Stress Center Peer Support

Aaaaaaaaaaaarg, RAwr, *Mike showing his teeth*

Welcome to lesson 6 boys and girls! We are finally on the fun lesson about anger...yay! I'm happy and angry!

So in this lesson we get to explore the magical and wonderful aspects of our anger as well as why it is so vital and important to our survival. Anger like all the other emotions has its place and its purpose, it all depends however on how you express that anger. So lets get started!



Mike

LOL...Mike.

This one is always fun! I always say "I'm not angry" and then I find myself dwelling on a thought or something someone said that was not true, and finding out I am angry.
Or when I have to be someplace and everything starts happening, phone rings, people stop over, get behind a school bus and I'm running late. I get nervous and start pacing and start putting pressure on myself. It feels like anger, but not necessarily at anyone. I guess I get angry at myself, or frustrated at the situation.

I have to listen to the tape yet so I'll post Tuesday.

that was a fun start...and yeah THh I hear you on that. I find myself to be really irritated and frustrated easily. The funny thing was is that just before I posted this new lesson, my internet stopped working and then lesson 6 cd wouldn't fully download onto my iPhone...things were not working right and I was getting irritated...Hows that for starting the anger lesson? Like you I get frustrated...at many situations actually, if i'm going to be completely honest which I don't really want to be alot of the time when it comes to the anger stuff. Its like, awe crap this isn't working right and this isn't going the way I want and there are way too many pop ups and stupid ads and this friend didn't call and this person is texting me and I don't want to be texted right now and I just want to relax and all these things keep trying to take me away from it...I think i have some more expectations to work on.


Mike

Read my book today, will listen to tape tomorrow. Easily irritated, and over react. Hummm...really??? LOL...
Some key things to think about for me, what out come do you really want? I'll have to think about that one. And another good one is if dealing with another person, were they really angry at you? Some things to focus on.

I think I was taught that anger isn't allowed. It is not nice. I can't ever remember anyone helping me deal with anger, talking it out or nothing. I basically was sent to my room to stew. And that I did. I still get mad in silence. I would be that women in the room ( memory of this session tape ) Waiting for someone to come in and want to talk it out. Instead no body comes they are all having fun and I am the only one sulking. This is me.
Now getting mad because nobody misses me. Nobody wants to know where I am at or what is wrong with me?
I must of missed this one in other run through we did. I need to think more on this one, as I still have trouble with it.

Mike that is funny the frustrating thing you had with your computer. I get it. I bought a new tv for Christmas and I get so frustrated learning how to use it. New buttons, hooking up all the wires & going through all this just to watch tv. My husband loves to watch tv but has no interest in hooking it up. I take it as a challenge and can't stop until I have concord it! He is not very good with electronics and he loves it when I get things working. While setting things up he says dumb things that make me mad because he don't know what he is talking about. He starts pushing buttons and messing things up and I have to figure out what he did. We have had talks and he is getting better but still...
I need a big dose of patience, and I have to remind myself to relax. It is dumb stuff like this but it adds up on a daily intake.

Our book said that when we feel the first flush of anger, step back mentally and look for the over reactive part, and fix just that much. That could be helpful if I remember!

THH;
To respond to your post in the last session...I also think we can become a glass half full person too, it just takes some time and effort. I'm actually working on a bunch of projects on my own in order to do that, in order to change my ways of thinking and I'll be posting the pictures i'm using to do so in order to create another resource that you and other people can use to help. I also have created the courage project or at least most of it so far and I will post the pictures used for that...basically they get you to focus on the empowering things.


Like THH, the anger thing was not really allowed, actually any negative emotions or expressing emotion was allowed and I was definately the type to want people to come and comfort me and ask whats wrong and basically come and make things better....and like THH nobody did come and I spent alot of time isolated and wanting someone to say something but nobody did and had the same thinking...there were thoughts of nobody caring because they didn't come and help me out, thoughts of me being wrong, me being bad, me being unwanted.....I guess some rules too...if people cared then they would comfort me and ask me how i'm doing and make me feel better. I didn't get that so I didn't feel cared for.

