The Challenge...Lesson 5

SeaRunner · Post by **SeaRunner** » Wed Oct 06, 2010 9:57 pm

Mike -

I was thinking it might not be a good idea to discuss all of your feelings with your sister at the funeral. It will certainly bring up a lot of difficult issues from the past and a funeral is not the best setting to have that kind of conversation. Perhaps consider just being cordial with her at the funeral and see if you can set a time to meet in a few days later to talk one on one instead.

With regards to your friend Mark, I think it comes down to what you're willing to deal with to keep his friendship. Pretty much every relationship has both positive and negative parts. What you need to decide is what is your tolerance level. How much negativity are you willing to accept? Fifty percent? Twenty-five percent? Ten? Five? It's your decision.

Jamie

SeaRunner · Post by **SeaRunner** » Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:02 pm

Karen and Hope -

Sounds like we should get together so we can all fret about what we might have forgotten to do! Isn't it amazing how our thoughts can control our behaviors? I certainly have had my share of anxiety worrying about leaving something undone or that I might have missed taking some medications. I've noticed that it works the other way around too; that is, the more anxious I am, the more I tend to obsess over things. I'm surprised I haven't broken the knob on my front door from checking it so many times!

Jamie

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:17 am

I found this quote in an e-mail from FlyLady...

The perfectionism monster makes us obsess and do too much as well as
procrastinate and do nothing. We are dealing with issues that we have
been procrastinating about; our paper clutter. Most of the time we
have we put off doing something because it is just too hard to get all
of our ducks in a row to get started.

I can relate... specially about procrastinating because I want to have all my ducks in a row.

THH · Post by **THH** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 1:10 pm

I mowed grass most of the day. It was nice out side and all I had to do was turn, turn, turn. LOL... (I have 3 acres to mow)
Later today I had 2 family members call me back to back, they needed to vent about their jobs, and spouses, and who they work with and how unfair life is. It was really draining on me and I love them dearly but I felt the need to get off the phone, I started to get anxious and decided to just sit down and let them talk. I don't sometimes know what to do? I have mentioned the program and that could help them as this is not the first time this happened. I think they just want to vent. Does anyone have this happen to them? And what do you do? Just listen?

Mcshope,
I can relate to that quote as well. Although I sometimes procrastinate because I don't want to do everything that it entails.

No Mike today. We miss you, hope you are doing okay. Funerals are always tough.

I liked the card that came with this lesson,
"Would you start your dog's day with a cup of coffee, a sugar donut, and a cigarette?" - Jack LaLane

Does anyone know if Jack LaLane is still alive???

Friday we move on. Lesson 6 Anger.

See everyone there, have a nice quiet evening.

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:27 pm

THH,

This is my first time through the program, well, I started in July, but I decided to restart when Mike proposed the challenge. The group has been instrumental in my progress. I feel less depress and anxious. Even my husband has mentioned that he notices my progress. I feel good, I have been working on feeling more comfortable when I get out of the house. I was having a hard time even going to the gas station, which is 1/2 a block away.
Right now I am not working, and this is the first time that I don't feel like going back to work. I am trying to learn how to be a "homemaker"... I know, it sounds like a joke, but it is not... Growing up, my mom was an angry homemaker, before she started working, she was an angry woman. We always had 1 or 2 maids, they would do the cooking and cleaning. Once my mom started working, she changed a lot, she was happier... I somehow never learned who to take care of my house... yes, I know the basics, but there is no order or routine... I just feel that my house needs attention and I am trying to learn how to take care of it. I am trying to treat the housework as my job, I am just trying to get some kind of routine that works for me and my family.
The anxiety made me quit my job, but I am learning so much about myself that I don't want to interrupt this process. I knew that this time was the time to take care of myself, and for a while I felt lost. Now I think I have an idea of where I am going.
I will go back to work, maybe next year, now there are other thing that are a priority.
It is not easy to be far away from the family, however I know that being far away has helped me to grow. Sometimes families are strangely complicated... there is always something going on... I am just thankful that I am not in the middle of the excitment anymore.
There is so much we have to be thankful for.... You're welcome, and thank you too for being here!

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:41 pm

Jaime,

Maybe we could make a checklist of all the thing we have to check before leaving the house, and mark "DONE" once we checked. At least that way we would have a written record that we did check.... (and also a written record of the level of out OCD...LOL)

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:46 pm

THH,
I checked online, Jack LaLane still is alive.

