my last BIGGEST fear

Holly J · Post by **Holly J** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:59 am

I have gone through many irrational fears in the past 5 months. At first It was physical like what if I stop breathing or stop swallowing or what if I have cancer?! Than It was what If I kill myself?! And of course my major fear with Anti depressants. I have now basically conquered all those fears. I am not afraid of these things anymore. I started taking an anti depressant because I feel I have gotten worse because of my now biggest fear. My fear is that what if I always ruin my "feel good positive empowering moments" with negative, hopeless self doubt feelings. See, I tend to do this a lot and its worrying me. I feel like It is automatic after i feel good to feel very bad. I'll think I feel good and than think "why feel good when i always feel bad again, whats the point" or I'll think I hope i don't make myself feel bad and of course after thinking those things i instantly feel depressed, hopeless unmotivated (because every time i feel good i feel bad again) and panicky. I honestly feel like my self-doubts have a mind of its own and Is in the way to my recovery. I feel like if this keeps happening I'll always be depressed! I always do a positive dispute in my head and write it down too but this still happens to me everyday and i still anticipate it happening. Its like i am afraid to be happy because I'll feel bad after I realize I feel good. Why do i put myself down like this? why cant i just be happy? When these negative self doubts happen which has been everyday for a month and seemed to have gotten much much worse the past week and a half I just feel hopeless and like I'll never recover and always feel depressed which of course makes me panicky. I know the key to recover from this is to not be afraid of that thought. to just be like whatever its just a thought. But it really gets to me when i think it and ruins my hours and days. Why cant i trust myself after i feel great and why must i put myself down? It feels so automatic! How do I cope with this? It just feels like this is more deep and real of a fear than my other ones which are totally irrational. As a child i did grow up with mistrust and fear. . I'm sure this had something to do with it but its never been so bad before. I KNOW that when I conquer this fear I will be anxiety and depression free!! This is the one thing that gets to me and i feel pretty fearless with anything else now. I v been on pristiq 50mg (a fairly new anti-depressant) for 4 days now. Do anti-depressants help with self doubt, hopelessness, fears and worries??? Can anyone relate to this at all? I honestly feel all alone with this fear. I'd much rather have anyone of my old fears. Those are a piece of cake to me now. But just the anticipation of making myself feel bad when i have a good non depressive non anxiety moment and than actually doing it really really really gets to me and boy it just makes me so depressed and panicky I hate it. Like i said that voice of self doubt feels so automatic to me which scares me because i feel i cannot control these thoughts. So i know i must learn to cope with them and to not believe them but its hard to not believe them right now because i am experiencing major depression. I just hope and pray that my new anti-depressants help me get through this rough rough part of my life. AM i the only one who does this and actually lets it ruin there day? I know everyone had doubts and worries but mine are my biggest fear that it'll never go away. Thanks for reading.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:35 am

Hi Holly J,
You already have said that you know these thoughts are coming from you and you need to find a way to stop these thoughts as by now you have not stopped breathing or swallowing or killed yourself.Have you finished the program and done all the book work, kept a journal, been eating right, stopped caffein intake...and so on?
I have gone over session 3 at least 5 times this week as it's been the most difficult for me so far. Self Talk and how important it is to change a bad negative thought with a realistic good thought. I want to succeed at this and love life to the fullest as we all do. Do you keep busy at something..like walking, gardening, listening to music, or just trying to take your mind to another place..a peacefull place with sounds and aromas you love. Whatever will let your mind think good, happy thoughts and not thinking if I'm happy now I won't be later. Stop beating yourself up and try to live in the moment, hour, hours, and just feel how good it is to be in those happy times and tell yourself you won't settle for not having them. You want to feel happy not sad but you must make that happen. I know depression and anxiety are tough but we feed it...you know that.

I get up every morning and say good morning to myself and my dogs and look forward to doing my program and coming to the site to read posts and reply to as many as I feel I can. I don't think about things ahead anymore unless it's something I'm looking forward to. Baby steps, live in the moment and love yourself enough to stop bashing your mind with negativity that just takes the good moments or hours away from you. I really don't know what else to say except you deserve to feel wonderfull and happy and just enjoy all the beauty that is.

GOOD LUCK!!!
Smile...your a beautifull human being.

