How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Life?

[Iwillbebetter]

Thanks all though I don't know that it's confidence that arrived at the name, or just the hope that I will Now I think maybe I go back and forth between confidence and hope... I don't know that probably made more sense in my head
Yes music can have either affect depending on what we listen to, I have recently made that discovery after realizing most of what I listen to brought be down... I'm sure in the back of my mind somewhere that was purposeful. So for the time being, I am cutting the negative music from my life also. Especially the attachment songs, and depending on whats going on at the time not always the love songs either. My boyfriend and I have had a bit of ups and downs so the love songs don't always leave me feeling good, and If I don't feel good listening to it, I change it!! I found the thread I was talking about, I guess it was in a different spot... http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 56&t=28349
I can relate to that fear, I had it pretty strong when first starting also, it still comes now and again, I have just gotten better at "bringing it to the light and diminishing it's power" All the negativity is really lies we have learned to beleive, and that we continue to tell ourselves. When we begin to bring them to the light we can start to see them for what they truely are!! That is when the lose their power/grasp on us.!! (more from that book which I finally finished...) I just got another book that is also recommended in the program, What to say when you talk to yourself by shad helmstetter. I noticed a few posts recently of others that have gotten the book also. I find it helpful sometimes especially with my kids, when I start getting "worked up" I take a moment and read a chapter or section of a book or something to help bring me back where I should be. It's amazing how little things can help so much.
I wish I had more advise for you in regards to the "motivation" thing. I think we are each unique in that way and what moves one may not move another. Only you can find that "spark"
I think maybe we are so sensative because caring/empathetic nature it's just the way we internalize things that causes that reaction
I know what you mean about still feeling alone. I still feel that way a bit also. There is support here and great people. Many that do really understand, but I think at least for me, it's just not the same, when we are not talking face to face. I know that as I am a person everyone else posting is also, it's still I don't know impersonal. It's not like I'm relating with my best friend, or I don't know whoever... It does help me to feel at least less alone Yes I have made it mostly part of my daily routine, although I do miss a day here and there. I try to do things to "keep it in my mind" And if I can help someone else in the process.... even better
Can I ask, do you attend church? I can say, I never really grew up with any "spirital" setting. We NEVER went to church. Not even for traditional holidays... For almost a year I have been attending church. Initially it was more for the kids. I didn't want them to grow up with so much question in regards to "god" "heaven/hell" etc... To my surprise I am coming to find god also. Although that is also a work in progress, I do find comfort there at times... although I still struggle I believe my heart is not as hard as it once was. Although I didn't grow up in a "godly" home I knew of him and christ and have always had somewhat of a believe. Although I never really new what I beleived I think deep down I have always beleived. I use to describe my "faith" as beleiving it all, but not beleiving any of it!!
The rainbow quote is in "user control panel" towards top left, then go to the profile tab, then on the left in blue there is edit profile, edit signature, edit account setting... select edit signature and add whatever you would like there
Yes please keep at least your willingness to try. It may be hard to give it 100% and I can't blame you for that, I won't even ask that of you, but I will ask that you give it a honest try! You do deserve it, beleive it or not!! I hope you do find it within yourself to be able to beleive it one day

[mark167]

Thanks Iwbb. I still hope I will be better. I think I can be. I just replied to your music post so wont add more except to say that when leaving my psych appt Monday, and feeling down, the song on the radio was 'What A Feeling' by Irene Cara. You were probably just a baby when that came out lol. It is the type of song that needs to be turned up loud, and the lyrics are good for your topic, talking about fear, feelings and music in our lives. All that negativity I have and neg self talk comes from all the limiting beliefs I believe to be true, and playing those old records over and over again in my mind. It would be nice to replace those with positive thoughts and beliefs, but that will take time and a lot of practice. I hope the program will help with that. I did get Shad's book a while ago and started it. Now I cant find it Every little thing, and bits of motivation, does help. Even tho teh posting and chatting are somewhat impersonal, I feel it makes it easy to open up and say things we might not to others, esp those close to us. I find it helps me and is cathartic/therapeutic. Coming to the chatroom and forums daily is an important part of my journey to self-betterment. I have not attended church regularly since I was about 16, and never had much of a belief for different reasons, altho I do go to xmas service. That is not much, but even that one visit brings me a sense of peace and spirituality. I also have other sources of spirituality which are beneficial and I find comfort in. Thank u for the edit signature info. I will see after this msg how it looks. I am still willing to try the program and to get better, I just have to be dedicated to it, give it an honest try, and believe I can do it, and that I am still worth it.