After some reflection, I'd say that I do have an issue with anger but of course there is an anger issue if life has been such a huge struggle for a long time...anxiety is not an easy thing to deal with and it makes it really difficult to get our needs met and alot of the times we don't...we develop expectaions and try to control the world around us in order to get our needs met because we really didn't know any other way in order to do it and when they don't get met then it can cause alot of anger...and being negative already we are already focused on all the things that don't work, all the bad things that have happened in our lives, all the people that were mean to us, all the times we gave our time and effort into other people and them take it for granted or walk all over us...so it just becomes such an easy pathway for our brains to travel when it comes to thinking and it really does fuel the anger. When I went through this lesson the first tiem around I actually became more internal with my anger with a bit of assertiveness on the outside but mostly internalized it. I thought I was less angry but the anger was still there, I just wasn't lashing out and expressing it as much or as harsh as I was before and I think I became more of a pressure cooker like Carolyn where I'd let it build and then I'd get triggered and would explode! Or become really self conscious about exploding and obsessively talk to friends about what I was going through and my fears and I'd drive people away.

There are many things I've noticed that make me angry or irritable. To name a few;
I get angry at the computer when it freezes, when it doesn't do what I want it to do, when I can't seem to find the files i'm looking for, when the internet goes down

I'd get angry when I'd send a message to someone online and they wouldn't respond back

I'd get angry when there were lots of dishes to do

I'd get angry when I had alot to do in order to clean my room and the anger would come up while I was doing it (usually it turned into obsessive anger about the past)

I'd get angry when people didn't come to my birthday party

I'd get angry when I wasn't invited to partys

I'd get angry if someone wasn't understanding me

I'd get angry when I'd see my ex in pictures with friends

I'd get angry when people stopped talking to me and would avoid me

I'd get angry if my friends were friends with people that I had a falling out with or that hurt me.

I'd get angry when people would tell me to snap out of it or that I wasn't paying attention when I'd be more anxious and spacy.

Thats just to name a few. I guess I have some things to work on, like more expectations and some assertiveness. I also know how important this is....There was this one lady I was working with during the summer who had a problem with anger. I was helping her move and she was really stressed with it and very OCD when it came to organizing the boxes and it was very difficult to be around this woman. She would get angry when things were not placed the way she wanted, she'd get angry when I'd ask her for clarification about what she wanted, she'd get angry when I didn't understand what she wanted, she even called me petty at one point because she didn't want to pay me for the travel from her place to the new place. This lady had a really nasty tone of voice when she would get angry and I think there are times that a similar tone comes out in me and I donm't even notice it until someone reacts negatively to it. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to be like that lady. So this is a pretty big lesson for me. I think Accept, Allow what is, express myself genuinely and be assertive when it is necessary, those are my goals for this lesson.


In regards to lesson 6 cd what stood out for me is;

Don't appologize to win someone over or have any expectations of how the other person will react

....this is big and I have tried to do that and then I'd feel like a failure and disappointed when I didn't get the expectation I was hoping and I'd feel really stupid for doing it because they would respond to me as if I was stupid and I'd just accept their opinion as if it was truth.
->Well we cannot control other people, only ourselves and they may not believe us or they may not have the same mindset as we do (especially with what we have learned in the program and even more so if these people don't look at problems or don't look at or allow emotions). We do it for ourselves in order to make amends and let it go.

Like THH mentioned..what am I really angry about and whats the outcome I want? I definately need to keep this one in mind more....I think in the heat of the moment, what I want is to let people know that I'm not going to take their crap and that I'm not going to let them walk all over me....but I think respect is what I want and depending on the situation, I may want to fulfill certain needs like security, rest...ect. Perhaps a picture quote of whats the outcome I want would be a great one to make.

