The Challenge...Lesson 6

You can get EXACTLY what you want out of most any situation if you only think before you react. After building these skills, your anger will work FOR you instead of against you.
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THH
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Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:12 pm

Karen,
Its okay to have some days that are hard. Don't worry about them. I hope you are feeling better today and if not quite there maybe tomorrow will be better. ;)
I have had several weeks strung together where I feel pretty good. And I will get a few days where I feel off. Some more anxiety and thankfully I have managed to keep off the full panic attack. If you feel you are close to one of those, back up and do lesson 2 again. Use your card, 6 steps, give permission to feel anxiety. This is not something we get over in a week or 15 weeks. Its a commitment that we make when we get tired of dealing with anxiety.
Slip, let go, you won't fall far. Don't be afraid, we are here for each other!
Keep in mind several of us have been through the program before, this is your first time and only on session 6!
Tomorrow will be a better day! ;)

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:25 pm

Hope,
How are you doing these days?
I too have to be more assertive and not personalize things. I am sometimes too sensitive. Like in the tapes, its not about winning, it is about being heard. Being able to express our feelings. :)

Karen L
Posts: 181
Joined: Tue Sep 14, 2010 11:09 pm

Post by Karen L » Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:37 pm

was reading through some of the posts...just dont have the energy to type.........thanks for all the encouraging words...
still struggling a bit today.....been teetering between anxious and depressed, sometimes both.....still cant pinpoint what is bothering me....just to tired and drained to think, let alone type...
trying hard to accept that I will have bad days and hopefully tomorrow will be better.....

JJ
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Jul 24, 2006 10:05 pm

Post by JJ » Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:53 pm

Hi Everyone,
One of the best things I learned from Lesson Six is determining what outcome I want to happen....... Whether its' from a meeting, a request of a family member or friend. I think that gives more focus on attaining what we want. Another is asking for help when needed. Most often people want to help you.

Joe

NinjaFrodo
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Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:22 pm

Alright so I had posted in another thread where the person had stated that they don't believe the positive replacement thought and I was very satisfied with my response to her post and thought I would share it with anybody here that might be having the same problem.
This was something I had a hard time with as well. One thing you can do is instead of trying to replace a negative with a positive is to replace and irrational thought with a rational one. It can make things alot easier.

Also when you have a negative thought you can always find some situation in which that thought is true however there is very likely to be situations where that thought is not true either. Ie. You might say to yourself that you aren't good enough and well you might not be good enough to do rocket science but you would be good enough to tie your shoe.

The point I am trying to make is that your negative thought might be partially true but not completely true. Your positive replacement thought could be more true. Its alot easier if you look at it in a gray area as opposed to black and white.



Also I do have some helpful guidelines when it comes to creating replacement thoughts which could really help any of you guys that might be struggling. Would that be something you would like me to put up? Who'd be intrested?


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:34 pm

THH;

thank you, I had gotten really good at being assertive back when i went through the program the first time around but I didn't follow through and I got really rusty at it. I hope it comes in handy when your in the heat of the moment.

I haven't argued with too many drunk people but I have tried to reason with one and well it didn't help as she just kept that obsessive cycle of negative thoughts and it also didn't help that her mother was contradicting what i was saying. What happened with you when you tried to argue with a drunk person?

It was definately a better score then mine however I have met people alot older than me with worse anger problems. Thats great you were able to let go of those things, not everybody does that and they drag on a problem that may have originally happened for a couple of months at most into a whole lifetime of that same problem, reliving it day after day after day and growing with that anger.
Yeah I'm doing the best I can to dwell on the positive feelings, I'm cultivating them more and more everyday.
This is what I said a little further up and you responded with the quote after this sentence.
So Good Mike, me too... Wink


I'm guessing you ment you were trying your best to dwell on the positive then.

Yes its getting easier to catch things especially now that I have categorized the negative thoughts into the cognitive distortions. Its a bit of a game.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:51 pm

Karen L;

You're really having a hard time eh? Well just take it easy and don't expect to much from yourself in the next couple of days, do more fun things like watching comedy movies or something.

If you are having a hard time accepting bad days just look back to all your other posts where you made accomplishments. You've had many bad days before those accomplishments and then you had your good days and now your having bad days again so you know it is very possible to again have up days.

JJ;

Yeah that is a very important thing you just mentioned about determining what outcome you want. It puts perspective especially when you are angry at someone who has already passed away.

Asking for help has been and still is a huge issue for me but yes many people do want to help us out, but its our thoughts that keep us from being aware of that.


Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

NinjaFrodo
Posts: 1263
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am

Post by NinjaFrodo » Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:35 am

I know that negative emotions are just messages that something is wrong and needs to change either with my perception, my communication or my behavior. I work with that message instead of feeling sorry for myself and I do what I can to change it.

Hey what happened to Lindalee?

