The Challenge...Lesson 5

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok so last night I had alot of sugar, I was sitting up late at night, dwelling on this friendship with my friend and feeling really really upset. I was feeling angry, sad, doomed, hopeless and so I did some thought replacement on paper and here is what I got.

1)This friendship with Mark is very unhealthy and I have to end it.
[Mental filter, Should]
->There has been many situations that were very negative within this friendship that really upset me. There were alot of irrational expectations placed on me and alot of yelling and no appologies but many times where it was ok and fun. It isn't all bad and maybe I can salvage the friendship and work with Mark in order to overcome this.

2)I can't live without him, I need him.
[All-or-Nothing]
->He is not the oxygen I breath or some king of life support machine that I'm on. He is just another human being that I've grown attached to. I would be really sad to end this but I would eventually get over it and move on. I can get the positive things he gives me from someone else.

3)All he does is hurt me and cause me pain.
[Overgeneralization, mental filter]
->He doesn't hurt me and cause pain everytime we talk there are just some times when this happens. There are also times when he's kind and considerate.

4)He should be more considerate with my feelings.
[Should]
He doesn't always know how I'm feeling, he isn't a mind reader, and many times I don't let him know so how can he be more considerate? I also do blame and could use more I feel messages. he is somewhat considerate though.

5)He yelled at me for doing things wrong with cooking, he kicked me out of his place even after I spent so much time helping him prepare, he has yelled at me for my lack of excitement about his trip, he has yelled at me for not thinking about certain things and made me upset many times.
[Mental filter]
->Yes I've been hurt many times by him and I have also been helped many times by him. He didn't do those things to deliberately try to hurt me, he did them out of his idea of fairness. He isn't a bad person I guess we just don't click very well thats all. I can get what I need from my other friends.


I was able to calm myself down with this and see some of my expectations. He tends to complain alot and doesn't take into consideration people's feelings when he complains about work related things. He says people should do this or that and I try to explain that not everybody has the same mentality as him and the conversation went on awhile and he let me know that he just doesn't leave room for emotions when it comes to other people which makes no sense to me at all. I am more focused on letting him see how irrational that is. That party that just happened well the suprise was ruined by the bf of the person it was for. Not completely ruined but still ruined, he was so upset and called one of his good friends and that friend just rationalized the situation and didn't really allow for his emotion. He basically was trying to convince Mark that he didn't have the right to feel the way he did. It upset him but then he goes around and does that to other people. If it isn't right for it to happen to him then does it really make it right when he does it and how does it make other people feel?



Mike

[mcshope]

Hi Mike,

I understand about the dance. I just remember the teacher noticing that I was not getting the routine and that would made me feel more anxious... and of course the more anxiety, the less I could do the routine. I guess we all have good days and bad days.

About your friend... there have to two for a tango... usually when disagreements raise both parties put their part. You seem to be able to understand him, I hope he is able to understand your side. Is not a matter of blaiming, but to understand what happened so you two can avoid repeating the same situation. Take it one day at a time.

Hope

[THH]

Jamie,
Oh man, walking in bike shoes with cleats! FUN!
(not) LOL... You handled the whole thing very well! YEY!!!
I also at times get into the "checking" mode. I have been a mile away from home and wondered if I closed the stall doors? ( don't need horses loose!) or if I blew a candle out. I usually did.

When I take meds, I write down the time and what I took. Thankfully I don't take daily drugs. I'm so sensitive to even over the counter meds I don't take unless I need to. That is always why I get anxiety when sick. Because I never know what to take, and the few things I have tryed I end up over medicating! I have gone to buy childerns stuff! Or cutting the thing in half to see how it works. My husband always called me a cheep date! 2-3 beers I was done! LOL...

You really did GREAT!!!!

[JJ]

Mike,
For most of my life (even before I went through the program program) I realized that chocolate, sugar, and caffeine made me feel bad. So it's been on and off for all these years. I've been off chocolate and caffeine since June. I've had a stressful year with anxiety, so I cut back on them. It's funny how when I'm off them, I don't have the cravings for them. Sometime in the future, when I'm less stressed, I may try to have some chocolate or caffeine. I think our bodies are so sensitive, that we are really affected by them. Most people don't understand, but we do. I recommend to anybody to just try to get through the first several days, and you can withdraw from the caffeine or chocolate. It's one of the things we can control, along with how much we exercise. Great work to all our group!