[Iwillbebetter]

I'm glad you still have "hope" As long as you have "something" I think it will help carry you I am a little busy this weekend, but I plan to listen to check them all out. Some I am familiar with...

All that negativity I have and neg self talk comes from all the limiting beliefs I believe to be true

that is so true. Now it's bringing all those beliefs "to the light" so we can start to see them for what they really are LIES!!! It will take time and practice, but we can be "reprogrammed" we can change our thoughts and beleifs!!
I'm sorry you can't find your book I haven't read much yet, but so far I like it. I just finished this book - learning to let go by Guy Finley. It was a great book, and went very well with the program also. It's helped me to learn to seperate myself more from my feelings, as we ARE NOT our feelings!! I think I often let my feelings control/lead me. I find reading along with the program has been very helpful! Sometimes when I am starting to feel down or any negative feeling... I will just take 5-15 minutes and read a section or chapter.
I agree it is a little impersonal coming here, but yes it does make it easier to "open" up. I don't think I would have "said" even half as much as I have on here if we were all sitting face to face!! I agree I have found coming here daily to be a VERY big part of my journey as well!! It is very theraputic!!! I deffinatley don't think I would be as far as I am if I wasn't coming here.
I might suggest maybe finding a church or even a Sunday service program on T.V. Never would I had previously thought I would suggest something like that, as I NEVER really had much of a beleif. In the back of my head it was there somewhere but that was about it. Only recently have I started to believe so to say, at it has been so I don't even know how to describe!! But WoW.

but even that one visit brings me a sense of peace and spirituality.

Maybe having that feeling more often would help you along in your journey as well. I have found it to help mine!! Until last year I NEVER went to church!! Now I can't imagine my life without it!! And I only started for my kids, with in the past couple months I have really had an awakening or something. Now I really feel that I know he lives, listens and loves me!! (I do go back and forth a little with that, but for the most part I know )
I love what you chose for your signature!! Very fitting

[mark167]

Yes I guess I still have hope. I think I need to have belief too to make it work out. In the depths of the deep dark hole I have fallen into too many times, I often felt hopeless and helpless. I understand and realize those limiting beliefs are lies and not who I really am, but that mindset has been engrained in there, and its hard to change. I'm getting better at letting go of some things and I see how important that is, esp when I'm stuck in the past. The neg and sad feelings are so frequent and thats all I ever seem to feel. Someone once told me I need to feel my feelings. I guess thats to acknowledge, and not suppress, them and allow them to pass thru and not alter my thoughts. The neg feelings become the neg thoughts become the neg beliefs become the neg action become the neg me. This vicious and discouraging cycle needs to be stopped.
I believe religion & going to church could help to some extent but I cant see incorporating it into my life. I have some spirituality and believe in some form of a higher power, but with all the crocks out there and not practicing what they preach and their impressionistic style, esp on tv, I cant find belief in it. I go to a 12 step program and have found some spirtuality there, and have realized the more often I go to meetings and work my program, the better I feel. I guess I should do the same with this program, as those temporary moments/feelings of peace or 'happiness', while nice, are fleeting. I know I should (should-ing again!) do this to get better and esp for my kids, as I dont want them to keeping this unhappy dad. I also need to do it for myelf, to find the very important self-love, to believe in myself and have the courage to change the things I can - ME (and my thoughts & feelings???). Thank you for your guidance, encouragement and belief in me.

[Iwillbebetter]

I think you are right, it's hard to accomplish something if you don't beleive you can. Hope alone can't get you there!! I think I need to work on that more, beleiving in myself!! That's something I've never really done.That reminds me of something I recently heard or read, when you are a child or even in adult life, how often are you told you CAN do something?? Often we are reminded of what we can NOT do, but when are we told we can? We are told over and over again. 100's of times that we can't. But we are told if lucky a handful of times that we can!! After hearing that I wonder how anyone does beleive in themselves!!

but that mindset has been engrained in there, and its hard to change.

