Assertiveness practice

[THH]

Mike,
I'm cool. I am not comfortable with feared fantasy. I liked the assertive practice as I had a situation in which I could understand and work with. We did that and it was helpful. YAY!

I do not know how to be a comfort to someone in areas that I do not know or understand. I do not know the emotional pain you or anyone who has suffered in this area. I can only be a cheer leader for you and others on this journey.

You were right in telling me. That brings to my mind the very reason I do not open that topic up with my mother. Even though I have as much empathy as anyone can, the words are very important as well. A sentence or wrong word out of place can change the tone of everything. Then the message can get lost and more pain can be inflicted. When that was NEVER what I want as a out come.
I feel clumsy and unsure of the right words. But know that my heart is on your side.
I understand anxiety and panic attacks how my body reacts. I have experienced these.

Just know I'm on your side!

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

Thats alright you don't have to utilize the feared fantasy method, it isn't for everyone. I need some more negative statements perhaps from a relationship context. Either romantic relationship or from a boss.

Well you may not know exactly what it feels like but there is overlap with the anxiety and depression. The obsessive thoughts you could understand in general, the anxiety like you said you can relate to, you can understand how it feels for someone to manipulate you into doing things through guilt (which is an abuse of power) and you understand pain. That can be good enough. You have also seen it some of the effects from your mother too.

In David D Burns's book it says when you try to inquire and empathize and you assume they are feeling one thing when it is another thats ok because it becomes very obvious that you are trying and I have got the emotions wrong when trying to empathize with a few people. One of those people is very much anxious and depressed and complains alot and doesn't feel listened to. It was a concern of mine that I might not get it right either but it was fine and well I did this on facebook because this friend put a negative status up for everybody to see saying something like how nobody cares and so it had a potential to get messy. I responded to the facebook status and then he facebook messages me and he lets me no that no its not quite like that, I'm fine (which i know he wasn't but whatever) and said something about hanging out. As long as you don't try to "help" (which if you remember is on the list of bad communication) and you listen and try to empathize then you really don't need to worry so much about messing up.

Have you had that situation where you said the wrong word or sentence and it made things worse?


I appreciate your support, thank you.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi you all---to those who have followed my postings since I started, I felt I would post here since this is more where I've been posting in on Lessons 7,8,9. I've had intensive CBT therapy w/ a Psychologist before my panic attacks and anxiety symptoms and used David Burns 10 Steps to Self-Esteem. Which worked to the point that I weaned myself off of medication.

So as some of you know, one of my older sisters who suffers from all kinds of anxiety and coping skills, sent me Lucinda's intro DVD while I was out of state visiting another sister. Anyway, that is how I came to this website and when I inquired about the Program.

Well, this older sister with anxiety issues and others that keep her from staying organized and functioning offered to send me her DVD's from Lucinda's Program. She was "not" ready to do the program. Which is sad as she really could use it. But she wanted me to learn it so that we can help eachother.

Good News, after waiting a couple weeks or so for her to send them to me and me deciding will she ever be able to do so. They arrived today. Although, they are not DVDs but CDs and Lesson 7 and 11 are missing. I don't think I'll miss 11 too much as I don't drink. Lesson 7 I've been worked on quite a bit with David Burns workbook and a therapist. So I don't know what I'm missing there, but already having received help from Ninja and others here. I hope I will do okay without it for now.

My sister kept the workbook, so I am missing being able to read what is in that. So anyway, here I am and I've started listening to the Foreward and I am also glad to have the Relaxation CD, because my relaxation CD made by my former Psychologist has his voice on it and I really didn't leave him on the best of terms in my point of view.

I do have a new Psychologist working w/ me and DH. Yesterday, went well, he really pointed out how I think about things, us sensitive, analytical and creative people. Explained that well to DH and how I am going to worry about certain things.

So our assignment is a project that hasn't been taken care of for a couple of years or more due to our differences and my concerns. Plus money and time is another issue. That project is our Master Bathroom that has been gutted due to mold in the original shower leaking over the years in a house that is 40 years old.

I should put this on another posting, but just to let you know. I'm to go into the bathroom w/DH. I have 30 minutes to list all my concerns about existing mold, water leakage from the attic and vent pipe and the choice of tile and new toilet.

Then I am to clear out of there and let him do his thing. Which I worry about even though he finished a DIY brand new tiled shower in our main bathroom in time for a family reunion. This time we won't be in a rush, whew... So this will be an interesting project to learn about eachother and respect eachother's viewpoints.

I'm to meet with the Dr alone in 2 weeks to discuss things about DH and our relationship. At least I think that is what he is going to talk about. So thanks to all of you who have helped me through this hard time. You have all made a difference in my life when I have felt so alone.

Now to get back to Lucinda's CD! Yippee!
One thing nice that it is on CD, is that I can listen to it anywhere and anytime. Paislee,

[THH]

Mike,
I'm sure I will have some new material to discuss after this week! LOL...

Well you may not know exactly what it feels like but there is overlap with the anxiety and depression. The obsessive thoughts you could understand in general, the anxiety like you said you can relate to, you can understand how it feels for someone to manipulate you into doing things through guilt (which is an abuse of power) and you understand pain. That can be good enough. You have also seen it some of the effects from your mother too

Your right. Thank you for breaking it down nicely for me. I understand this and the effects from my mother too.

I'm not sure if I like that Fb. I joined because my far away family was on there. I can see where some feelings can get hurt. My jury is still out on it.
I'm glad you diffused a potential problem instead of creating one! Good job!

I like what you said about

As long as you don't try to "help" (which if you remember is on the list of bad communication) and you listen and try to empathize then you really don't need to worry so much about messing up.