[THH]

Mike,
I think I am at times hard on my self. I was much worse years ago. I still am at times. I can be a people pleaser and with out thinking bite off more than I want. I have learned not to be the first one out of the gate, with my willingness to please. Kind of like the more you do the more people will let you do.

Yes counting my blessings works everytime. It causes me to think about all the good that I have in my life. Give it a try, seams like such a simple exersise, but at times it seamed hard for me. I think for me it disolved some of my out landish expectations I had for myself.

You really have come a looong way. I hope you know that. And I agree with Karen, even starting this challange you have changed. I hope you feel that too! NICE!

I liked what your instructor told you too, about enjoying yourself makes you look good. I just know from riding / training horses, when I took lessons, they have a wall mirror and you can see yourself and all the bobbles... Then I would come home and practice, practice... Show time, either you know it or you don't. And when you show enough, even a bobble the untrained eye won't catch.
Your just learning your routine, it won't be polished right away. Don't be discouraged just keep practicing no matter how funky you feel it looks. All the dancers go though it.

On you friend deal, I also agree with Jamie, Hope & Karen! With that being said I could add how important the need to organize your thoughts and feelings to see what kind of realitionship you want and what kind of support you need. That is not always easy to define. I can tell in this short time, how sensitive and caring you are so I would look for that person to do that with out having to argue or ask for it. Its ok to have friends that your just friends with do dumb stuff that can be laughed off. But when its a person you really care for it seams to hurt. Then you can dwell, and its ok to discuss it to resolve it and if they are really sorry it won't happen again. Too me, from my experiance the dwelling part when too many things happen it becomes a real problem. Just my 2 cents worth! LOL...

[THH]

Hope,
I'm glad my post are inspiring! Its hard untangling all these thoughts and feelings, But I remember the state of mind I was in when I ordered this program, and have often reminded myself "how bad do you want it". I am still so amaized what a negative thinker I was. I still have to be careful with this as I am not really solid yet. Is this your first time through ? How are you feeling?

I am from Ohio, 22-33 I moved to Oregon. I understand about family being far away. We moved back here due to better future, business and family. I am glad to be here near my family so they can see me as a adult. I can help them as they will allow.
You never know how things will go, maybe you will have them come be with you? Maybe you can go more often when they need you.

I know there is so much comfort being here with all of you. It is sorta like Mike said like we are in college together. I learn something from everyone here, it makes me feel thankful too. Thank You for being here!

[THH]

Karen,
Good for you noticing you do better being social. Thats a good thing to build on. I'm like that too. The more I get out and belong the eaisier it is when days come I get stuckk at home.

Not having kids, I would have no idea whats going on out there. Glad your open about what could be happening, and teaching your daughter. My mom never taught me about being a girl! Somethings that genaration still won't talk about! LOL...

Well I didn't really say "he" was a jerk. Just some people. LOL...You know him best! Haha
The people I know who attend AA meetings have been sober for long times. They tell me about the meetings, how some people are there because they have to be, some because they want to heal, and some for the fellowship, kind of like here. Be with people who know.
Its a good program, when I learned there was like 70 at a meeting I was shocked!( that is one small town) Boy there are alot of drunks! What does that tell you??? No wonder we have anxiety & depression!

Is this your first time going through this program?
You will be okay, you are working hard at untangling all the bones so to speak. You are doing a great job driving and getting out of your comfort zone. GOOD job!

I still am not sure about the photo contest, I'll post when I find out something.
Have a great night!

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost. But I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my own life and my thoughts. I am the one who creates my own anxiety and I can stop it also.


long day...still feeling a bit spacey and unreal today, but was able to function....went to store and I actually had to find a used clothes dryer since mine broke (thanks craigslist lol)...I accomplished what I needed to today..few bouts with the anxiety, but I handled it....exhausted so heading to bed soon....tomorrow will be better
have a great evening everyone!!

