relationship problems, dont know what to do
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Guest
To summarize further. I did try to hang on. I did become the scape goat for everything about the relationship being so down hill. It just continued to drive me crazy just when everything seemed to be fine, days later I was back on the hot seat. It was turning into pure insanity. By all means this might not be your case. I just feel ya. I was in a 18 year marriage previously that really was healthy for maybe 10 of those years. As some more advice read here tonight goes, I don't believe I ever really got to that place of knowing my depression and how it works and reacting to it and truly loving me. That may have made the full 18 years a success. I'm determined this time before I lose the next possible mate of my dreams. I relate to what your feeling!
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Guest
Yeah.. to mhaz, the thing is, it doesn't seem like I can help very much that I get upset. And when I do, it ruins her life and she gets upset, doesn't wanna even look at me. I mean I can help that I get upset, it's not like I'm just using anxiety as an excuse to yell as much as I want, but that's how she treats me. She's said to me several times, You must want to fight with me cause I can't see any other reason. And she says she always believes me but if she says stuff like that I don't understand how she can. And no, I don't like being called bi-polar, but if I am bi-polar, why would I only be that way around her sometimes? My moods change probably as much as anyone on this forum. And I always feel really bad about upsetting her, and I've made her cry several times before. I didn't mean to, and the thing is she frequently sounds like shes being mean or nasty, and I take it as being that way, and then get upset and she says I have no reason for being upset. But no matter what its very hard for me to not ever react to her tone of voice at least sometimes. It's just so frustrating. I don't know what to do. For like a week now I haven't really wanted to go over and see her, or talk to her that much. I don't know if that's because I don't love her like I used to, or because of our rough time on vacation. She wants me to talk to a counselor about my problems, but this is what it feels like to me. I feel really bad about upsetting her, but the way she reacts sometimes it feels like I can't help it. She got mad at me for not visiting her this past week and said 'my friends care about me and come visit me' and it really does feel like a guilt-trip.
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Guest
Cornflower has given some very wise counsel. Some of us, maybe most of us with emotional problems, are very needy. That usually means our needs have not been met as children and we still don't know how to meet them as adults. This results in low-self esteem which shows up in the form of seeking to inappropriately control everyone and everything in our environment. We can be too dependent on people and circumstances, external forces, for our self esteem. It has to be internally generated for us to be stable and emotionally balanced and not so dependent upon external forces, people and circumstances. The program teaches how to develop internally generated self-esteem and a lot more.
One other thing. In today's society sex is over rated. You don't need to sleep with someone in a relationship to care about them or get to know them. My parents were good models in that respect, married for 60 years until their death. I've managed 31 years thus far myself and never had sex with anyone but my wife. I am very thankful to the girlfriends I dated before marriage. They kept sex out of the relationship. I didn't particulary like it at the time, but can see the wisdom of it from hindsite and am grateful for their committment to abstinence. Today's society, in my opinion, is being sold a bill of goods, a dog that won't hunt, when it comes to sex. You don't need it before marriage, that's a lie. And if you break up and have had sex, it has the potential to only compound the emotional problems. I realize there is a difference of opinion on this. That's simply mine based on practical experience that has worked for me.
One other thing. In today's society sex is over rated. You don't need to sleep with someone in a relationship to care about them or get to know them. My parents were good models in that respect, married for 60 years until their death. I've managed 31 years thus far myself and never had sex with anyone but my wife. I am very thankful to the girlfriends I dated before marriage. They kept sex out of the relationship. I didn't particulary like it at the time, but can see the wisdom of it from hindsite and am grateful for their committment to abstinence. Today's society, in my opinion, is being sold a bill of goods, a dog that won't hunt, when it comes to sex. You don't need it before marriage, that's a lie. And if you break up and have had sex, it has the potential to only compound the emotional problems. I realize there is a difference of opinion on this. That's simply mine based on practical experience that has worked for me.
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Guest
We had dinner today and talked a little, and we seemed to have come to an agreement of sorts. She was upset cause she just thought I didn't want to see her and didn't see why. I told her I need to sort things out on my own, so hopefully things work out. She also said that maybe if we both really try things will fix, but I know that can't really happen cause we've tried it before. As long as she gives me enough space to figure this out I think we will be fine. We had just been fighting so much that it was hard to even see back to why we loved eachother or how much I loved her in the first place. I think that I used to push myself to always go over her place, and deep down I didn't really want to be over that often. I think she just wanted to get a lot more serious a lot sooner than me, and being that its my first relationship it just seems like I shouldn't rush things. I already know what happens with that. Thanks you guys for your advice. Hopefully things work out.
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Guest
Hey just wanted to update this...
we broke up this week only a few days ago actually... I think it was sunday. It seemed like all of a sudden I was just like... this isn't worth it. I just can't help expressing myself when I'm upset or feel insulted. A lot of the things she has said over the course of our relationship has hurt me because they seem sarcastic, or mean, or just hurtful. Usually not mean, but just little things that really add up over time. One thing I had asked her about was, what are you going to the store for?
she responded: groceries, obviously
I ask any of you, how would you interpret that?
