so we are growing with our assertiveness on a daily basis. It doesn't have to be anything big or difficult or it can be difficult as well if you want.

Ie. You are so stupid.

Mike: What about me makes me stupid

???: I'm certainly not the smartest person in the world

X:There are times I feel this way

A:Sounds like that really bothers you

B:I have moments where I do stupid things just like everybody else so I can't really be all that bad if everybody has this same problem

C:It really made me feel bad when you said I was stupid. Why did you feel it necessary to say that?



If we do this for the rest of the program, we will be assertiveness masters! Or at least we'll become good at assertiveness.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Oh and here's today's video;

Independant women


Mike