[SeaRunner]

Mike -

I had a few more thoughts about you wanting to start running. Appropriately, these came to me while I was out running this evening. I'd like to share a number of tips, mostly concerning form, that could help you out.

But first you have to make a deal with me before you read any further. You have to promise that you're not going to obsess about my suggestions, you're not going to judge yourself, you're not going to keep mental score, or anything of that nature. Running should be enjoyable and it takes time to get comfortable doing it. If it's not working out for you, then it probably isn't the right exercise for you and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Fair enough?

Running form can make a huge difference in how effective your exercise is, how much energy output is required, and how much additional exposure you have to injury. Keep in mind that it takes time to get used to running properly. Don't expect it to all come at once. As you begin running regularly, your form will start to come naturally and then you can start fine tuning things. This may take months so don't push yourself.

One of the primary things to focus on is ensuring that as much of your movement as possible is focused on moving in the horizontal direction (forward) not the vertical (up and down). When running in good form, your torso, shoulders, and head should remain relatively still with respect to the ground. You don't want to be bouncing up and down as you run since this is a waste of energy and also puts excess stress on your joints and bones. Not only can you see if you're moving too much in the vertical direction, but you'll hear it too; you're footfalls will be much louder as your leading foot hits the ground. You want your movements to be as smooth as possible.

Try to keep your torso bent slightly forward so that with each step, you're letting gravity pull you forward. This helps with your efficiency. Also, make sure that you're leading foot lands directly below your center of gravity. You don't want it to land ahead of you for two reasons: first, it tends to slow you down acting like a brake and second, you want to be only pushing with your feet and legs, not pulling. If your foot lands ahead of your body, then for the first part of your stride you're actually pulling yourself forward, which is much less efficient.

As your leading foot makes contact with the ground, try to land with your foot flat with the bulk of your weight on the ball of your foot. You don't want to land on your toes or your heels. Also, you want to make sure you're not landing on the outside or inside of your foot either as this typically leads to injury. If you do tend to land on either the outside or inside of your foot (a quick inspection of the wear on the soles of your shoes will tell you if you do) there are shoe inserts that you can buy to help correct and stabilize your landing.

Be mindful of your stride. In addition to not landing with your feet in front of you, you also don't want to kick them up behind you either. Again this is waste of energy. It's more vertical movement that can be transferred to horizontal movement. Also, a long stride is not necessarily a good thing. As you become more accustom to running, you'll find the right stride for you, which will naturally lengthen over time.

Keep your shoulders, arms, and hands relaxed. Don't ball your hands into tight fists but rather keep them loose. It's alright if they even flop around a bit. Don't raise your hands much above your hips as you run. Just raise them enough to keep your balance. This is another waste of energy and tends to increase the tension in your arms and shoulders.

Don't worry about your speed. Good form is much more important. Your speed will increase over time naturally.

When running uphill, try to keep your pace the same, but shorten your stride, which will slow you down a bit. When running downhill, bend forward a little more. Shorten your stride but move your feet as quickly as you safely and comfortably can do. Don't land heavily on your leading foot, again as this will only slow you down. Let gravity take over and speed up as move down the hill. If done properly, you'll be moving faster but actually getting a rest since you're letting gravity do most the work.

Try to do some stretches before and after running. At a minimum, stretch your calves, quads, and hip flexors. It's probably easier for you to search for some YouTube videos on these stretches rather than me trying to describe them. Be sure not to over-stretch because this can cause injury as well. It's a good idea to warm up and cool down as well. Spending a few minutes walking before and after running works well.

Be aware of what surface you're running on. Concrete cement is the worst. It's very hard and is hard on your joints and bones. Most sidewalks are concrete. Asphalt cement (blacktop) is better and will work in most cases. I do most of my running on an asphalt trail. Rubber tracks and compact earth are the best. Running on earth can be difficult if the soil is loose or muddy. Running in loose gravel or sand is really difficult and takes a lot of energy since you don't have any traction.

Lastly, buy the best pair of running shoes you can afford. Buy your shoes from a reputable store that specializes in running rather than a general sporting goods store. A running store will help you find the type of shoe that best fits your foot and running style. It may be a big investment now, but it will save you from immediate injury as well as future injury like shin splints, stress fractures, and even arthritis. Also be aware that a pair of running shoes is only supposed to last for about 500 miles (800 kilometers).

