The Challenge...Lesson 6

[NinjaFrodo]

I know that negative emotions are just messages that something is wrong and needs to change either with my perception, my communication or my behavior. I work with that message instead of feeling sorry for myself and I do what I can to change it.

I went through lesson 6 in the workbook and I figured it would be a good idea to discuss the parts that it says to fill in. I think we can learn alot from each other's anger experiences and I encourage everybody to join in with me.

In the self-evaluation section I scored a 58, this means I can get angry fairly easily. Sometimes it depends on my mood and physical health.

Also I did the part where it says to list 2 examples of when someone or something made me feel angry. Then answer the following questions; How did you respond to the situation? What results were you hoping for? Did you get them? How could you have been more effective and less affected?

Situation #1
I made dinner for my friend but I hadn't used the right sized dish when I cooked it in the oven and so the rice was mushy instead of the normal texture one might expect with rice. This friend saw it and yelled at me for not thinking. I felt bad, I got angry and yelled at him for being perfectionistic and that he should at least try it. I just wanted to be appreciated because I did something nice for him, I wanted him to not put so much pressure on me as well. He tried the food but didn't thank me and nothing changed because the same thing happened the next time I cooked.

What I could have done was taken a breather, enjoyed the meal regardless of if he ate it or not and talked to him the next day. I could have said thank you for having me over but I'm feeling really unappreciated and bad about myself after you had yelled at me when I messed up on making dinner and then refused to eat it. I don't like feeling this way and I would rather talk this out then feel resentful towards you so what can we do to change this and prevent it from happening again?


Situation #2
A friend of mine invited everybody but me to a party on Canada day. He had invited me less and less to his get togethers for awhile but then but I hadn't really said anything and when I heard he had a party planned and invited his friends, our mutual friends and my friends that he had just met through me but not me I got immediately upset and called his phone. There was no answer so I left him a message in a very angry tone of voice saying something along the lines of I just found out he is having a party and why he decided to invite everybody including my friends to the event and not me. I wanted to be included, I wanted consideration, respect and an appology. I was included last minute, lied to, disrespected and he went on to continue to invite the friends of mine he had met to get togethers and not me.

I could have taken a 24 hour time out to calm myself down and then just keep trying to get ahold of him. If I didn't get ahold of him then I could just accept it and make other plans. If I did get ahold of him I could have mentioned how I noticed there was a party and how I wasn't invited. I felt really hurt and excluded when I saw that and I need to know what is actually going on.



Mike

[THH]

Mike,
I do understand your sister thing. Its never easy dealing with a family member.

I got his on my email today from mid West Center, timing was good I'll post.

If you struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, I know something about you.

You are a perfectionist with a keen, analytical mind. You are emotionally sensitive, especially to the feelings of others. And, your expectations are literally making you sick with stress and anxiety.

Let me explain.

So much of your anxiety is caused by not being able to live up to your own expectations. You expect all the people in your life to be honest, sincere and caring. You expect your parents to be proud of you, your siblings to love you unconditionally, and your children and spouse to understand your pressures. You expect life to be fair. You expect good things to happen to good people and bad people to be punished. Right?

Gee, wouldn't that be a perfect world!


Listen, the world will never be perfect and neither will you.

Listen, the world will never be perfect and neither will you. Instead of constantly striving to be perfect you need to strive to get comfortable with living in an imperfect world.

You can't possibly be in control of everything at all times so you can't always achieve exactly what you want. Things aren't always fair and nothing is ever 'perfect.' The truth of the matter is – life has no guarantees. Nothing is fair. You don't always get what you deserve. And very often, you get the very opposite of what you deserve. Life is fickle that way…

Let's look at some examples of expectations that can set you up for anxiety and stress:

- "I should clean my house more." (Who says you should?)

- "I should plan better meals and cook more often." (Again, says who? Are these two "shoulds" things you would like to do or just feel that you have to do?)

- "I expect my parents to recognize my achievements." (It would be nice if they did, but you cannot control this. Realize that if they don't, it is some lack on their part, not yours. Don't take this personally.)

