so depressed i cant find my "true self"

[LyndaLu]

tim,
please tell us what is going on ?

[tjzaxxer]

hey people... im getting pain from basically everything in every form it can take... my family is a wreak just to sum it all up... my dad which is running for congress in illinois 3rd congressional district doesnt get along with me nd whenever we get into an arguement, it gets 1% away from a fist-fight... the burns i have r basically from cooking nd cuz im somehow allergic to the sun... the cuts i get sometimes at random (in all seriousness) nd from accidents/wipe-outs as goes for the bruises... i dont even come close to knowing y im always aching... my mom, some(but barely ne) of my friends, nd people on here r basically my only support... i almost lashed out on my junior english teacher today cuz of the day i was having nd she was adding to it... i want to cry but my body wont let me even when i really need to in order to let out emotions... like my last post, please email me at preferably the last 2 adresses... tim

[Iwillbebetter]

is there maybe a counselor at school or something you could talk to?? Being you are under 18 you should still be on your parents insurance, that might cover a counselor?

[tjzaxxer]

yea, i have a counsoler... in fact, i just saw him tonight and he wasnt any help... although he is a family counsoler... i dont know wat to do with my life anymore... here is wat i have been thinking about lately(cuz of my new signiture): "if my life is guided by both Light and Darkness, then why do i feel more anger, hatred, depression: Darkness and all that but not enough of the feelings from the Light?" if somebody can answer that for me (which probably none of u can) or can help me answer it, then either email me or just keep posting... im going to need more support than ever before... please help... tim

[lucy knepp]

Hope you are feeling better. Wish we could help more. The people here have good intentions. They offer advice and support with encouraging words but you know that it is up to you to seek help by being completely honest with the counselor and praying. I believe in prayer. Stay strong! This too shall pass. Even if we don't know when.
Keep talking in chat room and write more on the forums and try hard to get your mind going in another direction....something good. Maybe a good memory. Maybe write another book.....a children's book this time. Bout fuzzy creatures or something. No violence. Turn on Sprout....I do......it's for 2 - 7yr olds......but I LOVE it. Especially Caillou. My husband knows it realaxes me and I sleep well all night when I put it on and leave it on all night. Try it!
Thinking about you in Pittsburgh
Lucy

[tjzaxxer]

thanks for the idea lucy, but i think that i will stick to my music at night. the music i listen to at night though probably wouldnt be considered calming, except by maybe a few people out there including me. bands such as "avenged sevenfold", "egypt central", "dragonforce", "linkin park" and bands like that always have a calming affect on me, even if it takes an addrenaline rush to get calm (oddly enough, addrenaline rushes calm me down faster than just regular tecniques that would calm somebody down). im trying to get to a better path and what i came to is a beutiful girl known as Emily that resembles me alot. we have alot in common and i have been trying to make just a regular get together with her, but im always unsuccessful at anything that involves her. i either cant get to her or there isnt a time that day we can try to get together. i wish i could talk to her, face to face once again, but it probably will never happen. keep talking to me people... tim

[lucy knepp]

hello again
I hope you get to talk with Emily. Might be a good thing. Remember not to expect too much and then you will not be disappointed. My son used to list to Axel Rose and Guns and Roses and Alice Cooper. He painted his room black. Wore black and Tommy Hilfigger. Used to wear his pants half down his butt. Painted pics of Marilyn Manson on the wall. Now he realizes what a waste of time it was and how stupid it was. We were all stupid at 16. LOL! Oh my... I could tell you stories. Actually, I was a nice Italian Catholic at 16 ....it was at 24 when I got goofy. Actually I was 24 going on 16....LOL! But if the music helps you whatever kind it is (as long as it's not too loud and there is no violence or bad swear words in it) it's okay. Like they say..."whatever works."
Take care now and remember to take some of my advice like turning your thinking around, Okay?
Thinking about you in Pittsburgh
Lucy

[tjzaxxer]

hey lucy... Emily is going through an EXTREMELY rough and terrible time right now: she isnt going to be able to see one of her greatest friends in her life. her name is Wynter and they have a long history with each other. i really want to help Emily, be with her, whatever i can do to help her through her horrible times, but i dont know how i can though :,( . i wish i knew what to do in this kind of situation, but instead i feel like i cant do anything to help her or anybody anymore. i really need advice on what to do. thank you from a 16 year old in Hometown IL.

[chill1981]

Hi TJ, I read your post, and my heart goes out to you. I also struggle with Depression. I recently went back into depression after quitting college because of anxiety and stress and panicky feelings. I got so overwhelmed that I couldn't even look at my books anymore, they would cause me great anxiety. I understand depression, and it does feel like no one understands. It seems like everyone around me sees me differently than I see myself. Right now I am just trying to live with my decision to drop out and not look at myself like a failure. It is so hard. One thing I've learned about depression is that by thinking anxious thoughts, we drag ourselves into a depression... so it's ourselves that is causing the depression. I think back to my past, and there was a time when I wanted to be depressed and stay there.. my fiance died in a tragic tractor accident.. I was also in the accident but survived. After that happened, I wanted to be sad forever.. if I stopped being sad then that meant I had to move on with my life, and I really didn't want to.. I find myself repeating same patterns.. like right now, I'd rather stay depressed because that means I don't have to move on with life.. I'm afraid to get anxious again.. it's going to be a process where I work on the anxiety skills I've learned when I'm in the actual situation. I've been running for so long. I don't really see anything exciting about life lately.. I just wish I had a good friend you know? I hope that you are feeling better.. I would love to chat with you sometime.. I need so much support to. hang in there. You are worth more than you know.. it's something I have to keep telling myself as hard as it is.

[tjzaxxer]

hey Chill, i think that you and me are very much alike in so many ways. both of us lost a loved one in some sort of way, but my girlfriend was my loved one and the way that i lost her was during a vacation in the summer in Minnesota. she asked me my opinion on tattoos on women, i told her it didnt make them any different on the inside (their personality). she then asked me what i thought of her getting a tattoo, i asked her what kind she was planning on getting. "the name senka rosa with a rose under it on the lower back." i told her my idea which might have been a bit over the edge. "both that name and the name zaxxer rosa with a rose under it on the lower back." that is when she dumped me. i started to have feelings for a girl known as Emily, but she is with somebody right now. the "good" part about this is that she said that if she were to date a guy, i would be "first on her list". well im about to have dinner so i have to go for now. thanks: a 16 year old in Hometown IL.