Sorry this was so long. I just started typing and much more came out than I intended. Again, if you've gotten this far you've already promised not to let this overwhelm you. Just work on a little bit at a time. It will all come together over time as you become more comfortable.

Jamie

[NinjaFrodo]

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and body with positive productive things

I haven't read any of the posts for today yet and its actually really late and i'll check them out tomorrow.

Wednesday;

I had got to bed at 3:30am this morning and I woke up once and then went back to sleep. I woke up at 1:30pm and just felt so aweful. I wasted the day just sleeping and felt like some lazy unmotivated person.

Relaxation
Relaxation cd in the am;
I was in and out with my focus as I was thinking alot about my friendship with my friend and confronting him about some problem, it was difficult.

Comment
That friend had called me today to talk about his posters and I felt akward and started to talk about our friendship. I was talking just about all the times we fought and how it didn't seem like it go resolved. I was so confused because they way he sees it is that we just talk about our feelings and thats it. He said we just have diffrent views on things and we can't change how we feel. I was so confused as I was trying to be assertive and then I didn't really know what to say or what I wanted from him. He said that when you become close with people you do tend to argue about things. He does understand where I am coming from with many things but I don't know if thats good enough for me. I was second guessing what I was saying and well I got to say how I felt and he listened but I dunno. I just suggested to forget about the past and just go from the present and deal with things as they come. So whatever I am his friend and I guess I just have to accept certain things about him as long as they don't violate my rights and I'll talk to him if I have a problem with him.

Like that stuff wasn't hard enough, I have that funeral to go to and I just found out my sister is going to be there. I may also see my uncle as well and this is very difficult for me to even be in the same room as them. My sister sent me my share of the money that was left in our mother's bank account via a cheque with a letter saying that she doesn't talk to me because i'm cruel and then tells me to enjoy my share of the money. I don't know what makes me cruel and I have been meaning to ask her but have felt really worried about doing so. I found out from a few sources that she is planning to get married next year in the same month as my birthday and if I'm correct, she won't invite me to it and will just throw it in my face. She has thrown other things in my face as well. Perhaps I just need to approach her tomorrow with no expectations of how she will react. I'm going to keep my goals small and attainable. My goal is simply to ask her what makes me so cruel and why she is so bitter towards me and if she responds then I'll listen and then I can walk away.

Thought replacement
1)I shouldn't be dwelling on this anger about how Mark doesn't allow room for emotions
[should]
->I tend to dwell on this kind of stuff so it is likely that I do now. He said that bit about not allowing for emotions but that was about work related stuff. We talked about stuff and he understands where I am coming from and I think he does. I don't think not allowing room for emotions applies with me or else he would tell me he doesn't want to hear it when I talk about how I feel.

2)I won't be able to say what I want to when the situation comes up. I'll get too anxious.
[Magnification, Fortune Telling]
->I tried over the phone and did get anxious but I messaged him on facebook saying how I got anxious and then stated how I felt and that I'm hoping for feedback.

3)I won't be able to stop him from manipulating me and making me feel bad.
[Minimizing]
->I am only manipulated when I'm deliberately hurt and convinced to do something that isn't in my best interest. He acts on his beliefs and idea of fairness which may clash with mine and he hasn't talked me into or pressured me to do anything.

4)Oh great I have to deal with my sister tomorrow, this won't turn out well.
[Fortune telling, magnification]
->This isn't mortal combat here. I am simply going to ask what she means when she says I am cruel. The worst that could happen is she gets angry at me and says something rude...big deal!

5)She will try to hurt me and won't even listen to what I have to say.
[Fortune Telling, Overgeneralization]
->She has done this in the past and could still operate in the same way, however people change. Wheather she has or not doesn't matter because I do not need to accept the harmful words. I know how to handle the negativity and I'm going to go in without any expectations.

6)I should get her to understand me.
[Should]
->I can't control that and I will just overwhelm myself trying. My goal is simply to ask her. If she doesn't want to respond then that is her loss and I can feel good for trying. If she responds then I'll listen without getting defensive and go from there. I have the ability to walk away at any point.



Mike