Stress Center Peer Support

Seems I thought I was to never get depressed ohh was I wrong I have had Anxiety since 2001 or so? my wife has been very supportive and patient to care for me for all these years but seems our 20yr. marriage went down hill because of my illness..She had an affair with a co-worker practically lying to me day after day well seems i could not take it anymore for 3 months.. I had to quit my job (we worked in the same building)and now i have hit Depression! Not only did I have to care for my rebellious 16yrs son but left me owing all the credit cards plus the bills@ home. She moved with her mother and were separated for 2 months and now she is living back with us again trying to work things out and pay the bills. Now here is where my insecurity, doubt, hurt, trust well all things that follow when a spouse cheats on you! to make the story short! how can I get better when I am going thru my 2nd week of the course when all I think is "is she back with him? will she leave again? Is she lying to me again? ohh feel like I am going crazy..I do love my wife with all my heart but seems she is up to her old tricks again? Do I let her know what I am thinking or just think about my well being and continue with the course? simply not care anymore? I need some advise? thank you dearly!

Rick G.

I would definitely seek marital counseling. Life after a spouse having an extramarital affair is very tough...and, not to mention you are already suffering with the anxiety and depression on top of it. Good luck. Re-establishing trust is very difficult to do.

Rick
sorry you are going thru a hard time. I will be praying that things take a turn for the better for you guys. I do think counseling would be a good start. If you go to church you could see if a minister would come to your place for the sessions for a while? Just a thought.Anyway I would encourage you to focus on your program for a while and think of it as time to get better. You will get your self esteem back and that will help all other aspects of your marriage. ya know? My hubby gets impatient with me and as I have gotten better his respect for me has grown with it. Its cool how that works.
Take Care


Jill~

Hi Rick G,

I am going to pray for God to take and wrap you your feelings of anxiety and depression and help you to have a directed focus to move affirmatively on the things you can do something about.

You have apparently forgiven you wife for her infidelity, and allowed your wife to return. And you have feelings of distrust about her previous actions and are left to wonder and become anxious about her future actions. You have a rebellious 16 year old, but we don't know the relationship you have with your son. We don't know if you are getting therapy or seeing some other medical professional. No one here is a medical professional, but we can share our life experiences, as they may seem appropriate to your particular situation. The vast majority of the people here are woman and I don't think they can give you insight into what might be in your wife's mind. I will write to you privately and share a man's point of view concerning these matters and help as best I can.

Could you please fill us in about what you think the source of your anxiety might be? I have my own thoughts about this, but I do not want to project what they might be.

I will take up the issues mentioned up in prayer and I will have several prayer warriors that I am sure will stand in agreement with my prayers for you. In the mean time, I will forebear with you.

May God grant you a sense of His peace, as we strive to help you. Amen!

Rick...I am sooo sorry that you are going through such a difficult time in your life!!!

I can only begin to imagine how betrayed and hurt you must feel!!!

As a "born again" Christian, I would seek God's face and guidance in these matters!!! The Holy Spirit will always lead us in the right direction!!!

I say that you give this to God!!! You cannot change your wife, but, God has the power to do all things!!!

I do not believe that it is God's will that marriages split up, but, the Bible does give us the right to divorce someone who has committed fornification!!!

With all of that being said, if it is God's will that you remain in this marriage, then, through prayer He will resolve these issues of trust and will lead and guide you in the direction that He would have you to go!!!

I believe with all my heart that God has a plan for each of us, and that His plan is the "perfect plan"....

Again, I cannot begin to express how sorry I am that all of these things have happened in your marriage!!!

I think you need to continue working the program and it would be a MAJOR PLUS, if you looked directly to Jesus for guidance on this matter!!!

I think Gman has a wonderful point, here!!! Men understand men better and I am sure that he can help you much more than I can in this situation!!!

I pray for you and your wife, as well as you marriage, that God mend the hurt, pain and have His way in this matter!!!

May God's perfect will be done in all things under the sun!!!

God Bless You Richly Rick is my prayer for you!!!