If I could just change my mother, If I could just change my husband, If I could just change my sister, she's very dominating. You cant' change anybody else, the only way you're every going to change another person is if you change and they need to change the way they manipulate you or control you or respond and react to you in order to maintain a relationship

This is really good...I don't think that what we really truely want is for them to stop being themselves, what we really want is to be respected and treated fairly. So when we say something against it, they may not like what we say because it is not what they expect (theres the expectations again) and maybe get angry or manipulative in response but eventually they change because they have to in order to still have the relationship.


This is so very fitting! We cannot control life or the responses of people but we can control ourselves and our responses and steer our way to a better destination.

Mike

Hey All,

I haven't read your posts yet but hope to do so later tonight or tomorrow.

This post isn't topic specific but I wanted to let you know I'm on a little vacation away. As you may remember, travel is one of my biggest anxiety/panic provokers.

We're staying a couple nights in a city a couple hours or so away from home and despite some anxiety I am enjoying it.

I was at a low emotionally before we left (I haven't felt that low and emotional in a long time) - enough that I almost felt like the trip was just too much. But I didn't want to disappoint my husband and I did think that I could make it even if it was hard. And I knew that I would have fun after working past each anxious part.

I've been anxious and feeling a little overwhelmed and emotional. But I am making casual mental note of all the fun and positive things I am experiencing and using that to overshadowing the stress. There are a lot of things I am really enjoying

At the restaurant this evening I suddenly felt very anxious and sad and overwhelmed (almost like I might just burst into tears and release the pressure build up of emotion) and I thought of you guys and what you might say to me if I had posted on the board that very moment and you'd all seen and responded then too. It's all just positive imagery in my head of course but I really drew strength from that - knowing that you others would understand and knowing the sort of encouraging responses I'd read. So I saved you the work and imagined it to myself! Hahaha!
It really helped.

The original idea for this trip was to cross the border into the States and travel several hours from there to visit a relative (we're planning to make the trip in May for a graduation so I need to practice getting closer to doing that - that's stressful too as either I make the trip with the family in May or get left behind. If I was really freaking out my husband would stay w me but I don't want to go that route).
That distance and crossing the border is much more than the level I am at currently and it caused me a lot of stress to anticipate. I was thinking positively etc when we made the plans originally but I think because it's far beyond what I've worked myself to so far that the thought changing wasn't enough. I needed the practice and exposure to back it up.

My husband is not putting pressure on me to do the full trip. He'd prefer to visit the relative but he understands that even this is hard for me and he wants us to relax too.
Traveling to the relative during this trip is not completely off the table. We'll just see how tomorrow goes.
Really my goal is to just get across the border, we'll have breakfast stateside and hopefully enjoy a bit of time in America before coming back.
Honestly that alone is causing me a fair bit of anxiety. I've got Ativan to take if I can't get panic under control (I usually use a pill about once every two months or so - so I use it very sparingly).
So I should be able to accomplish the cross border breakfast!

That will put me a step closer to reaching the May goal.

I'll try to get on later to read all the posts, and this weekend I plan to listen to the lesson and catch up o you guys for this week.

I like having a goal like May to work toward but I also hate it.
Preferably I wouldn't have a time frame on it - I think that's the part I hate.
But it's better than doing nothing and going no where!

ForeverYoung, THH and MapleLane;
We've been working really hard on this anxiety stuff, and from what I've seen, we have gone deeper than we ever have with the program run through which is just amazing! I know the part in the program where it says to face the limtations is coming up and well I know it has been a concern for some people (myself included) and I wanted to change things in order to take the pressure off.

As far as I'm concerned, we already are facing some of our limitations and those people with the anxiety symptoms as well as some of the deeper emotions, we are facing our own emotional limitations at the moment and we are also integrating what we've learned from the other sessions as well. This to me is good enough at the present time and I've already decided that i'm planning to do another program run through right after this one in order to create momentum and to continue our progress. This is not an easy thing to change and so what if we take longer than 1 program run through and so what if we take longer in preparing for our limitations? How long it takes to do it isn't as important as getting to that place and sometimes it does take people longer than it does with others. This is a huge life change we are going through and so it could take time and thats fine. So what i'm saying is, you don't have to face those scary external limitations this time around, just continue doing what you are doing with the rest of the program, with the lesson cds as well as the relaxation cd and that will help you to be alot more prepared and confident when you finally do decide to do it. When we get to the part of the program where it does say its time to face the limitations and you actually want to then feel free to do that....we could just simply talk about how to set up a way to face the limitations and break them down into smaller bits so you would have a plan of action when it comes to facing them and use that for later, thats ok too.

