Life always seems to change when you least expect it.
For me, it seems that is all my life has been doing for the past 3 or so years and it is creating a feeling of depression for me.
I have been struggling with Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was about 7 years old. I am now 23. As if that wasn't enough to deal with, I've become an obsessive worrier, agoraphobic, depressed and suffering from panic disorder.
This past week I have felt exceptionally depressed and just felt like venting to those who understand how I feel.
Long story short...
I graduated hair school in 2010 and decided to move to Los Angeles to pursue my career path.
My parents decided to divorce after 30 years of marriage, 2 months before I moved.
I continued on with my journey and moved to LA. I didn't speak to either of my parents for about 5 months because they were putting me in the middle of everything.
I was finally living my dream and met a wonderful guy in the meantime.
He was going to school in Nashville and asked me to move there with him.
After being in LA for two years, I decided this could be a good change.
He ended up breaking up with me by taking our relationship off of facebook just hours before my flight out.
My lease was up, my stuff was shipped and I was getting on the plane. He insisted on ignoring me and not explaining himself.
Next thing I knew I was back in my hometown. Right at square one.
No apartment, no car, and nowhere really to call home since my parents had been separated.
The thought of being there, back where I came from made me so sick.
I had no motivation to do anything.
For the first few months all I heard is "why are you here" "why aren't you in LA" "t's so dumb you came back"
I couldn't face anyone.
I tried finding a place for myself and I even stayed with my mom for a few months and I just felt and still feel so alone.
Shortly after that I came to the worst of my anxiety in 16 years.
I wasn't leaving my moms bed, I felt like I'd never be the same again. Like a sense of numbness.
My terminally ill grandfather died a few months after.
I was losing everything at once.
my parents, my career, my boyfriend, my grandpa, my sanity.
I started partying hard and got an apt with a couple of girls.
My best friend moved out and the other roommate decided to do everything to make my life more miserable.
I had no choice but to move again, 3 hours away from my hometown to where my dad lives.
That's where I am now.
It's hard changing so much when you're an adult.
making friends, new job, no car (still) sharing one with my dad and feeling alone.
I guess I feel depressed because I was once living my dream. I felt proud and alive and passionate.
I've had work published in numerous magazines, made the top 20 for a reality show, met celebrities. Just a crazy lifestyle. And now I feel as if I will never know how my life will turn out, where I will be, or how to regain my success.
It seems merely impossible when you are living in a non creative, small Stress area.
It feels a bit better to type this out.
Thank you for listening.
-Brittney
Feeling Like I've Lost it All
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brittneyyy
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 2:35 pm
- Location: Mitten State
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notimpressed
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Sun Sep 08, 2013 4:45 pm
Re: Feeling Like I've Lost it All
Brittany,
I'm glad that I came across your story because it is similar in some aspects I will tell you what I mean. I felt that my life changed a lot since 2010. I live here at home with my mom and brother. We always lived a life of peace tranquility, there was a lot of laughter in our home. My mom would be in her bedroom talking on the phone laughing with someone, I was in my bedroom playing a intereractive game laughing with other people and then my brother would be in his bed room laughing at something on television. I did not have much to worry about accept what I wanted my characters to do in my game (I like to play the game Sims). We were able to go shopping, talking and laughing while we were walking to the store. Then when 2010 came our lives turn upside down. We had problems with family issues, mom was having problems with her health insurance, her primary doctor gave her bad news: She told my mom that if she wouldn't survive her next birthday or Christmas so the Christmas in 2010 was not good. That year when mom was a patient in the hospital, a hospital doctor came into the room and said "my dear you have cancer". Mom asked where was the cancer at and he said that he did not know but he wanted her to begin chemo that following Monday. When mom was discharged from the hospital she was so depressed that all she would do is stare out of space and walk around with anger. After she was told the bad news by a doctor, our nightmare began. She saw a oncologist who had a personality cold as ice; then mom had an appointment to see her new primary doctor and they were no better. Things kept leading to other negative bad news to the point that it was making us feel like we were losing our minds.
Before mom received the bad diagnosis we lost a neighbor who was only in his thirties (he had surgery and it did not go well), my dad who lives in another state than I do had decided to divorce my mom. I don't know the reason for the divorce, I just remember that he had a good conversation with my mom (which had me believing that things were okay). Things became a big mess after that, my mom began feeling lonely and depressed and feeling like she is a bad person (which she is not, my mom is a friendly and giving person). My oldest brother got involved (siding with my dad why? don't know). I have not talked with my dad for awhile (almost a year).
In these last few days I have been feeling so depressed that I can't see straight I've had bad thoughts in my head. Because of the negative things mom have been experiencing, she wants to move away but I have a concern about her health and other things. I don't believe she has cancer its just that mom is a very sensitive person and her health suffers when she is upset.
Can I add you as a friend? so we can lean on each others shoulders.
and 
I'm glad that I came across your story because it is similar in some aspects I will tell you what I mean. I felt that my life changed a lot since 2010. I live here at home with my mom and brother. We always lived a life of peace tranquility, there was a lot of laughter in our home. My mom would be in her bedroom talking on the phone laughing with someone, I was in my bedroom playing a intereractive game laughing with other people and then my brother would be in his bed room laughing at something on television. I did not have much to worry about accept what I wanted my characters to do in my game (I like to play the game Sims). We were able to go shopping, talking and laughing while we were walking to the store. Then when 2010 came our lives turn upside down. We had problems with family issues, mom was having problems with her health insurance, her primary doctor gave her bad news: She told my mom that if she wouldn't survive her next birthday or Christmas so the Christmas in 2010 was not good. That year when mom was a patient in the hospital, a hospital doctor came into the room and said "my dear you have cancer". Mom asked where was the cancer at and he said that he did not know but he wanted her to begin chemo that following Monday. When mom was discharged from the hospital she was so depressed that all she would do is stare out of space and walk around with anger. After she was told the bad news by a doctor, our nightmare began. She saw a oncologist who had a personality cold as ice; then mom had an appointment to see her new primary doctor and they were no better. Things kept leading to other negative bad news to the point that it was making us feel like we were losing our minds.
