When you've hit rock bottom...

[aayres8184]

Hi Mark,
Sorry to here that you're starting to slip again. It's so hard to separate depression and anxiety from you, as a person. Since you know these symptoms all too well, I think it might be a good idea to go to a psychiatrist and psychologist again. It sounds like you might need to find a new psychiatrist, so start looking now so that you can get in as soon as possible. I know what you mean about the gripping anxiety. And that deep, dark hole can be unbearable. I pray that you can find peace and hope.

Honestly, about three weeks ago, my depression and anxiety reached a whole new level. I couldn't go to work, I was drinking alcohol every night just to try and get rid of the pain, and I couldn't eat or sleep. I wrote a suicide note and I started experimenting with different methods of suicide. One night, I had a belt wrapped around my neck. Another night, I drank lots of vodka and took several pills. During one of these episodes, I reached out to my neighbor. Long story short, with the help of lots of friends and my neighbor, I chose to go to the hospital and stay in the psych unit for about 4 days. This was the most difficult decision that I have ever made in my life. I felt like I was giving up all control and I wasn't quite sure what I was getting into. Usually I'm the one who takes care of everyone else, not the other way around. We had group counseling, they adjusted my meds, and I made goals and a safety plan that helps me to stay on track. Of course it wasn't easy, I didn't see daylight for four days, I missed my family terribly, and I was totally out of my comfort zone. But honestly, I think that's what I needed. Right now, I feel much more stable than before. I am about 50% of the way there. I feel more at peace and I have accepted the fact that this is something I'm going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. I've learned new ways to deal with depression and anxiety. So things are starting to get better.

I hope that you can find the strength to get out of the darkness that you're feeling. You know what symptoms to look out for, so be sure to speak up and get help. The longer you wait, the worse it could get. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. I wish you the best.
-Ashley

[mark167]

Thank you Ashley. I am very glad to hear you are much more stable and I hope you are continuing to get even better and stronger. I know how difficult that decision must have been to go to the hospital but you made the right decision and did what you had to in order to get better. You needed to get that help to get back on track with your life and be the mother and wife you want to be. I hope you are able to continue with group or private counselling, and are taking your meds, and following your plan to achieve your goals.
A few years ago, when I was at a rock bottom, I went to a crisis centre, and when I admitted I had had suicidal thoughts, I was taken to the hospital. I was sooo scared and didn't want to stay and I told the psychiatrist there that I would do whatever I had to in order to get better. I was given the option of staying or not, so I left, feeling more committed to doing what I needed to do. In hindsight, it probably would have been best to stay there and get the help I truly needed. Maybe I would be in a better position now had I stayed, but I was scared to leave my girls and to have the rest of my family find out just how badly I was doing. Up until a year ago, I had a good (and free) psychologist to help me, but I cant afford to go to another one and will have to go on a waiting list again to hopefully be able to see the same one. I feel quite stuck and am facing this struggle almost completely alone. I am trying to get moving on some of the important things I need to do, and to be more active, but it is a daily battle against the negative thoughts and lack of motivation and energy. I am trying to remain hopeful that I can find peace and get out of this hole.

[aayres8184]

Hi Mark,
First, thanks for replying. So many thoughts come to mind when I read your post. Yes, I am in a much better situation than I was about a month ago. I truly felt that was the end of the road for me. I thought that life was over and I was more than ready to kill myself. But that's what depression does to us. It gets in our heads and controls every thought we have and every action we take. Anxiety grips us so much that we can't go on with the everyday routine of life. Drinking alcohol just made things worse. But now, my meds are finally starting to take affect combined with the life changes that I have made.

Seriously Mark, if things get too bad for you, the hospital is the place to go. As long as you advocate for yourself, you will have your meds adjusted within moments, you have access to a therapist, support groups, and more. Yes, it was frightening to think that my whole family, work, and friends would know my whole story, but really, I couldn't see any other answer at that point besides suicide. And I didn't want my girls to be growing up without a mother.

If you just can't go to the hospital (I had a good friend take me), then maybe try a support group. NAMI had groups all over the world. But really, it's a combination of meds, life changes, and having a strong group of friends. You have to let people know how bad things are. You are NOT alone. That's what I thought too, but honestly, people are there fighting with you.

I've made lots of changes in how I live too... I spend a lot of time using the coping strategies that I learned at the hospital- like exercising, doing puzzles, reading books, writing in a journal, watching movies, gardening, listening to music, and taking back my faith. These things sound so artificial, but these are the things that have made a world of difference for me. My therapist says I am strengthening my psychological muscle, my brain.

So YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If anything, I am here with you, fighting with you. Depression and anxiety suck and trust me, I know. But keep fighting. Things will get better. Peace is out there, you just have to fight for it. Like you told me, keep posting and I am here for you. Thanks.
-Ashley

[missgsr]

aayres, I am the same way...this is where I come when I have nowhere else to turn. This place has saved me more than once as I too ride this roller coaster. Having a pretty hard time right now. I've had horrible anxiety in my life but the depression is starting to take that over. Drove myself to the hospital yesterday because I was afraid of my thoughts and how badly I wanted them to come true but once I got there, I felt like a fool so I just sat in the parking lot and cried for 2 hours before going back home to sleep it off. This morning I woke up and was crying within an hour. Came closer to an actual full blown panic attack in traffic this morning than I have in many years. Thank you for your post, aayres AND mark. It's always so encouraging to see people making it through these tough times. I know I'll be okay one day soon, but remembering that at every minute of every day is tough.

[coachchris]

We are always here to help. Join us in the chat-room every Friday at 12 pm or Monday evening 9 pm EDT. You are not alone.

We also have BootCamp webinars several times a week now for added support. If you would like more information on that just PM or email me.

Coach Chris