- "I deserve to be treated with respect." (Yes you do. But, you won't always get it, deserved or not.)

And less you think otherwise, I am not suggesting that you should have low or no expectations for yourself at all. What I am saying is that when expectations get out of line, stress is the result. People pleasing, perfectionist behaviors, mind reading and 'should' thinking , each highlighted in the examples above, will never lead you to inner peace.

So, how can we recognize and cope with unrealistic expectations? I will share more on that tomorrow. Till then…

Reading it put more things in order for me. Also a good way not to get angry over things we have no control over. We can't control how other people view us, react to us, and we can not take these things personal. I know I do at times, and get angry for doing it. I can beat myself up bad, but it don't change the situation.

It will be very interesting, as my mother and sister think sooo much alike.( Of coarse I have to be the odd thinker)LOL, I have talk to one and then the other back to back and it amazes me it is as talking to one. The reactions are alike. It can be a good thing at times, but a bad time, whew... a real drain on me emotionally. That is why I was thankful for your statement about feeling overwhelmed and my lesson about assertiveness. It will be key to my success, going though this holiday season, and every other thing that comes up in the future.

Yeah I'm doing the best I can to dwell on the positive feelings, I'm cultivating them more and more everyday.

So Good Mike, me too...

[THH]

Sorry that took up alot of space. The quote was good though.

I scored 40. This means I'm less angry than most, and I don't stay angry for long.

Situation #1. My sister & mom, make my problems seam like they have no value. They explain my things away, you have a caring husband,( Like I don't need anyone else for support) at least you don't have to get up at 4:00 in the am and drive 2 hours to work. You don't have a "real job" on and on...

I would respond by, shutting up. Feeling beat up, angry as if it were either of them having a problem, poor girl. Her husband this and that, she trys so hard, I feel so bad, on and on. If I have my Gall Bladder out, do I really need that surgery? If I need dental work, its money they want from you. I think you get the drift of where this always goes. Those two have had the worst everything, always. And I do love them, and want the best for them. So my anger turns inward and lives there.

My results I wanted were, sympathy, encouragement,
Did I get it. No.

How I could have handled it.
I could of ask, Could you give me some sympathy, a little encouragement? I think I need that right now.


I'm learning...

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. I may may get lost sometimes, but I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my thoughts. Only I can change my life.


The last 2 days have not been very good....yesterday I was just a bit edgy all day...needed to go to the fruit store about 1/2 mile away..I got there, couldnt go in, and came back home....nothing seemed to help with the feelings of doom, they just kinda lingered..

Today, my counselor came over and that went well...then I decided I needed to try the fruit store again.....it was very difficult, I wanted to run, but I went inside and got what I needed.....I then tried to go to the drugstore, but it was like 2pm and the traffic was starting to get to be too much for me.....also, for some reason I am more comfortable driving after dark......I just panic more during day driving...so I decided just to go home.....I was still edgy today.....I then tried to go to the drugstore around 8pm....made it to the parking lot and really started to panic....I actually yelled at my daughter just because she was talking.....after dropping my kids off I just sat in the car for about 20 minutes........I was able to calm myself down....but I just dont know what is going on with me....I dont know what is bothering me......just feel like Im slipping and cant get my footing back......

I hope everyone is good....just cant concentrate right now to read and reply to posts....my mind is moving a mile a minute....

[mcshope]

Jamie,

I have been thinking on what you mentioned of anxiety being an outlet for anger. I know that depression is anger turned against oneself, anxiety is not far away from depression, so it could apply too.

I'm with you, getting angry was a "no no" growing up. I tend to be extremely sensitive, and when I am mad I cry.

I would not express anger towards someone, however I need to learn to be assertive and express my feelings.

You did good going to the office, I guess we all have good days and not so good days. I understand that it was not pleasant, however you did what you had to do despiteof the discomfort. You did good.

You are an inspiration.

Hope

[mcshope]

Hi Karen,

We all have good days and not so good days.
The lesson about anger is not an easy one, maybe it is moving things inside you.
Be patient, take into onsideration that you have been dealing with very difficult things, your ex, being sick, etc. Little by little you will feel better.

