Ninjafrodo's runthrough lesson 5

[NinjaFrodo]

Alright already at lesson 5 and am still going. I get doubtful alot but I don't stay in it the way I did in the past and am going to keep going no matter what happens.

I am paying more attention to my foods not just for the program but for building muscle because I am regular when it comes to the gym already but I didn't really do cardio on a daily basis. I do hip-hop 2-3X a day and that really makes me feel good but I feel that I do need to step it up and do cardio everyday and get my heart rate just like they say.

I started this lesson yestaurday and I did get on the tredmill in the afternoon and it did feel good to do that. I used the lesson of expectation to come up with realistic goals, things that would help motivate me. I would warmup and do walking for 3 minutes and then switched to a run. My first goal was to run for 1 minute and I achieved that and felt good and then went for 2 minutes, 3, 4 and then 5 I needed to take a rest. I got to feel accomplished and successful after each goal so not only did i get the endorphine feeling but also the good feelings of accomplishments too. It was definately good. I then did some ab workout and I remember thinking "This is too hard" (I hate working my abs by the way) and I switched the thought to "This is challenging, I enjoy challenges and thats what makes me grow and become bigger" and then I focused on my goal as opposed to what I needed to do and even though it didn't take away all the resistance and hate, it definately helped out alot. Its a gradual process here.

I did hip hop and I just coudln't get the routine down and I beat myself up. I thought "I should have been able to do the routine" and "I should be able to do better than everybody else becacuse I've been doing it longer than everybody here" and well no just because I have been doing it for awhile doesn't mean I am incapable of messing up and not getting it. It was a down day for me and thats ok, I'll have many other opportunities to do well with routines and I am not doing it as a competition, I'm doing it because its fun for me. I was able to make myself feel significantly better (again not completely better) and I am getting better and better at using the 6 steps and replacing thoughts on paper as well.

I'm still using the relaxation cd 2-3 times a day which is amazing for me, i used to resist it alot! I am getting sick of being in my room for as much time as I spend in it, I'm sick of not working and am thinking more about working towards getting a job and doing that through volunteer work and also getting back into shiatsu a bit, one of my hip-hop instructors wants to get shiatsu on a weekly basis and so I'm going to try it. I think i'm getting better at handling my feelings and thoughts and its good to start to really put myself into situations where I need to use the skills in order to get through and that'll help me to grow more.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Also I'm thinking more and more about the idea of figuring out and creating realistic expectations when I go and do certain activities ie. Hip-hop, Socialize or anything that may be challenging. Its so easy to just fall back and run the automatic beliefs and programing.


MIke

[NinjaFrodo]

Doing cardio feels good. When I'm on the tredmill I can only do about 5 minutes of running in a row. I've broken my goals into intervals of 30 seconds and it feels even better and I mix the cardio up. Tredmill is one cardio workout, Hip-hop is another and hot power yoga is yet another but only the tredmill I can do when I get up and it is a really awesome way to start the day.

I'm still working out the kinks when it comes to eatting properly. I'm mostly working on how to get enough protein in order to bulk up with working out using weights, it can be challenging when you're lactose intollerant like me but i'm not even sure if Its just the lactose that i'm intollerant to. I tried using lactose free milk and still I have symptoms, its annoying.

I am starting to notice that I am replacing thoughts more in my head as opposed to needing to do it on paper. Its coming quicker and a little bit more automatic but still there are times I have to put alot of conscious thought into it but it all depends on what the thought is and the situation but I'm making alot of great progress and between that and my relaxation stuff, its starting to show for other people as well or at least 2 people that have seen me...definately exciting.

My room is really messy and I'm ok with that right now. My sleep is messy but again I'm ok with that as well. I don't need to make myself feel overwhelmed in order to fix these things right now. I am going to work with my limitations and capabilities and I know that I'll be able to deal with these things soon but for now i'm just going to have to accept the reality. I am where I am in my journey and i'm done expecting myself and trying to be at the place where someone else is in their journey. I have a diffrent journey and a diffrent life so it isn't fair to compare or expect me to be living someone else's life or journey.

Things are still very much challenging but I'm making alot of progress and i'm getting to where I want to be and i'm still really motivated.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

This sounds really great, Mike! I like how you are kind to yourself and allow the feelings to come and work on expectations.
Working on simple things on at a time and yet pushing yourself. I have made two trips by myself in the last two weeks, where I rode my bike on unfamiliar territory, was around strangers and stayed alone in a hotel. But I was social with others and I also felt the loneliness and sad thoughts that going to these places brought on, as the last time I was at these places I was with my late son. So I felt the pain and loss and also make new memories with new people as well as supported another young person in her desire to overcome her pain and develop her skills.