That is a good reminder. Maybe you could re-post those bad communication skills again.

Oh yes, I have said the wrong things in the past. I have accidentally added fuel to fires. I hate it!
I'm much more careful and trying to stay more focused so I can think of what it is that I want to say.

I appreciate your reply's, and the help that you have given to me. Thank you, and thank you for understanding.

[THH]

Paislee,
You did good if you weaned yourself off meds. If your anything like me, I'm afraid of meds. I have not taken zanax for a long time now, I think April. I keep it with me, just a habit I guess.
Very good though.

Its very good to do the program and its nice your sister will do it with you when she is ready.
In my program, they sent cd's & the dvd is a coaching video. There is one 10 -15 min. session to go with the audios. Then the work book. Mike posted the coaching video on line, you can watch that. I did find it helpful. The work book we could help you with the lessons, as usually they are topics we post about on here. Its good too, seeing examples you may be able to relate too. I have been posting the carry cards so....you have the set! YAY!

It really helped me. I hope it does the same or better for you. Just keep in mind it is a process...

[Paisleegreen]

THH--Thank you. Yes, I went to where Ninja posted the videos on from Utube, so that was helpful. So I've noticed what looks like must be the carry cards, thank you for doing that. I've listened to the Foreward CD and #2-CD and now Session 3 or the CD called 3 which talks about Negative Thoughts. I'm finding that to be very helpful and understand it more the reason to write down our negative.

At least I liked the description of them, as I really didn't realize all that is entailed in a "negative thought". So that was very interesting. Thanks for the encouragement.

I'll need this especially tonight I go to a family reunion with my in laws. But I'm really tired and not looking forward to it very much this year. I had a negative experience w/ 1 or 2 sisters in law, this past year or few months when I was in a very stressful situation.

They probably think nothing of it, because that is the way they think. But right now it is a bit stressful. Then my Father in law is going to be staying with us for longer than one night, so that disturbs me too.

I just don't want to be around these relatives right now. It will probably work out, but I have 2 hours to get dressed and ready for the dinner party and other festivities. Yikes! It is our early Holiday party. Wish me luck! Paislee

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Awesome you have the program or at least most of it. Its going to be harder without the workbook and lesson 7 but I think if you just keep reading you will catch on with things.

David D Burns's information with communication might be enough to get by without lesson 7 cd and lesson 7 in the book. Also I tend to do action assignments and then post about them so you can see what things they ask us to do and you could just follow by example.

It sounds like your copy of the program is the same copy I have. Mine is tapes and cds and I got it 6 years ago.

sounds like a good assignment that your psychologist gave you. It allows you to voice your opinion instead of bottling it up but still allows for DH to handle the situation without feeling controlled.

Glad to help and I appreciate that you shared that with me and your thoughts, feelings and well-being matter alot. You deserve to be heard out and recieve support. I would however ask if you could continue to post in the lesson forums. I'd like to keep this as a practice area and we've gone way off topic lately.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

Awesome I can't wait!

Yes your right people can easily get hurt on that website but it's still useful in situations like yours with family being far away. You can also connect with people you haven't seen or heard from in years!

Which problem was it that I diffused that you're refering to? (sorry its been awhile in this thread)

Oh I haven't even posted the bad communication signs in here.oops thanks for reminding me, I'll post it tomorrow. I have messed up a couple of times with the communication techniques but people didn't get offended but they did see that I tried and they felt good about that. I was worried about messing up too so it was good it happened and things turned out better than expected.

I've said things wrong alot! I've become so cautious about what to say that I just avoided people. Its been alot easier since learning these communication techniques though.

Your welcome. I'm really happy that they are helping! I post alot of this stuff for you guys. I know for me, I wish I had someone to show me how to be more assertive, to show me how to replace thoughts with many examples. I saw a few examples and they helped but I wanted more. So because of this, I want to make sure you get what I didn't really have. Its almost like your my children not like i'm all better and over this condtion.


MIke

[NinjaFrodo]

Alright by request, here is the repost on what constitutes as Good communication as well as Bad communication.

Good communication

1)Express your feelings openly and directly
2)You encourage the other person to express his/her feelings

You say how you are thinking and feeling, and you try to listn and understand what the other person is thinking and feeling

Bad communication

1)Truth
-You insist that you are "right" and the other person is "wrong"

2)Blame
-You say that the problem is the other person's fault

3)Martyrdom
-You claim you are an innocent victim

4)Put-down
-You imply that the other person is a loser because he/she "always" or "never" does certain things

5)Hopelessness
-You give up and insist there's no point in trying

6)Demandedness
-You say you're entitled to better treatment but you refuse to ask for what you want in a direct straight-forward way.

7)Denial
-You insist you don't feel angry, sad or hurt when you really do.

8)Passive agression
-You pout or withdraw or say nothing. You may strom out of the room or slam doors

9)Self-blame
-Instead of dealing with the problem, you act as if you're an aweful, terrible person.

10)Helping
-Instead of hearing how depressed, hurt, or angry the other person feels, you try to "solve the problem" or "help" him or her.

11)Sarcasm
-Your words or tone of voice convey tension or hospitality which you aren't openly acknowledging.

12)Scapegoating
-You suggest that the other person has "a problem" and that you're sane, happy and uninvolved in the conflict.

13)Defensiveness
-You refuse to admit any wrong-doing or imperfection

14)Counterattack
-Instead of acknowledging how the other person feels, you respond to their criticism by criticizing them.

15)Diversion
-Instead of dealing with how you both feel in the here-and-now, you list grievances about past injustices.