Mike

wow I am running behind. I have had some stressers that are bugging me. I feel good for several days then feel bad for the last 2 I am going to keep thinking positive thoughts, I will be okay it is not the end of the world at least not yet. I have lost my cd and can't get my cassette player to work so I can't listen to the lesson. I am going to read the book more and keep on keeping on. I wish I could find a cheap cassette player used. I do have trouble with anger. my mother and my husband can make me the madest. I feel bad about that as my mother is gone now. I have not always been the nicest person and I feel like stress turned me that way. I am doing better with my husband with my last set back. I don't have time for anger, I am trying to not sweat the small stuff. man we have so much to work on. my husband bought candy that we don't need he is using the excuse it is Christmas. I am trying to not eat so much. I haven't excercised in a few days. I am having trouble with keeping my self on track. I have went back to bed the last two mornings as I get up with the chickens. I don't have a lot of good things to say. I am trying I will get there.

mike I have put the thoughts of having to face our fears on the back burner. I am thinking about all these other things I need to do now and not doing. I think you have already faced some of yours. you getting up and singing. I need to really try to figure out all mine. I am sure there are some small ones and that is where we need to start. my biggest is the highway far from home. I also have the elevator as I have a fear of inclosed places. this one is pretty bad as it has been with me for 30 yrs.

mable wow you have already worked on your limitations girl. that is a good start. 2 hrs wow. I wish I could do that maybe some day. so be proud of your self even though you feel anxious Lucinda says feel the fear and do it any way. It will not be possible to always face with out fear. we learn the most while we are afraid as we are desintizeing our selves to our fears. it hurts the most but we learn the most. all have a good night is it cold in Canada the high today was about 30 I hate the cold. heres to warm weather

Something really amazing happened to me yesterday. I was walking home from the store and it had just dawned on me that someone that I had a huge crush on doesn't actually like me like that and then I had started to have thoughts about all the other people who don't like me not just in a relationship type of way but in general. I felt the urge to write down all the people who have cut me out of their lives and who don't like me and I wrote and wrote. Historically even with one person if I would get rejected by them (perhaps they stopped talking to me or decided to not invite me to a party), It would crush me and I would immediately blame myself based on the belief that i'm bad, unworthy, unloveable and that people think i'm annoying. Well while I was thinking about these people, I did feel sad about some of them but it didn't crush me, I still felt good about myself and I also gained some perspective.

Some of these people don't like what I believe in, some of these people don't like all the self improvement stuff i'm doing (like the program) because they refuse to look at their own stuff and try to deny it or run away from it, some people were manipulative, some people didn't want to take responsibility for their own actions and thus blamed me instead when I did the right things, some people were not good at open communication and instead of communicating stuff that bothered them they cut themselves off instead, some people got overwhelmed with the negative behaviors that I was putting out at the time, some people wanted to help me but got frustrated when their attempts weren't working, and some people were pretending to like me because they felt bad for me and my situations and felt like they had to be there for me out of some sense of obligation, some people didn't like me because I stood up for myself against them, some people don't like me because i'm "too emotional" in their eyes when I know in my heart that this isn't the case and these comments are coming from people who are denying their emotions almost completely and expecting me to do the same.

So all in all, I started to see the real reasons why people didn't like me...its not because of my worth or how I am in a general sense but for a variety of reasons where alot of them had nothing to do with me really and thats fine. I think i'm feeling more ok with that now, i'm more accepting of that now. I guess now that I look at it, I really did have a should there or maybe a few....I should be liked by everyone, if i'm a good person then everybody will like me, if i'm a good person then I should like everyone....I've wanted everybody to get along since I was a kid but I think i'm starting to grow up in this sense and accept that this isn't always reasonable and its ok to be that way.

