I'm in week 5 and don't know exactly what to do

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:34 am

Happy New Year, Ema

I'm sorry to hear about your little brother. Definitely hard on a family. What happened with your Father...I'm not sure if I read about your Dad or not.

I've had many friends being mistreated at the age of 11 while they were the eldest in the family. It is very hard on the eldest child, there are many expectations placed on them. I'm sorry that your mother took her grief out on you...just remember that you were a child yourself and your mother didn't seek the help she needed to help herself.

So I can see how it would be hard for you to develop close relationships that were functional or healthy...and you made mistakes out of ignorance and pain.

I hope things work out with t. and that he isn't a burden to you and your child(ren) What illness does t. have? Take care...

Paislee

ema526 · Post by **ema526** » Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:10 pm

Hi paislee,
It was a nice new years and holiday,only that my children were with their father it was his weekend. In answer to your question, my father is abroad, he lives outside the country. I have two theories about this, he either bailed out or my mother and brother drove him away. A question of a debt that was left which I know nothing of the details nor do I want to get involved. At t his point my mother and brother are spinning the web and they r inseparable. That situation is not where I want to be. We take one day at a time with 't', I mean things r going very good and his condition is serious but I know I am in denial about it. Truth is I am a little in the dark about it all I have is the information that he gives me.

ema526 · Post by **ema526** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:45 am

Happy new year everyone!
Just a quick note to share with you that it has now been a week and have no desire to smoke. True to my word, I have given it up on new years. The start of a whole new existence. Thanks to all of you who supported me, it is one more step to the recovery I seek.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:07 am

Hi Ema--Congratulations on your non-smoking Victory! Yippee!

I'm sorry to hear that your father is out of the country and you are not getting the straight story about the past.

Is it possible to talk to t's Drs or go to the Dr's visits with him? P.

ema526 · Post by **ema526** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:04 pm

It seems that 't's uncle goes with him. I only know what he tells me. Lately it is good news. Remission and a double dose of the treatment are in order. He will be seen in late feb or march for follow up. My father has been gone now for about 2 years I think. It is a shame because I know there is more to this story and it has a lot to do with my mother coddling my brother. Had an interesting call from my cousins who live in south America. They wished us a happy new year and were very supportive and happy to hear of my change of careers. It was a lovely compliment given to me and it did make me feel good. I'm real happy I stopped smoking, my fear was of course gaining weight. I figured that I can't gain weight if I have that control over food and how I prepare it for me and my family.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 7:30 am

That's great about your cousins and their compliments, that must have really felt good to hear!

Plus your thoughts about gaining weight if you stop smoking were very positive and logical and facing reality. Excellent productive thinking on your part, that's great!

I'm proud of you!

Wow, t sounds like he is pretty sick...is there still a way that you could go with him sometime or is there paperwork you can read?

Well, about your father, I think as you get your life in order or the way you want, he'll show up when you are ready for him. Since it would be good if you are strong and self-confident before another family member that might not be positive disrupt's your growth. Keep up the good work, you're doing great! Paislee

ema526 · Post by **ema526** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 6:16 pm

Hi paislee,
Yes it was good to hear my cousins after a long time.they r certainly the type that love unconditionally and accept who I am just the way I am. They too had a falling ou,t with my parents years ago. It seems that my parents fought with and alienated quite a bit of people.
Where t is concerned, have not seen paperwork yet. It has crossed my mind the possibility he may not be I'll, or telling me the truth, but I don't wish to be uncharitable either as to judge him harshly at this point in time.
I think, what if I am wrong? I would feel terrible.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:46 pm

Hi Ema, I don't think there is anything wrong with you getting more information on t's health. You are protecting yourself, it is a part of being assertive. There is nothing uncharitable of asserting yourself in a caring manner by desiring to go to the Dr's office w/ t.

Unless you don't want to know and stay in the relationship as it is. Part of caring for someone is knowing everything about them and either accepting them w/ their illnesses or protecting yourself from being used.

I guess you have to decide if you can deal with the knowledge that you just might be not be getting the whole truth from t. Does he frighten you in any way? Another way to look at it...what benefits are you getting by him staying on your couch. Do you feel protected or needed? When your family of origin didn't make you feel needed or wanted.

I'm only asking you these things for you to think about...not to cause you anxiety. Paislee

ema526 · Post by **ema526** » Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:24 pm

Hi paislee,
While it is true that the situation is strange,I am trying to be sympathetic, and at the same time suspicious. It has been brought up in conversation and at times discussion,and the argument is that my children are small yet and not realistic to travel with them especially during the school year. I do record everything he tells me, even if in journal.
Couch? well, he works approx. 3 jobs still. He has not slowed down, even though I do see signs like difficulty breathing at times, the weight gain, the exhaustion, and sometimes the coughing spasms which result in his coughing up a little blood.
Frightened? In a way sometimes. It has been a year since we had that falling out, and during the time of the absence, I learned that I was being followed and observed what I was doing and whom I was seeing, all by pictures. Protected? Very much, almost too much. I don't know, nowadays I'm concentrating on my getting well for me and my children's sake.
That doesn't mean that I don't discuss with him what is going on, I do and lately he has assured me that I will see something of paperwork. I have warned him as well that if he is lying to me, there will be no us to speak of, and don't care if all plans are made like our own home.
I just observe now quietly but I speak up, believe me I have learned to open my mouth.

Paisleegreen · Post by **Paisleegreen** » Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:43 pm

Hi Ema--I'm glad that you are aware and being observant. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you and your children. Take care...Paislee