Especially since our relationship was hurting for awhile? I asked her was she being sarcastic or something and she said no, and later said i was 'picking a fight' by asking that. A LOT of stuff like that. I can't help it if I feel offended, i have to ask if she meant it that way at least. Anyway, i was a bit upset off and on the past couple days, but not too sad to be honest. It feels like a weight is off my shoulders now, and I feel more relaxed, and less stressed out. I thought it was all college and classes that was stressing me out but it was the relationship. I just don't get her and can't stand being called crazy or that im always starting fights. Thanks guys for your advice. I've been listening a lot to the tapes and it has also really been helping.
we broke up this week only a few days ago actually... I think it was sunday. It seemed like all of a sudden I was just like... this isn't worth it. I just can't help expressing myself when I'm upset or feel insulted. A lot of the things she has said over the course of our relationship has hurt me because they seem sarcastic, or mean, or just hurtful. Usually not mean, but just little things that really add up over time. One thing I had asked her about was, what are you going to the store for?
she responded: groceries, obviously
I ask any of you, how would you interpret that?
Especially since our relationship was hurting for awhile? I asked her was she being sarcastic or something and she said no, and later said i was 'picking a fight' by asking that. A LOT of stuff like that. I can't help it if I feel offended, i have to ask if she meant it that way at least. Anyway, i was a bit upset off and on the past couple days, but not too sad to be honest. It feels like a weight is off my shoulders now, and I feel more relaxed, and less stressed out. I thought it was all college and classes that was stressing me out but it was the relationship. I just don't get her and can't stand being called crazy or that im always starting fights. Thanks guys for your advice. I've been listening a lot to the tapes and it has also really been helping.
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Guest
Originally posted by Don57:
Cornflower has given some very wise counsel. Some of us, maybe most of us with emotional problems, are very needy. That usually means our needs have not been met as children and we still don't know how to meet them as adults. This results in low-self esteem which shows up in the form of seeking to inappropriately control everyone and everything in our environment. We can be too dependent on people and circumstances, external forces, for our self esteem. It has to be internally generated for us to be stable and emotionally balanced and not so dependent upon external forces, people and circumstances. The program teaches how to develop internally generated self-esteem and a lot more.
One other thing. In today's society sex is over rated. You don't need to sleep with someone in a relationship to care about them or get to know them. My parents were good models in that respect, married for 60 years until their death. I've managed 31 years thus far myself and never had sex with anyone but my wife. I am very thankful to the girlfriends I dated before marriage. They kept sex out of the relationship. I didn't particulary like it at the time, but can see the wisdom of it from hindsite and am grateful for their committment to abstinence. Today's society, in my opinion, is being sold a bill of goods, a dog that won't hunt, when it comes to sex. You don't need it before marriage, that's a lie. And if you break up and have had sex, it has the potential to only compound the emotional problems. I realize there is a difference of opinion on this. That's simply mine based on practical experience that has worked for me.
I just had the opportuninty to read this post and would just like to say for the record, What a fantastic post it is. Nobody commented on this post from Don57 so I am commenting on it now.
Thank you for a fantastic post Don57.
Hello all,
I have been in the same position with my boyfriend and we live together. And I disagree on most points. I don't think the solution is to quit. I think the key is to work through it. The truth is relationships are hard for everyone, not just people with anxiety. Although for us they are much more difficult. But I think many people quit far too easily because they want instant gratification. The truth is there is no perfect match and I think the marriages and relationships that last, do last because the people who are in them expect it to be a struggle and are willing to work at it.
I think human person, you should always think about whoever you're with-- is this person going to support me with this problem? They should. My boyfriend does. In fact we plan to get married. I explain to him every step of the way what this program is and what the symptoms of anxiety are and yes he gets angry and we fight, but it's not a deal breaker for us. He sees me recovering and trying as well and I think if someone truly loves you then that's how it should be.
I get paranoid all the time and deals with it. We get angry at each other because of how I act and I know I have to work on it, but we keep going. I think the key is having a supportive partner.
Someone also told me on this forum that the key to recovery is to build up your own self esteem. If you feel good, chances are you'll treat your significant other better.
Hope that helps!
I have been in the same position with my boyfriend and we live together. And I disagree on most points. I don't think the solution is to quit. I think the key is to work through it. The truth is relationships are hard for everyone, not just people with anxiety. Although for us they are much more difficult. But I think many people quit far too easily because they want instant gratification. The truth is there is no perfect match and I think the marriages and relationships that last, do last because the people who are in them expect it to be a struggle and are willing to work at it.
I think human person, you should always think about whoever you're with-- is this person going to support me with this problem? They should. My boyfriend does. In fact we plan to get married. I explain to him every step of the way what this program is and what the symptoms of anxiety are and yes he gets angry and we fight, but it's not a deal breaker for us. He sees me recovering and trying as well and I think if someone truly loves you then that's how it should be.
I get paranoid all the time and deals with it. We get angry at each other because of how I act and I know I have to work on it, but we keep going. I think the key is having a supportive partner.
Someone also told me on this forum that the key to recovery is to build up your own self esteem. If you feel good, chances are you'll treat your significant other better.
Hope that helps!