Beleive you me, I can totally understand/relate to this!! I don't recall a time I have felt good about myself or life. I don't recall a time I really felt loved, wanted, important etc. So to start telling myself these things now, is certianly not easy!! But if I don't start telling myself who will?? I think especially having children, it's time to break the chains!! If it's not genetic, we at least pass it on in action!! Kids learn so much from us by what they observe, not what we say to try to teach them!! I agree

This vicious and discouraging cycle needs to be stopped.

If we don't stop it who will?? We will just pass it on and on and on down the line!!

but with all the crocks out there and not practicing what they preach and their impressionistic style, esp on tv, I cant find belief in it.

I can understand where you are coming from. I once felt that way. If the meetings are what works for you, then go for it. If you feel good when you're there keep at it!! I don't know if you would be interested, but maybe you could just find a local church study group or something. Anyway... I'm not trying to push you into it or anything, I think that is certianly a personal thing and each has their own ways, and it does seem you do have something and that's what matters

I also need to do it for myelf

- this is the most important reason of all. Even when doing it for ourselves, our children, and really anyone we know in turn benefit as well. They are just what we can use to motivate ourselves!

Thank you for your guidance, encouragement and belief in me.

There is no need to thank me It has been my pleasure!! Beleive it or not, you have been quite helpful to me as well!! You have helped me to see some of the things I have stuffed down and tried to hide for so long!! I think the only real way to let go of things like that is to be able to really see them for what they are. You don't see it when you hide from it, and you can't learn from it if you take it from hiding and just get rid of it...

[mark167]

I've realized that I havent really had any belief in myself, to change or get better, in a very long time. I have even struggled with having hope, as there were many times during my bad depressions that I felt hopeless and helpless. Having dug myself a number of times into that very deep, dark hole, it is very hard to have any belief, esp in myself. Added to that an upbringing of little positive reinforcement, where I often heard of either the things I cant do, and esp the things that I can or should do better, thereby giving me the belief that I was never good enough. I have also felt unloved, unwanted and unimportant for a long time, and cant recall when I last felt good or happy for any 'normal' amount of time. If I havent heard or felt this for so long, it is very difficult to believe or say it to myself.
If only for my kids sake, I do need to break that cycle. They dont know or understand what I am going thru, but they must be aware of their daddy being unhappy or disengaged. They are a very good reason and motivator to change, but I do need to do this for myself first and foremost. I need to stop this cycle/pattern as I do not want them to 'learn' how to live a depressed and unfulfilled life. The meetings do make me feel better at the time and do work, but only really to the extent I work the program, as with this program. I have found a number of sources of help, support and inspiration, which do help, but if they dont sink in and I dont use and act on them, they dont make much of a difference. I enjoy helping others in any way I can, and while that does help me too, I need to be able to help myself as much or more than others. Sometimes I read/hear the things I really need to, as I have been denying or hiding from many things about myself, and they need to be brought to the light if I am going to get out of this darkness. Thank you for sharing and shedding some light on this.

[Iwillbebetter]

I know what you mean about not having any beleif in yourself, but I don't think you can start to gain it until you start to see for yourself that you can do it (or at least that's how it was with me...) I've never really believed in myself. Even when others thought I could, I never did!!

They dont know or understand what I am going thru, but they must be aware of their daddy being unhappy or disengaged.

You are right, they don't know/understand what you are going threw, but yes they do see their unhappy father. Often with children they will take and internalize this, which is how the "cycle" begins!! The only way to break that, is to make the changes you need. They are learning from you ALWAYS!! Kids have a "sense" they just know when we "aren't right" and they pick up on it. Often then leading themselves to beleive they are at "fault" for your "unhappiness" - this is something I had to realize/accept.
No they are not the reason to change, you are, but they are certianly one of the strongest motivations you (I) have!! We are their number one teacher, and most of what they learn, is not the things we are trying to teach, it's the things they "pick up" from us on their own!!
It sounds like you have the want to change, you have things that can/do help you (meetings, this program, this site....) but something is holding you back, and from what I can tell, or at least from my own experience (Probably more my own exeperience) it is FEAR. I would guess all of them also, from the fear of not being able to change, especially knowing you have made the attempt before, the fear of what others will think. Maybe some won't so much like you anymore (Not sure if that one fits you, but it did/does me) and the one that got me the most, was the FEAR of what if I do actually change. I have never really known happiness (That I can remember) I have not known what it is like to not have all of the "thoughts" in my head. I don't know what it's like to not feel like I am at least slightly crazy... what will I do with myself if I become "normal" what will life be like? Although it sounds happy, and we want it, fear of the unknown can be a VERY powerful thing and really this is probably one of the biggest "unknowns" we have ever faced!!!

