The Challenge...Lesson 5

[SeaRunner]

Mike -

You're such a trouble-maker, LOL! It's the spirit of the promise I'm after. I don't want this to become something that causes stress for you rather than reduces it.

When I said not to keep score, I meant not to be overly critical of your performance by using all sorts of metrics, counts, and analysis. Of course you can time yourself if you like, but it doesn't have to be super accurate. Approximate distances work just fine as well. Like I mentioned earlier, I just gauged how long to run versus walk when I first started running by city blocks, which vary from place to place. Even now when I'm doing interval training (a combination of sprinting and jogging), I'll just count my steps and use that as a measure rather than having to carry or look at a watch. There are lots of options and they don't have to be perfect to work. Remember, perfection is never the goal.

Honestly, you'll probably have an easier time experimenting outside rather than on a treadmill. The reason is that outside you have instantaneous control of your speed. With a treadmill, you have to access the speed buttons and wait for the treadmill to respond. Plus, you have to know what speed to select, which is pretty difficult when you're trying to find a good pace. It's much easier to run on a treadmill AFTER you get comfortable running in general.

I was lucky that when I started running, I had someone with me that already knew all this stuff and could give me tips as I was going. You might even see if you can find a running club or someone in your gym that will help you out. It can make a huge difference.

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

Mike -

I'm actually glad that you didn't talk to your sister today at the funeral. Emotions were already high so you might not have gotten the response you might otherwise get in a less stressful situation. Sounds like you have a good plan to talk with her. You might pen out some of your questions ahead of time so that you're not fighting for words when it comes time to talk.

Jamie

[NinjaFrodo]

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and body with positive productive things

Thursday;

This has been such a hard day for me today. I started out with my other great aunt calling my phone before I wanted to wake up so I had less sleep then I wanted. I was feeling irritated to begin with. I did focus on greatfulness and it did help a bit. I was kind of rushing and I went to fold laundry and was going to have a shower before going but I knew it was going to make me late and instead of making myself late i just skipped both which is big for me because I usually try forcing it and end up late and anxious. I also decided to take the transit to get there so I wouldn't have to worry about being late and I wasn't. I was less anxious then I would have been.

I had brought a wooden apple piece that someone gave me on my birthday a few years ago and one of my tiger's eye stones just to keep me grounded. I ended up losing the stone and wasn't very happy about that but I can replace it so its not that big of a deal. I still had the wooden apple. I also spend some time replacing the thoughts before getting to the funeral home.

I got there and it was really overwhelming for me. I'm actually realizing now that I was expecting myself to be very social with all the people around and I wasn't being social. I was doing the breathing and trying to replace thoughts but was staying really really anxious. I had to leave the funeral home and go outside and do some more thought replacement on paper. I came in and found my sister talking to my great aunt and so i went over. Then my great aunt was talking to someone else and my sister was signing the guest book and so i took the opportunity to just say hi. Part of the thought replacement I did when I left the place was to change my goals from asking my sister what makes me cruel to just saying hi, I was being flexible and I fulfilled that goal. I also decided no matter what happens I am going to reward myself by going to watch a movie in the theatres which i'll do sometime within a week.

So I said hi and asked how she was doing and she responded back in the same way and that was it. She didn't try to be offensive but didn't try to talk to me more and I can understand if she feels uncomfortable talking to me. I was also feeling bad because I am excluded from her and her children's lives (my nieces). I'm an uncle who can't even see his nieces, its sad. The Excluded thing has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with after I was basically excluded from the family after I went to the cops because of the person who sexually abused me. It was really strong at that party Mark held and I was furious but I was able to calm myself down today and I was mildly angry but reminded myself that I'm not being excluded because of something that is wrong with me, more about an issue she has with me.

On top of all that, I had one person joking saying am I teaching my niece bad things...I haven't even talked to my niece ever! I also had several people ask me about the person who sexually abused me, asking how he is doing. This was such an incredibly difficult thing for me to handle. I was so drained by it! I actually craved a cigarette however I haven't smoked in at least 5 years but I didn't give in and I'm not even sure anybody there smoked.

There was sugary things there and I wasn't really craving them but I felt that I should have them because they were there and it was the right thing to do. I guess I just didn't want to feel left out so I ate a few. They weren't that appealing to me, I guess I don't tolerate the taste as much as I used to as I found all the things I had way too sweet. I would have been happy with sandwhiches but that wasn't an option there weren't any.

I later ended up making spontaneous plans to hangout with a friend and watch a movie and have dinner. My dinner and a movie friend. Everytime we meet up it is a dinner and a movie and lots of cuddling. That made me feel better.

Skills used
Before leaving I was getting anxious and so I pulled out those pictures of the scenery and briefly looked at them and they calmed me down a bit.

I also used the breathing techniques as well as the muscle tension and relaxation

I focused on the reward instead of the anxiety

I carried around a rock to remind myself to slow down but I ended up losing it

Thought replacement on paper as well

Thought replacement
1)This is going to be impossible, I can't keep myself calm.
[Magnification, All-Or-Nothing]
->All I'm going to do is ask for clarification. I have the ability to talk and she will be there so it will be possible but it may be hard for me cuz of the anxiety. I will reward myself with watching a movie in the theatre and I can focus on how great I will feel to face this limitation regardless of how it turns out. She may try to hurt me, yell and scream but that really doesn't matter. She should react the way she reacts. How she thinks may not reflect truth. I'm going to do it no matter what.

2)I need it to be right. I need to win the argument.
[Should]
->Winning the argument isn't as important. How she thinks doesn't need to be right, it doesn't need to reflect truth just because she says something it doesn't make it true. I can get the validation from myself.

