so depressed i cant find my "true self"

[LyndaLu]

Tim: You are a writer AND a musician. You have many talents !
That is two more talents than I have .
It sounds like you are headed in the right direction with your life,
keep up the great work and keep in touch.
Lynda

[rjhamilton]

Hey man, I'm wondering how you've been doing? Anything been happening lately?

[tjzaxxer]

hey im starting to figure out stuff... im lossing a heart for this girl i REALLY like but im holding on strong just cuz of my feelings for her nd the support from the people i have been talking to... i really want to be with her but my heart just isnt ready for another full relationship, yet it wants one... thats one thing i have figured out throughout the days... im still just about a complete mystery to myself nd i want to find more about me... keep in touch everybody

[LyndaLu]

i cant feel any "REAL" emotion (except for negative emotions)

This is how I have been feeling for a long time now. Like a zombie. Like I am just "existing" and not "living".

I wish there was a magic wand that I could use to bring my life back to me. I had a life, but that was a few

years ago. The last great vacation I took was back in 2004 when my sister and I visited the Oregon Coast.

Through the years there had been many such vacations and I enjoyed them all. Of course that was when I

felt like my "true self" and could actually have emotions. I am lonely for my own emotions and I am scared

that they won't come back. I sure miss that independent feeling.

Now I am recovering from a breakdown and a job layoff, my independence is gone and

so is my money and my pride and dignity. Hoping to get them back soon or

I may wither away and never find my "true self" ever again. Can I get my "true self" back again or will

I be "broken" forever.

Lynda

[tjzaxxer]

listen i feel like that almost all the time but my friend i had mentioned earlier is helping me through this crap nd im helping her the most i can... to get to the point even if u thought u knew ur true self: u can ALWAYS find that part again... tho i havent found that in me myself im searching through the "darkest" and the "brightest" sides of me in hopes of a median or a combination of the two to make my true self... u should try that... just some advice from a 16 year old to a friend in need... keep in touch

[LyndaLu]

tim:
Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.
Stay Strong,
Lynda

[tjzaxxer]

i feel that theres starting to be a combination between my "two halves"... tho i wish i could say the combo is going to be a "true combo" i will never know until who knows when... my memories r haunting my dreams, but im starting to get rid of the haunted memories... so thats a start... if ne body must know wat the memories r of they r of my very first ex-girlfriend nd truth be told: im still not over her if that wasnt given away already... my ex on the other hand is way past over me nd says shes with somebody... i just want to be over her as quick as possible to make the pain go away... keep in touch...tim
ps: lyn it is not a problem helping somebody out

[LyndaLu]

tim:

You are doing such a great job at trying to figure things out !

There is so much pressure on a teenager now-a-days and so much to think about.
When I was your age all I wanted to do was to get out of school and get a job.
I did not really like high school all that much except to learn some sort of "trade"
or "job skill" and then get out of there and into the working world. I never had
the encouragement from my family to extend my education through college or any
sort of trade school. If I did go to college I would have had to pay for it myself.
Since I did not know really what I wanted to do, I took classes at school that taught
me all about office work. As a Senior in high school I went to classes for three hours
in the morning and I worked for 5 hours in the afternoon at a clerk / typist job for
an insurance company. Do you have any idea what you may want to do when you
graduate from high school ? Are you working now at a part time job ? You seem
to have so many talents with the writing and the music. Well, I am just rambling on now.
Best of luck to you and try to let go of the past and move on toward the future.

Lynda

[tjzaxxer]

my "true darkness" basically showed itself today at school which isnt a really pretty sight... i wish my "true light" would finally show itself and possibly merge with the darkness to help me at least find a common ground so i can at least get some good sleep... not the restless sleep that i have every night... my heart i know for sure cant take any more pain and has a deeper setting for my darkness... especially because of today... my ex texted me and basically threatened to get a 23 year old martial arts teacher who is a roommate of my ex's second cousin which is in college... i wish i knew what to do right now but my past is interfering with my current life... keep talking to me... tim

ps: lyn i have no job and i have not a clue what i want to do after highschool... :,(

[tjzaxxer]

my ex has made me go into almost a complete emotional breakdown because of wednesday... she told me, "Meeting you was the worst mistake i've ever made." im so depressed nd angered beyond belief... i told myself, "if i see her or if she talks to me: i will cuss her out nd make her have the worst breakdown she would ever have so she knows that she will be in for one hell of a life if she keeps up this crap with me." if ne body wants to, they can try to talk some sense into me before my plan goes into effect... im going to need all of the help i can get if i were to not carry this out... so please, help me... tim