It doesn't have to be scary, and you don't have to do it alone!! And although you likely don't beleive it you can do it, but you won't know unless you do "the work"

* I hope you don't take any of it the wrong way... funny writting this post, I almost feel as though I am talking to myself. *

Hope you had a good Easter... or at least okay

[LyndaLu]

Although I am not part of this conversation, I just wanted to thank you for sharing all of
your experiences and your advice. I read every single post on here !
Hope your Easter was a good one.
Lynda

[mark167]

Hi Lynda, Thank u for replying to this post and i hope u will continue to be part of the conversation. You have had a lot of good things to say on many different posts/forums, and your experience and wisdom are invaluable, and ur support would be greatly appreciated. My easter was okay, with some good (& bad) moments with my kids, but I had a rough weekend with everything I have been going thru. I have been able to handle it a little better the past few days.

Iwbb - The belief in self is a hard and tricky one. With the low self-esteem/confidence, the failures, the lack of concerted efforts, the giving up too soon/often, the self-abuse with constantly beating myself up, it is hard to build belief and trust in myself that I can or will get better. I really dont want my kids to learn this way of life but they r already learning from it and getting teh raw end of the deal thru my disengagement. I have noticed over teh last couple years of teh separation that my eldest doesnt smile much, which she always used to before, so I think she is either internalizing things or seeing my unhappiness and lack of smiles and maybe that makes her sad too. I dont want them to learn or live this way of life and if they r to learn any different, I will have to lead by better example. I can say all sorts of positive or inspiring things to them, but if I dont practice what I preach, it will not sink in for them.
Something big is holding me back and I'm not exactly sure what or why, but fear is definitely a factor. The fear of not being able to change (as I have proven that often before), and fear of failure (which I am doing anyway by not trying), and fear of not being able to ever stop the neg thoughts, self-talk, limiting beliefs, and the fear of the unknown life that lies ahead (could it ever be happy or normal), are all issues with me. I cant recall a life without some level of depression or with some extended periods of happiness, normalcy, or serenity. The fears of the unknown are strong, but I also despise the truth of what is currently known (the way I am living/thinking/feeling). So I need to decide what will take precedence if i am to ever change and live a normal life, and yes I do need to do the work, and keep trying and practicing, until I believe I can do it and get it! Thank you for ur support and for making me not feel alone, and I dont take any of it the wrong way. If u feel u r talking to urself, and if helps u, and me too, that by all means keep talking!!

[Iwillbebetter]

Lynda, yes you are always welcome to join in

Mark, sorry it's been a little while, I am in the process of moving, had inlaw stop in for a short visit.... been a little busier than normal I know what you mean with the struggle of gaining that self-beleif. The first thing you need to do is work on letting go. Forgiving yourself!

the failures, the lack of concerted efforts, the giving up too soon/often, the self-abuse with constantly beating myself up,

don't keep beating yourself up for these things. It's OKAY!! We all make mistakes, we have to learn from them, not punish ourselves for them!! You can't learn to love yourself if you can't forgive yourself!!!! (I am still working on this also!!)
Yes it sounds like they are already learning it (as were my kids) but just as we are "unteaching ourselves" we can learn to unteach them also!!! I have already seen this with my kids. It CAN be done!!
FEAR can be such a powerful thing, I know that the main factor in what held me back for so many years. Really until this program, I knew I needed to work on myself, I knew "my head was not right". But I was so affraid of not being able to, being able to etc... that I never even bothered to try!! I don't even have the failure of not being able to before, because I wasn't even able to take that first step!!

Thank you for ur support and for making me not feel alone, and I dont take any of it the wrong way. If u feel u r talking to urself, and if helps u, and me too, that by all means keep talking!!

It's a 2 way street, you don't need to thank me It is my pleasure!!