Before mom received the bad diagnosis we lost a neighbor who was only in his thirties (he had surgery and it did not go well), my dad who lives in another state than I do had decided to divorce my mom. I don't know the reason for the divorce, I just remember that he had a good conversation with my mom (which had me believing that things were okay). Things became a big mess after that, my mom began feeling lonely and depressed and feeling like she is a bad person (which she is not, my mom is a friendly and giving person). My oldest brother got involved (siding with my dad why? don't know). I have not talked with my dad for awhile (almost a year).
In these last few days I have been feeling so depressed that I can't see straight I've had bad thoughts in my head. Because of the negative things mom have been experiencing, she wants to move away but I have a concern about her health and other things. I don't believe she has cancer its just that mom is a very sensitive person and her health suffers when she is upset.
Can I add you as a friend? so we can lean on each others shoulders.
and Re: Feeling Like I've Lost it All
Hello Brittany,
I would love that my English was better and respond to you letter in a deepest way. anyways I am going to try my best
.
I had one of the most difficult 9 years of my life( 2002-2011 ).
I start a very complicated relationship, I just happened to live in a new country, with a very controlling family whom didn't let me be independent, like you, I didn't have a car, job, money, etc.
Every end of each year I promised and dream a better life for myself, but the years past and my situation it got worst and worst. I was living without hope, without love, without dreams, without myself. I cried many, many times , I try to calm my pain, my double life, sadness, anxiety and depression with alcohol, abusing my body until I lost my health.
On day I just woke up and finally decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. It took me courage, and a daily fight with myself, but finally I am living a happy life. I am happily marry, working, driving , traveling and feeling happy and bless.
I wanted to share my experience with you, so you know that even when it feels as the bad moments never are gone, IT WILL PAST!, and the result is going to be a stronger you!.
Love yourself, hug yourself...
Hugs....
Selva
I would love that my English was better and respond to you letter in a deepest way. anyways I am going to try my best
.I had one of the most difficult 9 years of my life( 2002-2011 ).
I start a very complicated relationship, I just happened to live in a new country, with a very controlling family whom didn't let me be independent, like you, I didn't have a car, job, money, etc.
Every end of each year I promised and dream a better life for myself, but the years past and my situation it got worst and worst. I was living without hope, without love, without dreams, without myself. I cried many, many times , I try to calm my pain, my double life, sadness, anxiety and depression with alcohol, abusing my body until I lost my health.
On day I just woke up and finally decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. It took me courage, and a daily fight with myself, but finally I am living a happy life. I am happily marry, working, driving , traveling and feeling happy and bless.
I wanted to share my experience with you, so you know that even when it feels as the bad moments never are gone, IT WILL PAST!, and the result is going to be a stronger you!.
Love yourself, hug yourself...
Hugs....
Selva
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daniele1986
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:55 pm
Re: Feeling Like I've Lost it All
Hello Brittany,
I can relate to your post so well. I started having anxiety at the age of 16. I was put on anxiety medicine and for awhile it helped. When I was about 19 I stopped taking it and didn't feel like I needed it anymore. I never really liked taking medicine to begin with. At the age of 21 however all my anxiety came back. When I was 20 I moved to TX to be with my first love and we lived in a very small town with nothing around us. After 5 months of being there I decided to come home because I was very unhappy. As soon as I got back my anxiety took over. I couldnt go anywhere without feeling anxious but i refused to take medicine. After awhile it did go away and I was able to live a normal life. Now at the age of 27 my anxiety is at it's worse. About a year ago my house was involved in a fire where I was displaced for about a month. Ever since then I am afraid to drive, leave my house and be alone. And on top of it all i just lost my mom 2 days ago to cancer. She only had it a few months and we all thought she was going to be able to come home but things didnt work out that way. I feel as though I lost my best friend and a part of me is missing. I try to just remember the good times and know she isnt suffering anymore but its just so hard. I hope things get better for your mom and your family. Although I feel like i lost everything it gives me piece that she is in a better place. I hope the best for you.
Daniele
I can relate to your post so well. I started having anxiety at the age of 16. I was put on anxiety medicine and for awhile it helped. When I was about 19 I stopped taking it and didn't feel like I needed it anymore. I never really liked taking medicine to begin with. At the age of 21 however all my anxiety came back. When I was 20 I moved to TX to be with my first love and we lived in a very small town with nothing around us. After 5 months of being there I decided to come home because I was very unhappy. As soon as I got back my anxiety took over. I couldnt go anywhere without feeling anxious but i refused to take medicine. After awhile it did go away and I was able to live a normal life. Now at the age of 27 my anxiety is at it's worse. About a year ago my house was involved in a fire where I was displaced for about a month. Ever since then I am afraid to drive, leave my house and be alone. And on top of it all i just lost my mom 2 days ago to cancer. She only had it a few months and we all thought she was going to be able to come home but things didnt work out that way. I feel as though I lost my best friend and a part of me is missing. I try to just remember the good times and know she isnt suffering anymore but its just so hard. I hope things get better for your mom and your family. Although I feel like i lost everything it gives me piece that she is in a better place. I hope the best for you.
Daniele