My prayers are with you.

Hope

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to THH;

Hmm they like to stick with some of the stuff already in the program, word for word plus some extra words.

The part where you expect all the people in your life to be honest, sincere and caring....all the way to the perfect world part. As well as striving to get comfortable living in an imperfect world. I've memorized that part of the lesson 4 cd. What I get the most out of that quote is that part where the person doesn't suggest that you should have low or no expectations of yourself but that when expectations get out of line, stress is the result.

No beating yourself up, feeling bad about someone else really doesn't help the situation. We want to control people because we want to control our anxiety. I think i'm getting more comfortable seeing my sister just as another person and I can't control her. I can't make her see anything or be open minded.

Oh it was your sister and your mother that were venting on you eh? Well I'm glad you found that assertiveness statement useful. I actually did something similar about 30minutes ago with my friend Mark. I did it the way I wanted to in that post where I mentioned those 2 situations and I even told him he doesn't even have to say anything and wow it is such a relief.

What you doing to cultivate the emotions and which emotions you focusing on?

Wow thats great I should worship you for your score!

Your situation sounds good how you would handle it. If I may, I would say something positive about them or how they helped me out and tell them I'm feeling really bad about how they comment with my problems and stresses. I'd say I'm feeling as if I don't have the right to feel stressed and I really don't appreciate being compared. My pain is not as much as many people's but that doesn't mean it is insignificant and doesn't matter because it matters to me. What I need from you is support and encouragement not judgement.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L;

Those feelings of doom are very hard to overcome when they start to spiral. You may have not been able to go into the fruit store, but you went to it. I may be wrong but I really think you are making your expectations too high again. Re-evaluate your goals and expectations. Are you pushing yourself too much? Are you expecting yourself to be able to handle your limitations and push yourself now as you did on your best days or are you giving yourself a break and allowing yourself to have a less productive day where you don't do as well as you have before? You're going to have both. If you are having a bad day then you know you are on track. I would be concerned if you were only going on an up streak.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

I know that negative emotions are just messages that something is wrong and needs to change either with my perception, my communication or my behavior. I work with that message instead of feeling sorry for myself and I do what I can to change it.

Tuesday;

I woke up so early in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep it was horrible. I had a dream of my great aunt who passed away and I think in the dream I was feeling sad. I also remembered a dream a couple days before where I had actually felt that bewilderment feeling in my dream and I had the power to transform diffrent objects into other objects it was strange.

One of those things I had forced myself into doing when I didn't feel like doing it was the hip-hop. I felt that It was important that I do it or I'll miss my opportunity to feel happy but when I do have to force myself, I really don't enjoy the hip-hop and I get overwhelmed and I feel bad about myself. I realized this today so I didn't force myself to do the hip-hop and instead I spent most of my day playing videogames, going online and following through with lesson 6 in the workbook.

I'm also starting to notice something, I do make a big deal and over react over little stupid things. Like if i'm ready to go out of the house and I forgot something upstairs in my room and I make a big deal about it and feel that its too hard to go back upstairs to get it and it really does cause me stress to think in this way.

After I had wrote out those 2 senarios I had realized that I did handle the first one wrong the first time. I thought I was being assertive but now that I think about it, I was somewhat talking about how I was feeling but I was also blaming the fact that I was hurting on my friend's perfectionistic attitude. I didn't make it about me, I made it about the other person and how they did things wrong. So after I wrote out how I could have handled it, I decided to put it to use. I've brought up that situation several times now with the cooking and it hadn't really gotten anywhere and only made my friend feel uncomfortable and irritated so I was going to call him but he just ended up calling me. He talked about his thanksgiving and I listened and gave my feedback and then I said that I like how we can talk like this, venting to each other and being there for each other. I also told him how I appreciated how he has always been there for me especially when I was living in the country, when he had me stay over at his place many weekends. He liked hearing that and then I starting off saying but there is something that I'm feeling bad about. I said I know I have brought this up before and said that I wouldn't talk about this but I need to say this and I have no expectations on how you react and you actually don't even have to say anything. I told him it really hurt and I felt really bad about myself when you yelled at me after I made dinner and it didn't turn out how either of us had hoped. He didn't say much but I felt alot better and I let him know that. It was such a huge relief and now I can let that go.

