Dealing with isolation

designkid · Post by **designkid** » Sat Apr 04, 2009 8:30 am

I'm sure a lot of you deal with feeling isolated and lonely too so I thought I'd start a topic on it.

I currently have no local friends or family where I live. I moved here for work 1 and a half years ago. My only socialization comes from a few short conversations at work, or phone calls home. I try to talk to my friends through email and IM (Instant Messenger), but since they are living busy lives and socializing with local friends they don't put as much importance on email/IM conversation as I do.

I've had a rough time with this but I think slowly I'm getting better. Sessions 3 and 4 (my big ones) are getting worn out from over-play!

I'm just wondering if any of you deal with isolation, loneliness and struggle particularly with your expectations of other people. "They should be around more. Why do I always have to call them? Sometimes I'm not sure if they need me as much as I need them." While I'm getting much better at it, I say this is probably my biggest issue. I have learned a lot of things along the way though!

We can discuss isolation and loneliness here and support and help each other!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Apr 04, 2009 4:49 pm

You're never alone. God's with you every step of the way

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:59 am

I've found myself in periods of time when I was feeling isolated and lonely also. At the time it seems like it will never end, but things change and life sometimes forces you out of the isolation. We can take a proactive response to the isolation and come up with a goal of figuring out what steps we can take to change the situation. Instead of dwelling on how lonely we are, we can ask ourselves "What can I do to change the situation, and what steps do I need to take to do this?" Even taking small steps to alleviate the situation will help. It will make you feel that you are actively taking part in your life. There are also sometimes in life where we find ourselves in this situation and at the time we may not be able to do anything about it. Realize this will not last forever, and trying to make peace with your aloneness will help. Think of it as enjoying your own company, and just because you may be alone it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, so try really hard to avoid the negative self talk. I've been there and back several times in my life. It will cycle back to where you want to be again - As for old friends not responding to emails etc- this happens and people go through different stages with their own life. It may be a signal for you to start making new friends, or expanding the type of people you would like to be friends with. Have you gotten to the session on expectations? It may help you right now.

Alli · Post by **Alli** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:05 am

Mary's advice is textbook good stuff, so cannot offer better than that. Most of us have this same problem. Doesn't matter if people need us as much as we need them because guess what, those roles are always changing and reversing. Look around with your observant eyes. Surely some of the people you work with would like to have dinner with you after work. This isn't a date thing. This is just saying, Hey, you want to have dinner after work? Yesterday a friend of my mom's called me to ask me if I would stay in touch with her. My mother died a year ago. My mother's friend misses my mom. She was asking me to stay in touch with her because she is lonely and isolated, and all her friends have passed away. She is same age as my mom. Yes, I will stay in touch with her because she asked me. If she had not asked, I would have never thought to do so.
Ask for what you need and want. You won't always get exactly what you ask for, but you will get more than before you asked. Hope that helps.
Isolation and loneliness ARE trademarks of so many types of depression. A very good topic.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:18 am

Thanks so much for the responses! I listen to session 4 a lot and it has really helped me. I find I have to revisit it regularly when I feel my expectations are getting unrealistic.

I have tried making friends here but it is a bit difficult since this isn't a place people typically move to. The people that live here have lived here all their lives and have generations of family living here. I think I've had about 8 friend attempts now that seemed to be going somewhere but never really did. I think the only thing I can do is become comfortable with the solitude. I'm getting very good at occupying myself but I still have rough days. I'm also avidly looking for work in another city.

Positive self talk and managing expectations are really helping. I think I'm wearing sessions 3 and 4 out!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:22 am

So very true what Pecos said about friendship roles changing and reversing. Sometimes they need us more, and sometimes we need them more. Very good suggestion about getting into the habit of asking for what you need or want. Our egos get in the way of this I think. I have always admired people who can come right out and say "I need a friend, would you like to go to dinner sometime?"

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:53 am

Hi all, designkid, this is a great topic and very pertinent to my situation. It just seems my life intersects with few other people. I just don't seem to have much in common with other people as far as activities go, plus social phobia, too. I love how this program teaches me to become my own safe person. this helps me in the alone times. However, I would like to find a social group of some kind for regular interaction, but wouldn't have the slightest idea how.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 12:57 pm

mtnbkr- Your in a wonderful state for hiking! How about a hiking group, walking group, or the Sierra Club? They hike on a regular basis.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:21 am

mtnbkr (nice nickname!)
Yeah there is nothing really forcing me to meet people either and so it falls under my own self-motivation. That of course makes it easy to not do anything. I like Mary's suggestions of a walking or hiking group. The nice thing about those is that since it is a small group of people, it isn't as intimidating as large groups and if some people don't show up, the group still goes ahead!

I asked around at work if there was anything like that here. No luck though. I live in a small place. I think I was misunderstood cause I was told about all the places I could go walk. It's not the walking I want, it's the company!

Anyway, I'm sure we'll think of something. I find even thinking up plans on how to change circumstances is a powerful tool for feeling better.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:32 am

Hi Mary, I really don't go hiking, just with my wife and daughter, pretty light stuff. did a lot when I was young, then got into mountainbiking back in '85 and enjoy that more. Mountain biking has been my primary hobby since then. I biked with the bike club some, but they start on rides before I can get there from work so I end up only doing that when they are close enough to get to the ride after work. that ends up maybe twice a year. believe it or not, there aren't any groups that bike on the weekend regularly (mountainbiking) because the people are too busy on the weekends to be committed to rides. And I have searched. I'm getting older and don't do the 20-40 mile rides anymore. I seem to be caught between the young super riders, and the very casual almost never ride crowds. I don't fit into either one of those two catagories. Wonderful question though, I thank you for your suggestion/ideas, it deserves some thought.