Living With Dysthymia
Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 11:10 pm
I know no one wishes they had depression, but I wish I had Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I know this sounds odd. But I’ve been diagnosed with Dystymia, and given the choice I’d rather have MDD. All of the self help books I’ve read or scanned through focus on MDD: what it is, how to recognize it, how to deal with it and then get back to “normal” Many books mention Dystymia in passing, only to define it and then dismiss it. It’s the Rodney Dangerfield of depression. It doesn’t get no respect.
Dysthymia is a chronic condition. It’s usually defined as low mood lasting at least 2 years and characterized by such symptoms as low self esteem, guilty feelings, difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, thoughts of death. That’s my “normal” It’s with me constantly, like Churchill’s “Black Dog”. I also have depressive episodes brought on by external factors. That’s why, as I’ve recently learned, Dystymia is also called “Double Depression” Lucky me: 2 for the price of one.
The easiest way to describe it is feeling like Charlie Brown. *Rats* Nobody likes me. I can’t do anything right. I can’t kick a football, fly a kite or write with a fountain pen. The Red Hair girl doesn’t know I exist. I’m wishy-washy. Many people who have MDD have difficulty getting out of bed, handling responsibility or performing daily tasks. That’s not me. I’m the most reliable person you know. I never miss a day of work (OK 1 day in the last 12 years. Nobody’s perfect). Every bill gets paid on time. I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there. I’m the Rock of Gibralter. Or so it seems from the outside. Inside I feel insecure, inferior to all others, shy, awkward, afraid of embarrassing myself, can’t assert myself, passive. I have no talents, can’t play a musical instrument, can’t fix anything, no area of expertise. What a self image, huh? But I’m a very nice person, pretty well educated, and … uh…ummm…Hmmm. Well, I’m stuck. I really can’t think of much else. (Well, I do have a sense of humor).
Dysthymia doesn’t pass like “regular depression” And a person who has it may not recognize it as a form of depression. The symptoms are subtle. This is your every day state of mind. A person going through a Major Depression is more likely to recognize it because their feelings are so different that their normal self. They feel, well depressed. Dysthymia is sometimes referred to as a “mild” form of depression. See?. What did I tell you, no respect.
I finally recognized my feeling as possibly being depression about 4 ½ years ago. I went to a psychologist who diagnosed me with having Dystymia and anxiety. One of the curses of Dysthemic Disorder is treatment resistance. My therapist assured me early on that CBT works for most people. I interpreted that as “Most people, except me”. I found talk therapy to be just that: talk. Didn’t help a bit. In fact. I felt more depressed because I was now thinking about it all the time. Denial had been my way of dealing with it. Medication didn’t help. I tried 5 different medications, and the side effects I experienced included: inability to sleep, rapid weight gain, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, hunger & rapid heart beat. The only one that had any effect on me was Celexa, and that was temporary. I felt the benefits ebbing away after 2 months. Even when I increased my dosage, it had no effect. I quit medication after trying for a year and a half. I was left feeling the way I had before, but with a 40 pound weight gain. Just what every depressed person needs: another reason to feel bad about yourself.
Dystymia is like a dirty snowball. It accumulates more negatives as you go through life. You remember only the failures. As a parent, I’ve forgiven my daughter for every mistake, dumb, and hurtful thing she’s done. Yet, I can’t forgive & forget when it comes to myself. Dysthymia comes with a long and selective memory.
But I do give myself credit for not giving up and having hope. I first saw the infomercial for the program about 1 year ago. I believe it was Christmas Eve. I’ve watched it many times since then. I find it inspiring and hopeful. I recently purchased to program and listened to the first 2 CDs. Much of it makes sense. I have to admit that I’ve been too busy & distracted to do the exercises. But I know the success comes from the “doing” and not just the listening. I believe one really has to “attack” depression. It won’t go away on its own. I really do want the “rest of my life to be the best of my life”. So, I am looking forward to working through the program.
If there is anyone who can relate to this, please feel free to weigh in on the subject. As I said, I go through life feeling like Charlie Brown. But remember, he doesn’t give up. He’s still determined to kick that football.
Dysthymia is a chronic condition. It’s usually defined as low mood lasting at least 2 years and characterized by such symptoms as low self esteem, guilty feelings, difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, thoughts of death. That’s my “normal” It’s with me constantly, like Churchill’s “Black Dog”. I also have depressive episodes brought on by external factors. That’s why, as I’ve recently learned, Dystymia is also called “Double Depression” Lucky me: 2 for the price of one.
The easiest way to describe it is feeling like Charlie Brown. *Rats* Nobody likes me. I can’t do anything right. I can’t kick a football, fly a kite or write with a fountain pen. The Red Hair girl doesn’t know I exist. I’m wishy-washy. Many people who have MDD have difficulty getting out of bed, handling responsibility or performing daily tasks. That’s not me. I’m the most reliable person you know. I never miss a day of work (OK 1 day in the last 12 years. Nobody’s perfect). Every bill gets paid on time. I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there. I’m the Rock of Gibralter. Or so it seems from the outside. Inside I feel insecure, inferior to all others, shy, awkward, afraid of embarrassing myself, can’t assert myself, passive. I have no talents, can’t play a musical instrument, can’t fix anything, no area of expertise. What a self image, huh? But I’m a very nice person, pretty well educated, and … uh…ummm…Hmmm. Well, I’m stuck. I really can’t think of much else. (Well, I do have a sense of humor).
Dysthymia doesn’t pass like “regular depression” And a person who has it may not recognize it as a form of depression. The symptoms are subtle. This is your every day state of mind. A person going through a Major Depression is more likely to recognize it because their feelings are so different that their normal self. They feel, well depressed. Dysthymia is sometimes referred to as a “mild” form of depression. See?. What did I tell you, no respect.
I finally recognized my feeling as possibly being depression about 4 ½ years ago. I went to a psychologist who diagnosed me with having Dystymia and anxiety. One of the curses of Dysthemic Disorder is treatment resistance. My therapist assured me early on that CBT works for most people. I interpreted that as “Most people, except me”. I found talk therapy to be just that: talk. Didn’t help a bit. In fact. I felt more depressed because I was now thinking about it all the time. Denial had been my way of dealing with it. Medication didn’t help. I tried 5 different medications, and the side effects I experienced included: inability to sleep, rapid weight gain, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, hunger & rapid heart beat. The only one that had any effect on me was Celexa, and that was temporary. I felt the benefits ebbing away after 2 months. Even when I increased my dosage, it had no effect. I quit medication after trying for a year and a half. I was left feeling the way I had before, but with a 40 pound weight gain. Just what every depressed person needs: another reason to feel bad about yourself.
Dystymia is like a dirty snowball. It accumulates more negatives as you go through life. You remember only the failures. As a parent, I’ve forgiven my daughter for every mistake, dumb, and hurtful thing she’s done. Yet, I can’t forgive & forget when it comes to myself. Dysthymia comes with a long and selective memory.
But I do give myself credit for not giving up and having hope. I first saw the infomercial for the program about 1 year ago. I believe it was Christmas Eve. I’ve watched it many times since then. I find it inspiring and hopeful. I recently purchased to program and listened to the first 2 CDs. Much of it makes sense. I have to admit that I’ve been too busy & distracted to do the exercises. But I know the success comes from the “doing” and not just the listening. I believe one really has to “attack” depression. It won’t go away on its own. I really do want the “rest of my life to be the best of my life”. So, I am looking forward to working through the program.
If there is anyone who can relate to this, please feel free to weigh in on the subject. As I said, I go through life feeling like Charlie Brown. But remember, he doesn’t give up. He’s still determined to kick that football.