Stress Center Peer Support

Hi, I'm new here and new to the program.
I have always had anger issues. But lately I find myself so angry all the time at just about everyone and everything. I get cray if my computer doesn't work right, if I can't open a door or I drop something ect. I have road rage whether I'm driving or just a passenger. I also have what I call store rage, when I'm at a store if someone blocks my way or won't move or moves too slowly on purpose, I get angry. If someone looks at me the "wrong" way I get angry, I get really angry if they jump in line before I do and then I want "revenge". You name it, I'm angry and sometimes ready for a fight. I get angry in restaurants, movie theaters, really any where other people are at. Sometimes I flip people off or if someone I perceive "challenges" me, I scream at them and act crazy all the while hoping they back down. It's to the point that I can't stand going out in public anywhere anymore because I can't stand people and I am afraid because of my anger that I may end up getting myself or someone I love that is with me, hurt or killed by someone that is crazier than I.
I need and want to get a handle on this, but I just don't know how.
To me everyone is a rude jerk and totally inconsiderate. Funny thing is my husband never has a problem out in public which makes me feel that there is something about me that always seems to draw negative rude behavior from others. I'm not that way to other people, I try to be very considerate and mind my own business yet it always happens to me. I'm not a trouble maker and I don't look for trouble it just seems it's in my face all the time.
I do get angry with my husband and kids sometimes, but I try very had to control it. I love them dearly and don't want to be that way with them.
Sometimes I'm snappy and get frustrated and go off, but I'm always sorry afterward.
I know a lot of this stems from my childhood. Growing up I was physically and emotionally abused mostly by my Mother, but my Dad could be at times too. We were burdens to her and something she didn't want to be bothered with. My Dad worked away from home so he was hardly ever around.
I was very lonely as a child even though I had a younger sister to play with. School was a total nightmare. From the beginning I had problems.
I was an outcast. I was shy, quiet and timid and kids were cruel. I had an older sister that was profoundly retarded that lived at home with us and I was teased about her all the time. In sixth grade I was beat up by a gang of girls and the bullying never stopped. I hated school and never wanted to go. My Mother transferred me to different schools but I was still always the social misfit. I got pregnant at 16 just so I didn't have to go to school anymore.
As a young woman I made some really stupid choices in my life, but I did finally get it together and I honestly have a pretty good life now despite of myself. I do suffer from mild depression and anxiety. I know my anger comes from years of crawling and putting up with others bad treatment of me and I get really angry at myself if I let it happen now. I'm not an assertive person at all. I haven't a clue of how to be.
I get timid and scared then freak out and get angry. I hope this program can help, but honestly sometimes listening to the Cd's makes me angry.
I get irritated listening to Lucinda's voice and the group sessions are annoying. The males voices though seem soothing. Crazy huh?

Your life sounds so like mine. I don't get angry though I panic and hide. I wish I could get angry and face the problem head on. I think the reason Lucinda's voice makes you angry is because she is female like your mother. Do you have anything to do with your mother to day? I try avoiding mine. I get anxious if I see that it is her calling(caller ID). I have swore in the past I should have been a man because I can talk to men with no problem but women are extremely irritating to me. I avoid them. I think this is because of my mother.

Your childhood sounds very similar to mine. I have probelms with anger when out and about too. I tend to hide though too. I try to remember to breath and keep my focus on WHY I've gone to the store or where I'm driving to. When shopping, I keep a list and check it often. It keeps you distracted and focused on what your doing there. That seems to help me.

Missy

Thank you for your reply. I never thought about it before but I think you hit the nail on the head. I too have a very difficult time getting along with women, always have. To be honest, I only have one female friend. I do tend to get along better with men. My Mother and I were constantly butting heads and not speaking to each other. She would be OK for so long and then something would trigger her and we would be into a battle and then not speak.

She died last year in May, we were not on speaking terms when she died and I have been having a hard time dealing with that because I have such mixed emotions. I get so angry for everything she did, yet I'm very sad and feel guilty. I did love her and I don't doubt that in her own way, she loved me. She just didn't know how to be a Mother I guess. I hope you and your Mother can come to an understanding. I wish you the best.

