When you've hit rock bottom...

Anyone suffering from depression may post their history, experience, comments and/or suggestions. Please refrain from indepth discussions about medicines or other therapies.
aayres8184
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:26 pm

When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by aayres8184 » Sat May 03, 2014 9:41 pm

Hi all,
What do you do when you've hit rock bottom? People know you battle with depression, but they do NOTHING about it. They tell you everything will be okay. They know your dealing with this, but they just don't know how real it is. Depression consumes my life. I am a wife and mother of two and I struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings. I use my days trying to figure out how to set up life after I'm gone. So what do you do when you've hit rock bottom? Thanks.

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by mark167 » Mon May 05, 2014 9:56 pm

You keep trying. You have to keep trying and don't give up and let the negative thinking overwhelm and overtake you. People may know you battle with depression and may do nothing about it but they usually don't know what to do about it, unless they have been through it themselves. Mild depression is one thing and something more ppl can understand, but major and chronic depression is a whole other story and it is very real and scary. It is unfamiliar and scary to those that might want to or try to help and support us. When depression consumes our lives and we struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings, that is when we need a lot of help and support. Do u have a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist or even a support group or services that can help u deal with your thoughts and feelings? Are you on any medication now? Have you been working your program? If you have gone though it already it might help now to review the lessons that helped you the most.
I am a father of 2 young children and when I was struggling the most, I kept going because of them. As much pain as I was in, I couldn't stand the thought of how much pain I would cause them by ending my life. Instead of using your time trying to figure out things for after you are gone, use your time to figure out how to set up a good life for you now and in the future. I know it is not easy. You need to take things slowly, even just baby steps, to turn your life around, one step and one day at a time, and you will succeed. Just keep trying and taking action to move forward. Also, always remember that there are a lot of good ppl here on this site, in the forums and chatroom, who understand what you are dealing with and are here to support you!
Like the saying goes, it's always darkest before the dawn. It will get better :)

aayres8184
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:26 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by aayres8184 » Mon Aug 18, 2014 10:07 pm

Hi Mark,
Thank you for your message. I've struggled with this depression for about 15 years now. I've told my story multiple times to multiple people. I come back to this website when I have no where else to turn and I am ready to quit. Even though the past message was from May, it is now August and I am more depressed than ever. I want to die. I hate this roller coaster ride. I've reached out to so many people that I have a whole new meaning of desperation. I can't erase violent images of blood, sharp knives, and means of suicide from my head. It is exhausting to live this way. During the day, I pretend to smile and laugh for my two daughters, husband, and friends. It's so hard to hold back these feelings and now I'm starting to reach a new level of loneliness and despair. It's getting to the point that I can't pretend anymore and my girls used to be my motivation, but now I see I can be replaced. Of course I wouldn't want them to grow up without a mother, but I'm sure my husband would have no problem remarrying. I see a therapist, but it's been a while because of summer vacation. I also take meds... It just seems like I have no where else to turn. Even people who I thought were reliable and truly my friends have hurt me the most. Thanks for your response. I appreciate you taking the time. -Ashley

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by mark167 » Tue Aug 19, 2014 11:21 pm

Hi Ashley, Thank you for your post and updating us and being so open about it. That is important. It helps to share our story, especially with people who understand what you are going through and want to help and support you. I'm glad that you feel you can turn to this site, but don't wait until you are feeling so desperate and ready to quit. I think posting regularly on this forum, and getting feedback from others, would help, as would going on the chat, but unfortunately there are not often many members on there. Do you have other sources of support that you can reach out to? If you are not able to see your therapist (you should try to see her/him again as soon as possible), maybe there is someone you can contact through your hospital or local/state mental health organizations. It might also be a good idea to see your doctor about the meds you are taking to see if you need a change or alteration in dosage. There are also a number of good online resources and toll free phone lines that you can reach out to in times of crisis or despair. You are also welcome to private message me here if you want to. I completely understand how hard it is to hold back those feelings and thoughts, especially when you reach those low levels of loneliness and despair. It is exhausting to live that way and a very unpleasant rollercoaster ride. But don't despair. You are not alone here. Reach out for that help and support you need. Do it for yourself, because you are worth it, and for your friends, husband and daughters especially. You are not replaceable and they need you, and I'm sure they want you to be happy and healthy again. So do I. Please stay in touch.

aayres8184
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:26 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by aayres8184 » Fri Aug 22, 2014 9:06 pm

Hi Mark,

Thank you for responding. It means a lot. Over the past few days, I haven't quite felt like killing myself. Something that I read made me think about the results of suicide: when a person commits suicide, one person's pain is taken away but then there are many more people who now have this same unbearable pain in their lives. So even though I struggle with my own clenching pain, I think it makes sense for me to suck it up and just deal with it. I had a meeting with my therapist this week. He is very helpful and he really helps me to check in with reality. The meeting with him was a bit frustrating, but I was able to use what he told me to make some sense of things. I do have others to reach out to, but one of my close friends recently revealed everything I told him (in secret) to my husband. My husband loves me dearly and I love him too, but he just doesn't get depression. I tell my husband some things, but not all. My friend let him know about everything that I had revealed in private. This was hurtful. So, I am here for now. I still hate this illness and part of me thinks I would be better if I was dead. I truly still believe that I am replaceable. I've seen my daughters with other motherly figures, and they do just fine. So, it seems like you get this. I'm still weak, but I'm still alive. Now I just need to figure out my next move. Thanks for replying.

