Spouse's negativity making me mad

Heather P. · Post by **Heather P.** » Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:16 pm

My husband's job stresses him out; things happen that make him upset. He may have to fill in for one of his co-workers tomorrow if she doesn't show up for work. When he came home tonight I was trying to offer ways to think positively about the situation. He countered with negative thoughts. This made me angry. I even stormed out of the room.

A few minutes later, I went back in to where he was and continued the conversation with him. I asked him if being negative/angry about stuff at work that he can't do anything about makes him feel good. He said no. So I asked, wouldn't he rather feel at least less icky, if not good, about situations at work by being less reactive and more positive? He didn't seem convinced that thinking positively was a better way to be.

I'm not as mad as when I first stormed out of the room, but I'm still feeling upset about his lack of positiveness.

Help! I don't want my striving to be less reactive and more positive to clash with his negativity and put us at odds. I don't want this to hurt our marriage. Does anyone have any suggestions? Do I just keep trying to be less affected and more positive while trying to ignore his negativity?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.

Heather

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 19, 2008 6:33 pm

Hi Heather. I think you should work on yourself, not your husband. He's not about to see things the way you do and don't want to. You should probably use your skills to change the way the way you deal with him. Try to be less affected by how he acts and let him handle his own problems the way he wants to. He doesn't want to do it your way.

Focus on yourself and how you feel. We tend to get so wrapped up in everyone else's problems and trying to solve them, that we lose track of ourselves; that is one of the reasons we are going through all of this anxiety and depression in the first place.

Take care. DeeDee.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:46 pm

I hate Negative people - I am so sorry that your husband is that way to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:26 pm

Hello Heather, I just felt like I needed to let you know that you are not alone. My delemia this week has been somewhat the same area. Mine is some of my family members feel if they are having a bad day, everyone else is or we are the fault of them having a bad day. My grandson is very verbally abusive and his mother has had some personal problems at the same time. Without her knowing it she thinks the world should accomidate to her son's problems. So I was the fault to all their problems.

We have to practice the avoidance to some people. They may not be in the point of life they want to hear change their way. They like us will only be ready in their own time. I love my daughter and grandson, but I will not be their punching bag any longer.

Hang in there and don't let it bring you down.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:55 am

Heather,

I agree that you have to work on yourself. Kind of like those silly airplane oxygen masks. "First put yours on, then help the person beside you". When my husband is negative, if I can't encourage him wihtin the first minute of the conversation, I walk away and do something else. I can't afford for his negativeness to set me back. I will easily follow his negative path if I don't walk away, then things get really out of control for me. I think it's great that you try again, but be careful that you don't start to dwell on his problem and make it yours (although in a way by being married it is). You have to protect yourself. If you don't, who will???? Just say "I love you, I'm sorry things are going bad for you". Kiss him and walk away. Eventually he'll see how well you are coming along and be interested in what you ahve to say. Reallyyyyy interested! Then you can help him!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:22 am

He should listen to the "I will be there for you
CD" In it he will learn how to keep his negative
feelings from affecting you as you go thru the program.
Also I think he can also benefit from the program
Maybe both of you can go thru it together?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:27 am

Hi heather,
i am going thru something like that. i am trying to be positive than negative but my boyfriend does not have a lot of support for me due to my lack of regressing to the way that i used to after i told him i will change. i know it is a process but for me it is a hard one. i just wish he had faith in me. i know i have to show him that i am changing. i just wish he was a little more positive to me. i am not the easiest person right now to be dealing with but i do love him and dont want to lose him.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 4:08 am

I found a little saying that has helped open my eyes and wanted to share it. Horse lover, I am going to work really hard on your advise. thank you.

<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it." </span>

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 4:41 am

I really liked that last post,Heather which said :

Love the ones who treat you right.---Forget the ones who don't."

I am trying my best to be very positive ( something new by the way for me)
but if my situation does not change, I will simply leave the angry, profane
and abusive person she has become. I believe she thinks I am too "chicken"
to do that. But I told her I am working on my problem and she better get help as well
if she wants me around till Gabriel lows his trumpet. I wish you the best life can offer.
Phillip Hudson

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:08 am

I guess if we all made RIGHT decisions, Life would be perfect!
But we dont, and although we hurt when wrong decisions are made, we are learning! Part of growing and wisdom comes from all the decisions and choices we make.
Philip, I dont know your situation, But i do know you can never change another person. But, you can change yourself, how you deal with others and situations your in. This program has helped me so much with my life in those areas.
As much as we would love the person we love to be more this or that,, unless they are willing to change, it wont happen. But you can begin taking care of YOU! I wish you the best! Nelly