mark167 wrote:
One thing mentioned that kinda upset me was that she mentioned how after 1 serious illness/depr, it can take up to a year to get back to that original point of mental acuity re: skills, memory, etc.. With a 2nd or 3rd illness, it will take even longer and the end result will likely be not achieving teh same level of mental ability as before, as the brain function will lose some of its 'elasticity' to bounce back after each successive episode.
So at that point I thought to myself 'I am screwed because I have had 5 severe-extreme depr episodes in teh last 4 years, and a couple more over the previous 8 years, during which time I never really improved beyond just mildly depressed. So teh thought that I have lost some portion pf my mental abilities, and it will be more and more difficult to bounce back each time, rather scared and upset me.
I know that this is going to sound scary, but I believe what she said is true. My brain function has never returned to it's
original point of mental acuity ( skills, memory, etc ) since having a major emotional breakdown in April 2007. I had a
breakdown and had to take a 5 month short term leave of absence from my job. During the first two months I was
hospitalized three times ( one week each time ) for anxiety, depression, panic attacks, going to commit suicide. I will
confess right here that I bought a gun and THOUGHT I was going to use it, but I did not. I went immediately to the
hospital where they helped me. Also during this leave of absence I had kidney surgery. What more could happen !
It was not a good time to have major surgery and I still wish to this day that I would have had the sense to cancel
the surgery and reschedule it until I was emotionally more fit to handle the 5 day hospital stay after the kidney surgery.
So, that was 4 weeks in the hospital in two months, 3 for the breakdown and one for the surgery. Well, to get to what
I really wanted to say, is, that when I returned to work I was never the same and I have never been the same since 2007.
When I returned to work I had memory loss, I could not remember how to do my job. As a matter of fact, all of my
previous job duties were reassigned to other employees during my short term leave. When I returned to my desk I
was assigned new job duties, lesser job duties, job duties that a new person might be assigned to. After over 20 years
in that department, I was starting at the beginning. My family has never understood this and my ex-co-worker friends
have never understood this - - - I am just not the same person as I once was and I accept that I will never be. Maybe
that sounds like I am giving up, but I am just being realistic. I don't believe I could work in a fast paced environment
and I don't believe I could multi-task. Every employer wants those two things. They want a person to do the job of
two people and get paid one very low salary. Jobs are going for a measly $10.00 an hour and that is so sad. Even
college graduates are not getting the pay they deserve. So, here I am, trying to still make my family understand that
after the breakdown I had memory loss and loss of skills. I don't think they will ever understand how bad the
breakdown was for me. I was layed off from my job due to workforce reduction almost exactly two years after
the day of my breakdown. And I actually believe they were going to lay me off on the exact date, April 6th, of
my breakdown, but I had called in sick on that day ( a Monday). They waited to lay me off until Wednesday,
April 8th, 2009. Yes, I got layed off due to workforce reduction and that is how it looks on paper, on the
Severance Agreement. But I really did also get layed off from my job due to a progressive lack of skills. I was getting
paid a really good amount of money to do a nothing job after my return. They couldn't afford to keep it that way.
I was not the only person layed off from the job on April 8th, 2009, another gal in another department right next
to mine was layed off too. I took my layoff calmly and walked out without a sound. The other gal broke out in tears.
I am so glad that I did not break out in tears until later on that day when I called my sister. My sister got all the
tears in her call, all the sobbing, I almost couldn't talk. This is why it has been so hard for me to look for a job
because I know that my skills are lacking and I know that I got layed off from my job partly due to lack of skills and
memory loss. Where am I to go from here and what do I want to do with my life ? Not only do I have emotional
deficits, I have physical issues that I am dealing with. I have been hit with a double whammy, poor mental health
and poor physical health - - sometimes it is too much to handle, having so many health issues, they take over
your entire life. I may not be able to do the job I once had, but I know there MUST be something out there that
I can do. But in some way I have given up and I don't know what makes some people give up and other folks
keep fighting the battle. My sister has rheumatoid arthritis and she is a cancer survivor. She deals with her
issues and goes to work every day and works very, very hard at her job. What makes her able to survive through
all of THAT when I don't feel like I can make my life work at all. I have given up in a way, I have a Social Security
Disability Claim that I have been working on for a while now. It got declined. Then went to appeals. It got declined
again. Now the Claim is going through the Hearing process, where there is a hearing before the courts. I have an
advocate / attorney helping me out. The bad news, it could be 12 months before a hearing date is secured and I
will run out of money soon. My sister will be supporting me financially 100 percent soon.
She can't pay all of my bills for a year! She is helping me out, for sure, until September 31, 2012.
I have joint disease, arthritis, bursitis, ulcerative colitis,
Spina Bifida Occulta, major depression and anxiety, osteoporosis, acid reflux, high blood pressure, sleep disorder,
etc, etc. I am 51 years old and falling apart. I want to know what makes a person able to survive and get over
their issues and disorders and disabilities - - - how can one person not give up and another person just can't make it
better at all. I am rambling now and getting quite grim. ( Sigh).
Lynda