3)I'll get too anxious and will have to run.
[Fortune telling, minimization]
->I likely will get very anxious and panicky but I will stay my ground and it'll go away. I have the skills to handle this. It doesn't matter if I look stupid, dumb, anxious, worried, foolish, uncool, goofy or just negative. I likely will look unconfident and thats alright, it makes no diffrence. I'm ok looking with any of those things and I'm ok if she points that out.

4)I need her to know the truth and listen to me.
[Should]
->I can't force her to do anything and she isn't very receptive to what I have to say. The best thing in this situation is to listen without judgement. This is about her, not me.

5)I should go and talk to her but I can't because her daughter is around.
[Should]
->I was planning to do that but plans don't always go the way I want them to. I can simply say hi but regardless, I came here so I at least made the effort. It may be a partial accomplishment but its still an accomplishment.

6)I should be apart of her life and the lives of her children.
[Should]
->It would be nice but my life and existance doesn't depend on it. I can still enjoy life without her or her children if I have to. When it all comes down to it, she is just someone who came from the same womb.

7)I feel left out so I must be unimportant and unloved.
[emotional reasoning]
->I may be left out of some things but not everything. Being left out isn't just something that I go through, everybody goest through it and for many diffrent reasons. I have many friends that care and love me, I am important regardless of what I'm apart of and being left out isn't about my worth, its more about the other person and their opinions.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Lesson 6

[THH]

Hope,
I have done the program one time before. I also did not just do each lesson a week. Some I stayed on longer as I felt I didn't spend enough time on it or I didn't get it. Any way, they recommend that after you do it, wait a couple weeks and go through it again. You will feel so much better, as I know I did. I'm glad you are feeling so much better even thus far. I would like to encourage you that it even gets "better"!

Hey your preaching to the choir here at the homemaker job! LOL... It is alot of work, and a thankless job! So many repeat things it is hard to keep it exciting.
You will get into a routine it just takes time, and trial and error. I have no doubts you will get your house running in good order!
When I quit my job, years ago to help my husband with his career, It took a year for me to feel some value. I always had a paycheck and it gave me value. He always was generous with his money and it was good, but I had a feeling that took time for it to go away.
I created my own job so to speak and thinking about our life, it has worked out so well due to ( the trade he has chosen, good health to keep doing it.) & me being home, and caring for him, and keeping order in the house. Helping with the business, we didn't have the life, one person works day shift the other swing ect...
So glad you feel you know where your going!

You are so right too on recognizing your life with out family close by. I think that is true that you do grow. And family can get over involved in your life. Enjoy the time away for now.

I too feel thankful.

Gosh he must be in his 90's! I guess all that exercise paid off! LOL...
I love Maxine!
I liked the one, I used to care...but I now take a pill for that! LOL....

[THH]

Mike,
I'm not so sure it helped with expectations to focus on gratitude, but negative thoughts. I could wake up thinking negative and then I applied the gratitude and it helped me.

A bobble is a blunder, miss step, not flowing unintentional movement.

I too think your handling so many things very well. Its coming together for you.

Thank you for the suggestions with the phone calls too. I like the try and change the subject into something more positive. I think I can do this. Esp. try to change the whole subject. I now recognize that circular thinking as I see it over and over in these calls. After they go through the whole thing it ends up back at the beginning. They are not really asking you anything, just dumping. Hey everyone need to dump from time to time, but for me in this situation it is the same story night after night.
And most importantly you are right, I am not always going to feel up to handling that kind of stuff.

Figure an out or be honest and say how very important they are to you but you are feeling very overwhelmed right now and let them know that you cannot handle it right now. I love you, you're really important to me, I understand you are upset but I am feeling very overwhelmed right now and I can't go on with this conversation at this time. Thats assertiveness.

Thank you!!!I will keep this handy for those times I am feeling that way. Thank you, Mike!

No worries on falling behind. We all do! We are not in a race its all in our time.

Mike, you did SOOOOO well with all the multiples coming at you!!! You have to be proud!
You started off choosing prioritys from doing laundry to setting yourself up better by allowing your self more time to get where you needed to go.
Good for taking something with you to keep you grounded, and too bad you lost your tiger eye, get some more of it. ( I have a whole string of it like a necklace and wear it at times. It works great!) And replacing you negative thoughts. Again setting yourself up for to make the best out of the situation.
That was the best by just being polite and saying hi. You rose above it all! Also realizing that it is not about you being excluded because something is wrong with you, she has some issues herself she will one day see. but you are okay!!! You really are okay! So even though you were uncomfortable and worked your tail off, you did it and no regrets.
Be PROUD!

[NinjaFrodo]

Thank you THH, I appreciate that. I like to think that I handled them pretty well too.


Mike

[Pete777]

Session 5, Eating and exercising.
I think I can do better with my eating, though I don't really eat all that bad. I think I do eat lots of fruit & veggies, and my weakness is breads & pasta. I like candy esp. chocolate. Dark chocolate is my fav. and I love sno caps! I do buy trick or treat size bars. I need to watch my sugar intake, as I know I eat more than necessary.
I had my gall bladder removed several years ago, and I quit alot of fat foods as I could not eat them with out running to the bathroom. Same with caffeine, can't stomach it well, though chocolate has it in it and I do fine with it. I just need to really pay attention esp. as I am getting older.
Exercise I have down kinda good as my back surgery I have to keep supple. I mostly do a routine of stretches. I could use some cardio's. Here in Ohio we live in the snow belt, my biggest problem is when its terrible cold and snow I don't get much exercise. I need to make that a goal as well.

This is your first post, I can't find the flash card info here

[THH]

Your right, either I missed some or they were lost during the change in the program. I will find lesson 5 and post for you.

[Pete777]

Awesome thankyou so much!:)