LookingFor"Me" · Post by **LookingFor"Me"** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:03 am

Good Morning, Holly.

First of all, you are ABSOLUTELY NOT the only person who lets those thoughts mess up the day....I feel like I am the master at that sort of thing....and it IS tough to get a handle on it. I am as old as dirt and have struggled with this for a long time....and I am beginning to understand that so much of this distorted thinking has been a part of me forever....and I think my healing has come when I just accepted that part of it and turned my attention to NOW and TODAY. I know that sounds real "cheesy" but I guess what I am saying is that learning to discipline your thought process and set some limits on it is really the key. My family will be the first to tell you that I am a "professional worrier"...always have been, but I feel like I am getting better ONLY because I am trying to focus on just what is immediate.....not the past....not tomorrow...but focus on my work, or current tasks or some very basic, achieveable goal for the day...and I am SLOOOOOWLY learning to take care of me..whether that is giving myself permission to do nothing...or do something that gives me some comfort...reading, writing, etc...

I guess what I am saying is that one of the keys to overcoming these negative thought habits it to be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for not being as disciplined as you want to be. I think we all beat ourselves up too much and expect perfection...but most of us are very good at be patient and forgiving with EVERYONE around us. Does that make any sense? You mentioned meds....I took anti-depressants for quite a while but just got tired of it so I have replaced the meds with the "Good Days" supplements and have been doing well...I am NOT saying that is what anyone else should do...but I just feel better where I am with that...but that is something for you and your doctor need to determine. Yes, meds definitely help with depression and anxiety, but I believe how we treat ourselves emotionally is big part of it, too.

Will stop rambling...just wanted you to know you are not alone in this and you CAN get to the place you want to be....just be patient and work on those goals for YOU.

Take care.
JChick

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:59 am

Your previous replies here have such good commentary, I cannot add anything better. I do encourage you to remember, it took you all your life to get so negative! It will take a lot of practicing to change this way of thinking, but you already are doing this successfully. It's like having a big negative on one shoulder telling you, "Oh, c'mon, let's keep having these bad moments," while at the same time on your other shoulder there is a big positive saying, "Comforting, peaceful, happy stuff ahead. Just trust yourself."
Go with the big positive. It will win out.
You really are doing this. You will win.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 11:39 am

I have had anxiety and panic for most of my life as well. I didnt start taking medication until I started having severe panic attacks in 1999. I know exactly how you feel. I took paxil from 2000 to 2007. Since being off of it I have become worse. Its a struggle for me to even leave my home. I have been trying to tell myself that everything is ok. But I have stopped driving all together. Its a horrible horrible feeling that I want to go away. So I totally understand when you start having negative thoughts again cause I tell myself I can drive and it will be ok and then I chicken out. I also think that it will never go away but we have to change our way of thinking no matter how hard it may be. Im deathly afraid to take medication now after the paxil withdrawl...You will get over these feelings...A positive group of people helps immensely too!!!!!

TryingToGainControl · Post by **TryingToGainControl** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:00 pm

Originally posted by HollyAH:
I have had anxiety and panic for most of my life as well. I didnt start taking medication until I started having severe panic attacks in 1999. I know exactly how you feel. I took paxil from 2000 to 2007. Since being off of it I have become worse. Its a struggle for me to even leave my home. I have been trying to tell myself that everything is ok. But I have stopped driving all together. Its a horrible horrible feeling that I want to go away. So I totally understand when you start having negative thoughts again cause I tell myself I can drive and it will be ok and then I chicken out. I also think that it will never go away but we have to change our way of thinking no matter how hard it may be. Im deathly afraid to take medication now after the paxil withdrawl...You will get over these feelings...A positive group of people helps immensely too!!!!!

Hi HollyAH and welcome to this wonderfull caring place. I just came off Paxil about 9 weeks ago now. It was my 4th AD and will be my last. It was hard for a while with the withdrawal but now I at least have emotions again. I just felt nothing for so long and knew I had to make it another way. I'm doing much better and you will too. This program is the best thing I did for myself in many years. Just try to not be hard on yourself ( i know easier said than done ) but you will be fine. I'm here should you want to talk. Try to just take it one hour or day at a time and just me kind to yourself. I wish you all the best.
Do anything that takes your mind off the things that bother you and take small steps...you will get there.