Wednesday;

I had the worst dream the night before. I was in a large building which I had considered a house and was running away and hiding from zombies. One of the places was in a bathroom where there was a bathtub with water in it and flowers in the center. I somehow ended up getting out of this house and onto a street where there were buildings and such and there weren't any zombies. There was this one lady who gave her life up and died because of my grandfather. I kept trying to hide from my grandfather but he kept finding me, one place i hid in was a ditch under tons of yellow leaves but he still found me as if there was a GPS system in place. I kept running and he kept coming at me and I was getting angry and threatened to kill him. Then I woke up.

I got myself up and made some food and started to head to yoga. I was going to rush myself to get there but allowed myself to use some money and take the transit which was a good move because I got there early and I was feeling calm.

During Yoga there was a really cute guy that I kept glancing over. I was feeling bad about doing that because I really don't want to be one of those creepy guys. Anyways we finished the yoga, I talked with the instructor and then I felt like I wanted to workout my chest and so I ended up doing that and I followed the same kind of plan as I go along. I felt good after each set I did and was able to put more effort into the movements and I didn't push myself past my overwhelmed point.

There was one person who showed me a workout technique that he used and I hadn't seen him for a little while since then until today. That technique really worked for me and I wanted to show my appreciation but got really anxious and worried. I was worried about being judged and treated poorly. My biggest fear when it comes to socializing is that I wouldn't be able to get out the words that I want and I would be stared at and it would be embarassing. I think if I do get into that situation I think I could actually let the other person know i'm struggling with social anxiety because people can really relate to anxiety.

Also I had googled "genuine smile" and I found this one picture of this guy who looked so very positive, cheerful, excited, passionate and compassionate and I've been looking at the picture and imagining how he felt and it really does help me out. I actually found his contact info on his website and sent him a message on facebook. I let him know that I am going through depression and have been using his pictures as inspiration as to what I can become and that I didn't expect any kind of response at all, all I wanted to do was show my appreciation. I was really worried he might take it the wrong way but he immediately added me to facebook and told me "that is the coolest thing anybody has ever said to me" and it now seems like the start of a really great friendship.

Overall I am feeling more and more positive. My sense of joy, happiness, excitement, confidence and sense of security are increasing everyday little by little. Its a very slight diffrence but I can definately tell a diffrence when I compare how I feel now to how I felt last week. I'm becoming who I want to be and it feels really good.

Thought replacements
1)I shouldn't check that guy out, I'll get yelled at or made fun of.
[Should, Fortune telling]
->I'm gay and so I should be checking out other guys thats just how it works. I have checked out many guys and I haven't been yelled at or made fun of just looked at wierd but so what-if I was made fun of? If I have offended someone then I can appologize and I choose how to respond to harsh words. Its fine as long as I'm not staring and being that creepy guy.

2)I should make an attempt to talk to someone I find attractive or I'll lose the opportunity.
[Should]
->There will be many guys I find attractive and many opportunities. I won't always feel comfortable approaching those people and they won't always be open to it. I can make eye contact and smile and see how they respond and go from there. I am not desparate and I'll find someone eventually. I can get what I need from myself and relationships just compliment that.

3)I shouldn't go and tahnk the person who showed me that workout technique the last time I saw him. He'll look at me really strange.
[Should, Fortune telling]
->I want to show appreciation and people like being appreciated. What-if I said that and it became the star of a really good friendship. If he judges me or responds in a negative way I can simply accept his response and walk away because I know It would be a negative response based on his ideas and experience and thoughts and not anything to do with mine. No expectations because I can handle any response, there is no reason to prepare.

4)I should go and show my appreciation though because its the polite thing to do.
[Should]
->It would be nice but there is no obligation and he probabbly doesn't even remember me so chances are he isn't holding that against me. I also don't have to go and say it right now, I can do it another day if I want to. Considering it alone is an accomplishment.

5)My chest isn't as big after my workout as it was that day I worked out at the Eglington location so I must not be doing good enough.
[Should, All-Or-Nothing]
->Does it have to be as big as it was at its best? No, it is still bigger than it was before I started working out today so I must be doing it right and I can feel great about that.

6)I need to get home, I need to leave now or I won't get everything I want done and then I'll stay up later than I want.
[Should, All-or-Nothing]
->Its only 4:30 and I'm hoping to get to sleep by 11 so I still have 6.5 hours left and what do I have left to do? Listen to lesson 6, use the relaxation cd and buy groceries. I can use the relaxation cd right now, listen to lesson 6 on my way home and grocery shop on my way home as well. I have lots of time and I'm going to enjoy it.

7)Oh no, I am too late to pick up the trazadone, I should've picked it up but I didn't and I ran out of pills. Now its going to be too hard to get through tomorrow.
[Magnification]
->It may have been more helpful to refill the prescription before it emptied and I can definately do that in the future but thats not how it turned out this time and thats alright. Tomorrow may be harder but not impossible and I have the skills to handle those negative and obsessive thoughts when they come up. I will be alright and allow room for the thoughts and the extra anxiety. I may feel more uncomfortable but I'll get through tomorrow just like I have when I wasn't on the meds.

