All alone

[blondie30]

This is my story in a nutshell. I grew up in a home where we didn't have much but we had enough. My father was a heavy drinker and would get violent from time to time, mostly mental abuse, which explains why I have such a tough time with confrontation, and criticsim. I married and struggled a little with depression but started attending church and getting very active in my community. I was married just under 18 years, we both had affairs toward the end and got divorced. I was laid off from my job and decided to move 2000 miles to make a go with my boyfriend. I left one son 17 back in Utah and brought my 15 year old son with me. The first 6-9 months weren't bad I thought, but it was just leading up to now. About 9 months ago I started losing my appitite and stopped going out socially or even shopping. I started missing alot of work and didn't even want to get out of bed. A little over a week ago I was admitted to the hospital with dehydration, and malnutrition. That weekend after being reliesed we went out with friends. I had a panic attack being out socially. After realizing what was going on I worked hard over the next several days to eat and cut back on my drinking. I had some really strong good days, until last night. I had a hard day at work, my co-workers like to remind me of each mistake I make, or they think I make, I am kinda the scapegoat. I tend to go into my own world then and put in my headphones. I was hoping that when I got home my boyfriend would be supportive and understanding. Instead he acted like I didn't exist. When I said I had a bad day, he said we all have bad days, but you don't hear me coming home bitching about it and trying to unload it on everybody else. I tried to explain that home is supposed to be your soft place to land when you do have a bad day, the people you love and who love you are supposed to help lift you back up when your down. Instead I got so its all supposed to fall on home, I'm supposed to do it all. I'm struggling because this is not what I inteded to sign up for, but I'm not sure if I want to end the relationship, and move again, or try to find ways to strengthen myself and bring power to myself before I make any big decisions. If I do the latter any ideas on how to find myself without relying on others for their support or approval?

[Nelson Project]

First off I can see that you have been through a lot. Second, I am not sure that anyone would have all the answers that you are looking for, but I do know that making big decisions under depression, is normally not a good thing to do. You know your personal situation better than anyone, and you are the only one that can evaluate the status of it. I know that the key to having a strong and healthy relationship starts with two healthy and strong people. I would encourage you to seek out the help you need for you first, then make sure you have a strong bond with your children. After that, other relationships will be easier to build and grow.

Are you looking at this program, being that you are on the site? You have to take the steps to restore you, others can offer you support in the process.

I wish you the best.