Relaxation
I mostly used a couple guided relaxations while I was walking to the store. It had helped a little bit and it had reminded me to slow down because I was rushing a little.

Sleep
I think i'm becoming alot more motivated to get to sleep earlier. I can definately see myself going to bed at 11pm now where as before I felt I had to stay up alot later than that. I did however get too stubborn because I really wanted to make myself pizza and well I had made it later than I expected and then ate it later than I wanted and so unfortunately I ate way too close to my destinated sleep time. So instead I stayed up feeling resentful towards myself because I wanted to get to sleep and I was feeling tired and waited for that 2 hour mark to pass after my last meal so it wouldn't affect my sleep. But I am getting there.

Goals
1)Cultivated warmth, joy and excitement by watching childrens programing on tv, watching glee and looking at pictures of really excited and happy people on my computer.

2)Cultivated warmth, joy and passion by singing while I was on my way back home

3)Cultivated confidence by being assertive and saying how I felt to my friend

4)Made pizza for the first time in my life and it tasted good..soo good I ate a whole pizza to myself.

5)I didn't push myself to go to the gym and do hip-hop.

6)Did lesson 6 in the workbook

7)Posted on the forums

8)Allowed myself to retreat into my old habits without feeling guilty about not being as productive.

9)I did run a little bit when I was on my walk to the store.

10)Gave a guy directions when he asked me.

11)Looked at pictures of buff guys in order to motivate me to keep going on my goals with exercise.

12)Allowed myself to not be as productive today and not do the thought replacements.

13)Allowed myself a break from catching negative thoughts.


Mike

[THH]

Mike,
I liked the way you said that!

Your situation sounds good how you would handle it. If I may, I would say something positive about them or how they helped me out and tell them I'm feeling really bad about how they comment with my problems and stresses. I'd say I'm feeling as if I don't have the right to feel stressed and I really don't appreciate being compared. My pain is not as much as many people's but that doesn't mean it is insignificant and doesn't matter because it matters to me. What I need from you is support and encouragement not judgement.

I will certainly remember it when I start to feel anxed. Some times I do ok when they call and my sister calls about her boss, company, husband,our mother(she worries about her) or other. I just listen and offer support, but for some reason, sometimes I just can't take it. I' get stuck on the phone for hours. So I have it in my mind, my out so to say. She drinks too, and depending on how late the call is I know what condition she maybe in. It is easy for me then, I just tell her to go to bed. I have learned early in life don't argue with a drunk person!

No need to worship on my score,lol.... It wasn't that good! I am a little older than you so I have had more time on this planet to figure a few things out, even if by trial and error. I had to let go of some things earlier in my life that were dragging me down. I guess for me I have a reservoir and when it gets full I have to empty it.
My parents divorced when I was 18 ish. The marriage lasted about 8 years longer than it should have. I had lots of anger and guilt. I also was in a bad relationship, thankfully I never married him. So when I was getting involved with my husband now, I had to have a cleansing so to speak. Dump what I could and forget about it all. Somethings didn't just fall out of the box. Time to time things would resurface. But I worked on it and buried it finally. Its a journey! Time is on our side. Many things do just fade away. Some not so.
So I guess I'm more careful what I let bother me, but still have to work all the time at it.

What you doing to cultivate the emotions and which emotions you focusing on?

I don't think I get what you mean? Re phrase?


Its good you realized you are making a big deal out of little things. I have done that as well. But I have gotten better about it, just by being aware. Yes you are catching yourself at more and more things. Thats good! I can see what things I am making choices to dwell, be hard on myself ect... Each thing that comes our way we get a choice. Until I realize this is the intersection where I can choose which way I'm going to go, I'm likely to string it all together. And be confused.

Good Goals!