The Challenge...Lesson 7

THH · Post by **THH** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:00 pm

Karen,
That is a big realization fearing change! I think when we recognize that it changes our perception. I too fear fear. When I am in the heat of battle, I do well. But when avoiding, what if'ing living in the future I scare myself. For me I have to steer right into it and do it. Staying in the moment, and positive self talk have helped me gain on my anxiety. It is a fight. It will get easier the more you practice and get the good outcome. Your not going to fall back because you know now about the choice. It all produces some anxiety, weather we change our thinking or stay in the old thinking. The change to positive, healthy thinking we get those ahah moments. Where if we think this is not working, and start to scare our selves that way. We are learning this is a process and takes time and practice. I think you will realize more when we progress in the sessions, esp. the one secondary gains. This is one like you just described about its the easy way out, not being responsible, making decisions, taking action ect... Just wait it comes clearer as we progress.
Keep working it! Your doing great!

THH · Post by **THH** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:07 pm

Creamcheese!
Good for you on keeping things simple.

I can think to much and complicate things as well, it can become overwhelming. Good for you on your path of slowly working though it! I at times pull away and detach as well. You put it very nicely! Well said.

Slow and steady wins the race!

THH · Post by **THH** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:11 pm

Hope,
Those smallest things build bigger ones! You did great! It feels so freeing to smile.
Hope your day was great!

THH · Post by **THH** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:15 pm

Mike,
I could not open this link either????

Crazy.

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:17 pm

Mike,

I've been thinking about your sister, I think it could be better to wait until you feel ready. You mentioned she said you were cruel, I can see how a coment like that can keep your mind running.... Do you really think you are cruel?... Does it really matter if she thinks you are?... I imagine that if your childhood was not ideal, her wasn't either. You have come a long way improving yourself, becoming a better person. I am not sure if she has had a chance to improve herself. Family is important, however there are times when we have to keep a healthy distance from our families, simply because they can make us feel bad.
I remember in the CD, when Lucinda visits her ex-husband and someone else visits his father, I remember that both said that at that moment they didn't care about what the other person would say and they did not expected anything... I think that would be the healtiest way to talk to your sister, when you don't expect anything and you really don't care about what they say.

It seems like you are doing better with your anxiety.

About my sleep problems, with the surgery they removed the ovaries, the ovaries produce certain hormones that help with sleep. So my sleep got affected. I used to fall asleep and a train could go by and not wake me up. Now I wake up several times at night and sometimes have a hard time falling asleep again.

My degree is in psychology, and I was trained in psychoanalytic psychotherapy. I had my practice when I lived in Mexico, but I am not able to practice in Illinois, I would have to go back to school.

Do you believe in God?... I ask that simply because I feel you have a Guardian Angel helping you. It is nice that you have been receiving money while you work on getting better.

I love smelly things. Lately I have been looking for Lavander. I read that lavander helps with anxiety.

We all deserve to become the great people we want to be (even though we are already pretty great already)

You are so right, specially the part of "we already are".

Hope

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:23 pm

THH;

Well I can't see anybody appreciating a comment like that but I think I'd probabbly lose the battle at that point as well. The other person might then come up with things that back up what he is saying and then keep going from there. It would be a battle between who's right and who's wrong instead of a discussion of I'm hurt and I need you to listen but I don't know how to communicate how I feel.

Sounds like that really bothers you when she does say you have no idea. Its also one thing to let it blow over but if it is a constant thing and doesn't change then maybe it would be more beneficial to change the approach. Sometimes digging a deeper hole has to happen before getting to the outcome you desire. The key is really in the questions. Questions do 2 things, they get answers for you and the other person as well as guide someone. What is it that gives her the impression that you have no idea? Does your pain and suffering have to be worse then hers to be relavant? Definately questions I'd want to ask. What does she mean when she says you have no idea? It's good you get along and your right it does sound like the relationship could use some improvement.

Well I do have an idea. Part of the feeling good book suggests doing role playing where one person plays the part of the "critic" and the other person plays the person it's directed at. In this case I would play the part of you and you would play the part of your sister. You'd start it off with an irrational/negative remark and then I would try to disarm you or ask more questions and we would go for awhile until you just ran out of things to respond with. Perhaps we could do that if you are intrested? We would need to do this in some kind of chat like msn or this sites online chat. I think that would be amazing practice for everybody.

Mike

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:38 pm

THH;

Try this one Can't take that away

mcshope;

Ya I'm going to get some more confidence with assertiveness before handling it and lots of practice before-hand. No I don't believe I am cruel because I cannot be a behavioral response. My core self is not cruel, nobodies is but I may have done some things that she sees as cruel. You are right she didn't have a good childhood either. I have no idea if she has done much to improve herself but she is a mother now and there is no way someone could stay exactly the same when they become a parent. Well family is important but family doesn't have to be blood related. Animals don't stick together in their families for their life times.

Yes I remember both stories you speak of. Lucinda talks to her ex about how she has forgiven herself and him for the marriage and how she wanted to move on and be friends. Ken talked to his father who had abused him and then he hadn't seen him for 15 years, he shook his fathers hand and said this isn't a father son thing anymore this is a man to man thing and he said he came full circle and the guy even lived with him before he died. You're right I have to approach my sister in the same way or else I could easily get upset and angry and not say what it is that I need to say.

Well I was doing better but I think i'm doing worse now. It is a rollercoaster however.

Thats really unfortunate that removing your ovaries has had such an impact on your sleep. I don't understand physiologically how that works. Is there anything out there that can help to fix that hormonal balance?

Wow that is stupid how they won't let you practice. That is pretty good and I'm actually feeling a little intimidated now I mean just the way I talk as the leader of the group and all.

I believe in guardian angels, I believe that we came from a universal energy but I do not believe in one single entity that is higher then us. I believe we are all pieces of a bigger whole. I'm very fortunate that money has come to me the way it has.

Lavender really is a nice smell. I bought some stuff at the dollarstore that is lavender but it is so fake smelling that it just doesn't work for me.

Mike

THH · Post by **THH** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:40 pm

Mike,
I like that you said it would be a battle between who is right instead of a discussion of I'm hurt and I need you.
I feel she is hurt and has not gotten over it. Not by me nessarily but in a general tone. I think for me I want to help strenghten our bond but don't have the knowlege of how too, and I get my feelings stepped on along the way. Very good in put!

I like the questions idea too. I absoulity love the questions you wrote. I'm going to write them down so I don't forget. They are great.

I like your idea, we could do that. My problem is keeping my thoughts organized well enough to type what I need to say. Maybe a chat or Im I do not know how to do the msn thing. Remember my computer skills are on the lower end of things. Remember how you tought me how to use the quotes! I was such a shy beginer when I first started to post. I didn't even know my way around this site to go back to where I posted something! LOL... I'm better but still slow!
How are you doing???

THH · Post by **THH** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:42 pm

Mike,
Negitory!
This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds.

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:52 pm

Karen,

I am sorry to hear that you were not able to make it to pick up your daughter. I know that probably was a difficult ime for you. I just think that at 15 kids most of the time think that they don't have a perfect/normal family... LOL... who does????.... it takes time and maturity to realize that there are no perfect/normal families.

I had a little picture that said "Around here normal is just a setting in the dryer"... just to remind me and to remind my kids that we were not a normal family. What is normal anyhow?

Good that you met your online friend... it is good to hear that it is going good. Remember, you deserve to be treated like a queen.

I also liked the example of the cabinets... it helps to put things into perspective.

Be patient with yourself, you are doing great. Remember that it didn't took us 1 week to get where we were... it takes time to get better. Actually it is a never ending process, we get a little better each day.

Hope