8)My abs aren't burning from yoga so I must not be working hard enough and so I won't have those nice abs that I want.
[Should, All-Or-Nothing]
->My abs have already gotten alot bigger over this past year and they didn't burn everytime I worked them out so that itself proves that I don't need the burn. Everytime I work them out they get stronger and bigger. The only diffrence is that when they burn they grow a little quicker and stronger than they would without it. I can simply add more weight or switch routines to get that effect.

9)I want to show my appreciation but I won't be able to get the words out of my mouth and then I'll look stupid and the other person will make me feel bad.
[Minimization, Magnification, fortune telling]
->I have made complete sentences many times and sometimes I do get really anxious and have to take my time, I stutter at times as well as the odd time I just forget mid sentence but thats ok because everybody has those moments, I just have them alot more often then alot of people but so what. I don't even remember the last time someone made fun of me for it but that doesn't matter because thats what is suppose to happen, the anxiety can be very distracting and really it is only the fear of it that makes it happen. If I get too anxious I can simply let the other person know that I suffer with social anxiety and people understand that and can relate to anxiety. The worst thing that can happen is I'm judged and made fun of which I can either choose to let bother me or not.

10)That person online is going to take my message the wrong way and think I'm creepy.
[Fortune telling, Mind reading]
->People like being appreciated and I was speaking from my heart, I specifically said I didn't expect anything and I got an amazing response in return. It really looks like the beginning of a great friendship and I would have just felt bad about myself and missed out on this opportunity if I didn't listen to it.



Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087

You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:30 pm

Mike,
Me too, I hope I can remember to be assertive when I need to!

With my sister, its not really arguing, it starts out funny, cuz she can be really funny. Then she says something that causes her to get all serious, and then she wants to become perfectly honest. Then is when its time for assertive behavior :D It either goes to poor me, or I had to do everything, the anger stuff. I've learned to get out as I have tried to reason with her, but its pointless as the next day either she don't remember or she is very sorry. I mostly am cool and as I don't drink anymore I get it. So I do it as much to save her from all the head aches it can bring.

Oh I had my mom take the test. She scored HIGH (69)! No surprise there. I offered her to take one tape at a time, and do the program. I told her she will feel better for doing it. She said maybe this winter? I hope she will. ;)

I had another growth spurt, practice opportunity myself.
Long story, I'll make it short as I can. My baby donkey has a growing issue that I have the vet involved in solving. It could be a nutritional problem or hereditary issue. We are trying to track down food first. Our vet took Hay sample. Also a water sample.( 2 actually, 0ne from the house with softened water one from barn with just well water)
He called me yesterday, and many good things came back. One bad, our house water has a very high reading of Potassium chloride! That is what we use to soften the water with. I heard this and went "oh my God what is it doing to us!" He said to check with our Dr. It freaked me out, and I started trying to connect dots, like maybe this is why I feel this way or why I feel that way. I wanted to go on line and look it up, but I couldn't I know I would scare the jeebers out of myself. :eek: I called my husband and he said we have been drinking it for 15 years, we are not sick. Well me being me, says maybe out softener is broke, and dumping high levels into our water. Then I went crazy trying to contact the health dept for our county, press 1,2,3 on and on. They said call a well driller! :?
I called my Dr. to see what these levels will do, of coarse the nurse said he said, don't drink it, buy bottled water. He also wants us to come in for a blood draw to see how our potassium levels are. Another OMG!
My husband said work your program. So I did. I realized, I feel fine, and is this all facts or am I over reacting. I need to find out facts. So I have calmed myself down. I bought some bottled water, have a technician going to come out to see if our unit is working properly. I have a Dr. appt. next Tuesday to draw blood, both of us. And we may have to consider a new way to deal with our water. Its not a emergency, One day at a time, and one thing will be based on another. Its been ruff but I'm feeling much better! :)
My baby donk may have a selenium deficiency. We are testing his blood. Our feed marked higher than average. Maybe something good will come out of this whole ordeal.

WOW you had a scary dream. Next time don't run from him. Stand there, tell him your not afraid of him anymore! He can't hurt you you are grown. You are strong, healthy, confident. And stand there and let him speak. See what he does then. That would be my plan! How dare he come in MY dream!
Good Thought replacement too!I'm so glad your feeling more positive too! Good job, Mike. ;)
Glad you took the time to contact someone who had a positive effect on you, good deal. It made him feel good, and maybe a new friend? Good for doing what was inside you to do! YAY!

THH
Posts: 860
Joined: Mon May 10, 2010 10:53 am

Post by THH » Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:40 pm

JJ
Hi, glad you dropped in! :)
I agree with your post! Well said.

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