Rick, I am terribly sorry for all that you are going through. I too, have been in that situation years ago. I was the victim in my case. As a "Born again" Christian, I was devestated, to say the least. I had four small children at the time and I too,have struggles with anxiety and depression. He blamed his actions on the "church"(I went to church too much ) and my "insecurities"(brought on by anxiety and depression)..however, I know now that he was grasping any excuse for his actions.

My situation did end in divorce, however he and I we're "unequally yoked" in our beliefs. We do have four beautiful children together and that's all that matters now.

I commend you for trying to make it work! The FACT that you are willing to try and put it all behind you and move forward is HONORABLE!
As Ms T said, "you cannot change your wife"...only God can do that. I will certainly pray for your family.

In the meantime, I would suggest Christian counselling. There has to be some healing time Rick. But again, she will need to be 'willing" to do the same. It's normal that you still feel threatened or insecure about her 'faithfulness" to you. You've been betrayed in the worst way. She will need to earn your trust.
I believe with my whole heart, that GOD forgives!! He can mend your marriage!!! It takes two willing parties.
I don't know the specifics, so I am just referring to what has already been written about the circumstances. I will pray for you and your wife..and you're child as well. It's a tough situation, but where God is in control, hearts can be mended and families can be united in peace and harmony. Father, God Let YOUR will be done in this home..Amen

Please continue to do the program, keeping God at the focal point of everything! We don't know the future, but you can rest assure that GOD does and HE has great things planned for those that keep their faith in him.

In Christ's love,
Momof6

Time to start taking care of yourself my friend. Go out and get some serious exercise every day. Get yourself back in shape. Jog, play tennis, swim, ride a bike, do what ever you enjoy, but just get to doing it! You'll feel better right away.
As far as the cheating thing goes, the more you obsess over it the more you will build it into an insurmountable problem. Find something else to occupy your mind and your thoughts, something you like, a hobby or interest. Your wife will be more likely to stick with you if she sees you in a more self reliant and mentally sound state.
I hope none of this sounds too harsh, I don't mean it that way but sometimes it takes an outsider to wake you up and get you moving in the right direction.
Take care and Peace be with you.

Hi:
I agree with Don 56 here.
You need to get your mind off what happened and you need to be active.

Blessings.
MJ

Do I let her know what I am thinking or just think about my well being and continue with the course? simply not care anymore?

Hi Rick,

She probably knows what you are thinking and I also agree with Cornflower and Don 56 here.

Human nature is a funny thing. People always want what they can't have.

When you are independent and sure of yourself, your wife will take notice and be attentive. When you are unsure of yourself and worried about everything, and it shows, she will feed off that.

In the end by asserting yourself to independence it will only benefit your entire family, and most importantly yourself.

To answer your questions, I would say "no" do not let her know what you are thinking.

Yes, do let her know that you care, but you don't need to reveal that kind of weakness to her, especially at this time.

First of all, I am a medical professional. I have a BS in Nursing, with my minor in Psycology. With that being said, and I don't like to dispute advice, he CANNOT move on without "dealing" with the problem at hand. If he is that distraught, no amount of exercise is going to take away the feelings of betrayal and insecurity that he is suffering.

Something really strange has been happening on this forum lately. I admit, I am not a real religious person, but I do believe in our God, and I do look to him for "healing". My anxiety and depression, however, haven't been healed in more than 25 years. Not through any fault of my own, I might add. But, I do think that far too much religion is being pushed on people anymore. Religion is a choice, and shouldn't, in my opinion, be suggested as "the way out" of the disorders that we suffer from. While, praying to our God, whomever yours maybe, is spiritually healthy, it IS NOT a cure all for most.

Sorry, just my two cents. I still believe that in order for Rick to move forward with his marriage, he and his wife need to seek the services of a professional. Men deal wit issues in a much different manner than women. The biggest and most important difference, they don't normally talk about it, and they NEED to have someone they trust, and can let down their "machoism" with.

Best of everything to you, Rick.