I have no energy, no drive, no desire to do anything. I get up and go to work and can't even function. I am more and more anti social (shutting my office door, not making client appointments, not returning phone calls or sometimes even emails). This is not me. I finished this program a few years ago and did great on it. Then my husband found another woman after years of mesticking it out in a mostly verbally abusive marraige (I do say MOSTLY...there was more). He works at the same place as me and through his position (which is lower than mine, actually, but contacts with more people on site) he has told people that all of the things he did to me in our marriage I actually did to him. I never told people how he was, but my children and our families know. First hand. Though I am happy to be rid of him, I am sick of him being in my life...we have children together though. His family has been MY family for decades, but now I've essentially lost them too. That is the loss that is hard to bear. Then after a tragedy of sorts (which I believe my ex perpetuated on his own...he threatened to do it thousands of times during our marriage and I even have it documented in my journals), he now has the sympathy of coworkers, family, and even our children...you know, the kids he called "burdens" to their faces and spit on when he was angry...?
I have a wonderful fiance now, but I worry about losing him...in that sometimes I think of him like my ex...going to do what he wants, wanting things his way...even though he is asking me my opinions. It sounds crazy. I feel crazy.
My ex told several coworkers...HIS employees...lies about me and so now everywhere I go on worksite, if someoene responds or replies to me in a way even slightly off from what I was anticipating or think should be normal I wonder what they heard about me. To top it off, the CEO, who I worked with personally for many years, thinks it is his fault I am divorced and that I can't do my job as a single woman (I am supposed to be making a lot of personal client calls...often with male clients) that is the same job I was doing to his satisfaction when I was married. He said if he hadn't promoted me, my husband would not have gotten jealous and left me for another woman. It's not true! My marriage was awful before! But I didn't tell...even though I came to work with swollen eyes from crying all night...I never said anythign to ruin my husband's reputation. So now it just sounds like a ridiculous story if I would try to say anything. I told the CEO myself what really happened, and still he persists in his opinions...now he doesn't seem to like anything I do...even when it benefits the company and is successful. He will comment to my boss that I am wasting people's time with that idea, or that he doesn't like what I write, etc. Hence...THE NOTHING I feel now at work.
And I can't leave...not until my youngest child graduates HS...in another year. Too complicated to explain, but I sincerely can't leave this job until then.
So I know I should just be happy and enjoy my children and my fiance. And stop worrying that my ex is talking about me. And not stress when he sends me a text telling me that people are complaining about our child (I have full custody, but we agreed that our child can see him whenever...old enough to make that decision)...or riding and parking near my house when I'm not there (my neighbor tells me). I should stop being paranoid, but I know him and I know how well he can manipulate. He can't be the person he wants everyone to believe he is with me still in the vicinity. So he wants me gone...subtly. So instead of saying an outright lie to the administration (he does not have the ear of the CEO, but he does with some of the family of the CEO), he will say something like, "Well...you know she started working with all of those big money men and I just couldn't make her happy anymore..." SIGH. And you KNOW what everyone with a so-inclined mind thinks...I was having an affair, I'm a gold digger, whatever. I sounds crazy...but I KNOW him. He feels he has to put defenses up when I'm not even going to attack him. In the beginning of our seperation he spend a lot of time texting me about his current sexual escapades and then would tell me that they were all lies...and then do it again in a different way. So if I said anything to anyone...like that he told me he was sleeping with his employees on work site, as he told me...he could tell them how crazy I was and prove it wasn't true. He sets this crap up.
I'm losing it. my mind is a million miles an hour. I'm out of breath and achy all the time. If you saw me you wouldn't know it though...I look nice, I dress nicely, my house is clean. I smile. I talk to whomever talks to me. I cook dinner for my family and my fiance almost every night. But I'm paranoid. I'm tired...to the point of falling asleep at work sometimes and having to get up and walk around to snap out of it. I don't seem to care about anything much including my own health.
A few other add-ons...finishing my degree now while working full time (literally I finish it in 2 weeks). My youngest child has made a stupid error in judgement and now I am having to deal with an attornery, a probation officer, and a federal judge...plus the associated costs...and not telling anyone except my fiance and my parents who are helping me to pay for this. I know part of it is being a teenager, but my child is unappreciative, and while he now does what is is supposed to in order to "stay in line" he doesn't go out of his way to do ANYTHING that shows he appreciates the bind he has put me in or what I am doing for him (day to day and this)...even though he is well aware of what his life would be like if we were still with his father. He also uses lines on me that his father used..."you should know I'm not doing _____" and "If you don't trust me than we have bigger problems than you realize..." when he was lying to my face (as was his father when he used those lines). I don't trust. I overthink. I worry. I second guess.
Sorry this is so long. Just desperate and sick of The Nothing. Suggestions?
Thanks.
The Nothing
Re: The Nothing
I am sorry for everything that you have gone through. I hope you can look at the positives such as getting out of the previous marriage, finding the courage to continue your life after the divorce, finding love in your new fiance, and having your child graduating soon. Even though you child has gotten in trouble, he can still become a wonderful productive member of society. If you can, start talking to a therapist or get a hold of a coach at the StressCenter.com, to help get to the root of your problem. I have recently restarted the program, maybe that could also help you. I know you can get through this! Stay strong 