Yay the yo-yo effect...back and forth between fearing the body symptoms and then recognizing and accepting the symptoms...I keep falling back into the idea that situations and circumstances themselves are really scary and dangerous and produce anxiety when in all reality it is just my own perception. I'm still afraid of the body symptoms but I am more aware that they are there because something is bothering me (Step 1 of the 6 steps). I'm also seeing that yes what is bothering me is often different from the original thoughts.
For instance....I was trying to do some exercise today (running) and it started out feeling ok but then I felt aweful and it seemed to just get worse and I was listening to music and many memories and thoughts of past situations and one possible future situation flooded into my mind....but what was really bothering me (Step 6)? Well this was interesting and I actually had to get home first and eat and let this question sit for awhile....I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten anything besides an apple before I left for my run, or maybe I didn't want to run and instead wanted to do another exercise....well I figured out that yeah I didn't really want to run today but underneath that I realize that I actually have been doing waaaaaaaaaay too much stuff when it comes to facing the anxiety that I hadn't let myself do enjoyable things like watch tv shows or play videogames or anything like that. I was resenting myself for that and I was putting so much on my plate not because I wanted to get better but because I am trying to run away from the spacy feelings again. Its like, I don't want to feel these things so I"m going to do everything I physically and mentally can in order to get over this as fast as humanly possible although like MapleLane I was trying to be super human! Well i'm still being scared of them and its still going to keep me stuck because it really is me fleeing and what is anxiety? Anxiety is apart of the fight or flight response, it gets triggered by trying to do either and i'm trying to run from the anxiety, i'm trying to run from myself.
One thing that MapleLane mentioned was some of her more hidden shoulds and it does make me realize that yeah alot of those are what are still keeping me trying to run away from my spacy feelings. I have several limitations but the only ones that really scare me are the social ones and I think alot of that has to do with the shoulds. I have a fear of heights but I know I can get over that one and be fine, I'm not too scared of attempting that but when it comes to being around other people and facing my social anxiety, I'm afraid that i'm not going to be able to measure up to my own expectations and what-if people catch me on that and try to nail me for not doing that because in their own minds they may have the same kinds of expectations...and some people do (perfectionism, not making sense, being slow to respond), but also some people may see some of my weaknesses and what-if they try to attack them, I know when I get into that anxious state, I am all foggy brained and then many times if the person tries to make me look like i'm wrong with how I approach them in my assertiveness, I may actually take that on just out of my own doubt when in that anxious state. I have however gotten to a point in my very first run through where the anxiety spike lasted for less than a minute and I was calm even when someone was yelling at me...but I think it kind of helped that I thought he was an idiot already, it kept me from taking what he said seriously (although I know thats not really such a good thing to label people as idiots). I think I've seen other people use that defence before as well.
Its not really the task, the person or the circumstances that cause the anxiety...alot of it we create with our thoughts and our imaginations...and to keep that in mind I have actually added this picture along with the 6 steps;
Tomorrow I will be facing a limitation and that is singing in front of people but i'm not doing it so much because it is a limitation as much as I really love to sing and its great to have people who listen while I do it and I do like the clapping after as well! There is also the possibility that I run into my X karaoke buddy whom I had a falling out. So we'll see how that goes, I'm going to psyche myself up as much as I can, I'm going to carry around the 6 steps as well as a few other cards to help me out and i'm going to do thought replacements and exercise and I'll be with some friends that I feel comfortable with. I'm feeling a bit anxious about it but kind of excited too because i'll be doing the thing that I love to do the most which is sing.
Thought replacements;
1)When I send a message to people on facebook or Plenty of fish, they should respond back because its the polite thing to do and vice versa
Should
It would be nice if people did resopnd back because I wanted to talk to them but they don't have to talk to me if they really don't want to, they don't owe me anything and I also don't have to respond if I don't want to either and it doesn't mean anything except that me or the other person just don't want to talk right now and thats ok.
2)If i'm a good person then I should be accepted by everyone
should
Not everyone is going to like me no matter how positive, kind, compassionate, successful, loving, right or "perfect" that I am. Some people are going to find things in me that bother them no matter what and sometimes they could even be bothered by how well I'm doing because they're jealous. Also some people I just won't mesh with because our lifestyles, morals and beliefs are different.
3)My friend got angry at me and stopped being my friend because of how I was so I shouldn't have been that way, i'm bad for being that way, it just pushes people away.
Personalization, Overgeneralization
It really isn't my fault that I am the way that I am right now and that I'm struggling with many things, guilt included...this doesn't make me a bad person its just sometimes people don't understand and don't tolerate it well and choose to leave. Their response doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make them a bad person either and not everybody responds exactly the same way as he did.
4)What-if I start living in the moment and I become more observant and I notice more people being nasty to me and I feel the full affect of it and don't know what to do and then can't handle it?
Magnification/minimization
People aren't out there waiting for me to come around so they can be mean to me and treat me badly and besides, I have the skills to deal with the thoughts and feelings and if i'm in the moment, I'll be better prepared and in a better position to respond well because I'll be responding from a place of clarity instead of a place of bewilderment and confusion.
Mike