Stress Center Peer Support

Hello,
This is my first post. One of my biggest struggles is being around a sister-in-law that boasts about her luxury cars, fancy vacations and career. I have been a stay-at-home mom for the last 23 years without a support system, family or friends. My husband, children and I have always been on our own. Once we got together with her sister and family and she made a comment how nice it was to have a sister to "fight" with (they were goofing around). That was like a turning point for me. I wish I could know what it was like to go through life to have someone to talk to and get through life's ups and downs with. Ever since then I became aware of how she would point out her luxury cars, vacations, careers and what she does with all her sisters and friends and how they are there for her.

One time when my husband was going though cancer and we had to be confined to our home all summer we went out with them for dinner. I asked my husband "what should I do if she starts to brag about stuff". He suggested I get up and go the bathroom or something. We'll I purposely sat far away from her so she wouldn't have the chance, but just as we were about to leave, she came sat by us and asked Did youknow I just got back from Mexico to celebrate my birthday with my friends"? I gotup, locked myself in the bathroom, When I got out, all I could do was shut down. I was so upset, I woke up crying in the middle of the night and spiraled into a dark place.

I don't understand how she could be so insensitive. So now I avoid getting together with them to keep from getting hurt. I came here for support. Others gave me a guilt trip. I wish I could be a stronger person and not let her affect me like this.

I have a hard time with this kind of thing too. I expect everyone to be sensitive to the things I'm going through and have common sense.

Are you going through the program? Session 4 deals with this (Expectations). We just need to learn not to get so upset about the way other people are (I know it's hard). Don't expect yourself to be able to do this overnight. It's just something we need to work on. Chip away at it. We can do it.

Hang in there!

I did the program atleast 8 or more years ago. Is it basically the same? Maybe I should go back over the tapes...I wish I could stand up to people like this.

I couldn't tell you if it's the same because I just got it last November for the first time.

I deal with this issue every day. I am constantly thinking to myself, "Why don't people wipe the counter when they're done? Why don't people let me in when I'm trying to merge? Why can't my mom stop overreacting to everything and mellow out?.....etc." But then I realized that if I let everything that people do irritate me, I would go nuts!

I can't change the way people act. The only thing I can change is the way I react.

When people irritate me for some reason or another, I try to analyze the situation and think about why they might be doing what they do.

Maybe underneath, your sister-in-law is really insecure (sounds like it to me) so she feels the need to talk about herself all the time. Maybe she used to be really down and out and now that she's not, she can't help but talk about it.

Keep in mind that she probably isn't doing it to hurt you and that if she knew it did, she probably wouldn't do it as much if not anymore at all.

Glowbug:
I have a real sister like you are describing.
Oh she is a real bore. Really!!
One reason my sister does it is because she is empty inside.
She has nothing on her own to say whatsoever.
If I raise up a subject , she just repeats what I have said. Because she seems to have no real thought of her own.
And her ambition was to always have more and better than the rest of us.
When she got her first cadilac how she would preen around it.
It is kind of a sickness, Glowbug.
It is terrible for them because they never get enough possessions.
And her 'friends' probably don't like her. They just hang around with her.

The thing is you can't change anyone but yourself. My sister that is like that is 83 now. But she is still like that.

You probably have a warm loving family: Children and husband.
If your children are old enough maybe you can join some kind of club or organization and have a support group.

You don't have to have vacations and cadilacs to be happy. There are many things to talk about besides material possessions. I think joining a book club would be fun.
I understand about the cancer.

About this sister-in-law - when you have to be in a gathering with her and she starts with the bragging - just LOOK AT HER. Look her in the eyes carefully and answer her.
Say to her: "You don't say!!!!????" "Well, for goodness sake!!?". And then just turn to someone else and start a real conversation.
Don't let this woman chase you to the bathroom.

Or you might just sweetly say from the heart:
" good for you. You must have enjoyed that."

I know how you feel. But I assure you that she is speaking from an empty heart.
My sister gets all her thoughts from someone else. She is hollow inside exccept for her possessions.
MJ

Cornflower, thank you so much for your support. Sometimes I try to tell myself, I don't care about her Mercedes or her Lexus or her mansion, but I think what really bothers me is that she has THREE sisters! And I know they may have their disagreemens with each other, but they always have each other. When my husband got cancer, I had no one their from my family with me to help me through, just his brothers, mother and her. I felt so lost, uncomfortable and alone. No one should have to go through life without a friend or some family to help them through situations like these. The holidays are so rough. My mother-in-law, who is now deceased always used to give us a count of how many are in her family. Last count, I think it was 30! I think about how they always laugh and have people to be around, we are always alone and though I know we have each other, my husband, 3 children and I, we all feel the lonliness for someone to call, or visit us. I think that's what really gets me about her, and then I have to see the pictures and hear about it.

You are right, I should not let this woman chase me to the bathroom!