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by mark167 » Tue Sep 02, 2014 8:20 pm

Hi Ashley, How have you been doing the past week or so? I am glad to hear you weren't thinking quite as negatively. That is a good step in the right direction. I am also glad to hear you met with your therapist and I hope you will continue to do so. Seek whatever help you can from different sources. Also, keep focusing on the benefits of being alive and sharing your gifts with your family. I understand that your husband probably doesn't get depression, but I'm sure he wants to help you if he can or at the very least, wants you to get better. Even if it what was hurtful, your friend telling him your private thoughts was probably the right thing to do under the circumstances, which were pretty much life and death. I know how much a struggle it is to try to deal with the unbearable, clenching pain. Just try to remember that it will get better, and that you are worth it, and I'm sure you don't want your loved ones to bear this avoidable pain. Please take care and keep moving forward and stay in touch.

aayres8184
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:26 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by aayres8184 » Sat Sep 13, 2014 9:27 pm

Hi Mark, I just don't know how you stay so strong. Every time I read your post, you sound like you have it all together. I just don't know. I feel like I'm back on the roller coaster and I'm going down, down. I am so weak right now. There are people who want to help me, but it seems like my husband is interrupting all of those contacts. He picks up my phone or iPad and reads all of my messages and texts. Last night, we had a big confrontation about all of this. Uhhhhhh.... It is so draining and unbearable. I just need to reach out to people and get help, but he doesn't get it. I'm still with my therapist and I called my psychiatrist to tell him that I don't think my meds are working. I think of suicide every day. I want to die. I hate me. I hate being alive. Another member in our community just committed suicide, so it brings those thoughts back to my mind. I am in so much emotional pain that I really can't stand it anymore. Thank you for being there.... You don't know how much it means.

Ashley

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by mark167 » Mon Sep 15, 2014 1:36 pm

Hi Ashley, Believe me, I don't feel strong at all most of the time, and I definitely don't have it all together. I would like to think that I have learned a fair amount from my long experience with depression and being on this site the past few years. I have been on that rollercoaster a long time with a lot more downs than ups the past 6 or even 15 years. I know that feeling of weakness, helplessness and hopelessness very well, so even though I still dont feel very well or strong, I do feel better now than I have in the past. I try to be helpful and supportive to anyone in need, and I find that fulfilling and much easier than dealing with my own issues.
I know you can and will get better. I realize it is easier said than done. You need to continue to reach out and get the help you need, regardless of if your husband gets it or not. Continue seeing your therapist and if you feel your meds aren't working, which it seems they aren't (if you have been on them long enough for them to have had a positive effect by now), see your psychiatrist as soon as possible. I know how hard it is to deal with those daily, negative, scary thoughts, and that it seems almost impossible to change them into positive thoughts when you are at rock bottom, but try to think of wanting to live, wanting to get better, wanting to have your life back again. You have withstood a lot of emotional and mental pain the past few months, so you are stronger than you think. You can bear with it and bounce back and get better and start going up, up , up again! Thank you for being here and please keep posting. It means a lot to me too.

aayres8184
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:26 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by aayres8184 » Wed Sep 17, 2014 10:19 pm

Hi Mark,
Thanks again for responding. It means so much. I've had my depression for about 16 years now. So it's been a long battle, and honestly, it's frustrating to hear that battling with depression is a lifelong battle. I don't know if I can put up with this shit for that long.
This week has been unbearable. I think it truly has been the worst week of depression I've ever had. I can hardly get out of bed. I can make it to work, but when I do, I find myself sobbing at my desk before the start of every day. I can't sleep and when I do I have crazy nightmares that jolt me awake. I have constant thoughts of violence, death, and suicide. I'm not hungry, which I could stand to loose a few pounds, but I'm eating crackers and pudding. I'm drinking alcohol like it's the medication I need. I feel angry and so, so sad. I have a sickening amount of anxiety that makes me sick to the stomach. It's all kinda scary and out of control.
In two days, I meet with my psychiatrist. I'm hoping he'll change my meds. I'm desperate. This can't get any worse, can it?
Thanks,
Ashley

mark167
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:31 pm

Re: When you've hit rock bottom...

Post by mark167 » Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:13 pm

Hi Ashley, I hope your week has been better, or at least more bearable. How did it go with the psychiatrist? Did he change your meds, or offer you good advice/support? I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a long while. I found he wasn't very helpful and only discussed meds. I found I got better when I met regularly with a psychologist, but that ended a year ago. My psychiatrist had once told me that because I have been dealing with depression for so long, and had 3 extreme (and 2 severe) bouts of depression in a relatively short period of time, depression is something I would have to deal with and treat for life. I was discouraged to hear that and 4 years ago I thought I wouldn't be able handle it much longer, but I have and I'm still here!
Lately I have been struggling again and it isn't easy to stop the slide back into that deep, dark hole, but I am trying to hold ground. I am feeling very stuck and immobilized and don't feel like doing anything. Instead of the usual difficulty trying to sleep, I am now sleeping too much. I don't eat much and that just makes it harder to find the energy to do things. I also find my anxiety has gone way up and I get that sick feeling in my stomach. I don't really ever feel angry but definitely am very sad. I'm not at that point yet where it feels scary and out of control, so I suppose it could be worse, but I hope it wont be. I hope you have bottomed out and are starting to recover and feel better and are heading towards better days. Please keep us posted.

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