I prefer Maxine's phrase
I have my coffee (well now coffee substitute), I have my computer, I have my prozac (in my case Xanax)... I am going to have a great day.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:13 pm

Ok catching up. Going to be a little brief with the responses

mcshope;

So you can relate with me to the dance thing. Good to know I'm not the only one.

I thought about what you said about it taking 2 people to have disagreements and how to avoid repeating the same thing in similar situations. I facebooked him and asked him how we go about doing that.

JJ;

Wow that is a big realization. I hadn't known until I went through the program and I had been using sugar to keep myself awake. I never was one into the caffine though. That is great that you did end up overcoming it. It also helps if you can sub in the white sugar with natural sugar by eatting more fruits and such. Its funny but I started to have expectations that I should eat healthy because we are on the lesson of diet and exercise and I am avoiding it and resisting it and eatting poor. I'm sure it'll change after we pass this lesson.

THH;

Exactly, the more you kill yourself to please people the more they expect you to go ahead and do it. Its not healthy.

it helped with your expectations to focus on gratitude? how does that work? I am making it a habit to do it right when i wake up. I did this morning and it helped to reduce the anxiety.

we have a wall mirror on 3 of the 4 walls and i was at the front of the room so i saw myself with every move. I have no idea what a bobble is though. You are right, I was more judging myself and I just have to remind myself that no i'm not looking cool and thats alright.

Thank you for noticing my progress. I do notice it, everyday actually. I'm not as bothered by things that would make me furious. That whole situation with my friend Mark and his party. The being excluded part bothered me the most and I've already become less affected by being excluded which i noticed at the funeral today when I saw my sister with her daughter whom I haven't been apart of her life. I'm excluded from my family and sister's life and it didn't make me furious today.

I will think about what you said with the friendship with Mark and I do have friends that are also sensitive and caring like me and don't argue. Perhaps talking more to them if something goes wrong or I get upset, I dunno. I'm just not sure if they are really sorry as one thing has happened a couple times, it just hasn't changed. I'm working on the dwelling aspect and I think i'm making alot of progress. I think i'm actually making progress at a faster rate if you ask me.

Mike

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:36 pm

Karen L;

Still going strong, Keep up the good work!

Searunner;

I can't really promise anything. I will take it as a suggestion and not something etched in stone. However how do i keep track of 1 minute running and 1 minute walking without keeping score?

Your right its not good to expect too much to begin with. I am understanding how habits work and how progress is slow in the beginning. We build up to where we want to be, we don't start out at it.

Wow you really have put alot of thought into the running. I never thought about the horizontal vs the vertical and not sure how I do it. I'll pay attention when I try it out. I may do some stuff on the tredmill first.

As for the sister issue. I had been thinking that as well but that is the only time I actually see her in person. I didn't end up doing it and instead i made it a point to say hi and ask how she was doing and she said hi and did the same. Its a process, next i'll wish her happy birthday on her birthday in early Nov. Sometime after that I'll call and ask her what she ment about me being cruel. She is unfortunately too far away to meet up in person.

Good point...I think I can tolerate it. I think this friendship has taught me to just accept other people for who they are and work with it instead of trying to change them.

Mike

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:50 pm

THH;

Sounds like a productive day and yes I know about complaining people. David D Burns has a few ways to handle this and I like to use the one where you just find a way to accept what they are saying. If they are complaining you think about what they are saying not in an all or nothing attitude or whatever but in that gray area. If they say their boss is a jerk you can say something like well everybody can do jerky like things or whatever they did, did sound bad and how that person doesn't deserve that. I like to add that one bit about how whoever is complaining doesn't deserve the negativity and it really helps.

You could also slightly change the subject into something more positive. If they complain about their job you can ask them if they remember a specific thing they did at their old job that went really well or some of the benefits of the job they have now.

You could also just say that must be very frustrating, or bothersome, stressful, upsetting or emotion fits the situation when they talk.

However you aren't always going to feel up to handling that kind of stuff. Figure an out or be honest and say how very important they are to you but you are feeling very overwhelmed right now and let them know that you cannot handle it right now. I love you, you're really important to me, I understand you are upset but I am feeling very overwhelmed right now and I can't go on with this conversation at this time. Thats assertiveness.

Oh my god your lesson cards are so much more awesome then mine! I found my lesson 4 card and then I don't have cards until lesson 10. It will be good to compare.

Crap lesson 6 is tomorrow, I feel like i'm really falling behind!

Mike