Trauma and anger...how do you just get over it?

Juno · Post by **Juno** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:15 am

This week....is HARD. This is the hardest week ever and it has totally paralyzed me. I was doing so good till now. I was working on healthy expectations, building self esteem and really thinking positive. But this is too much.

When I was a child I was molested by my cousin and a year ago I was a victim of date rape. That's too much for me to conquer. I'm angry all the time, most times without showing it. And I have a hard time trusting men. So my wonderful boyfriend, who I live with, suffers with my anger.
I can't possibly imagine how I can make that anger go away. It's beyond words. I don't even want to make it go away because it feels like it's the only thing that protects me. Without it I feel like a victim all over again. Yet I don't want to carry all that pain with me and into my relationship.
Help. Anyone have any advice?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 08, 2009 8:13 am

There are a lot of types of anger. Anger because we were cut off in traffic, or because someone insulted us, or we lost something irreplaceable, or we cannot make our money last until the end of the month, and so on. Your type of anger is very different. Because you've been experiencing your anger for so many years, and because it has infected your relationships, I would recommend you find a therapist who is specially trained to help work through your type of anger. This is a process, and successful navigation through it does require help from a specialist. I wish you the best of success, and do want to encourage you to seek professional guidance. You can recover completely. I urge you to find the kind of help you need to do this. If you cannot afford a personal therapist, do investigate all the free support groups which are available in all metropolitan areas. You live in NY, you probably have more support groups for this type of anger than anywhere else. Best wishes.

staceg · Post by **staceg** » Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:30 am

It's funny but i said this too the last time around when i attempted the program. This is very normal. Keep in mind that even though you don't feel as confident now as you did the last few weeks, doesn't mean that you aren't progressing. This week's lesson is getting you to look at your anger, it's getting you to think about it and thus it comes up more. This is to be expected actually.

I was also molested as a kid and i know exactly what you are going through. I have a trust issue with men as well. Unfortunately what happens on a subconscious level is you actually project feelings from someone who hurt you onto other people and by the sounds of it I would suspect that you may be doing this with men who become close to you.

Nobody can make anger go away completely and there is healthy anger and unhealthy anger. Anger in essence is a message that someone has violated your rights, morals or rules and it leaves you feeling inadequate if the situation isn't resolved or you do not have a plan on how to deal with it incase it comes up again.

For 5 years i tried to conquer this issue on my own but i wasn't able to. Personally I would suggest getting some councelling and doing the program at the same time.

Mike

cream cheese · Post by **cream cheese** » Tue Apr 21, 2009 7:42 am

Juno,
I know what it's like to be molested, but not raped. I know it is difficult for me, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you. But please know that I am your support. I would like both of us to get better, so I am praying for you. Just hang in there. Even if you don't overcome this anger part of the program, keep going. I'm sure you'll feel much better if you continue. Don't give up. Good luck in finding a good counselor.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 04, 2009 7:07 am

I thought i had dealt with the issue of the abuse when i had confronted the person who molested me. I believed that all my anger towards the person had left but I'm coming to realize that this is not true.

I got into councelling and started learning about cognitive behavioral therapy from other sources outside of the program. Right now i'm learning about anger, ways to deal with anger, reducing anger and should rules. I'm usually pretty good at replacing my thoughts to something more calming and rational but i'm stuck on the anger and shoulds. I think in these cases, it is important to have a councellor or psychologist to help figure it out. This is just my way of doing things but it might not be what ultimately works for you...just wanted to share to give some ideas and hope

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu May 07, 2009 8:07 am

Hi Juno,
I just read your post a month later, because I didn't join the program until 3 wks ago. I hope you have seen a doctor, by now. If not please make an appointment before your anger hurts you or someone else.
It seems like so many people were abused as children and so many women suffer rape. I have experienced both and I walked around pretending nothing happend. I was affected years later with anxiety and depression and yes anger.
You need to speak to a counselor who can be objective and let you express all of your feelings without interruption. Sometimes just letting it out is the biggest step.
If you don't get help you may never have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue May 12, 2009 4:28 pm

I find that forgiving those people that have hurt you and sincerely praying for them really helps. It is hard to continue to hate someone that you are praying for. I have tried this myself and it worked. I know this maybe hard to do but it is very healing.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 20, 2009 4:46 am

Celyon is right and i'd like to add to what was said. From my experience and from talking to others that have been abused, we often feel alone. It helps us out tremendously to have someone actively listen to us (meaning hearing what we say and repeating it back so we know they were listening and then validating our suffering and empathizing with us), as this helps to break down certain irrational negative beliefs about ourselves...like, I deserved this or I'm a bad person or it didn't really happen or I have no right to react the way i am.

Would you agree that anybody who suffers with rape, sexual abuse or physical abuse, has the right to feel resentful, enraged and hurt? If an anvil landed on your toe, you wouldn't be focusing on how positive and happy you should be towards yourself and other people would you? You'd probabbly be focusing on the pain. It is human to not feel so good when we are in pain.

Mike