So it was good, and yet tiring. And I feel I developed some stronger muscles. Paislee

[NinjaFrodo]

Thank you! Being kind to myself and the expectations has been a real challenge to do. I don't think I really got it until going through group and doing the program this time around...and thats after 7 years of working with the program! You'd think that maybe I would have gotten it sooner but I guess sooner wasn't the time I was able to get it or should have gotten it.

So those were really painful things huh? Its great that you were able to do those things despite the fear and the sadness and it was very important as well. So I'm assuming you are feeling more of an emotional connection with your son and his passing now?

Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike-Yes, I'm feeling a connection with my late son. I'm allowing those feelings...also I'm off of Antidepressants so I'm really feeling them. My son was an avid bike rider, so just beginning to ride a bike again really brought back memories and how he must have felt. Very free. Plus it really does make you feel good! Part of my bike rides were in beautiful state parks in a forested area. Just around people having fun and the air smelled so good.

Isn't that interesting how you are making connections with the lessons after several years since you have known about them. I think sometimes we have to go through other experiences to understand how to heal from the other bad experiences.

Today, I chose to stay home and work on my garden and go through the garden pots I bought and then was going to start a Garden Nursery with them and grow and sell plants. I didn't get support from my family and I realize, maybe I am not ready to do it right now. So I have to part with all these pots and garden supplies to have some peace from family members, stress from always thinking about having to get rid of them or how I'm not going to have this type of business right now.

It has been real freeing to start packing things pots up, clearing away the debris that has gathered on them. They aren't protected very well, that is why there is sort of an urgency to get them to a second hand store. As they are deteriotating in the sun. Not all of them, only the exposed. So I did that as best I could for today and cut down some tall thistle weeds. So I feel good and accomplished.

I still have lots of work to do, but I have started and it can only get better since the weather will start cooling down. Paislee

[Anxiety2]

Mike,

I'm starting 5 tomorrow and will let you know how it goes. I posted a reply to your topic in lesson 4, please read. My tennis thing went great.

I need to get back to an actual gym. I have lost 30 lbs. of solid muscle since this depression began 5 years ago and I'm really upset about that. I was so proud of myself when I was 185 and 9% fat. So I am trying to get back to that, but no worries as I know it will take time. I already a pretty strict on my diet, we'll see what the program has to say though. But with anxiety and stomach nausea i don't seem to be able to drink my protien shakes anymore so I try to substitute with high protien things like eggwhites and almonds and walnuts. Try a book called eat for your blood type. It's a quick read and then a big list of foods that are supposaed to be compatible with your blood type. Very interesting and my naturopath swears by that book.
"Talk" to you soon.
Mark

[NinjaFrodo]

Hey sorry it has taken me awhile to respond. How did lesson 5 go for you? And yes I read it and responded.

Thats alot of muscle mass to lose...I have never actually been down to 9% body fat! I need to do more cardio to get there.



Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mark-That is a lot of muscle mass to lose...I have the same issues with my stomach as well. I can't eat instant breakfast, on ly milk and I'm on the same diet as you, b/c it makes me feel better, and that is walnuts, almonds, eggs, and I can eat chicken, tuna, seafood, beef. But I have to watch the seasonings and anything else added that a restaurant would do. So it is hard to eat out. I really don't trust the "chicken strips" at fast food joints. So I have to be diligent to fix myself something to eat that fills me and keeps me calm.

I had been making home made chili with lean beef, onions, and a variety of beans with minimal salt. I tell my family they will have to add salt to taste. I add chick peas to this as well, so it is really healthy. I use to soak beans, but now I buy canned beans with no sodium or minimal. I even rinse them in a strainer to get rid of added sugars or salt or leave some amount of the sauce it was canned in. I've just had to that so I know for myself I have a lean and sodium free meal. I add grated cheese to my bowl which gives added flavor and some salt. I'll use I think Fritos brand of healthier corn chips, the kind with added black bean and healthy seasonings to give the chili some extra punch, but not increase anxiety symptoms.

I haven't done this yet, during the summer, due to eating lots of fruit and being out of the house or not home. Paislee

[NinjaFrodo]

Sorry Paisleegreen,
I was wondering where that post of yours was. I just wanted to say that i'm really proud of you that you are starting to allow yourself to really connect with those feelings associated with your son and how he passed away. Do you realize how big that is to your recovery? I think its really amazing. I'm actually starting to connect with the grief with present effects of the abuse I've faced, mainly when it comes to the relationships I have with my friends and the disconnections. I know it doesn't really compare with the depth of what you have lost with your son but know that i'm feeling grief as well or at least starting to.


Mike