I listened to the lesson 3 tape today and a couple things stood out for me.

1)Ken talked about how we can't just turn off the negative thinking and that we are creatures of habit....this definately still applies to us right now, we are still changing and its still going to take time to do this.

2)The part about Jan saying that when she would have anxiety at night and in the morning she said she had the thought that she can't go to the work because its just going to continue and then she mentioned that Carolyn said...just because you have a bad morning doesn't mean you're going to have a bad day, just because you have a bad day doesn't mean you're goign to have a bad week, Lucinda then added, what determines whether you have a bad week is how you talk to yourself....Well I think we assume that we have no control and it is just inevitable that we'll continue to feel awful...but we really do have the power to change that and we've all had experiences in these last 6 weeks where we have overcome anxiety and calmed ourselves down using the calming techniques, so we have evidence that this is really true.


I want to propose a game....whenever we post, at the end of our post, we put one thing we accomplished today (doesn't have to be program related) and one thing that we are greatful for (doesn't have to be in that day). You don't have to do this if you don't want, its just an option available which can help to create more positive habits to encourage more positive thoughts to go through our heads.


MapleLane;
I love your post...I like how you focused on the positive feelings you would get by facing the fear of the traveling and also how you envisioned us responding to you in compassionate ways, that was so cute to read!

Practice and exposure are important as well as writing through thoughts but don't underestimate the power of the relaxation cd by the way. Do you find that when you face the limitations it gets easier than the time before or that you keep doing it and you still have a moderate ammount of anxiety each time you do it?

And the trip into the states for breakfast...is that something you're doing or I guess did (at least by the time you read this)? It would definately help and luckily May is a long ways away and you can definately change alot in that ammount of time...you know whats funny your trip to the states reminds me of my trip to Cuba both of which happened in May.


ForeverYoung;
If you are running behind then you are running behind and that is ok, it happens and its ok if you end up doing the workbook stuff from this lesson or another lesson and post it in a different week's lesson as well, thats ok (although i'm not sure if thats what you're talking about running behind). If you have missed a couple days with the relaxation cd you can always come back and use it when you decide to or feel more comfortable. Do what you can with where you are, Yes this condition is very difficult to face and there are going to be times when you may not want to just because it is scary and thats ok too, allow yourself room for times like that...there are days I don't listen to the cd or work in the workbook, I haven't journaled in awhile either....if you can't listen to the lesson cd then just rely on the workbook for now until you find a player or you are able to get another copy of the disc, it really is just another resource but not the only resource you have.

I'm also not always the nicest person myself, I have anger issues as well and well its just how we've both grown up with and just took on and its not our faults and the anxiety definately doesn't help either. Its ok for that to be our starting place and that is really what it is, our starting place because we have the ability to change things around (maybe not all at once but over time). I also have slacked on the exercising, my eating hasn't been that great either (mainly because I've had to resort to buying cheap stuff)...so there are alot of things that i've fallen behind on too but thats ok for me and its ok if you do too, you can always get back on and try again...heck I have been doing this program on and off for 9 years and have avoided many of the things and have fallen back many many times but so what, I still try and get back on and thats all that really matters, the getting back on. So forgive yourself, this is not an easy task to accomplish, its not easy to face, its very understandable if you do go back to avoiding things or even if you feel you want to, you've been carrying this around for decades, there are very logical reasons as to how you ended up with this chronic anxiety issue and none of this is your fault...it is just apart of the condition and of the process of changing from who you were to who you are becoming.

And you've already faced yours too. You've mentioned calming yourself down with the 6 steps not only once but twice...I remember one time was on your way to a family event (thanksgiving) and you had to pull over when you were driving in order to calm yourself down and it worked!



I'm greatful for the program because it gives me a structure to work with in order for me to grow and work with my struggles with anxiety and depression

I feel proud of myself because I was able to face the fact that people don't like me without taking it personally.


Mike