Thank you peaceseeker, I like your Moniker. Good advice and definitely something I need to try. Taking a few deep breaths and even walking away would be better for me than the way I handle things, I know. I do find if I don't make eye contact I'm better off. Sometimes acting oblivious to others around does help but only for so long.

Wow! Reading your post, I was stunned at how much your story sounds like mine. I didn't have some of the struggles you had in childhood, but as far as the anger and constant irritation at everyone/everything, that could have been me writing it. Like you, I've never been naturally assertive, but at the same time I get very angry if I perceive that I'm being disrespected or imposed on in any way. When I do finally assert myself, it's usually not in a calm constructive way, but instead it comes out snide and b*tchy.

Your comments about road rage and "store rage" are also something I can relate to. I find myself putting off going shopping sometimes for that reason. Recently, I've even found myself distancing myself from family members because of things they've done wrong (or that I perceive they've done wrong). I haven't gotten annoyed with the CDs and DVDs yet, but give me time.

I've realized for quite some time that the problem is truly with me, and that the only person I'm hurting with all this anger is myself. I think the more lonely, weak and defective I feel, the angrier I get at everyone around me. Of course realizing this and actually changing the thoughts in my head are two different things, and I haven't been able to do it on my own. I'm very hopeful that this program will help me with changing some of the thought processes. I feel I've wasted so much time and so many opportunities feeling insecure and angry, and I really want to changes things for the better.

Dear JEF07: You do have control to live your life how you want to. It's ok to have emotions - who wants to be a robot and feel nothing? But I believe it is up to you, not the bully girls, not your mom/dad, not your sister to be the person you want to be. Good luck with the program.

I have the wow factor happening too. Your story sounds so much like me. Angry at everything, everyone, and always around rude people. My husband jokes that I have a crazy magnet that attracts those types to me. It seems I can't go anywhere without something happening. Getting cut off in traffic, cut off in line at stores, people blocking the aisles, bad drivers, or overall rude people. I am so tired of being mad at everyone, and mad all day. I try to be patient. I try to say that it is their problem, take pride in the way I handle myself in public and treat people, and imagine maybe that person is having a really bad day. Like I caught them at a terrible moment. Sometimes that works, sometimes it does'nt. It is scary to be so angry all the time. It makes me worried what I'll do, or what someone else might do to me.
When I go shopping I focus on me, my daughter, and what we are there for. Lately I have been shaking the situations off. Not letting it get to me. And if it is really bad, I just walk away or slow down in my car to get away from the dangerous driver.
I too had problems in school. I wasn't popular, and we were very poor. We live in a smaller city, and I lived in the worst trailer court in town. Everybody knew it, and the kids were mean. My mom worked or slept, and my dad was totally out of the picture. It was hard, but I am proud of myself for keeping a level head and behaving the way I knew I should. It was my life and future on the line. They could say what they wanted, but I could choose how to react. It wasn't easy, but I told myself they didn't matter. They would graduate and be nobodies like me. Not that I was a nobody, but prom queen doesn't matter at college or in the adult world.
Hang in there everyone. I am also hoping this program can help with the anger, stress, and depression. I think they are all related. I got walked on my whole life, and I think I've had enough. We just need to learn to find the middle ground. Not get walked on, but not be ready to explode on the one person who slights us. I am talking to myself too.
Good luck and stay calm.

RKat, I know what you mean. I distance myself from family members and friends because I don't know how to deal with a problem in a constructive way. In the end I'm left feeling lonely and miserable and nothing ever gets resolved. My husband can't understand why I let people and things get to me so. I don't know either. I so understand when you stated that your anger hurts you the most. I know most people out there couldn't care less and wouldn't give me a second thought so why I let them get the best of me I'll never know. Here's hoping this program will work for us. Best of luck to you.

CSpintop, thanks for the encourageing words.

Corr, you made me lol about the crazy magnet.
It does seem like some people (myself) are targets for jerks. I often wonder what signal I'm sending off to people that says, mess with me? I have tried giving people the benefit of the doubt, but that only goes so far.
It's a rough world out there and one really needs to have a thick skin to survive it. Best of luck to everyone.